The TRUE Origin Of John
Disclaimer: I do not own Halo.
The Monitor cackled, "Hee hee. I am a genius."
Keye's ghost floated forward, and asked, "What is so important here, that you'd have to steal my stash of porn…opraganda?"
"Nothing… except to make you as crazy as I am." The Monitor laughed, as he began his story.
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Once upon a time, Lt. Keyes was reading, and enjoying the newest copy of Playdude, even though he should have been monitoring the COM stations like a REAL Lieutenant would-
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"I didn't read the COMs because I thought that we were gonna die anyways! There were pirates!" The ghost of Captain Keyes shouted.
"So… you have been reading Playdude?" Dr. Halsey stopped pounding the door to glare at the ghost.
"No! I've been monitoring the… porn! Oh, damn it." Keyes muttered, as he realized his mistake.
The Monitor clucked impatiently.
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In truth, Keyes thought they were screwed, anyways. Their ship only had a MAC system, three nuclear warheads, and several Archer missile pods. All useless because he had no idea how to use them, because he was a worthless, pathetic disgrace to the rank of Lieutenant. Then, he decided to go to the cryo bay. He figured that he might as well take his time. Still reading the Playdude, he finally reached it (bumping into several walls like the clumsy idiot he is). He saw the only female occupant took several pictures with a camera, and uploaded them onto eBay. Then, he hid the camera, stripped, and set himself in another cryotube. Still 24 hours to go-
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"You what??" Dr. Halsey screeched, as she vainly assaulted the ghost, who in turn, tried to attack the hovering orb.
The Master Chief spoke up. "It's true, Keyes. You do have an affinity for porn. On the Pillar of Autumn, you couldn't keep your eyes off of the freaking AI… that we… all… love… and is superior to us… in every way." His voice trailed off as Cortana glared at him, from her pedestal.
"On with the story." The Monitor chirped angrily. He turned to Keyes's ghost. "Another word out of you…" A Sentinel floated in. But what really struck Keyes was what it was wielding.
A Vacuum cleaner.
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Eventually, they reached their destination, Elysium City. There, they saw a bunch of kids running around… but no test subject. Of course, Keyes didn't notice, because he was too busy trying to pick up girls. Unsuccessfully, I might add.
"Keyes, do you know where John is?" Halsey asked.
"What?" Keyes replied, as yet another girl slapped him. Hard.
Halsey ignored him, and focused on the children running around… to the top of the hill, jumping, and bouncing off… wait, bouncing? She ran up to the hill.
"John!" She called. The top of the hill rumbled. It turned out that John was a real fatso. And he was wearing a green sweater, which explained why they didn't see him at first.
"That's John?" Keyes asked. "Damn! He's fat!"
"That was just mean." John whimpered. He began to cry.
"Shut the hell up Keyes, and watch it." Halsey hissed.
"Sure thing ma'am." Keyes smirked, and began staring at her back.
Halsey took out a quarter from the 2000's (Wow, that was imaginative.) and held it in front of him. "Normally, I'd go through some random spiel, but we don't have the time. But look at it. There is an eagle and a face… and yadda yadda yadda."
"That's an eagle? I thought it was a chicken!"
"Whatever. I'll flip the coin, and you'll tell me what you think will be face-up." Halsey flipped the coin.
"Eagle! Chicken! Face! Eagle! Face! Eagle!" John chanted. The coin landed face up on his blubber. Then it bounced off. Eagle up.
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The story ended abruptly as the Master Chief grabbed his battle rifle, and pointed it at 343 Guilty Spark. He fired twice, screaming, "I'm not fat! I'm not fat!"
The bullets bounced off of the machine. It exclaimed, "Lucky you. This part is now officially over."
Everyone cheered… until it spoke again. "But, another story is in the progress."
A/N: I know, short. But that's what this is. Short stories. Return next time for more of 343's insanity!