Title: Today 'They' Won the Battle
Author: Rhasa
Rating: PG13
Category: M/A developing relationship. Angst.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made, no infringement intended.
Spoilers: None
I would love to hear from anyone who reads this. In fact I am desperate.
Today 'They' Won the Battle Part 9 By Rhasa
"Are you okay?" Mole asked Alec, as he navigated the back alleys of what was once the financial district of Seattle.
It wasn't like Alec to be quiet for so long. He was one X5 with a mouth on him. Despite the seriousness of what they were about to do, Mole had expected a little chit chat from the guy sitting next to him. Everyone knew that talking a mile a minute helped Alec burn off excess energy, and helped him to focus. But so far, a good ten minutes after leaving Terminal City, he hadn't uttered a single syllable, which made Mole a little unsettled.
"Yeah," Alec replied without further elaboration.
"You don't look okay," Mole said bluntly.
"I'm alright."
"You don't look alright," Mole pushed.
Alec gave him a stern look. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"Quit it, will ya', Mole?" Alec said, clearly irritated.
Mole snorted; at least it was more than a one or two word answer now. "I'm just makin' an observation, that's all. No harm in that."
"There will be harm, me harming you, if you keep on yappin' about it," Alec retorted.
"Lover's spat?" Mole continued a few seconds later, unconcerned by Alec's threat.
"Mole, I swear-" Alex growled, a breathe away from pounding on his ass.
"Okay, okay. Forget I said anything. Just want to make sure your head's in
the game and not--" he turned to look Alec in the eyes, "--on other
things."
"My head's just where it ought to be. Now get yours where it ought to be,
that being focused on the road in front of you," Alec pointed to the street on which they were rambling along and growled.
"You can't screw this up," Mole reminded him, the first real words about their current "mission" outside of the meeting Max had called earlier.
Alec gave Mole a look. Did Mole really think he was going to screw this up? Nah. He knew Alec took this mission seriously. After all if it hadn't been for Alec's own little unauthorised trip outside of Terminal City then the two X5's that had followed him wouldn't have needed rescuing right about now.
Alec, while not directly blaming himself for the stupidity of the two, felt somewhat responsible for their capture. Max's little guilt trip that she had laid on him earlier had seen to that. He knew he screwed up, and it wasn't likely that he was going to deliberately let her down again. He'd rescue their sorry asses just like he said he would, maybe then Max would find it in her heart to forgive him and trust him again...
"You can't screw this up. Did you hear what I said?" Mole's voice broke through Alec's thoughts. Not a good sign. Already he was allowing himself to get distracted.
"I don't intend to," Alec said casually.
"You know I'm thinking that there is a good chance we're about to step into
a trap set by White," Mole theorised.
"Your objections were noted at the meeting," Alec said, coldly.
"And *ignored*, just like they usually are," Mole grumbled.
"And *weighed* against the consequences of us not going in, and the
possibility that it isn't a trap, and what happens to Thor and Switch then," Alec clarified.
"Whatever. But like I said, trap or not, you can't screw this up. We'll only
get one shot at rescuing their sorry asses, and you can't afford to let your
personal feelings stand in the way of what you have to get done today."
"What?" Alec asked turning towards his friend.
"Personal Feelings. You can't let them get in the way," Mole repeated.
"Funny," Alec said, looking absently out the window.
"What is?" Mole asked, taking another long draw on his cigar.
"That's exactly what Max said earlier."
He had vowed to himself that he wouldn't replay the scene with Max in his head one more time. He had done it to death already. But he couldn't help it. He thought if he could just somehow change one minor detail, one small aspect, then things would have turned out so differently. His dream and what had happened between him and Max left him disoriented and somewhat anxious.
If only he could make her understand... If only she could feel what he felt then maybe..
But, when he looked back on it, he had started off on the wrong foot and things kind of went downhill from there...
"Hey, Max," Alec he had said softly from the doorway, his eyes downcast when she spun in the direction of his voice.
"Where the hell have you been?" She spat back at him, taking two great strides towards him, hands clenched at her side.
"Why do I get the impression that you already know where I've been?" He asked her sarcastically.
