Chapter 8

Homer then saw that the highlights of his tools were a hammer, a chainsaw, a drill, a screwdriver, and a battery-powered radial saw. Homer looked at them all and decided which to use. "This is going to be tough," Homer said to himself. The next thing Homer knew, he walked up the stairs with a Duff beer. He gulped it down. "Ah…nothing like beer," he sighed. "In fact, I think I'll go to the downstairs fridge for another." He completely ignored Chucky and Maggie's banging. The door was starting to cave in.

Instead of acting concerned, Homer opened the fridge full of ice cold Duffs. In a heartbeat, Homer gulped down beer after beer. He was able to drink 10 Duffs a second. After a minute or so, Homer had cleaned the fridge of Duff cans. He did not feel very well. His orientation suffered, and he wobbled around the room. An ant passed by him, making the smallest noise an ant could make. "Stop making that racket!" Homer whispered to the ant. The ant looked confused and just kept moving. "I said to stop making that awful loud noise," Homer whispered again. He then got up and started dancing like a buffoon.

"Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee," he whispered. "I'm…Homer Alan Smith Jackson! Thank you, thank you very much for your times, ladies and merriment, but I have a spoon to feed. Goodbye, radius maximus!" He then howled like an idiot. He then got on all fours and growled. "I'm a tiger!"

The door banged louder than ever. "You imbecile! Open the door this instant!" cried Chucky. He banged the door even louder.

"Oh no!" Homer sobbed. "My doctor is home from work! He's going to realize that I didn't plant the flowers like he carpeted me to! I'd better paint the color five!" Homer then took his drill off the wall and put it in the paint can. He then stabbed the drill into the wall, making random marks. "Drawing is sure lots of kites, isn't it, computer mouse?"

"Raaah…THAT'S IT!" bellowed Chucky. "Maggie and I are coming down right now!" The two of them rushed toward the door, and then, they successfully tore down the door. Homer saw it, and he also saw Maggie and Chucky barreling down quickly. However, he misinterpreted it.

"Ah…my friendly neighbor, Mike Greenette is here to come for a quick calculator," Homer sighed. "How thoughtful." Chucky and Maggie leapt on Homer, and they began to stab the life out of him. "Ah…that feels so good," sighed Homer. "I like the feeling of a pony licking my bear. It's so refreshing. I think I'll give him a reward." Homer, feeling no pain at all, got up with Chucky and Maggie still stabbing him and went to his battery-powered radial saw, which he thought was a big can of tuna.

Homer, who unknowingly had great strength, pried Chucky and Maggie off his body. They then started flailing around and stabbing his arm. "So help me, you're going down!" Chucky cried. "Why the hell haven't you died yet? You're acting like a complete moron!"

Homer then turned on the radial saw and placed Chucky under it. "No, no, what don't you understand, NO!" shouted Chucky.

But Homer held him down. "No thanks are necessary, walrus. I'm giving you this big can of tuna for a birthday surprise. Don't ruin it, or the brick will tell your father about your secret stash of speaker microphonies." Homer then turned on the radial saw and moved it toward Chucky. Maggie was about to stab Homer again, but then, she looked at him in the eyes, and she looked over at Chucky. Chucky was evil, and Homer was a kind, well-meaning man. He may have been really stupid at times, but he was still a great father. She couldn't believe she said she didn't like him. She couldn't kill him. She dropped her knife and gave Homer's arm a hug. Homer didn't realize it, though.

"NOOOOO! YOU MORON DON'T, DON'T, DON'T! WATCH WHAT YOIUR'E DOING!" Chucky hollered, fearing that he would be sliced in half.

Homer, paying no attention, giggled. "I like it when my walrus enjoys his tuna." Homer then ran the blades through Chucky, which finally shut him up. Guts, blood, and other organic matter flew across the basement, signaling that Chucky was being taken care of.

"Wow! Free carpet cleaning salesmen!" Homer said, seeing all the guts flying across the basement. He then went everywhere to try to lick them off the walls. The radial saw, however, kept running, and a big puddle of blood remained around Chucky, dripping from the table. As Homer licked the blood, he dropped unconsciously on the ground. Maggie went over to Homer and gave him a big hug and kiss. She stayed with him in the basement for the rest of the night.