TTWTB

By Rhasa

Part 26

Disclaimer in part 1.

Alec squinted as he raised his face up towards the sky. There hadn't been too many days where there was pure sunshine in the winter months, but today was an exception; twenty-three days straight of drizzle and gray, and now this - this perfect day with its unseasonably clear sky and warm rays.

From the highest vantage point in Terminal City, he looked out over the world below. The late afternoon light played with the buildings and roads, casting long but crisp shadows across the ground. Alec must have sat up here hundreds of time before, but now for the first time, the view took his breath away. The colors of all that lay before him - the gray hues of the streets, the reds of the bricks, the cerulean blue of the sky, even the rain bowed painted graffiti - were unusually vibrant and clear. He spent long moments looking at all the detail of the city of Seattle, wondering why he had never really noticed much of what he was now looking at before.

If fate were kind it would allow him to forget that just a few hours earlier, he had said a final goodbye to his son – only then would he be free to enjoy this perfect day. As it was, although the warm rays kissed his skin, they did nothing to add color to his pale face or warm the coldness that had taken up residence inside of him; instead, they highlighted the dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes. His body felt incredibly heavy and weighted down as if some invisible giant hand was pushing down on his shoulders driving him into the ground, and despite having taken many heavy breathes over the last three days, he still had to remind himself to breathe every once in a while.

The sun was just beginning to set when Max joined him. He had wondered just how long it would take her to build up the courage to seek him out. He hadn't given her much thought prior to the service, but since he had sought solitude up high on the rooftops of TC, his thoughts had strayed from the dead to the living. He hadn't seen her since their reunion in the infirmary, although he had heard that Kyra was keeping her there under observation. He remembered how bad she had looked back then and now wondered why he hadn't worried more about her. Perhaps his grief from his son had robbed him of any other rational thoughts. Jed was dead. Max wasn't. She was sick. But she was tough. Max was invincible. A pang of guilt tugged at his conscience. Okay, so perhaps he should have gone to see her; but those hours after Jed's death were all a blur. Had he slept during that time? He couldn't remember. Despite their separation over the last two days, he was a little surprised that she had stood apart from him during the ceremony. Much to his dismay, it was not Max's but Mole's hand that rested on his back when he had started to sway during the moving scenes.

Now, as she approached him from behind, as he knew she eventually would, something inside of him made him wonder if she had come to apologize for her distance.

"It was a beautiful service," she said softly as she sat next to him.

Alec took her comment for what it was – a nice, polite, safe introduction to a difficult topic. Still looking out over the city before him, he swallowed hard against the lump that resided in his throat. "I don't want to make this kind of thing a habit," he told her. "First Joshua, now Jed."

Max blanched at his words. It wasn't as if she wasn't used to losing people. Her life on the run from Manticore had meant that she had had to say goodbye to friends more times than she could count. But that was different. Although she had grieved for those friends, it was nothing compared to the grief over the death of a loved one. There was always a chance, however slight it might have seemed at the time, that one day she could catch up with those friends again. Despite her loss, the knowledge that they were out there living their lives in the world, safe from any threat she may have been to them, was a comfort. But Jed and Joshua they were truly gone forever, the loss she felt would be permanent, because they were never coming back.

Alec sighed. "In a way I'm glad Joshua wasn't here for this."

Max nodded. "He loved Jed."

"Yeah, he did," Alec agreed.

Max felt her throat tighten as images of the lovable dog man taking care of Jed flashed across her mind. She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry again – at least not in front Alec who had already had his share of pain. She swallowed, took in a deep breath, and blew it out slowly as a way of getting herself under control.

Hearing her breath and sensing her emotions, Alec switched to a more practical topic. "Mole has offered to take care of Jed's ashes. He told me some of the things ordinaries do with them and that got me wondering about whether we should give some thought to a permanent cemetery in TC. Not for, you know, burying bodies, but maybe a place of where they could rest, where we could visit. You know a type of place of remembrance."

Max turned to him. "Do you believe in all that stuff?"

Alec shrugged. "I don't know," he said sadly, as he looked up in to her eyes. "I know that I'm finding it hard to believe…. Hard to believe that it's, you know, that it's all over. That he has gone. One minute he's there and the next he's not. At Manticore, we use to lose people, but not in the same way. They'd get pulled out of ranks and sent to Psy Ops or away missions or wherever. On a couple of missions some that were shot would be medi vac-ed out and sometimes we'd never see them again. And that was okay, because deep down we thought they had just been transferred to some other unit or whatever. But with Jed, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I guess it was the same with Joshua. To me, Joshua's just away somewhere. In my head he's been away for quite some time and that sooner or later he'll just rock up. But to think that he is no more …. Well, it kind of messes with your head you know?"

