Disclaimer- I own nothing associated or affiliated with Twilight. These are the property of Stephenie Meyer and no copyright or offense is intended. You can't sue me for the inner-worst workings of my mind. Honest.

I was going to update this a lot sooner, however I'm currently in the process of moving apartments and it's new release time at work so I'm coming home completely bushed. It's so much easier to sit down and read Twilight for the millionth time rather than actually do something that involves mental stimulation and physical movement. Something I'm seriously lacking lately ;)

"Not Really" and "Not Really Means Yes" are terms my partner and I used a lot when we first started going out. We'd use it to avoid hurting each other's feelings rather than saying "Yes" outright to things. After awhile it became a running joke.

Choices

I raised my eyes to meet his and they pierced the very depths of my soul. He took my warm hands in his cold ones.

"We need to talk."

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I was sitting on my bed, playing with the music box Carlisle and Esme had given me for my birthday earlier that day. It was a dark redwood with gold trim and played Brahm's Lullaby when you opened it. Edward was sitting in the rocking chair, where Jasper had sat only that morning, watching me curiously as I opened and closed it. Night had fallen outside and I was tired. A quick glance at Edward confirmed that he was, as is usual for early in the evening, alert and restless.

I just wanted to collapse into unconsciousness.

"Edward," I sighed. "Maybe tonight isn't the best time to talk. I'm really tired and just want to sleep."

He smiled gently at me. "I know, that's fine. We've got tomorrow. And the next day. And the next."

I smiled back. I loved it when he said that. It made me think he really meant forever.

He crossed the floor gracefully and came to rest on the bed behind me, leaning back against the headboard. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. I shivered as I came to rest against his granite chest, more from the intensity of having him so close to me once again than the cold of his undead body. He pulled the blankets over me nonetheless. He started to hum and I felt my eyelids droop almost immediately. I was so tired. Tired from racing all over the countryside, tired from screaming at various peoples, tired from the entirety of my bizarre life. I heaved a sigh and felt his arms tighten protectively as he stopped humming briefly to whisper desperately,

"I'll make it better my love, I promise."

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I didn't wake alone, although I was half expecting too. Lately I'd been learning not to get my hopes up. But he was there, his musical voice resonating in my head before I was even fully conscious.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Not really."

I could practically see him smirking. "Not really means yes."

"Hmmmm..." I groaned and covered my face with my pillow. "Too early for trick questions!" He chuckled and I peeked out, eyes blurry with sleep. "Ask me something simple."

"Do you love me?"

"That's not simple, that's obvious."

"Same thing."

"No it's not."

"Is too."

"Gah, stop tormenting me."

"Look who's cranky this morning." He sniffed.

"I'm allowed to be cranky. It's my birthday."

"No it's not. Your birthday was yesterday. You can't have your birthday everyday and since when do you even like your birthday?"

I sat up and rubbed at my face, stifling a yawn. "Since my lover left me alone on my birthday and is now going to make up for it."

His eyes widened. "Bella..."

"Relax Edward, I don't want you to bite me." I rolled my eyes and climbed out of bed, heading to the door, pecking him softly on the lips on the way. "I am going to have a shower and you are going to put those culinary skills you've been practicing to use and make me breakfast."

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When I got downstairs Edward was in the kitchen cooking. And Charlie was seated at the kitchen table reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee.

"Dad! What are you doing here?"

"Morning Bells! " He reached over to ruffle my hair as I sat down across from him. "Happy Birthday for yesterday, I'm sorry I wasn't here. I was hoping to go in to work late and spend some time with you this morning but it looks like I'm needed at the station. Still, lucky I was here to let Edward in or he'd still be waiting in the rain!" Charlie laughed while I tried to hide my grin. So that explained why Charlie hadn't had a fit when Edward came downstairs.

"Did you get your present?"

"Yeah, thanks a lot dad."

I grinned at him. Edward had his back to us still cooking, so I continued my conversation with Charlie.

"They're working you pretty hard lately, dad."

