Chapter Thirty-Three: Alive

Revan awoke with the feeling someone was watching her. She opened her eyes and saw Carth sitting on the edge of her bed, holding her hand, watching her as she had slept. His feelings of love, joy, and pride hit her so hard she considered shutting herself off from the Force. She took a few seconds to recover, then just looked at him as she tried to figure out what was going on. Last thing she remembered was being on the bridge of the Star Forge. Now she was on the Ebon Hawk, and in her room, lying in her bed.

Canderous told me that, she thought, remembering she briefly woke up, then passed out again.

Revan stopped. Wait a minute… I'm not dead.

"Hey there, Gorgeous," Carth whispered with a smile, reaching over and gently brushing away a stray lock of hair out of her face.

"I'm alive," she whispered.

"Yes," he smiled. Revan could feel his relief.

"I'm alive," she said again.

Carth's brow wrinkled. "Yes…"

"I was supposed to die there."

"No," Carth said. "You thought you were going to, but no one said you were supposed to."

Revan paused. Something didn't feel right, and she wasn't sure what, other than the fact she was still alive. Her eyes wandered as she thought.

"Rev?" Carth asked.

Revan gasped. "The voice," she whispered, realizing the Star Forge wasn't calling to her. "It's… gone." Revan sat up and looked at Carth. "The Star Forge, it's… gone."

"Republic war ships," Carth said. "There's enough scrap metal in orbit to build another fleet."

"I didn't think… I didn't think it'd ever leave," she said.

Carth smiled sadly, then cupped her cheek. She felt his rough, callused thumb gently rub against her cold cheek. "It's over, Beautiful," he said. Revan could feel him trying to comfort her, not knowing if he was helping. "The Star Forge isn't going to hurt you anymore."

Just the memories of it, Revan thought.

"You beat it," Carth said. "I'm so proud of you." He was trying so hard. Revan smiled at him. She wasn't even sure if he was helping, but she loved him for trying. "I spoke with Admiral Dodonna," he continued. "The Admiral wants to have a celebration tomorrow on the planet. We're all getting the Cross of Glory for what we did. You, me, Jolee… everyone."

Revan said nothing.

Carth kept talking to break the silence. "We've landed on the planet," he told her. "Admiral Dodonna ordered us to rest until the celebration tomorrow. Everyone's gone outside to relax on the beach."

Revan still said nothing. She continued to think about the fact that the Star Forge wasn't talking to her. The overpowering temptation was gone. She thought she was supposed to die on the Star Forge, to end the reign of the Sith. And the longer the Star Forge called to her, tempted her, the more she thought that the only way to silence it was to die. But now… everything was different. Revan had survived. She hadn't planned on living past the Star Forge.

"I watched you battle Malak," Carth said. "You were wonderful."

Revan'ssmile disappeared. Malak, she thought. Oh Force… Malak. Revan hadn't prepared herself for the pain that would come with killing her childhood friend.

"I'm… I'm sorry," Carth quickly said. "I shouldn't've said—"

"It's okay," Revan whispered. He didn't mean to cause her pain, she knew that. He was trying so hard to help her. Revan felt tears forming, and tried to hold them back. "It's okay," she said again. She didn't need to sense his emotions to know he felt like he'd done something wrong. "Hold me," she whispered. Carth put an arm around her, and Revan slid closer to rest her head against his shoulder.

She could feel him searching for something to say. "You going to be all right?" he asked.

"I don't know," she whispered. Revan closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Carth's waist. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, before Revan said, "I didn't plan for this."

"Plan for what?" he asked.

Revan started to cry. "I thought I'd die there. Put an end to Darth Revan—"

"Don't talk like that," Carth said.

"Instead I killed him. I killed my best friend." She paused. "I didn't want to."

Carth frowned. "I don't know what to tell you, Beautiful."

"I should have died—"

"No," Carth said firmly. She felt his hold on her tighten. "There was no need for you to."

She looked up at him. Her bright eyes were red from crying. "Who's going to accept me?" she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"No one's going to believe that Revan was redeemed. You didn't, and you knew me." Tears streamed down her face. "Think about the people that don't know who I am now, the people that are out there in the galaxy who were hurt because of what I did. How many families did I tear apart? How many widows and widowers out there would like five minutes with me and a holo-whip?"

Carth brushed stray strands of hair away from her face. She could see the pain in his face. "First of all, no one but us and the Jedi Council knows the truth. No one knows you used to be Darth Revan. In fact, no one even knows what Darth Revan was except a Sith. There're so many rumors floating around about what Darth Revan was. Some thought you were a man, some thought you were a creature from the Outer Rim… That costume you wore did a good job of both terrifying and confusing people. Even if Holonet news catches wind that Revan's back and a good guy, don't worry about it. You don't have to answer to the galaxy—"

"Yes, I do," she said. She pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. "Carth, don't you get it? I ruled the galaxy. I controlled the Sith fleets. I brought terror to the universe, and I have to answer—"

"Don't you think you already did?"

Revan paused. "What do you mean?"

