Chapter Four: Forgiveness

"Remind me to thank Mission for buying these," Revan said as she finished her second snack cake. "Then remind me to punch her when my robes no longer fit."

Carth snorted. "I'll be sure to." He took another drink of his tea.

Revan reached for her third snack cake and began picking the icing off the top, licking it off her fingers. She sat cross-legged on a chair, sitting at the common room table, Carth sitting next to her. "You can have one, too, ya know," Revan said, pointing to the tray of desserts.

"Nah," he said. "I don't need Mission mad at me, too, when they're all gone."

Revan grinned. "You're the one that pulled them out of the cupboard, so you're just as guilty. You might as well have one."

Carth shook his head. "So you feeling better?"

Revan nodded. "Thank you. Really. I, I didn't thank you before. I, I meant to."

"I know." He reached over and brushed a lock of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "I've never seen you with your hair down."

Revan smiled. "That's because I was too hungry to braid it."

"Too hungry?"

Revan grinned and licked more icing off her fingers.

Carth chuckled.

"So where is everyone?" Revan asked. "It's like a tomb in here. Even the gizka are quiet."

Did she have to use the word 'tomb'? Carth shook his head. Out of all the planets they had visited on this journey, Korriban would be the one that stuck with him for several reasons. Her adjective to describe the silence of the Hawk sent a brief chill down his spine. He closed his eyes and tried hard to forget the memories of that horrible, cold, Sith planet.

"Carth?" Revan asked.

"Huh?—Oh, they're probably all sleeping, Beautiful," Carth said. "Canderous volunteered to be on cockpit duty, so he's in there, and the only other one who's probably awake right now."

"Is it really that late?" Revan asked.

Carth shrugged. "Not really. You did sleep a good majority of the afternoon and early evening away, so probably why it doesn't seem that late."

"Oh." Revan grew quiet. "It, it didn't seem like I had."

"You were exhausted," Carth said. "The final test Uthar had to do drained you. Then you came back to an academy that turned on you, me, and Canderous. I, I haven't a clue how Canderous and I made it out of there alive, and we were fighting side by side, covering each other the entire time. They just kept coming… And you… you were at a completely different location, fighting by yourself."

Revan barely remembered the battle. "I, I don't know, either."

"You came running into the main hall, looked at me and Canderous and asked if we were okay, then fainted," Carth said. "Canderous was closer; he managed to catch you before you smacked your head on the stone floor."

Revan blinked a few times. She stared at the table and looked deep in thought. "I… I remember that," she whispered. She looked at Carth, uncertain. "You, you sure it was Canderous?"

Carth nodded. "Yeah. He carried you back to the Hawk."

"I remember… pieces," Revan said. "Like… like a Force imprint. Just… feelings and sounds…" Her head suddenly snapped to the side, her bright eyes looking right at Carth. "I, I thought it was you."

Carth shook his head.

"I kept hearing this voice," Revan said, "telling me that I was going to be okay, to hold on. I, I swore it was you."

Sadly, Carth shook his head again.

Revan looked totally baffled. "I kept trying to call to you," she said. She went back to staring at the table. "I kept trying… I remember being at the academy, then back here. I, I remember hearing Mission say something, then you… You were holding my hand…"

Carth nodded. Revan wasn't looking at him, so he said, "Mission sat with you after we got back. She was there for almost an hour."

Then Revan turned to him and asked a question that stabbed painfully at his heart.

"Where were you?"

Carth sighed at looked down at the table. She deserved the truth. She deserved more than that; she deserved someone who trusted her and would without hesitating tell her the truth.

"Revan, the truth is…" He paused and took a deep breath. Mindlessly he traced the rim of his cup with his long, thick index finger while he collected his thoughts. "I was still mad at you while we were on Korriban. That… That's why we didn't talk much, even after we found Dustil and you convinced him to change his ways. I'll, I'll never be able to thank you enough for what you did, and I hate myself for continuing to ignore you afterwards."

Carth closed his eyes again, then whispered forcefully, "The reason… The reason Canderous caught you wasn't because he was closer. I, I was still too upset at you. I saw you come into the main hall and my first thought was, 'Figures she'd be alive; she's a Sith Lord.'" It pained him so much to admit that. But he forced himself to keep going.

"When you collapsed… I, I watched Canderous hold you. I watched him assure you that he had you, that everything was going to be okay. I just kept thinking that it should've be me holding you, not him. When we got back to the Hawk, he carried you to your room so you could rest while I got the engines started. Then… Then I just hid in the cockpit. I couldn't… couldn't face you, couldn't face him. I was so angry at myself and so jealous…"

Revan was still silent. She was so silent it scared him. He still couldn't look at her; there was more he had to tell her. "I went to the kitchen to get something to eat and Jolee was waiting for me. He yelled at me for being an idiot. He, he told me everything that I already felt, already knew was the truth, and it pissed me off even more." Carth sighed. "Then, then Mission came in and said you were awake and were asking for me. You, you know the rest after that."

Carth closed his eyes and hung his head. He remembered the conversation they had once he arrived at her side. She wasn't thinking he was lying to her then, was she? After everything he just told her… "Everything I said to you was the truth, Revan," he said. "I really, really do care about you. I really do believe I could love you if you give me the chance. The fact that I had been so cold to you and you still wanted me to give you comfort, to hold you… that made me feel even worse that I already felt. I couldn't, couldn't believe I was that cruel to you when I care about you so much. I had to tell you right then how I felt about you. I'm sorry."