"You're not wrong," he sighed and his brow creased suddenly. I glanced at Edward who's back stiffened and he turned around, a frypan with eggs in his hand. I had to resist the urge to picture him in a flowered apron. Thank god he couldn't read my mind. He seemed to be reading Charlie's though...

"Something wrong in town, Charlie?"

"Huh?" Charlie looked up at Edward, panicked. "No, no, no. Just a few stores been held up, that's all."

"Was anyone hurt?" Edward's eyes had darkened just the slightest shade and I wondered what this was about.

"No. Not in town."

"Not in this town."

Charlie sighed and ran his hand across his face before replying. "There were a couple of similar robberies in Port Angeles last month. A clerk was shot."

I gasped and Edward spun to face me, his teeth clenched. "You're not working at the Newton's until they're caught."

"The hell I'm not!"

"Bella don't be stubborn. I'm not having you working there while some maniac is running around Forks holding up stores! You could be hurt!"

"I'm not going to get hurt!"

"I don't care! You're not working there!"

"You're not the boss of me!"

"ENOUGH!"

Charlie was on his feet, looking between the two of us, a bewildered expression on his face. "Bella, I don't want you working there either," I opened my mouth to protest but he held up his hand, "-but, I understand you need that job for college so we've stepped up patrols around town and the Newton's store especially. Edward, I think you'll find there are currently more officers dropping in and out of that store on my request than at the actual station itself." Edwards lips were a thin, pale line and his eyes were murderous. This was going to be fun when Charlie left.

"And I think I need to be off now, have fun today kids!" Charlie practically ran out the door.

Great.

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"So where were you yesterday?

We were sitting on the steps of Charlie's back porch, Edward and I, just as Jake and I had been the day before. Every now and then Edward's nose would twitch in displeasure and I found myself trying not to giggle.

"Just walking."

"Where?" I had to know what he'd been doing all day. What with deserting me and all.

"In the woods."

"Did you go to the meadow?"

"Yes." He squeezed my hand and smiled at me, that crooked grin I loved so much.

"Will you take me again someday?" I never went by myself anymore, not since he came back. It felt rather intrusive. I thought maybe he liked having somewhere to go to be alone, sometimes.

"Maybe..." He was frowning again, staring off into the distance. Suddenly he was on his feet, quicker than I could see, and pacing the yard. It was raining slightly but he didn't seem to mind.

"Are you really not mad at me?"

"No Edward, I'm not mad at you." He looked incredulous so I elaborated. "I understand why you did what you did. Or rather, didn't do. Maybe I'd have done the same, but I don't know, I'm not you. I can't possibly comprehend what this is like for you. Or you for me."

"What do you mean?" He looked confused now.

"Do you know what it's like for me?"

"You mean being human?"

"Partly. Being human and being with you. "

He shook his head at me. "Sometimes I really wish I could read you mind."

"Then shush and let me finish."

He nodded and came to rest at my feet, resting his chin on my knee, gazing up at me with contemplative eyes. I looked away, it was too easy to get lost in those eyes. And if I got lost then I'd never get out what I wanted to say.

"I love you Edward. But you're dead. And I'm alive, for the moment. At least, I think I am. This isn't making any sense!" I laughed dryly and tried to pull my muddled thoughts together.

"Ok, how about I put it this way- This morning when you told me I couldn't work at the Newton's in case I got hurt, fair enough, I can live with that. But where do you stop? I could die getting hit by a car, or falling over and cracking my head open or-"

"-Or crashing into a tree at a million miles an hour on that damn motorcycle?" He was glaring at the shed now.

"Exactly. But what would you do? Hold my hand every time I need to cross the road? Take my bike away from me? That especially would make me sad. Riding my bike makes me happy, makes me feel alive. Just like that time I jumped off the cliff," I hated to bring that up but it was important to my cause and I rushed ahead, ignoring the way his eyes clouded over. " It made me feel alive. You see, a certain someone has exposed me to certain things I never would have been exposed to. Dangerous and exciting things and now I just can't go back to leading a boring and safe life. It wouldn't be living at all. However, if that certain someone who brought all this about in the first place were to do something to make sure I never die doing these things then problem solved."