"You're damn right I know. You know what else I know?" She snarled. "I know it's going to take me about five seconds to kick your ass," she threatened.
He could tell she was ready for a fight. She was jumpy. She jerked her head around. She couldn't seem to stand still. Her eyes were fiery and her breathing rapid. A typical fear response coupled with adrenaline, he thought. He'd seen that look before. Hell he had been on the receiving end of a 'Max tirade' that had started out just like this before. He took one look at her and knew.. he, or something, had scared her. And now she was ready to pounce on his ass to make him pay. No one made Max worry herself to distraction without paying for it - especially not him.
"Don't be pissed," he sighed, already defeated, he wasn't in the mood to go ten rounds with her.
"Don't be pissed?" She asked in an incredulous tone. "DON'T BE PISSED? Give me one god damn good reason NOT to be PISSED!"
"There's really not that much to be pissed about," he shrugged as he moved away from the doorframe and further into the room.
He wasn't quite ready to have it out with her. Up until ten or so minutes ago he had been under the impression that he wouldn't have to defend himself to her - he had believed that she hadn't known able his trip outside Terminal City. The heads up from Dix had dashed all those illusions, though. "Max knows where you've been," his friend had told him. "You'd better get your story together fast," he'd offered. "Or you could lie low for a while," he further warned.
Alec wished he had taken Dix's earlier advice and avoided Max altogether as she yelled at him again. "NOT MUCH TO BE PISSED ABOUT?" she roared.
"Max-" Alec started before she cut him off.
It was obvious she was having none of his excuses. Crossing her arms in front of her she tried desperately to calm down, but she couldn't help that jealousy made it into her voice. "What were you thinking? Huh? A quick follow up? Not getting enough action in Terminal City anymore?" She accused him.
"It wasn't like that at all!" Alec said angrily back at her, disappointed that he had snapped at her so soon and that she could make him rise to the bait so easily. "I got word from that new trio of transgenics that came in Tuesday, that they met an X5 that matched Mary's description in Slaven district Tuesday. I went to check it out."
"So you just went to check it out?"
"What? Is there an echo in here?" he said.
She pinned him with a petulant glare. "Why? Why would you need to go check it out? Why would you need to see her again?"
"What I have to explain myself to you now, Max?"
"Yes. As leader of this outfit, you do." She asserted.
Alec could feel the anger rising inside of him. If he didn't know any better, she was jealous. She had no right to be jealous. He hadn't done anything and even if he had there was no 'understanding' between them. She was jealous and she was making him feel guilty for something he should not feel guilty about, which made him even madder. "Well then, I guess as 'leader' of this outfit, you're going to have to 'order' me to tell you, because if you're asking as a friend, I don't think it is any of your damn business."
"Alec--"
"Max, leave it alone will you," he warned.
"No." She said defiantly. "I want to know. I want to know just why is it that you disobeyed the fist order in Terminal City and went to visit that.. that..."
"She's not what you think she is, and even if she was it's none of your damn business."
"No. I'm not buying that, Alec. I want to know. Why? Why did you leave your post?"
"I wasn't on duty!"
"You know what I mean. Why? Why leave? Why go after her?"
"Because she's the mother of my child!"
"You went to see her because of Jed?"
"No. I mean yes. hell I don't know, Max. I went to see her for a lot of reasons. I went to see if she was okay. She took off out of here so quick. You even thought that for a mother to leave her own child something must be wrong. Well I wondered too, Max. I wondered and I worried over why she abandoned him. Why she didn't stay here with the rest of us. And I've wondered what I would tell Jed when he was older as to where his mother is. I wondered and I worried about her and I thought.. I don't know.. I guess, a part of me thought that I might change her mind. A part of me felt that if she could see how dangerous it was out there for her then maybe.. she'd come back."
"And then what? You'd play 'happy families'?" Max couldn't keep the bitterness and sarcasm out of her voice.
"No. It's not like that," he said softly, ignoring her antics.
"As you said, she is the mother of your son." Max said it like an accusation.
Alec pinned her with a look. "She's someone I had sex with. Not someone I love."
