Chapter Thirty-Six: Broken

"Leave me alone!" Revan screamed. "Just… go away!"

The crew of the Ebon Hawk stood and watched as Revan ran up the ramp of the ship. Only Zaalbar spoke, letting out a soft whine as Revan left them.

Jolee had spent the last hour talking to Revan. No one was sure if Jolee had made any progress, least of all Jolee. He'd asked her what compelled her to end her life so drastically, and Revan hadn't said anything in return. Jolee tried to get her to talk, but Revan remained quiet. Carth held her tight the entire time, her forehead pressed up against his chin. He didn't say anything while Jolee was talking, but it was clear to everyone watching just how scared the Republic pilot was. He hadn't a clue what to say to her, if anything. Revan's action had caught him off guard, and all he had felt was helplessness. Just like now.

Carth clenched his fists as Revan ran up the Ebon Hawk's ramp. He wanted to yell at her, but he didn't know why or what to say. When Revan disappeared from sight, Carth closed his eyes. Why was Revan doing this to him? Everything they talked about last night… didn't any of that matter to her? Was it all for show?

Bastila was the first one to speak up. "I'll go keep an eye on her," she said, then headed up the ramp.

"No," Carth said. He opened his eyes and looked at the ramp. "No, I'll do it."

Bastila turned around. "Please forgive me for being so bold to you, Carth, but you and Canderous are the last two people she wishes to see right now."

The last person she wanted to see? The words stabbed at Carth's heart. What had he done to deserve that reaction from Revan?

Bastila looked at Canderous. "Especially you."

Canderous grew defensive. "What did I do?" When Bastila just stared, he nodded. "Oh, right. I saved her from leaping to her death."

Carth scowled. How could Canderous have that kind of attitude towards the situation? Didn't he understand just how serious this was? He looked up at Bastila. "I'm the one she's closest to. I should—"

"No," Bastila firmly said. "I can hear her thoughts, Carth. Please trust me. She's very vulnerable right now—"

"You can say that again," Canderous snorted. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Bastila paused, then continued. "The slightest word or emotion will set her off. It's best she be alone, and her wishes complied with."

Jolee placed a hand on Carth's shoulder. "Revan just needs time alone." He nodded at Bastila. "Keep an eye on her."

"I still don't get it," Carth muttered.

"I don't, either," Jolee sighed. "But it took a great deal of nerve for her to follow through on the decision. Now she—"

"It's a coward's death," Canderous said as Bastila entered the Hawk. "Revan is the greatest warrior this galaxy knows. She doesn't deserve—"

"I know that," Jolee said. "But it still took a great deal of courage—"

"'Courage'?" Carth protested. "You call that 'courage'?"

Jolee looked Carth in the eye. "I don't agree with what she tried to do, far from it. But I won't condone the fact that it took courage to follow through with it." When Carth said nothing, Jolee turned at looked at the Ebon Hawk. "Now she has to sit and sort through her emotions. And that takes even more courage."

Carth shook his head. "But why does she just want to throw everything away? Why would anyone? There's no reason to! She has—" me. Carth paused, then said, "She has all of us. We're here to support her. No one's judged her." Carth stopped. "All right, I did at first. But, but no one now is judging her. I don't—"

"You honestly have no idea why she wants to throw her life away?" Jolee asked.

"Should I?"

Jolee said one word, then everything made sense to Carth. "Telos."

Carth closed his eyes. He saw his home city burning, his wife propped up against a bench, blood pooling around her. He winced at the memory, then opened his eyes and looked at the Ebon Hawk. "That was different," he hoarsely whispered, pain in his voice.

"It's the same thing," Jolee said.

"She didn't lose—"

"She lost everything she knew after the Leviathan," Jolee explained. "Just like you when Telos became a graveyard."

Carth said nothing. The only thing that kept Carth alive after Telos was to seek revenge against Admiral Karath. Now that he was dead, the only thing that kept Carth going was Revan. And the way Revan clung to him, Carth thought he was her reason to live past the Star Forge. Apparently that wasn't the case.

Jolee patted Carth on the shoulder. "Come on," he said softly. "Bastila will keep an eye on her. The rest of us can go sit—"

Canderous interrupted. "So someone explain to me why Bastila's not chained up in some Jedi prison?" The drastic change in conversation had everyone looking at Canderous. "What?" he asked. "It's a valid question. And don't tell me the rest of you aren't thinkin' the same damn thing. Princess goes all dark side, and the Jedi let her mix and mingle with Republic brass."

Jolee looked at the Mandalorian. "This is a happy time for the Republic. They won't do anything to Bastila now. Once we get to Coruscant, things will be different."

"Typical Jedi," Canderous snorted. "They'll probably greet Princess with open arms, too."

Like we did, Carth thought. Like we did when we found out Liana was Revan.

"The Jedi are forgiving," Juhani spoke up. "If they could see the light within my heart—"

"Yeah, well, you weren't exactly Malak's bitch," Canderous pointed out.