Max didn't have to say anything; instead, she conveyed with her eyes that she knew exactly what Alec was talking about.

He held her eyes for a long moment, noticing for the first time the dark circles and the paleness of her skin. Guilt washed over him again. Fighting an overwhelming urge to reach out and trace a finger down her cheek, he held her gaze, glad at least for that connection with her. Out of all the people he knew, he knew Max would be the one to truly understand how he was feeling - which was why he convinced himself that it was okay to reveal another confession. "I'm worried Max." he whispered.

Max's heart clenched. "What about?"

Any doubt he held about telling her his darkest fear, vanished with the softness of her words. He swallowed, and then looked down – almost as if he was ashamed. "The last time I lost someone extremely close, other than Joshua, was Rachel. Look what happened to me after that."

Max's heart broke at his words. He was possibly the strongest person she knew. To come through what he went through after Rachel's death was truly amazing. How could he doubt himself? She used a finger to slowly lift his chin up. "Rachel was different Alec. When you thought she had died in that explosion you never got the chance to say goodbye. With Jed, although it was only for a short time, at least you got to be with him."

Alec couldn't help it; his lip quivered.

"Did you say goodbye?" Max asked.

Alec nodded. "Yeah. I said goodbye. Although, not much of what I said meant much to him."

Max shook her head. "I disagree. He may have been too young to know what the words meant, but he knew he was not alone. He knew that he was with someone who loved and cared for him."

For a long moment, Alec stayed silent. He didn't know if he agreed with her about Jed understanding that he was loved and cared for. Did someone Jed's age really know those things? Since Jed's death, Alec had thought over and over again, that if he could go back, he would do things differently. He would be a better father to his son. He would give up some of his responsibilities in Terminal City and spend more time with him and he wouldn't send him away with Max. Even if he could turn back time, and even if Jed would still get sick and die, he would spend whatever time they had, together; him, Jed and Max. But would that make the pain any less or only more?

Alec blew out an unsteady breath. Life, death - suddenly it was all too much. Suddenly nothing made sense any more. Just what had Jed's life and death meant? Where was there to go from here? He tried to steady himself as a barrage of thoughts occurred to him. He didn't like the long silence that was stretching between them. He felt as if there was something Max wanted to say, but was holding back. Did she regret these last six months as he did? But despite wanting to change things in the past, Alec knew there was no way that was going to happen. And that left only the future - an uncertain future at that. How Alec was going to reconcile the past with the future, Alec just didn't know.

He turned his thoughts back to Mole's suggestion of a permanent memorial. "I know Jed was only with us for a short time, Max. But he was part of me. He was my son. I don't want to forget him. Do you think a … I don't know, some kind of remembrance place would be all right?"

Max smiled a soft, sad smile. "I think that would be nice."

Alec shot her a glare, and unable to control the anger that had been bubbling up inside him, he turned on her. "Would it? Or maybe it will remind us of … hell I don't know… I mean, what are we doing here, Max. Do we really want Terminal City to be our permanent home? Was that the idea?"

Max recoiled slightly. They weren't questions she hadn't asked herself a million times before, but Alec's timing threw her. For the last few months she had been living day by day, that's all she had been capable of. And with the recent news of her pregnancy, it was if she was living hour by hour. Permanent plans had never factored in to the equation – at least not yet.

The only response she could give him was the honest one. "When we started… I mean when "I" started all this I wasn't really thinking about temporary versus permanent, Alec. I was only thinking about today. Not the tomorrows or next week, next month and certainly not next year."

Alec stared straight a head, a look of determination swept over his face. "Guess it's time to set down some long term plans. I mean, we're coming to up eighteen months here in Terminal City. Since, Jed … well I've wondered … do we really want more babies been born in TC with an uncertain future ahead of them?"

The words 'more babies' and 'uncertain future' echoed in Max's head. She hadn't had a chance to tell him about her uncertain future – their child that was now growing inside of her - how could she so soon after Jed's death? She had entertained the thought that perhaps the news that he was going to be a father again would somehow diminish his grief, but she had quickly dismissed that. The thought of one child replacing the loss of another was just wrong. No one could replace Jed – his first son would always be special.

