Today 'They' Won the Battle

By Rhasa

Part 19

Max didn't care who saw her cry. She didn't care if the tears rolling down her cheeks were considered a sign of weakness by those before her. Despite originally telling herself that his life should be celebrated, today was a day for grief, a chance to openly reflect on loss, an acknowledgement of despair; she was damned if she would take Logan's advice and try and stay strong in front of the troops for appearances sake. What did Logan know about loss – real loss – anyway?

It was a beautiful day. Something she soon learned that people commented on on the awkward occasion of saying goodbye to a friend or a loved one. She stood proudly before the large gathering. At the beginning of the service, she had thought that nearly all of Terminal City's inhabitants had turned out to pay their respects. As she paused half way through, allowing each of the mourners a minute of silence to pray or remember, she glanced around at the solemn faces, and realised that not one of Terminal City's inhabitants was absent from the crowd – even those that had been admitted to the infirmary were there supported by Kyra and other medical personnel. Their presence made her heavy heart swell with pride.

She wasn't sure exactly what words she had spoken. She hadn't prepared anything in advance – it would have proven too painful to do so – she doubted she would have been able to go through with the euology if she had been forced to ponder his life, or at least, the relatively short time she had known him. She knew she said nothing of his life at Manticore, instead concentrating on who he had become in his new life, his free life. There was no mention of duty or honour or valour or courage, but instead of family, commitment, love, humour and most of all freedom.

At the end, she wondered if she had done him proud – if she had truly honoured him. As the mourners passed by her, muttering words of feint praise and gratitude for her efforts, Logan caught her eye and saw the self doubt that lingered there.

"Don't doubt yourself, Max," he told her. "I've been to enough of these things to know that days like this are not really for those who have departed but for those who have been left behind. They," he said indicating the crowd, "Are satisfied."

Max felt a stab of pain right in her heart. And before she could scream at him at how wrong he was, how cold he seemed, she turned on her heel and fled.

He found her about an hour later, alone, in the setting sun, in her usual spot on the highest rooftop in Terminal City. He had wanted to go after her after the service had finished, but seeing how upset she was felt best to leave her alone for a while. She seemed to prefer that lately. Being alone. Away from him.

Turth be told, at first, he was a little resentful. He had thought that things would have been different on his return to Terminal City. He thought it would have been different when she had recovered from her injuries; that once she was truly on the road to healing they would have an opportunity to talk; to work things through – but still, she kept her distance. After that, he justified the way she seemed to avoid him, by putting it down to the grief she was feeling. It was only natural – she had lost someone she had loved. She was taking it hard and he suspected that she would never really get over it. He had hoped that she would turn to him in her grief, that they could mourn together. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and comfort her, to tell her everything was going to be all right, but she worked hard at never allowing herself to be alone with him and so all chances were lost.

His heart ached when he saw her on the rooftop. He felt a pang of guilt for the way he had been acting lately. She had been crying again no doubt from the words she had exchange with Logan right after the service and he wondered whether she needed even more time yet. But he was done with giving her space. He knew a thing or two about grief and he knew that there came a point in time when it was no longer healthy to keep it to yourself, that it was best to share the pain so as to start the healing. This time he wouldn't back down, step aside or give her space; this time she'd have to talk to him – whether she thought she was ready to or not.

"It was a nice service," he said softly as he approached.

Max cringed slightly at his words. She was both glad and worried that Alec had found her. She knew she couldn't run from him forever, but she wasn't sure if she was strong enough yet to handle being alone with him. She didn't know if she could trust herself enough from revealing what she truly felt.

"Quite a crowd," she added as he took up a position half a foot away from her. She couldn't help but notice him wince slightly when he sat down and wondered to herself just how much longer it would take for the injuries he sustained while in White's captivity to heal. "I guess Joshua really made an impression on all of them."

Alec let out a soft chuckle. "What was not to like? In some ways he was the most courageous and optimistic of us all," he said.

"He also took care of the anomolies. Most of the transhumans would be dead if it wasn't for him sneaking food to them in the basement at Manticore. They respect the risks he took to in order for them to survive."

Alec, nodded in agreement. "Well, from the turn out today, a lot of people were grateful. Especially me."

Max said nothing for a while. She knew how Alec felt. Joshua had died protecting Jed. Nothing could make up for that. In the nights before, when she was alone, Max would lament the futility of it all. Was their fight for freedom worth it? Was it worth the price of Joshua's life? But then she came to the realisation that while Joshua had sacrificed himself it was for something he believed in that was secondary to freedom.

"He didn't deserve such a death; him moreso than others. He wasn't a soldier," Max said softly.

"He died like one," Alec whispered. "He died with courage. He never stopped fighting."

"But he didn't die for Manticore," she said adamently. "He died for his family. Family meant everything to him. Jed. Isaac. You. Me. He died protecting that. For some of us, family means more than freedom."

"No, Max," Alec turned to look at her directly. "For some of us, family 'is' freedom."