"What, and you couldn't learn to love her, for Jed's sake?"
"No," he said.
"Why not?" Max pressed.
"Because I couldn't!" He said lowering his tone. "It was duty that made Jed. Not love."
"Just because Jed was made because you were following orders doesn't mean that you and Mary can't make a go of it. People have gotten together for lesser reasons," she said with a bitterness in her voice that made her despise herself. Who was she to stand in the way of his choices, if that's what he really wanted?
He shook his head slightly. "It wouldn't work."
"Maybe-"
"No, Max. It wouldn't work." He said determinedly. "I know it wouldn't work." he silently implored her to understand the meaning behind his words.
"Then why risk everything to just go see how she is?" Max asked.
"I told you why. I didn't think much of it. Out and back in again. I wouldn't be gone long. No one was to know I was gone. It was no big deal."
"Alec, are you insane? You jeopardise all of us, when you act on your own. With White out there, god-knows where, and most of Seattle against us, every time you step outside that gate, you not only put yourself at risk but us as well. What if you had been captured, and somehow they had gotten information out of you? What if they'd tortured you and you gave up the location of the tunnels."
He stood straighter and put his hands on his hips. "I wouldn't give up that information."
"Maybe not willingly," she said. "But you don't know what they're capable of."
"Oh yes I do. Six months, psy-ops, remember? I know a thing or two about torture. I wouldn't betray Terminal City."
"You don't know that," she said sadly.
"Yes I do."
"They have ways-"
"I wouldn't betray you," he declared.
"Don't you see-" she whispered softly now, "-you already did."
He looked up at her. Her eyes pleading with him, begging him to understand.
"Every time you go out without permission, without clearing it first, you undermine me, she said. "Every defiant action, no matter how small, sends a message to those who are left behind." Alec looked away, his actions suddenly making him feel guilty. Max stepped forward and put a hand on his arm. Startled by the sensation of her touching him, he looked at her once more. "I'm hanging on by a thread here, Alec," she said. "You know how people feel. You know there's a growing number who think it's only a matter of time until White comes busting down that door. They're just looking for a perfect excuse to leave, and you're going to give it to them."
He looked at her intently. "I never intended to send a signal to the others."
"Yeah? There's a few people round here who'll find that hard to believe."
"What are you talking about?"
"Thor and Switch. Dix caught them on video relay. They snuck out not that much after you did. They used the western tunnel, just like you did. I'm surprised you didn't run into them, down near the dock."
"I didn't know they followed me."
"If you say so," she said, dropping her hand and moving away from him.
"How can you even question that, Max?" he asked her.
"How can I not?" she asked. "The truth is you don't respect me as a leader."
"That's not true," he said.
"Yes it is, Alec. Running off, let's forget about asking, but without even telling me, without even giving me the opportunity to watch your back, proves that you don't give a damn about us here in TC. You were only thinking about yourself, your own wants, and your own needs."
"You don't understand," he offered. "This. this has nothing to do with you," he sighed as he dropped his eyes to the ground, somewhat ashamed, in some of the truth in what she was saying. He stood there, afraid to look her in her eyes again. The disappointment he saw in their depths wrenching something inside him. Some of what she said was true, but some of it was so far off the mark..How could he make her understand, when he didn't understand it himself.
"Alec, we need you," she said barely above a whisper after a few moments of discomfit, her tone placid enough for him to raise his head and look in her direction once more. "*I* need you," she continued, her eyes seeking his. "But unless you can give us your best, you should go.. before you really hurt us."
Her words surprised him.
She held his gaze for a few long moments, something passing between them.. an understanding that she didn't need him just as her second-in-command but in another way.. a more personal way.. something that they had never talked about, never hinted at, but something there in the background for all these months nevertheless.
She needed him. She had been jealous that he had gone to see Mary. But she needed him.
And God he needed her too.
"I would never hurt you," he whispered as he took a step closer towards her, intent on showing her just how wrong she had read this whole situation.. "I would never leave you. I meant what I said at the start of all this. We're in this together," he said slowly, clearly as he continued to close the distance between them. "As long as we fight, I will fight by your side, Max."