"Wanting to dive off cliffs and not die is not a reason to become a vampire!" I cringed as he exploded, he never used the 'V' word. I placed my finger against his cool lips and stroked his hair to calm him down while I continued.

" I never said it was. As far as I'm concerned, there is no better reason to die than for love, for us to be together."

"Bella..."

"But, that aside, would you have any objection if the person was no longer alive?"

"If you're saying what I think you're saying-"

"Oh shush! I'm not going to off myself you idiot!" I rolled my eyes. "This is what I meant before, about not being sure if I'm really alive. Edward, you're dead. Your family is dead. I spend more time in the company of the dead than the living. Since meeting you I've been exposed to more terrifying, otherworldly and beautiful things than I ever dreamed. Not all of it has been good, a lot of it has been downright nasty but the point is, do you really expect me to continue this human charade after what I've seen and experienced? I've been chased all over the country by psychotic vampires and their lovers! I've ridden motorcycles and dived off cliffs with werewolves! I've been targeted by demon child spawn in Italy for god sakes! I'll never be Boring Bella Who Falls All Over Herself from Phoenix again!"

"But that's what I love!" He was grasping my hands, penetrating my soul with his gaze. "I love the way you fall all over yourself, it's cute. Except when you hurt yourself. I love the blush that creeps across your cheeks, the rosy hue that comes out of nowhere..." I could see lust taking over his features, and then just as soon as it appeared, disappearing again beneath his cool facade. "I love how warm you are. And I love your heart beat. I couldn't bear to think of you without these things." He sighed and laid his head against my chest. Said heart was currently thumping unnaturally fast at his declarations but I forced myself not to be swayed. At least not until I had finished.

"That's all well and good Edward, but I think in your unchanging immortal years you're forgetting something. I'm not going to stay this way forever. I'm going to die one day, maybe later rather than sooner but that's the natural course of things where human lives are concerned. And what's going to happen then? You'll follow me? I'm sorry Edward, but no. I will not take you away from your family! I will not do that to them!"

I felt him cringe uncomfortably beneath against me but I ploughed on, nonetheless.

"And what about before that? I'm going to get old. I'm going to get weary and rundown. I could get ill, get a disease, get senile! I know you say that it doesn't bother you but it bothers me! It's not just the vanity, although watching myself age and wrinkle while you remain perfect and unchanging isn't high on my list of things to enjoy with you. Do you think I like not being able to do things with you? If we want to go somewhere it either takes forever or you have to carry me- I will not be carried into old age Edward Cullen! Because believe, me, it's going to get worse! And I don't want it to! It's hard enough already. I want to hide with you when the sun comes out, not spend the day pining away. I want to spend the nights with you, not being watched by you. I want to be able to keep up with you, run with you, play with you, joke around like Alice and Rosalie do with Emmett and Jasper! I want to be able to touch you without restraint. Run into your arms, hold you, kiss you."

I paused and took a deep breath. "I want you to make love to me, Edward."

I heard his sharp intake of breath and looked down into his gleaming topaz eyes.

Focus, Bella. "You can have my heartbeat, Edward. But it comes at the price of us ever being truly one."

He didn't reply. We sat like that for immeasurable hours, holding each other.

Only when the shadows started to lengthen did I realize that we'd been sitting like this for the entire day. Not that I minded. It was a vast improvement on the previous day.

Suddenly Edward was on his feet, gently pulling me up to meet him, his cool lips gently brushing across mine.

"Do you think you can handle sleeping alone tonight?" His eyes were troubled.

"I've done it before," I couldn't resist teasing. It worked, his eyes crinkled at the corners as he smirked.

"See it stays that way, then. At least until I come back." He kissed my forehead and turned to leave.

"Wait, where are you going?" I couldn't suppress my curiosity as to what was taking him away from me, albeit temporarily.

He paused before squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"I need to talk to Rosalie."

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