Help
AN: I tried to stay in character for this part, but found it more difficult than usual, given it is a scenario I have a hard time imagining Veronica actually being in. I allowed her to get more vulnerable than she ever would on the show. I hope it seems real…
Let me know and review. I've started the next chapter, but will hesitate to put it up if no one is reading!
Veronica woke up in a panic, unable to breathe and unreasonably hot, considering she had no blanket on. The tightness in her chest only grew when the fog in her mind cleared and she realized she was being held tightly to another body. She knew it wasn't rational, she loves Logan, and Logan is safe. Still, her stomach began to turn and the nausea left a bad taste in her mouth. As she quickly, and stealthily uncurled from Logan's grasp, she gracelessly ambled around for something to write on, noting with exhaustion, that it was only 6 am…less than two hours since she had fallen asleep. She couldn't remember the last night she had slept through. As she sat down to write a note to Logan, she began to remember the night before and as she thought of Logan's hands holding her, calming her down, her gag reflex almost sent her to the bathroom once more. Suddenly Logan's scent, so strongly male, began to make her head hurt and the only thing she could think of was to run out of the apartment into fresh air, away from Logan.
She knew he was going to be upset. Tears began to fall once again as she thought about how fucked up she was. . . she really loved Logan, what was going on? Why did thinking of him touching her literally make her sick to her stomach? Touches she once desired and lusted for! She quickly scribbled down what she hoped would at least help him to understand, and left the apartment as quietly as possible.
Veronica figured she'd have a couple hours to pull herself together before he called her. Getting in her car, she drove to a place she knew would be calm. To a person she knew, had she been alive, would have at least tried to understand what she was feeling.
Logan awoke around 8 am, cold and uncomfortable, trying to figure out what he was doing on the sofa, and not in his bed, where he clearly remembered falling asleep the night before. As he tried to slowly stretch out his neck and back, he spotted the note Veronica left and the night before came flooding back. Faster than he thought he was able, he sprinted up and grabbed the note, wondering why she would have left so quickly without waking him up.
Running a hand through his hair, he shakily picked up the note, figuring that she once again, decided she didn't need anyone.
Logan,
I'm sorry I ran out this morning. I love you, I really do.
But I need help.
Call me when you're up, We need to talk
V
Logan knew he should be thrilled that she was admitting she needed help. It was what he was trying to get her to say for months. However knowing who Veronica Mars is and how she "works", he couldn't get his teeth to stop chattering or his nerves to stop jumping the whole time he got himself dressed and ready. He grabbed his keys and walked quickly out the door. He wasn't going to have this conversation with her over the phone. He knew where Veronica went to calm down or to relax, he had run into her there many times without even meaning to. Lily was their common thread, the glue that would forever connect them, regardless of time or circumstance. She'd know what to do in this situation, and Logan hoped that she'd somehow help him through this conversation.
The whole way to the cemetery, Logan tried to figure out what Veronica was going to say. He had no idea what had her so rattled the night before, he knew whatever it was had nothing to do with their relationship, or lack thereof. However "in love' the two of them were, breaking up with her could not have caused such a terrifying, albeit delayed, reaction. Walking the worn path to Lily's grave by heart, hardly even looking up, the past few months began to sift through Logan's head. By the time he reached the headstone, he had an idea of what all the commotion was about…and heart began to break.
"I thought I told you to call," Veronica greeted him, staring wide-eyed from her perch against the marble.
"I got your note, decided I'd rather see you and make you were ok," he answered, eyeing her critically, noting the dark eyes and pale features. She had curled herself up tightly, holding her knees against her chest with her head resting carelessly against Lily's name. "From the looks of it, I'm guessing you're not".
"I'm sorry, Logan. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I'm not acting like myself…it's just" she took a deep breath.
"You can trust me, Veronica. I'm not going to give you a speech or lecture about how that's what's driving us apart right now. I just hope you hear me when I say this to you," he crouched down in front of her, noting how she seemed to try to scrunch further into herself as he drew closer, "please, let me in. I love you, Ronnie, I always will, but please, tell me what's going on".
Veronica decided it was now or never. She trusted Logan, her body didn't seem to be so fond of him at the moment, but her fear of losing him seemed to overpower her current fear of being touched.
"Logan, first, you need to know that I love you. I hope we can work out everything, because I need you and I need us. But I think I'm going to need some time" she took another breath, and looked him straight in the eyes, "I'm going to need some time apart," seeing the water gather at her focal point she continued, "I mean, I know we're broken up, and I'm only assuming you want to get back together, which maybe you don't, and it's not that I don't want to, but I can't help the way I'm feeling right now"
Logan sat down, patiently. It was killing him, but he wasn't going to interrupt her. He reached for her hand, and pretended like it didn't bother him when she pulled it away.
"I can't explain this Logan, but when I'm around you, I feel ill. I'm panicked all the time, I see Mercer and Moe….I can feel them on top of me when I least expect it" tears filled her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. "I know it doesn't make sense. I know I make no sense! They never touched me…I know you'd NEVER hurt me. But thinking about having someone's hands on me…" she shivered. "I've done a lot of thinking…and it all comes back to Cassidy. I don't remember even a flash of that night. For so long, I was haunted by the idea of someone raping me, but in a strange way it wasn't real. It was a case to solve, a mystery to unveil. When I started investigating the Hearst rapes, I began as a detached investigator, but the more into it I got, the more personal it became. Then, when I was hiding in Mercer's closet and hair was falling all around me, and all I knew was that I was drugged AGAIN, and I was going to be raped AGAIN and…"
Logan was staring intently at Veronica. Her eyes had glassed over and she was looking straight ahead, at nothing in particular. He knew she hardly even recognized his presence at this point. Everything was clicking into place, and the one thing that kept running through his mind, was that this was something he couldn't help her with. He begged and pleaded her to come to him for help, for months, and he felt like a failure. He knew she was coming to him for help with a problem he couldn't solve.
"…And then he was touching me, and pulling me out of the closet and I was sure it was over. And all this time, even when he thought I had passed out, I was still partly aware of what was going on, I guess I've built a tolerance for GHB, but I was paralyzed and, God, Logan! I just…" she was struggling to catch her breath and the tears she tried to hold back had started to run fast down her face. "I just, I'm stuck…I still feel like I'm paralyzed and like Mercer is going to get me because now I know what it was like for Cassidy to be on top of me, and I can feel him and I can…I don't know how to stop this! I don't know what to do!"
And with that Veronica broke down completely, shuttering and sobbing and trying desperately to regain control. "I need help, Logan. I need help, and I don't know where to go. This is what you wanted right?" She looked up into his face, not all together surprised to see tears there, "so help me, because I don't know what to do."