She looked away. She wanted to believe him, but there was too much at stake here - the safety of them all, no less.
"I wish I could believe that," she said.
"You can. If you allow yourself to," he whispered, as he reached out a hand towards her face wanting desperately to make a connection with her,
Max watched mesmerized as he drew nearer. Something was happening here that she didn't quite understand. She was supposed to be pissed at him. He had disobeyed a direct order. He had acted on his own. He had jeopardised them all. And he had broken the trust that had been built between them.
But she knew, even from the beginning, from the moment she found out where he had gone that she wouldn't be able to stay angry at him for long, not when she was overwhelmed with sheer relief at his safe return. She had been more worried than angry, and in truth, now that he was back standing before her, punishing himself more that she ever could, she felt more relieved than betrayed.
"Trust me," he said, his words spoken on a breath that brushed across his cheek.
Max couldn't help it; she closed her eyes to the sensation, wanting to fight both him and her own reactions to him. "Trust me," she felt and heard him say again, knowing that his pleas would be her undoing.
Those two words.. seemingly simple... asked a whole lot more than mere forgiveness for his latest transgression. She bit her lip. She knew he was seeking her permission.. Permission to explore something new to both of them... He had always been the bolder one of the two.
"I want to," she whispered, as she felt the heat radiating from the proximity of his body. She felt as if she was going to explode with anticipation. She hissed and drew a deep shuddering breath as his hand reached forward to cup her cheek, his thumb lightly caressing the skin below her ear. Goosebumps rose quickly on her skin and she leant into his touch.
"Then let go," she heard him whisper softly, his words teasing and exciting her. With her eyes still closed she sensed his face mere millimetres from her own. She heard her heartbeat resonating inside of her and her body tensed with her need for him. She should stop this, but before she could allow herself to think of the reasons why she couldn't, why she wouldn't, she found herself drowning as he kissed her long and hard..and she felt as if she could forgive him for anything as long as he didn't stop.
He was like fire. He consumed her. Years of pent up frustration over this amazing girl, unleashed themselves upon him and he was helpless. He pushed her gently towards the nearest wall, anchoring her there with his body as he kissed and nipped and suckled every inch of her that lay bare. He couldn't get enough of her taste, her smell... he couldn't get enough of just her. No one had ever affected him as much as Max did. He kissed and fondled and moaned when she kissed him back. He wanted her so badly, not just for now, but possibly for ever...
"I can't," she heard herself say suddenly as she moved quickly to her left, leaving Alec alone with an empty space before him. She heard a moan of disappointment escape from his lips as she put some more distance between them.
"I can't let my personal feelings get in the way of my command," she said out loud, more to herself than to him. Her brain was trying hard to justify her actions, but her heart, which was beating wildly in her chest, ached at the loss.
"Max." Alec drawled as he turned to face her, not really knowing what to say to her next. He had tipped his hand. He had let her know just how he felt, or so he thought.
"I can't let my personal feelings get in the way, Alec. You're a soldier, and I'm your leader and you disobeyed me. I can't trust you just now. You betrayed me. In time, when that trust has returned.. then..maybe. But for now, I can't trust you," she said sadly, but resigned.
Alec sighed. He had thought that now..maybe.. was the right time and yet a small apart of hi wasn't surprised that she had pulled away. It was clear that she didn't understand him fully.
"You know," he said, casually as he brought his hand up to rub his face. "The reason why I'm sure I couldn't make a go of it with Mary, don't you?" he asked looking Max directly in the eye.
She shook her head.
"I couldn't bring myself to love her, because I'm in love with someone else," he told her.
Max stared at him, not surprised, but overwhelmed despite herself.
"I do love you Alec," she sighed, her eyes now filling with tears. "But I'm leader here, leading a motley bunch," she choked. "And I can't let my personal feelings get in the way."
TBC
Author's Note:
If you are still reading, or have just read this chapter for the first time I would love for you to drop me a line. It would give me such a lift. Just say "Hi. Read your stuff." That's all I need to make my day.
