Dereliction of Duty
Chapter 1 – Remus Lupin

I feel like a fool.

I should have told Harry. Dumbledore's orders be damned, I should have told him.

Sirius said that Harry needed to know.

Sirius is dead.

Dumbledore's dead.

I wonder if Sirius is hitting him right now, and if Lily and James are happy to see him.

I wonder if they're watching me. All four of them.

I wonder if Lily and James were watching when I let Dumbledore take Harry to Privet Drive for the first time. When I just stood aside and watched as he was taken away from the last free and living family member he had.

Oh, I know I'm not his blood. But Lily told me that I'm a part of their family in every way that matters. I'm family.

I shouldn't have let him go.

I remember being Uncle Moony. Coming over when Harry was just a baby, watching him perform feats of accidental – and some not-so-accidental – magic at such a young age. He levitated a picture of his grandfather when he knocked it off the coffee table one day. He was only a year old.

It was incredible.

I remember putting him to bed that night Lily and James went out on a date and asked Sirius and I to watch him. Sirius was running around playing with Harry, crawling on the ground right beside him, and was so worn out that he fell asleep before Harry did. I covered Sirius up on the couch and left him there, and then I took Harry into the nursery.

It took him so long to fall asleep, because Sirius had gotten him all worked up. I sat in the rocking chair I'd carved him and rocked him for hours. He just laid there in my arms, his beautiful green eyes, so much like Lily's, staring into mine.

I made a promise that night to him. A promise I didn't keep.

When he finally drifted to sleep, I swore I would always protect him. I swore that I would always be there for him when he needed me.

And then, when he needed me, I let him go.

I remember stopping by Privet Drive before I left for France… a month after he'd been left at that house. I could hear him crying from the street. I could hear that woman cursing him from the street.

I just stood there. And then I left.

I never told Dumbledore. I never told Arabella. I never told anyone.

I just ran away. I just left him completely alone.

I didn't see him again until his third year. And when I did, I panicked. I avoided him. I treated him like just another student.

The only thing I ever did for him was to teach him one spell.

Then Sirius was innocent. And we were together again. After years of being alone, I had one of my best friends back. And he had to go on the run, and I barely saw him.

I left Harry alone.

And then, Harry's fourth year. He had that blasted tournament. He nearly died.

I didn't even owl him. I wanted, so badly, to go to the third task. I almost owled Molly and asked if she'd mind me tagging along. But I didn't feel welcome. Why would he want useless old Moony there? I'd never been there for him. I didn't expect him to want me there.

And I was right. I asked Molly that summer if he'd asked about any of us. He hadn't even mentioned me.

Then his fifth year. Hermione and Ginny told me what had been happening to him. Hermione, especially, owled me and told me that Umbridge was giving Harry detention again and again. She had wanted to firecall me, and I could tell there was more she wanted to tell me, but I refused. If Umbridge found out I was still in touch with some of my old students, she would give Dumbledore a very hard time, I said.

And then, Ron owled me.

I remember the howler he sent with perfect clarity.

"YOU USELESS OLD MAN! THAT ABSOLUTE BITCH IS MAKING HIM CUT HIS HAND OPEN EVERY NIGHT WITH A BLOOD QUILL! DON'T YOU EVEN CARE? WHAT USE IS THE PRECIOUS ORDER IF IT CAN'T EVEN PROTECT HIM FROM A TEACHER?"

I owled him back and calmly asked what Harry wanted done about it. And I received a second howler in response.

"NOTHING, YOU GREAT PONCE! HE'S AFRAID MCGONAGALL AND DUMBLEDORE WILL BE FIRED IF THEY TRY TO HELP HIM! HE REFUSES TO TELL ANYBODY! HE THINKS HE HAS TO PROTECT EVERYBODY! YOU FOOL, HE THINKS ALL HE HAS IS HERMIONE AND ME! WHAT ABOUT HIS GODFATHER, EH? AND WHAT ABOUT REMUS LUPIN? WHAT GOOD ARE YOU TO HIM?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I wasn't about to go against Harry's wishes, I told myself.