Carth shook his head. Revan was right back on Taris when she described Canderous as a mercenary with a love for colorful metaphors.

"So when we blastin' off this backwater planet?" Canderous asked Carth, changing topics yet again.

"Before we left the party, Admiral Dodonna said she wants us to dock with her ship," Carth said. "She said we're her personal guests for the trip back to Coruscant. We leave when we're ready."

Canderous groaned.

"Well, I say the Admiral can wait," Jolee said. "Give Revan about an hour before we disrupt her surroundings."

Canderous grumbled. "Just what I want to do. Be a guest on a Republic ship."

"Be grateful if they don't assign a security detail to escort you around or accuse you of spying," Carth said.

"Wonderful." Canderous shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'll be over there guarding that rock if you need me," he said, nodding towards the rocks by the shore.

HK-47 cocked his head to the side. "Query: Do you require assistance, Mandalorian meatbag?"

"Sure," Canderous said as he walked. "Those rocks can be pretty hostile if they put their minds to it."

The assassination droid walked behind Canderous. "Clarification: Rocks are naturally-occurring inanimate assemblages of minerals that are normally classified by both mineral and chemical compositions. Rocks are not hostile creatures by nature, but can be used as a weapon if thrown at one's enemy. Conclusion: You are confused, Mandalorian meatbag."

"Hey, you're the one that offered to help guard 'em. And you might wanna lay off the whole 'Mandalorian meatbag' thing once we're on Admiral Dodo's ship."

"Query: How do you propose I address you instead?"

By then Canderous and HK-47 were out of earshot, and their conversation couldn't be heard. Carth snorted at HK's question. "I can think of a few names he can use."

"How about The Man Who Stopped Revan From Jumping?" Jolee asked. Carth said nothing. "Don't forget—"

"I won't, I won't," Carth said. "And he'll probably hold it over my head for the rest of my life." He shook his head. "Think I'll go guard that palm tree in case Canderous's rock attacks. Let me know when you're all ready to leave." He walked off towards the palm tree near the water's shore, leaving Jolee and the others behind.

Revan collapsed on her bed. She fell face-first on the pillow, then wrapped her arms around it like a stuffed toy. Tears fell down her face as she clutched the pillow tight. She tried to calm down, but Carth's lingering scent on her pillow only caused more pain. She took a few deep breaths, but it didn't help.

She was ready to jump. She was ready to end her life, to do away with Darth Revan once and for all. But Canderous stopped her. She was furious at him once she realized what was going on, but couldn't bring herself to do anything about it. She could have easily used the Force to release his hold on her, to push him aside and leap anyway. But she couldn't. Canderous's strength was no match for her skills with the Force, but instead she laid facedown on the stone floor, allowing Canderous to prevent her from ending her life. And she didn't know why.

No, she knew why. Death wasn't what she wanted. Darth Revan needed to die for all the pain and chaos she caused. Or at least she thought Darth Revan needed to die… But she herself didn't want to die. Or did she?

Revan was all confused. She wept harder.

All I do is cry, she thought. I'm tired of crying. I'm sick of this!

Revan rolled over on her side, still holding the pillow like a stuffed toy. 'Messed up' didn't even being to describe how she felt. What had happened back there in the temple? Why did she want to jump? Why did she want to die? Because of the opinion of some random solider she'd most likely never meet again?

Revan closed her eyes, sniffed, and smelled Carth's scent on her pillow again. Back in the temple, she felt his emotions run wild as he held her tight. But the one emotion that rose above the others was betrayal. Carth felt like she had stabbed him in the heart. She could feel him thinking about Telos, about Saul, about everything he had lost…

Liana looked around the cantina, trying to make sure no one was staring oddly at them, or eavesdropping. Satisfied no one was interested in a couple of grunts—nor would they be able to hear over the loud music—she turned to Carth. "Is this a good time to ask you more questions?"

"I'm all ears, Beautiful," he answered, sipping his drink.

Liana blinked. She wasn't sure if Carth was flirting with her or just trying to be friendly. She decided to press her luck, smiled, then laced her fingers together. She rested her elbows on the table, and propped her chin up on her fingers. "I like the sound of that."

Carth raised an eyebrow. "Which? The fact that I'm all ears, or the beautiful part?"

"The beautiful part," she said. "Though, I'm sure you say that to all the girls."

Carth shrugged. "Not really. Just a habit. You have something you'd rather I call you by?"

Liana pretended to think. "Well, I've always liked the name 'Gorgeous.' Has a nice ring to it."

"I might consider it," Carth chuckled. "But what are you going to call me in exchange?"

"Handsome thug?"

Carth slowly nodded. "I like the first part of that. I'm a bit more partial to 'The Most Handsome Pilot in the Galaxy.' What do you think?"

Liana groaned.

"Well, then, I guess 'Gorgeous' will have to do until then, won't it?" Carth winked. Liana rolled her eyes. "Kidding aside, I bet you're not about to give up on those questions of yours. Are they really necessary?"