Max's eyes locked directly with his. She couldn't escape the sadness that she found there. She knew that keeping her distance from him had hurt him. She had also heard from Mole that Alec had taken Joshua's death hard. The news of Joshua's death was broken to him while he was in the infirmary. The combination of grief, horrendous injuries and post-traumatic shock so great that Kyra had had to keep him sedated for three whole days. Max has spent those first three days by his side, while Logan looked on, silently begging him to come back to her, but immediately feeling something akin to guilt for doing so. Afterall, she had more or less promised herself to another man.

"It hurts too much, Alec," she whispered.

"I know," he acknowledged, while longing to put his arm around her to ease some of the pain. He had shed his own private tears over the lovable dogman, and if he was honest with himself, he knew that he wasn't done shedding a few more yet.

"No. You don't know," she told him.

She had more than once wondered if she should tell him about the deal she had made with Logan. She had tried to delay the inevitable as much as she could. Joshua's memorial service was supposed to be the last thing she would need to do before they prepared to leave Terminal City and return to Canada; and it was obvious that Logan was growing impatient. Why it had only been a few hours before the service since Logan had asked how 'preparations' as he euphemistically called their impending depature, were coming along. Would it hurt Alec less if he knew the real reason why she had been pushing him away? Maybe a half-truth was better than no truth at all.

"It hurts too much to be around you," she told him. "I loved Joshua, more than anyone will ever be able to understand. But the pain I feel for him, I know will be ten times worse if anything ever happens to you."

Alec couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was just what he had hoped for – a chance to clear the air between them; a chance to pave the way to move forward. If Joshua's death had taught him anything it was if you care for someone – if you love someone, like Joshua loved Annie – you should at least tell them; chance it; risk laying it all on the line. Afterall life was just too short to let words go unsaid.

"I don't think I could stand if something else were to happen to you," Max added. "I don't think that I could even survive-"

Alec put his arm around her and drew her to his shoulder, relishing the warmth that quickly rose between their bodies. "Max, nothing will happen to me. I'm safe now-"

Max angrily pushed off him. "You can't say that! No one can make promises like that, Alec! Look at what you've just gone through. If Logan hadn't have found a way to kill the cultists, if Mole hadn't have shot Mary just in time as you were literally taking your last breath, you'd be dead Alec! Do you understand how close it was?" she cried. "White survived our attack. He's still out there, Alec. He could come again. He could get you again. I couldn't live through that. I don't want to."

Watching a tear slip down Max's cheek, Alec's heart broke. Her words were a balm to his raw soul. He used his thumb to sweetly swipe it away, and told her "You're scared, afraid. I understand exactly what that's like. After Rachel died, I never wanted to be close to anyone ever again. Like you said it hurt too much. And maybe it is safer, but shutting out those people in your life you care about the most to save yourself from the possibility of a little pain is no way to live. I know. I've been there."

"I can't do this," she whispered.

"You won't be alone, Max," he tried to reassure her, as he leant over to embrace her.

But she pushed herself away from him. "No. You don't understand. I really can't do this."

Alec stood before her, knowing that it was now or never. He had to make her understand, he had to be strong for both of them. "Max, I love you. And I want to say the right thing to reassure you but I'm not even sure of what that is. All I know is that family was so important to Joshua that he died for it. And family is important to me too, maybe not once upon a time, but definitely now, after all that we've been through. After surviving at the hands of White, and Jed and I being rescued. It's like a second chance. I want to build a family with you, Max. What I want to have between us, is worth the risk."

Max felt physically ill. Her head was swimming. How could this be happening? How could this man be standing before her speaking the words that she had secretly been longing to hear, not knowing that there was no way she could possibly give him what he wants? He had no way of knowing how much his declaration was tearing her apart. He loved her, and secretly that was all she wanted. On Alec's return after being rescued, she had thought many times about going to Logan and begging her way out of their deal. On one occasion she discussed it with him, but somehow he had convinced her that if she wasn't prepared to return with him to Canada for her own safety, she should consider the safety of those who were being left behind. It was better this way – for all concerned, he had told her.

Now as Alec was pouring his soul out to her she realised, maybe there was some truth in Logan's words.

Alec wouldn't never understand, of that she was sure. But what she did, she did for him nonetheless. "Maybe it's worth the risk to you, Alec," she told him. "But it's not worth the risk to me."

"Max, don't-" he began before she cut him off.

"I won't risk losing you by loving you," she said, as the tears fell in earnest and she walked away.

Yes, to be continued……..

Author's Note:

Okay, so if you're confused – good. You were supposed to think that it was Alec dead at the beginning of this chapter, but of course now you know he wasn't. I know Max comes off as being all confused about her reasons why she shouldn't let herself love/be with Alec – that was intentional. Also, I really didn't want to get bogged down in the details of Alec's rescue, because when I did write it , it was boring and it detracted from what I really wanted to write about. Just know that when Mary was in the room with Alec, the transgenics had begun releasing the neuro toxin provided by Logan (which is kind of why no one busted in on Mary – despite her working with the bad guys). The toxin actually did kill some cultists and familiars, but somehow White escaped. The neuro toxin did not have an affect on Mary and Mole ended up shooting her when he burst through the door during the rescue. Jed was saved and everyone returned to TC. Of course, Alec was out to all this.

As to Max's true feelings all will become clearer next time. So please review, it really makes my day and in nine times out of ten makes reviews make me write faster.