But only Ron and I knew the truth. Only we knew that I was too afraid to help my best friend's son.

Only we know that I've always been useless.

And after Snape threw Harry out of his office, after he quit teaching Harry Occlumency, I said I'd go down and make him start again.

I didn't.

I was afraid Umbridge would catch me and throw me out.

Always, I've been afraid.

And then Sirius died. Ron was attacked by the brains in the Department of Mysteries. Hermione nearly died. Neville was tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange. Ginny broke her ankle. Harry was possessed by Voldemort. Only Luna seemed to be unharmed by the battle.

And I knew. I knew that it was entirely my fault.

If I had made Snape resume the lessons, like I had said I would, Harry never would have been lured out of Hogwarts.

If I'd owled Harry once in a while, he would have known he could turn to me if something happened.

If I'd made Sirius stay behind when the call came in to go to the Department of Mysteries, he wouldn't have died.

I was a fool. And it was entirely my fault.

And so I drowned in guilt. I wouldn't talk to Harry, to Arthur, to anyone. I avoided both Harry and Ron like the plague. I took to ducking into my room any time I saw Tonks coming. And Dumbledore…

I never wanted to see Dumbledore again.

Another year went by. I wallowed in my guilt. I drowned myself in solitude.

And I failed Harry again.

He should have been training. He should have kept the DA going. He should have been doing more to prepare himself than simple history lessons with Dumbledore.

I should have owled him. I should have gone to the school to visit him.

I should have ripped Scrimgeour apart when he tried to use Harry to make himself look good.

But I didn't. I just avoided everybody. I avoided everything.

And then it all went to Hell again.

Dumbledore died.

And now, Harry's going to go off with Ron and Hermione on some half-brained scheme to find bits of Voldemort's soul. With no support. With no help.

I turn into the sitting room and slowly sit down in front of Harry. I know I have to talk to Tonks, too, but Harry has to come first.

He's never come first before, but he always should have.

I need to live. That's what Lily would say. I need to live.

James would tell me to shut up and do what I know I should do.

"Harry," I said slowly, and he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. They are red-rimmed and puffy, and he wipes at his eyes, trying to hide the quite obvious fact that he has been crying.

And suddenly, I realize that we have all failed him.

All of us, except for Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna.

All of the Order has failed where five children succeeded.

We have not let the Boy Who Lived down. We have let Harry down.

"Harry," I say again.

"You can't stop me," he says mutinously. "I know what I have to do. Dumbledore told me. I'm not going back to Hogwarts. You won't make…"

He trails off when I hold up a hand.

"Of course I won't make you, Harry. Though you must admit, Hogwarts would make a good Headquarters to work out of while you're searching. And with Minerva and Filius there, you could easily gain training in dueling."

He's eying me suspiciously now, and I understand. I've never been there for him.

That ends now.

"And, of course, I hope you'll let me help you," I continue. "I'll even quit the Order if you like, though I daresay you'll need their information. But I suspect that combining Hermione's already formidable research skills and spell lexicon with mine, in addition to Ron's determination, tactical knowledge and bravery, will give you an even better team."

And now, he looks absolutely flabbergasted. It hurts to see that he's so shocked I want to help him.

"And Harry," I added slowly, looking him in the eye. "You do need to live while you're fighting."

It took a moment before he spoke. "The prophecy says neither can live while the other survives."

"Well," I replied, "You'll just have to prove it wrong, won't you?" Smiling slightly, I whispered, "She's good for you, Harry. I've never seen a couple more suited for each other than the two of you, unless it was Lily and James."

And then I clap him on the shoulder and leave in search of Ron. I owe him an apology, I know. Because he was right. I was of no use to Harry.

Tonks will be next.

I hope she'll still have me.

Do I even have to say it anymore:) Ah, well, repetition can be good for me - Review if you have somethng to say, folks.

Cheers,
LIZ