"Letterbomb"

-
Nobody likes you...
Everyone left you...
They're all out without you...
Having fun...
-

She wasn't here. Can't she see I can't leave? Why did she... why did... But she still left.

He was five. He had tried to turn the channel with the remote, though his small fingers were not sure where the buttons were. It took him ten minutes and his show had already started, but he found the channel. Just as he started to figure out what was going on, she came in and turned the channel to something else by mashing her fingers on the remote. He had tried to put it back, but she screamed pointing at whatever was on the screen. Their father came in and berated him for being mean to her. Dib was sent to his room.

Seven. He took one of the video cameras from the house to go to the old house on Venot street, where he was certain there was a ghost there. He climbed up on the boxes outside of the broken window in the back and waited there all night for some movement. Just before dawn he was rewarded. He managed to catch the ghosts movements in that room. An hour of footage! He had run when the ghost seemed to notice him. He had heard stories that the ghosts did not like pictures of themselves and he did not want to risk anything to happen to the film. He ran down the street to come across the kids from school at the bus stop, he had forgotten that it had been Sunday. He tried to show them that he actually had proof when the closest to him grabbed the camera and pulled out the film to break it. He missed school that day.

Nine. He stayed after school because of coming in late, when he had caught a signal near Mars. He had tried to convince his father that it was something. His father had to go to work though, and told him to show his pictures when he came home. But he was going on a business trip and was going to be gone for at least a week. He remembered when some of his peers would have to stay after school and their friends would stay behind with them. No one stayed behind that day, they seemed to be trying to get out faster. He stayed there for his due time, staring out the window, waiting for the aliens to beam him into space and take him away.

Twelve. The alien came. But not to beam him away. It did not matter, he knew this was his break. No one could deny a live specimen. The alien was stupid enough to just walk into his class and think to get away with a pity disguise of contacts and a wig. He saw right through it instantly. He pointed out the obvious, the facts that no one could ever miss. His classmates could. Slowly, he started to show them, and slowly they started to understand. Then his record caught up to him, reminded by the alien, and they laughed it off. He was deemed crazy. Again. He chased the alien out of spite.

When did I forget what I was trying to accomplish?

-
Where have all the bastards gone?
The underbelly stacks up ten high
The dummy failed the crash test
Collecting unemployment checks
Like a flunky along for the ride
-

He stood in front of the window trying to remember his name again. The window curtain was closed, to block out the sunlight, but every once in a while he would move the fabric by a hair to see what was outside. He did not need to know his birth name, that was not easy to forget. He did not have to think of what they called him here, because whenever he left his room and entered the rest of the Hotel that was all he heard. Dib and St. Jimmy just did not seem to fit anymore. Neither of them were him anymore. He did not belong here, nor there anymore. The biggest point in his life had already happened, and he had chosen the wrong path.

-
Where have all the riots gone
As the city's motto gets pulverized?
What's in love is now in debt
On your birth certificate
So strike the fucking match to light this fuse!
-

The Hotel was working smoothly. He had told them that he was not going to leave them, but he had also told them that they would have to get up on their own two feet. Many had jobs now, not only in the Hotel, but elsewhere, and some people even made it to the city. Even though they were fine on their own, they still needed him. He was a security blanket to them. They thought it was because they owed him so much, but really it was because of their own fears. Despite that, Dib was finding out that there was no place for St. Jimmy here. His area of expertise was only needed so long as there were people that no one cared about to die. There was not many of those people left, if any.

"Home is where your heart is..." Dib muttered. "What a shame..." He turned on his heel and left the curtain where it was, leaving a single line of light on the wall. He grabbed his coat, leaving his guns under the bed and headed out.

-
The town bishop is an extortionist
And he don't even know that you exist
Standing still when it's do or die
You better run for your fucking life
-

"What are you doing in here?" Sara asked, turning to face him. Dib figured at first he was fortunate to find her whenever he wanted, now he wondered whether he had subconsciously memorized her schedule. "Your coat... another job? During the day? That's odd."

"Naw," Dib stood there in the doorway. "It's really nothing at all..."

Sara actually looked concerned, which was a big step up for caring for her. "Close the door," she told him, turning back to finish what she was doing. He did so.

"I had a dream last night," he told her.

"Really," she did not turn around, she just sounded amused. "Was it a good dream or a nightmare?"

"I don't know," Dib shrugged, though she obviously could not see it. "I dreamed I set this place on fire."

Sara paused. "And that's not a nightmare?"

"Well, from my point in the dream, it wasn't," Dib admitted.

She stood up straight and was about to turn around when she halted.

Dib opened the door. "I'm sorry," he shook his head. "I keep bothering you. I'll be off."

"Dib-" Sara started as Dib closed the door behind him. He was about to open it again and say something, but just headed down the stairs. Dib was the person she hated, right? Dib was the person that everyone hated.