Til next time
Rhasa aka Sarah
Author: Rhasa
Rating: PG13
Category: M/A developing relationship. Angst.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made, no infringement intended.
Spoilers: None
I would love to hear from anyone who reads this. In fact I am desperate.
Today 'They' Won the Battle Part 9 By Rhasa
"Are you okay?" Mole asked Alec, as he navigated the back alleys of what was once the financial district of Seattle.
It wasn't like Alec to be quiet for so long. He was one X5 with a mouth on him. Despite the seriousness of what they were about to do, Mole had expected a little chit chat from the guy sitting next to him. Everyone knew that talking a mile a minute helped Alec burn off excess energy, and helped him to focus. But so far, a good ten minutes after leaving Terminal City, he hadn't uttered a single syllable, which made Mole a little unsettled.
"Yeah," Alec replied without further elaboration.
"You don't look okay," Mole said bluntly.
"I'm alright."
"You don't look alright," Mole pushed.
Alec gave him a stern look. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"Quit it, will ya', Mole?" Alec said, clearly irritated.
Mole snorted; at least it was more than a one or two word answer now. "I'm just makin' an observation, that's all. No harm in that."
"There will be harm, me harming you, if you keep on yappin' about it," Alec retorted.
"Lover's spat?" Mole continued a few seconds later, unconcerned by Alec's threat.
"Mole, I swear-" Alex growled, a breathe away from pounding on his ass.
"Okay, okay. Forget I said anything. Just want to make sure your head's in
the game and not--" he turned to look Alec in the eyes, "--on other
things."
"My head's just where it ought to be. Now get yours where it ought to be,
that being focused on the road in front of you," Alec pointed to the street on which they were rambling along and growled.
"You can't screw this up," Mole reminded him, the first real words about their current "mission" outside of the meeting Max had called earlier.
Alec gave Mole a look. Did Mole really think he was going to screw this up? Nah. He knew Alec took this mission seriously. After all if it hadn't been for Alec's own little unauthorised trip outside of Terminal City then the two X5's that had followed him wouldn't have needed rescuing right about now.
Alec, while not directly blaming himself for the stupidity of the two, felt somewhat responsible for their capture. Max's little guilt trip that she had laid on him earlier had seen to that. He knew he screwed up, and it wasn't likely that he was going to deliberately let her down again. He'd rescue their sorry asses just like he said he would, maybe then Max would find it in her heart to forgive him and trust him again...
"You can't screw this up. Did you hear what I said?" Mole's voice broke through Alec's thoughts. Not a good sign. Already he was allowing himself to get distracted.
"I don't intend to," Alec said casually.
"You know I'm thinking that there is a good chance we're about to step into
a trap set by White," Mole theorised.
"Your objections were noted at the meeting," Alec said, coldly.
"And *ignored*, just like they usually are," Mole grumbled.
"And *weighed* against the consequences of us not going in, and the
possibility that it isn't a trap, and what happens to Thor and Switch then," Alec clarified.
"Whatever. But like I said, trap or not, you can't screw this up. We'll only
get one shot at rescuing their sorry asses, and you can't afford to let your
personal feelings stand in the way of what you have to get done today."
"What?" Alec asked turning towards his friend.
"Personal Feelings. You can't let them get in the way," Mole repeated.
"Funny," Alec said, looking absently out the window.
"What is?" Mole asked, taking another long draw on his cigar.
"That's exactly what Max said earlier."
He had vowed to himself that he wouldn't replay the scene with Max in his head one more time. He had done it to death already. But he couldn't help it. He thought if he could just somehow change one minor detail, one small aspect, then things would have turned out so differently. His dream and what had happened between him and Max left him disoriented and somewhat anxious.
If only he could make her understand... If only she could feel what he felt then maybe..
But, when he looked back on it, he had started off on the wrong foot and things kind of went downhill from there...
"Hey, Max," Alec he had said softly from the doorway, his eyes downcast when she spun in the direction of his voice.
"Where the hell have you been?" She spat back at him, taking two great strides towards him, hands clenched at her side.
"Why do I get the impression that you already know where I've been?" He asked her sarcastically.