Carth sighed. "Beautiful, please forgive me. But your mind was damaged when Malak fired on your ship. Instead of letting you die, Bastila saved you. She brought you back to the Jedi Council, who instead of healing you and having you stand trial for your crimes like every other criminal of the Republic, erased the person you were and programmed you with a new identity. They took everything away from you, good and bad, gave you new memories of being a smuggler-for-hire, plopped you on my ship with the back-story that you were on an assignment for the Jedi Council, hoping that somehow your subconscious mind would lead them right to Malak." He cupped her face. "And you discovered the truth under the worst of circumstances, and have been haunted by memories of your true past ever since. Up until last month, the life you knew was a complete and total fabrication. Everything you told me about. Your first pet, your first time flying a ship, your first kiss… Everything was planted by the Jedi Council."

All the blood in Revan's body drained to her feet. All she could think was how right he was.

"What they did to you," Carth continued, shaking his head. "I'd never wish it on anyone, even the worst of criminals. It's, it's unthinkable. They used you like a tool to get what they want. And they had to have known Malak would recognize you. Think what would have happened if you didn't see Malak for the first time on the Leviathan, but when you faced him on the Star Forge. Or the Star Forge itself started calling to you. Dealing with the voice and the fact you were Darth Revan all at once? That would have been horrible."

Revan's heart sunk. "I… I wouldn't've been able to face Malak."

"You would have died," Carth said. "Bastila's battle meditation would have aided the Republic fleet, the Star Forge would have been destroyed, and you along with it."

Revan didn't know what to say. She knew Carth was right. There was nothing more to it. Carth was right. The Jedi Council used her like a tool. Not like a tool, she thought. They used her as a tool. It made her sick. Then again, it's what she—it's what Darth Revan deserved. Darth Revan took away so many innocent lives. It only made sense that hers should be taken away, too.

"Beautiful, I'm sorry," Carth said, wiping away her tears with his thumbs.

"Don't," she whispered. "I'd rather… I'd rather hear it from you than someone else. I just don't know why I didn't put it all together before. I knew they… they used me… Just…" Her voice trailed off as she shook her head.

"You just hadn't thought it all the way through?"

"Maybe because I didn't want to."

Carth wrapped an arm around her, and she fell back into him. He wrapped both arms around her and gave her a tight squeeze. "You wanted to put an end to Darth Revan. As far as I'm concerned, Darth Revan did die on the Star Forge. She's gone. She's never going to hurt anyone again."

I wish it was that easy, Revan thought. But again, Carth was right. She could have so easily switched sides. The Star Forge was the ultimate test for her, and she passed. She killed the Sith Lord in the name of the Jedi and the Republic. The reign of the Sith was gone. For now, at least, she thought, remembering one of Jolee's many lectures.

"Just think, though," he said. "From this point forward, nothing's been planned, nothing's been scripted for you to follow. This is where you stop chasing your past and finally get to live your life."

Carth cradled her until she calmed down. He kissed her forehead and told her everything was going to be all right. "I love you, flyboy," she whispered. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, but for what?" he asked.

"For everything."

"I don't know about everything," he said. "I made you a promise I couldn't keep."

Revan frowned and felt slightly panicked. She sensed sorrow and failure in him. "What do you mean?"

Carth gave her a squeeze. "I promised you I'd protect you, and that I'd be there with you when you faced Malak. And… I failed."

"Oh, Carth," Revan said, pulling away slightly. "You didn't fail me. Don't ever think that." She still sensed sorrow and failure from him. "Oh, Carth. Please don't think you did."

"I… I said I'd—"

"You were there with me every step of the way," she said. "You followed me farther and longer than anyone else." Revan bit her lip. "I honestly had my doubts about you following me on the Star Forge," she added. "I didn't think you'd last against the Dark Jedi. That's why I wanted you to stay on the Ebon Hawk. And when you got hit and went down… I didn't want to lose you, flyboy."

"Beautiful, you taught me to love and trust again," he said, resting his hands on her hips. "You're gonna have a hard time getting rid of me now."

Revan smiled. "It's a good thing I tolerate you, then."

"Well, my father always said the key to a successful relationship isn't love, it's mutual tolerance."

"Smart man."

"Tell me about it." They sat there in silence for a few moments before Carth asked. "You gonna be okay?"

"Until my next breakdown," she said. Revan shook her head. "You know, you're the only person who's ever seen me like this. Not even Malak."

"Who's seen you cry?" Carth asked. Revan nodded. "I should feel honored?"

"Not when you put it that way."

Carth smiled. "I'm glad you trust me enough to let your guard down like that."

Revan wasn't sure what to say in response. She felt love and pride emanating from Carth again. She smiled and brushed the stray locks of hair from his brow, then cupped his neck and kissed him. He instantly responded, pulling her close. As she kissed him, all she kept thinking was how she was suddenly happy she hadn't died. Carth was right, she thought again. She could finally stop chasing her past. From this point forward, Revan could do what she wanted, not what the Jedi Council wanted her to do.

The Jedi Council, she thought. Technically she was still a member of the order, even though her Jedi teachings hadn't fully come in handy during her journey. Oh, they had helped her stay on the light side, but so had her friends. And it was Canderous's lessons that led to Malak's death, not something the Jedi had taught her. And how in the world was she going to explain her relationship with Carth to the Jedi Council?

It's right to love this man, she thought. I don't care what the Jedi Code says. I love him.

"Everyone's outside, you said, right?" Revan whispered against Carth's lips.

"Yeah."

Revan smiled. "Good." She grabbed the lapels of Carth's jacket and pulled him down on top of her.