-
It's not over 'till you're underground
It's not over before it's too late
This city's burnin'
It's not my burden
It's not over before it's too late
-

"How are you doing, Zeph?" Dib asked. Zeph nearly jumped, but Dib could not blame him. Anyone would have done that, considering no one had ever seen him outside during daylight before.

"Jimmy!" he turned, his shock turning to a smile. "What brings you out?"

"I don't know," Dib looked over the street. The buildings over there were a complete mess, the Hotel almost a fatal contrast from it's surroundings. "I guess I felt like something different today."

"Today is always the day to try something new," Zeph agreed, turning his gaze across the road as well.

"Well, you can't really decide to do it yesterday," Dib's thoughts turned back to the fire in his dream. He pulled out a cigarette and went on a quest through his pockets for his lighter. Zeph pulled his own out and lit it for him. "Thanks."

"No prob," Zeph replied. Dib smiled at him before facing up towards the sun, a stranger to him now. They stood in silence for a while, one of the reasons that Dib liked Zeph. He was not one of the complete slaves here. Dib swore that most would jump off of a bridge if he told them that they would make it, no matter what logic told them. The flame from the lighter stood out perfectly in Dib's mind. He knew what was going to happen, he could still remember. He wondered what would happen if he changed his course of events before they happened.

"I'm leaving," he told Zeph.

Zeph blinked, it not sinking in immediately. "You're... leaving?"

Dib nodded. "I think that the Hotel can stand up without me around. It would be best if the people here started to spread out a bit. This place was meant for people to begin again, not end up at."

"But-" Zeph stopped when someone hugged him from behind.

"Hey Zeph! Oh! Jimmy!" Damon was also surprised to see Dib there. He did not go over and hug Dib as he hugged Damon, probably not sure whether or not he would be allowed. The two of them talked, normally accompanied by Gretchen, but Damon never hugged him. Dib didn't mind.

"Hey Damon," Dib smiled, feeling the sun burn on the back of his neck. He had grown pale from his nightly outings, but never realized it. Dib remembered all of the times that he had run after his paranormal creatures in the broad sunlight.

I guess I have to get out during the day more.

"Jimmy! Sis has been looking for you!"

"Has she?" Dib smirked.

"Have I?" came Gretchen's voice from behind Zeph.

Zeph laughed, picking up Damon. "You're in trouble, Jimmy!"

"Zeph, I wanted to show you what I found over the fence!" Damon protested. He turned towards Dib. "You can come too Jimmy!"

Dib shook his head and leaned back against the railing. "Maybe later Damon. You two go on." The two nodded and Damon made his noisy goodbye as Zeph just waved as they left.

-
There's nothing left to analyze
-

"I suppose you're tired of people asking why you're out here," Gretchen leaned back on the railing as well. She ignored his cigarette, a first for her.

"Actually, I haven't talked to that many people," Dib assured her. "Though I suppose you'll want an answer."

"If you don't oppose to giving one," she replied turning her face towards him.

Dib laughed harshly, for in his mind his answer was far from funny. "I suppose I could tell you just what I told Zeph, I'm leaving the Hotel."

"Why?" Gretchen exclaimed.

Dib sighed. "I could lie and tell you that it is completely because I think that these people need to stand up on their own two feet again, and that they can do that now. That would be an unselfish reason for doing it and true. Or else I could tell you the truth, I don't care anymore, Gretchen."

"You don't care..." Gretchen's eyes narrowed, trying to understand what he was telling her. Dib knew that she would try to deny it, she was the one who used to candy-coat everything he did with reasons, even when there were none. Especially when there was none.

"It's not abandoning," Dib tried to explain. "They need this. But I... just don't think I can stay here anymore." He stopped then, preparing himself for the barrage of protests to come.

But they did not come.

Gretchen nodded, though her face showed her sadness. "You saved us. You saved us all from the horrible fates that were going to consume us. But while you are doing that, you are digging all of our graves just to bury yourself in each one. If you stay here much longer, you'll be gone. All of you, not just parts of you. And no one will be able to help you then." She shook her head. "But... are you sure? There is nothing that could be done for you to stay?"

"Believe me Gretchen," Dib lifted up her face. "If I stay, this place will go down in flames."

Literally.

Throwing the cigarette on the ground and crushing it under his heel, he left her there and headed back into the Hotel.

-
Where will all the martyrs go when the virus cures itself?
And where will we all go when it's too late?
-

He passed the family in the hall that were signing themselves up for jobs to stay there. Dib realized, this way, they would never meet him. Other people who came here would never see him. There were people who came here weeks ago and he had not met some of them. He was not necessary, he hadn't been necessary for some time.

He started up the stairs, which had no more holes in them. They had all been fixed, though there was one step which no on used, still very weak. Dib skipped it, like everyone else. Where was he going to go? That would have been smart to have thought of before saying he was leaving. His room was near the top and each step seemed to condemn him. For what? Making the right decision for once?