"You're damn right I know. You know what else I know?" She snarled. "I know it's going to take me about five seconds to kick your ass," she threatened.
He could tell she was ready for a fight. She was jumpy. She jerked her head around. She couldn't seem to stand still. Her eyes were fiery and her breathing rapid. A typical fear response coupled with adrenaline, he thought. He'd seen that look before. Hell he had been on the receiving end of a 'Max tirade' that had started out just like this before. He took one look at her and knew.. he, or something, had scared her. And now she was ready to pounce on his ass to make him pay. No one made Max worry herself to distraction without paying for it - especially not him.
"Don't be pissed," he sighed, already defeated, he wasn't in the mood to go ten rounds with her.
"Don't be pissed?" She asked in an incredulous tone. "DON'T BE PISSED? Give me one god damn good reason NOT to be PISSED!"
"There's really not that much to be pissed about," he shrugged as he moved away from the doorframe and further into the room.
He wasn't quite ready to have it out with her. Up until ten or so minutes ago he had been under the impression that he wouldn't have to defend himself to her - he had believed that she hadn't known able his trip outside Terminal City. The heads up from Dix had dashed all those illusions, though. "Max knows where you've been," his friend had told him. "You'd better get your story together fast," he'd offered. "Or you could lie low for a while," he further warned.
Alec wished he had taken Dix's earlier advice and avoided Max altogether as she yelled at him again. "NOT MUCH TO BE PISSED ABOUT?" she roared.
"Max-" Alec started before she cut him off.
It was obvious she was having none of his excuses. Crossing her arms in front of her she tried desperately to calm down, but she couldn't help that jealousy made it into her voice. "What were you thinking? Huh? A quick follow up? Not getting enough action in Terminal City anymore?" She accused him.
"It wasn't like that at all!" Alec said angrily back at her, disappointed that he had snapped at her so soon and that she could make him rise to the bait so easily. "I got word from that new trio of transgenics that came in Tuesday, that they met an X5 that matched Mary's description in Slaven district Tuesday. I went to check it out."
"So you just went to check it out?"
"What? Is there an echo in here?" he said.
She pinned him with a petulant glare. "Why? Why would you need to go check it out? Why would you need to see her again?"
"What I have to explain myself to you now, Max?"
"Yes. As leader of this outfit, you do." She asserted.
Alec could feel the anger rising inside of him. If he didn't know any better, she was jealous. She had no right to be jealous. He hadn't done anything and even if he had there was no 'understanding' between them. She was jealous and she was making him feel guilty for something he should not feel guilty about, which made him even madder. "Well then, I guess as 'leader' of this outfit, you're going to have to 'order' me to tell you, because if you're asking as a friend, I don't think it is any of your damn business."
"Alec--"
"Max, leave it alone will you," he warned.
"No." She said defiantly. "I want to know. I want to know just why is it that you disobeyed the fist order in Terminal City and went to visit that.. that..."
"She's not what you think she is, and even if she was it's none of your damn business."
"No. I'm not buying that, Alec. I want to know. Why? Why did you leave your post?"
"I wasn't on duty!"
"You know what I mean. Why? Why leave? Why go after her?"
"Because she's the mother of my child!"
"You went to see her because of Jed?"
"No. I mean yes. hell I don't know, Max. I went to see her for a lot of reasons. I went to see if she was okay. She took off out of here so quick. You even thought that for a mother to leave her own child something must be wrong. Well I wondered too, Max. I wondered and I worried over why she abandoned him. Why she didn't stay here with the rest of us. And I've wondered what I would tell Jed when he was older as to where his mother is. I wondered and I worried about her and I thought.. I don't know.. I guess, a part of me thought that I might change her mind. A part of me felt that if she could see how dangerous it was out there for her then maybe.. she'd come back."
"And then what? You'd play 'happy families'?" Max couldn't keep the bitterness and sarcasm out of her voice.
"No. It's not like that," he said softly, ignoring her antics.
"As you said, she is the mother of your son." Max said it like an accusation.
Alec pinned her with a look. "She's someone I had sex with. Not someone I love."