Liana leaned back in her chair and sipped her drink. "Smuggler's Code: Learn everything there is to know about your partner unless there's a damn good reason not to."

"There's no such thing as a Smuggler's Code."

Her eyes twinkled. "How do you know that, Republic?"

Carth rolled his eyes. "I've been a Star Pilot with the Republic for years," he said. "I've seen more battles than half the fleet put together. That's all you need to know." Carth downed the rest of his Tarisian Ale, then flagged the waitress for a refill.

"We're stuck on Taris with no leads on Bastila," she said. "It's you and me against this planet. And seeing that you've already read my records and know everything about me, I'd like to know you better, too. Is that a crime?"

"On some planets, yes."

Liana sighed and blew air upwards, rustling loose strands of hair from her ponytail. "So I'm stuck on this backwater planet with an inebriated pilot with trust issues. Wonderful."

"I'm not drunk," Carth said, taking another glass of ale from the waitress. "This is my…" His voice trailed off.

"Fifth," Liana said. "This is your fifth glass." Carth tossed some credits at the waitress, who smiled, then walked away. "So much for not drinking on the job," she said, sipping her ale-free beverage. "Maybe now that you're liquored up, we can discuss these trust issues you have?"

Carth sighed. "I knew you wouldn't understand where I was coming from. Let me try to explain." He took another gulp of his ale. "You're probably one of the most skilled women I've ever met. You've saved my butt more than once, and I'm lucky you're here to help me, no question. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop watching you or being wary. I'm just not built that way. Period."

"Not built that way?" Liana asked. "That sounds like an excuse. Or the ale talking. If memory serves, I haven't done anything to deserve this attitude from you."

"You, uh... haven't done anything yet," he said. "But there's no guarantee that you won't do anything in the future. I've been betrayed before by people and I... Well, it won't happen again."

Liana's brow furrowed. She sat back in her chair. "So you want some guarantee that I won't betray you? That's what this is all about?" She picked up her glass and took a sip.

"I don't know that you'll betray me. But there are no guarantees... not for you, not for me. You don't have to take it personally."

"Don't have to take it personally?" Liana cried, her eyes wide. "Don't tell me not to take it personally, you hairless Wookiee!"

"'Hairless Wookiee'?" Carth blinked. "All right, sister, just... just... just calm down before your head explodes."

Liana was furious. "Don't mock me, you ungrateful monkey-lizard! I've got a vibroblade right where I can get at it!"

"Is that your idea of an insult?" Carth laughed. "Come on, sister, take your best shot."

Liana spat back the only thing she could think of. "Gamorrean pig-man!"

"Oh, ouch. I think you hurt my man-feelings with that one," Carth chuckled.

"Don't patronize me!" Liana snapped, slamming her drink down on the table. The liquid inside sloshed, some of it splashing down on the table. "I'm not the one with the trust issue here! Although I'm slowly starting to develop one."

Carth sighed. "Look, all I've been trying to say is that this isn't personal. If you were smart, you wouldn't trust anyone, either... not me, not Bastila, and especially not yourself."

"I don't need someone around who doesn't trust me! Whether we like it, we're in this together, pal!"

"And I don't need all these questions. What I do need is to try and save the galaxy, if that's even possible!"

"Typical, cliché, Republic answer," she grumbled.

"Why is whether I trust you or anyone so damned important to you? Why... why do you even care?" Carth gulped down the rest of his ale. Liana opened her mouth to spit a retort, but Carth cut her off. "We don't have time for this, so can we please just... drop it? For now? Can we pick it up later if you really must, I... I want to get underway."

"Now that you have five drinks in your system, the rest of this evening ought to be great," Liana muttered under her breath. She reached into her vest and tossed three credits on the table for a tip. "And don't think I'm nursin' any hangover you get from that stuff," she said, standing up and walking away from the table. "Stupid pilot."

The Ebon Hawk shook violently. Revan opened her eyes and sat up in bed.

"Good morning." Revan turned to her right and saw Bastila sitting on the bed across from her. "You've been asleep for the past hour," Bastila explained.

Revan rubbed her eyes. "I have?"

"You cried yourself to sleep," Bastila said. "Are you feeling better?"

"Where are we?" Revan asked, ignoring Bastila's question.

"We've just docked with Admiral Dodonna's ship. We're her guests on the trip to Coruscant."

Revan said nothing.

"I'll tell Carth you're awake."

Carth. Revan thought of the memory she dreamt about. How far they had come since then. She'd taught him how to trust again, then took it all away with one single action. Revan had betrayed him, just like everyone else. How was she supposed to live with herself now? "Don't tell him," Revan said. Bastila looked at her, confused. "I… I want to be alone." Revan pinched the bridge of her nose. Her eyes pooled with tears. "Just… leave me alone for a while," she whispered.

Bastila stood and nodded. "As you wish."

Most of Carth and Revan's dialogue in the flashback scene copyright 2003 LucasArts and Bioware.

Thank you to whomever it was that suggested I listen to "Broken" by Seether. That song was a huge help in getting over my writer's block and finishing up this chapter.