He opened the door to find Sara there, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Alright," she scowled. "Are you going to tell me what's going on or not?"

-
And don't look back
-

"I'm going," is what he told her, as he reached under his bed for whatever he could grab.

"Going," Sara responded flatly. Dib's fingers felt the smooth handle of his 22. caliber handgun. He wondered whether or not he should bring it. He also wondered why he was not sure about bringing it. In fact, he wasn't sure about bringing any of his guns. Gaz had been right. He should have left with her.

"What?" Dib asked, missing what Sara had just said.

"You can't take this city on your own without causing trouble! You're such a self-possessed jerk Dib," Sara repeated.

"Ah," Dib stood up, the gun in hand. "What makes you say that?"

"You're going, but you don't wonder whether the people here still need you," she said sharply.

"They don't," Dib told her simply.

"Maybe not to do anything, but your presence. The people here feel more secure with you around. The people-"

"Don't know anything," Dib snapped. "The people need to learn how to stand on their own feet. They already know the harsh world, know they're learning how to live in it."

"How can you say that?" Sara asked, appalled. "They know a lot, many more than what their age shows! They-"

"Sara!" he shouted at her, but that did not stop her.

"They at least know to stick together! If you opened up more to people, you dolt, it would be easier!"

Dib suddenly realized why he always had gone to her to talk. She never bowed down in defeat to what he told her. She never let him have his way if she completely disagreed with it. But if it was his choice and not hers, she let him go.

"Are you going to answer me or not?" she snapped at him. "'Oh, Sara! You are absolutely right!'"

He walked up to her. She backed up into the wall. Dib remembered that he was holding the gun, but ignored the fact as Sara did not seem to be doing.

"Dib-"

He cut her off with a rouge kiss on the lips. Her eyes widened, but she didn't try to push him away. He pulled away just as sudden as he had forced himself on her.

"When did you start calling me Dib again?" he asked, with a smirk.

"You don't get it!" she shouted at him.

"Sara, I kill people."

"For a reason, as stupid as it might be in your mind. It never stopped you before."

Dib shook his head, feeling suddenly empty. "No. I destroyed everything. I destroyed my home, I destroyed yours. I destroyed skool. I destroyed the innocent people who were going about their everyday business. People that I hadn't even met. People that might have accepted me and my own likes and dislikes. The likes and dislikes that no one else would. I slaughtered them all."

Sara just stood there, staring up at him. Her eyes widened even more, but she did not say anything. He put the handgun her her hands, wrapping her fingers around the handle.

"I'm afraid I'll do that again," Dib backed away, no longer pining her against the wall. "For no reason. These people deserve more. For their sake's Sara, don't tell them this." He opened the door, paused for a moment to see if she would do anything, and left.

-
You're not the Jesus of Suburbia
The St. Jimmy is a figment of
Your father's rage and your mother's love
Made me the idiot America
-

I guess I could always go back into paranormal, just for myself. I was always fortunate at that. I could always find it, just couldn't gather the proof well enough. There is not anything else that I can go back to. The person who tried to save everyone at home only succeeded in watching people suffer. The savior here kills as many people as he saves, if I'm even saving them at all. Nothing I've ever done has ever amounted to anything. I guess I should have gone into Real Science as Dad...funny, I still don't know whether he's still alive or not. I never made her answer that.

I'm such an idiot.

-
It's not over 'till you're underground
It's not over before it's too late
This city's burnin'
It's not my burden
It's not over before it's too late
-

He could just imagine his dream. The Hotel burning down from his own hand. He knew now it would not occur. Whatever happened with the Hotel now was not his burden. He could stick around in town to watch on them, just not with them knowing it. He could make them safe and able to do things themselves at the same time. There was not that many people he could talk to now.

He could just imagine his next dream. He would have set himself on fire. He would die in pain, all alone, in some run down place under the ground.

-
She said I can't take this place
I'm leaving it behind
-

Dib paused. He could turn back for one last glimpse of the Hotel, but he decided that it would be best if he did not.

"Dib!" Gretchen did not seem to care who heard her, but Dib did not care who knew what his name was anymore.

"Gretchen?" he asked, not moving. He could hear her hard breathing from running down the street to catch up with him.

"You're leaving now?" she sounded lost, as he had heard so many people sound before they found a place to stay.

"Yeah," he answered. "No sense in sticking around, is there?"

"Can I come with you?" came her instant question. Dib turned around to look at her. She liked him still, he knew that. But he had not been aware of how much she had been holding on to the hope he would accept. She wouldn't think the same if she knew the truth.

"Don't worry, I'll be around," he smiled. "Just not so close." He turned around again, not before catching one last glance at the place he thought that he could have called home.

-
Well she said I can't take this town
I'm leaving you tonight