Silence filled the common room. Only the soft hum of the engines could be heard.

"Carth?" Revan finally asked, her voice hushed.

He didn't say anything.

"Carth, look at me, please?"

It wasn't an order or a request. It was merely a simple question. And Carth couldn't bring himself to look at her. He was convinced she'd never speak to him again, that he'd just ruined whatever chance he might have with her.

He felt her hand cup the side of his face, turning his head to the side. He didn't protest, and when she stopped, he opened his eyes.

Revan kissed him.

It took Carth completely by surprise. But he didn't pull back and break it. Instead, he took her face in his hands and kissed her back. She was so soft… He could taste the snack cake frosting she had eaten and the tea she had drank. Revan wrapped her arms around his neck. All the pain Carth felt, all the self-pity and self-hatred for his actions, and the need to somehow make it up to her were poured into his kiss. Revan responded, but ever-so-hesitantly. Carth wasn't sure why; maybe he'd come across too desperate? He tried to pull back.

Revan instead broke the kiss, wrapped her arms tighter around his neck, and buried her face into the crook of his neck. "Thank you for telling me the truth," she whispered. "About everything."

Carth held her tight. He rested his head against the side of her. The smell of her Dantoonie shampoo drifted upward. He drank it in, as if it was his one and only opportunity to hold her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he whispered.

"I'm glad you didn't," she answered. "I, I don't think I would have been able to handle it."

He had to ask. "And now?"

Revan sat up slightly and rested her forehead against Carth's, looking into his eyes. She kept one arm around his neck, and with her other cupped the side of his face and stroked the hair near his temple and ear with her fingertips. "Now, I can," she smiled. "You trusted me with the truth. You have no idea how happy I am with that."

"But what I said—"

"Nothing's changed, Carth," Revan said. "Nothing's changed."

"But what I did—"

"You apologized."

Carth's brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

"You've said before that you're a proud man and you don't admit your mistakes easily," Revan smiled. "Combine that with the fact you trusted me? How could I possibly be upset?"

"So you're letting me go that easily?"

Revan raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was letting you go that easily?"

"Last time you asked me to work for forgiveness you asked for a kiss," Carth pointed out. "And I just did that."

Revan smiled. "I kissed you first, so it doesn't count."

Carth chuckled. "Never met a woman quite like you before."

"And you won't, either."

Carth smiled and shook his head. His tone turned serious again. "I really am sorry, Beautiful."

Revan could see the pain in his eyes. She could also feel it through the Force. She could sense how much Carth had been beating himself up over this. "I know you are," she said. "And I forgive you."

Carth kissed her.

It was late into the night and Revan couldn't sleep. She just looked upwards into the darkness, thinking. After they finished their drinks, Carth suggested they both get some sleep. They started to part ways when Revan spoke up as asked him to stay with her. She truly was afraid of having another Force vision or Darth Revan memory, and if she did, she wanted him there. Carth nodded in agreement. He told her he'd help in anyway he could, and he made her promise again to speak with Jolee in the morning. She agreed.

Together they lay in her bed in the darkness. Only Carth slept. The room was so quiet she could hear him breathing. He lay on his left side, his right arm lazily draped across her waist. Revan lay close, pillowing her head half on the pillow, half on his arm. Ever so gently she touched the side of his face, feeling the stubble beard on her fingertips. She traced his jaw line, his hair brushing against her fingers. He felt so calm, so peaceful. Revan felt a few rough patches of skin under his beard and wondered if the hair hid battle scars.

Her actions as the Dark Lord of the Sith had turned this man's life upside down, tearing apart his family, and leaving him wounded. He loved his wife so much, and Revan took her away from him. Maybe it was Malak's order to destroy Telos, but it didn't matter. Malak would never have done that if it hadn't been for Darth Revan… if it hadn't been for her.

How many other families had she destroyed? How many other of those Sith students at the academy were displaced by bombings, kidnapped by the Sith, and were children of still-loyal Republic officers?

It made her sick just to think about it.

Revan withdrew her hand and cuddled closer. "I'm sorry, Carth," she whispered. Revan didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve anyone, really. But she needed him. She didn't realize just how much until now. During the mission, whenever something would happen—good or bad—she always turned around and looked at him, like she was trying to judge whether she'd done the right thing. And ever since Korriban, she'd wanted nothing more than for him to be there. She didn't feel safe unless he was around. And now he was lying next to her, holding her in case another vision came or memory surfaced.

Carth mumbled something in his sleep. Revan was at an awkward angle, so rolled onto her side and gently kissed his cheek. She lay back down and rolled over so her back was pressed against his chest. In his sleep, Carth responded, holding her even closer. Revan settled in his hold and tried hard not to think of those two dreams she had earlier. Carth was right; she was different now. She'd never do those things again.

But Carth also warned that he felt she was going to be tested. Were those dreams it? Did she pass? Or was the test still to come?

No, she wasn't going to think about it. She closed her eyes and thought back to Dantooine, when everything was peaceful, when they were all on downtime while she trained. She thought of Dantooine nights, sitting outside in the Jedi courtyard and silently giggling to herself as Carth and Canderous argued over which twinkling light in the sky was which planet. She thought of Mission and Zaalbar running around on the grassy planes, Mission so excited that Dantooine consisted of grass and trees instead of steel beams and rusty walls. Those were the good times… before everything fell to pieces…

Revan eventually fell into a deep, dreamless and visionless sleep.