Disclaimer: I don't own it.
Chapter 8: Take a breath and Close your Eyes
I stepped off of the train, into the cool night air. The stars winked at me mockingly from the heavens and I scowled at them, my gaze then drifting to the magnificent castle that was Hogwarts, almost glowing in the moonlight. Its iridescent towers like peaks in the distance, the glass in the windows shining like diamonds. As hard as I tried, I couldn't see it in a cynical light. As much as I told myself it wasn't true, a small part of me felt relieved to see the great castle still standing, all in one piece. A small part of me felt like I was back home.
"C'mon Pansy, don't be afraid…for Merlin's sake, you've done this a hundred times before. Just step down onto the platform…there you go…" Blaise's voice made me turn away from the school, and my eyes fell on the pair of them. He was helping Pansy step off of the train, awkwardly pulling the trunks after them. Pansy stumbled, and Blaise rushed to catch her, as she didn't even put her arms out to break her fall. As if even that small movement was too much effort.
"For God's sake Pansy!" Blaise snarled, finally growing frusterated, as he tried to hold up her limp body and balance the trunks at the same time. "Draco, help me out here." He said, and for a moment I didn't say anything. I was watching Pansy carefully. She was a mess. The once confident, pretty girl was now like a broken doll. Her hair, dyed dark now, hung like a soft waterfall around her pale face. Her brown eyes were downcast and empty. Cold and without emotion. There was no will to live, no drive. Just…and abyss, where her heart used to be…she hadn't spoken a word since that faithful day. The day when mother was…I shook my head viciously, heat rising into my cheeks as rage over took me for a moment.
"Let her fall." I said, and Blaise looked at me, surprised.
"Malfoy…" He said and I damn near hit him.
"No. If she doesn't want to help herself, let her fall." I growled softly, not taking my eyes off of her, and she rose her head to meet my gaze. She didn't blink, or frown, or cry. She was just there, our gaze connected, empty brown eyes holding my cold grey ones. And she wouldn't let go, but neither would Blaise. He let the trunks fall to the ground with a clatter. The lids popped open, spilling clothes and books all across the platform, and I was suddenly grateful that we were the last ones off the train. Blaise gently lowered Pansy to the ground, and she pulled her knees up to her chin, her gaze still fixed on my face, and I frowned.
"Don't look at me like that." I said softly, as Blasie slowly started putting things back into the trunk. I crouched down, so only she could hear me, "I'm having a hard enough time standing on my own. I'm not going to carry you every step of the way. If you don't want to live, then die. If you don't want to die, then live. Pick one. There is no happy in between." I hissed, and still her expression didn't change. I shook my head at her, and stood up, my cloak sweeping quietly around my feet. I turned on my heal and made my way up to the castle, leaving the two of them behind.
By the time I made it up to the castle, the rest of the school had settled down in the main hall. I caught a glimpse of Mc Gonagal sitting in the big chair at the centre of the teachers table, and a sea of black robes, but that was all I saw as I quickly made up my mind to forgo the welcome feast, and make my way to the first place I could find that would sell me some good alcohol. I turned and went back the way I had came and made my way down through the dark to the Hog's Head. It was pretty much empty when I walked in, so I took a seat at the bar in the far corner, and the bar tender, who's name just so happened to be Bert, made his way over to me. He was a gnarly old man with white fly away hair, and knobbly fingers. His back was crooked so he walked with a slight limp, and when he smiled, you could see he was missing teeth. He walked over the dusty floor, his feet clumping loudly on the creaking wood before he stopped right in front of me.
"Hello, Bert." I said, not really even glancing up to look at him, I could hear his ragged breathing, smell his stale breath. It made me wrinkle up my nose a little.
"Malfoy." He replied, "What can I get you tonight?" I thought about it for a minute, and decided I was sick of Fire whiskey, and needed something new.
"Scotch, on the rocks." I said gruffly. I watched him pour the amber liquid in a dirty glass over a few hunks of ice. It sloshed around in auburn swirls of strong alcohol, and my fingers closed around the glass gratefully. Looking into the glass, Pansy's eyes seemed to reflect back at me. Empty, desolate, helpless…I resisted the urge to shake my head and tossed the entire glass of scotch back in one shot. I slammed the glass back onto the counter and my hand convulsed around it as the fluid burned down my throat and into my stomach, the ice chiming in the bottom of the dirty glass. Bert just rose and eyebrow at me, and refilled my glass. This time, no one was looking back up at me. This time, it was just my own eyes staring into the burning liquid. As I downed the next glass almost as quickly as the first one, I wondered vaguely if I was an alcoholic, then I wondered if it even mattered, whether or not I was. I was going to die anyways. Die of murder or liver poisoning…neither was too tempting…so who gave a shit? If I was going to go out, might as well go out happy…looking down into the glass filled with artificial promises…I knew I wasn't happy. I was broken, pathetic and alone. I was an 18-year-old kid, sitting by himself in a filthy bar, drinking his problems away from a dirty glass. I wasn't happy. I wasn't even remotely content. But here, in the dank bar, no one knew how pathetic I was, no one could see…and that's why I stayed there and didn't return to the castle. I'd rather be drunk and alone, than sober and ashamed of myself. But now I was starting to feel it, my head was starting to buzz and I was feeling a little dizzy. Looking at the amber scotch, a pair of brown eyes materialised again, but these eyes weren't empty and haunted…no, they were full of fire and life. The desire to heal, an undying will to survive. Ginny Weasely was staring back at me from the bottom of my shot glass. And suddenly, I was happy.
A/U: Heyy guyyss, sorry I haven't updated in a while. Just been really busy, u kno, parteeing, trying to deal with a broken heart…prolly not in the most healthy way possible, and im gunna have to make some drastic changes to my life style so I don't become a complete slut, but meh, w.e. Everything will work out. I know it's kinda short, but I didn't want to spoil it by dragging it on. Ill try and update more often. Please leavce a nice long review!
Ashen