"What, and you couldn't learn to love her, for Jed's sake?"
"No," he said.
"Why not?" Max pressed.
"Because I couldn't!" He said lowering his tone. "It was duty that made Jed. Not love."
"Just because Jed was made because you were following orders doesn't mean that you and Mary can't make a go of it. People have gotten together for lesser reasons," she said with a bitterness in her voice that made her despise herself. Who was she to stand in the way of his choices, if that's what he really wanted?
He shook his head slightly. "It wouldn't work."
"Maybe-"
"No, Max. It wouldn't work." He said determinedly. "I know it wouldn't work." he silently implored her to understand the meaning behind his words.
"Then why risk everything to just go see how she is?" Max asked.
"I told you why. I didn't think much of it. Out and back in again. I wouldn't be gone long. No one was to know I was gone. It was no big deal."
"Alec, are you insane? You jeopardise all of us, when you act on your own. With White out there, god-knows where, and most of Seattle against us, every time you step outside that gate, you not only put yourself at risk but us as well. What if you had been captured, and somehow they had gotten information out of you? What if they'd tortured you and you gave up the location of the tunnels."
He stood straighter and put his hands on his hips. "I wouldn't give up that information."
"Maybe not willingly," she said. "But you don't know what they're capable of."
"Oh yes I do. Six months, psy-ops, remember? I know a thing or two about torture. I wouldn't betray Terminal City."
"You don't know that," she said sadly.
"Yes I do."
"They have ways-"
"I wouldn't betray you," he declared.
"Don't you see-" she whispered softly now, "-you already did."
He looked up at her. Her eyes pleading with him, begging him to understand.
"Every time you go out without permission, without clearing it first, you undermine me, she said. "Every defiant action, no matter how small, sends a message to those who are left behind." Alec looked away, his actions suddenly making him feel guilty. Max stepped forward and put a hand on his arm. Startled by the sensation of her touching him, he looked at her once more. "I'm hanging on by a thread here, Alec," she said. "You know how people feel. You know there's a growing number who think it's only a matter of time until White comes busting down that door. They're just looking for a perfect excuse to leave, and you're going to give it to them."
He looked at her intently. "I never intended to send a signal to the others."
"Yeah? There's a few people round here who'll find that hard to believe."
"What are you talking about?"
"Thor and Switch. Dix caught them on video relay. They snuck out not that much after you did. They used the western tunnel, just like you did. I'm surprised you didn't run into them, down near the dock."
"I didn't know they followed me."
"If you say so," she said, dropping her hand and moving away from him.
"How can you even question that, Max?" he asked her.
"How can I not?" she asked. "The truth is you don't respect me as a leader."
"That's not true," he said.
"Yes it is, Alec. Running off, let's forget about asking, but without even telling me, without even giving me the opportunity to watch your back, proves that you don't give a damn about us here in TC. You were only thinking about yourself, your own wants, and your own needs."
"You don't understand," he offered. "This. this has nothing to do with you," he sighed as he dropped his eyes to the ground, somewhat ashamed, in some of the truth in what she was saying. He stood there, afraid to look her in her eyes again. The disappointment he saw in their depths wrenching something inside him. Some of what she said was true, but some of it was so far off the mark..How could he make her understand, when he didn't understand it himself.
"Alec, we need you," she said barely above a whisper after a few moments of discomfit, her tone placid enough for him to raise his head and look in her direction once more. "*I* need you," she continued, her eyes seeking his. "But unless you can give us your best, you should go.. before you really hurt us."
Her words surprised him.
She held his gaze for a few long moments, something passing between them.. an understanding that she didn't need him just as her second-in-command but in another way.. a more personal way.. something that they had never talked about, never hinted at, but something there in the background for all these months nevertheless.
She needed him. She had been jealous that he had gone to see Mary. But she needed him.
And God he needed her too.
"I would never hurt you," he whispered as he took a step closer towards her, intent on showing her just how wrong she had read this whole situation.. "I would never leave you. I meant what I said at the start of all this. We're in this together," he said slowly, clearly as he continued to close the distance between them. "As long as we fight, I will fight by your side, Max."