His words, and the conviction she heard in his voice when he said them, made her nervous. "What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is, is this enough, Max? Is this type of life we are all living enough anymore?"

"It may not be enough, Alec but it's all we have."

"No," he pinned her with a glare. "It's all some of us have."

Max didn't miss the accusation. "What? What do you mean?"

"You spent months in Canada. I imagine it was a far cry from this place. Would you have come back if it wasn't for Jed getting sick?"

Max's heart sank – this wasn't how she wanted it between them. "Alec, you know why I went…"

Alec shook his head. "No, I know why you said you went and I've spent the last few months trying to figure out the real reason because I've never accepted your excuse. I wondered … I wondered if it was just that you were tired…. tired of this life you had created for yourself….. Tired of this life you had created for all of us."

"No. I wasn't tired of this life… I mean I am tired of this life… and I do want more, but that's not why I left."

"I can't live like this anymore, Max. To be honest, it hurts too damn much. I know it may be selfish, but I don't think I'm prepared to lose any more. I lost my freedom, I lost my son, and I lost you. I've heard you talk about family and sticking together and standing up for ourselves, but at what cost? I know it wasn't much of a life, but frankly, it hurt less when I was on my own, right after Manticore burnt down. It hurt less because I didn't care. I don't think I can care anymore, Max, because quite frankly, I don't think I'll survive if I'm forced to care."

Max's stomach did an anxious flip. "What are you saying, Alec?"

"I'm saying, things have to change, Max. I'm saying things are going to change."

Max had no doubt that things would change, but not for the reasons, or in the way, Alec was describing. For the first time, Max feared that Alec would run; that he would leave Terminal City for good. There were times when they had first holed up in here that she wondered if he would pick up and leave – resume the selfish, loner life he had enjoyed right after he had left Manticore - but back then, that thought didn't disturb her as much as it did now.

Apparently, he had forgotten the words he had said to her right after Joshua had died - before she had left with Logan for Canada. She had believed him when he had told her that 'family meant freedom' and that family was important enough to risk everything. It was obvious that he hadn't thought things could have gotten much worse than they were back then. So many things had happened since then. Alec had lost so much more. A person can only take so much, she thought.

Max wanted desperately to reach out to him – to hold him in her arms, to both draw strength from him and give him comfort – but she knew that would only complicate things. She truly didn't know how he would take the news of her pregnancy – would it drive him away, or bring him back to her? The last thing she wanted was to cause him more pain. And yet he had a right to know. If he was going to choose to leave, he had a right to know everything before he makes that choice.

And while she struggled with making the decision of whether or not to tell him, she didn't him notice him staring at her, until his soft words broke through her thoughts.

"I still love you Max," he whispered sadly.

And there it was… everything that she needed to know and hear. She looked up into his hazel orbs and held his gaze. His anger and sadness hadn't left his eyes yet, but those emotions were gradually being replaced by something else.

"Alec, there's something I have to tell you."

All of a sudden, her nervousness and indecision vanished. He still loved her. She still loved him. She was having his baby, and though it was tough right now, it was all going to work out. Now was when she had to put it all on the line – only then could they both work out where to go from here.

She swallowed and began, "Alec-"

"Ah, Max?" Logan's call broke through from behind them.

TBC

Author's Note:

Damn Logan's timing. Be assured there will be a lot of Logan bashing ahead.

I never thought I would get this chapter out. Despite my ongoing health problems (the goal is to stay out of hospital for the rest of the year – fingers crossed) I've had this chapter on my hard drive for about 2 months but wasn't happy with it. Now I've rewritten it, I'm happier. Having been through a personal loss of my own this last year, I really understand all the different emotions Alec feels. I also understand Max's doubts over his reaction. I've written all the dialogue of the next chapter - I find it easier to start with that and just fill in the blanks – so I am hoping that the next chapter won't take so long to post.

Having said that I would really appreciate reviews – it does get my muse going. Reviews would honestly be the best Christmas present for me. Thanks to all those regular TTWTB readers who read and reviewed my latest one shot fics "Encounters" (if you're impatient for some M/A action you should read that one) and "Telling Him" (yeah I know that was totally sneaky and kind of gross but it was really fun to write). Also, I'll be posting another one shot fic in the next week. Look out for "Something's Gotta Give."

Til next time

Sarah