She looked away. She wanted to believe him, but there was too much at stake here - the safety of them all, no less.
"I wish I could believe that," she said.
"You can. If you allow yourself to," he whispered, as he reached out a hand towards her face wanting desperately to make a connection with her,
Max watched mesmerized as he drew nearer. Something was happening here that she didn't quite understand. She was supposed to be pissed at him. He had disobeyed a direct order. He had acted on his own. He had jeopardised them all. And he had broken the trust that had been built between them.
But she knew, even from the beginning, from the moment she found out where he had gone that she wouldn't be able to stay angry at him for long, not when she was overwhelmed with sheer relief at his safe return. She had been more worried than angry, and in truth, now that he was back standing before her, punishing himself more that she ever could, she felt more relieved than betrayed.
"Trust me," he said, his words spoken on a breath that brushed across his cheek.
Max couldn't help it; she closed her eyes to the sensation, wanting to fight both him and her own reactions to him. "Trust me," she felt and heard him say again, knowing that his pleas would be her undoing.
Those two words.. seemingly simple... asked a whole lot more than mere forgiveness for his latest transgression. She bit her lip. She knew he was seeking her permission.. Permission to explore something new to both of them... He had always been the bolder one of the two.
"I want to," she whispered, as she felt the heat radiating from the proximity of his body. She felt as if she was going to explode with anticipation. She hissed and drew a deep shuddering breath as his hand reached forward to cup her cheek, his thumb lightly caressing the skin below her ear. Goosebumps rose quickly on her skin and she leant into his touch.
"Then let go," she heard him whisper softly, his words teasing and exciting her. With her eyes still closed she sensed his face mere millimetres from her own. She heard her heartbeat resonating inside of her and her body tensed with her need for him. She should stop this, but before she could allow herself to think of the reasons why she couldn't, why she wouldn't, she found herself drowning as he kissed her long and hard..and she felt as if she could forgive him for anything as long as he didn't stop.
He was like fire. He consumed her. Years of pent up frustration over this amazing girl, unleashed themselves upon him and he was helpless. He pushed her gently towards the nearest wall, anchoring her there with his body as he kissed and nipped and suckled every inch of her that lay bare. He couldn't get enough of her taste, her smell... he couldn't get enough of just her. No one had ever affected him as much as Max did. He kissed and fondled and moaned when she kissed him back. He wanted her so badly, not just for now, but possibly for ever...
"I can't," she heard herself say suddenly as she moved quickly to her left, leaving Alec alone with an empty space before him. She heard a moan of disappointment escape from his lips as she put some more distance between them.
"I can't let my personal feelings get in the way of my command," she said out loud, more to herself than to him. Her brain was trying hard to justify her actions, but her heart, which was beating wildly in her chest, ached at the loss.
"Max." Alec drawled as he turned to face her, not really knowing what to say to her next. He had tipped his hand. He had let her know just how he felt, or so he thought.
"I can't let my personal feelings get in the way, Alec. You're a soldier, and I'm your leader and you disobeyed me. I can't trust you just now. You betrayed me. In time, when that trust has returned.. then..maybe. But for now, I can't trust you," she said sadly, but resigned.
Alec sighed. He had thought that now..maybe.. was the right time and yet a small apart of hi wasn't surprised that she had pulled away. It was clear that she didn't understand him fully.
"You know," he said, casually as he brought his hand up to rub his face. "The reason why I'm sure I couldn't make a go of it with Mary, don't you?" he asked looking Max directly in the eye.
She shook her head.
"I couldn't bring myself to love her, because I'm in love with someone else," he told her.
Max stared at him, not surprised, but overwhelmed despite herself.
"I do love you Alec," she sighed, her eyes now filling with tears. "But I'm leader here, leading a motley bunch," she choked. "And I can't let my personal feelings get in the way."
TBC
Author's Note:
If you are still reading, or have just read this chapter for the first time I would love for you to drop me a line. It would give me such a lift. Just say "Hi. Read your stuff." That's all I need to make my day.
Til next time
Rhasa aka Sarah