Chapter Thirty-Eight: Heal Over

Carth stood outside the elevator in the Star Forge's hangar, waiting for Revan to arrive. He knew she was coming; he could feel it. He needed to do this, to make one last attempt at getting through to her. If he couldn't find that part of her that still believed in the good side, the Light Side, then life wasn't worth living anymore.

The elevator doors opened. Carth saw her standing there, then watched her walk forward. The color had all but drained from her face. She was pale, her eyes dark and cold. He'd give anything to see Revan smile again. What had happened to the woman he loved so much?

No, that was still Liana. Somewhere lost inside that small, pale body and dark robes was the woman who showed him compassion and taught him how to love again. He didn't know what to say, how to start the conversation that needed to take place regardless of the outcome. He calmed himself, knowing she could sense easily emotions. Carth wanted her to know he was there to talk to her from his heart, not as some kind of Republic peacekeeping gambit.

Revan stopped a few feet away from Carth and gave him an icy stare. "So you killed Darth Malak," Carth said, not knowing what else to say to her. "Somehow I always knew you would."

Revan's eyes narrowed. "Somehow I'm not surprised you found a way here."

"The Republic Fleet picked me up from the planet," he said. "I told them of your betrayal… but I also told them I couldn't abandon you. I had to come. I said I'd find a way to save you from yourself, and I will."

"You should have stayed where you ran to."

Her tone was cold. Carth felt intimidated by her presence. He'd heard all the stories of Darth Revan's conquests, and being a solider himself, he'd always believed half of them were exaggerated, half of them were true. And knowing Liana for as along as he had, the way he had, he had begun to believe that there was no possible way she could ever have been that cruel to people. But now, standing in the presence of a Sith Lord—of Liana as a Sith Lord, he was beginning to think those stories weren't overstated.

"All you have to do is listen to me," he said, standing his ground as best he could. "That's all I ask."

Revan snorted. "And why should I listen to you?"

Because I love you, Carth thought. Because I want to help you. "Because—"

Carth saw Bastila approach. She looked even worse than Revan, if that was possible. Bastila's porcelain doll-like completion was gone, her face a deep grey, veins budging at the sides, and the faint mark of Sith tattoos beginning to form. "Carth," Bastila said. "I knew I sensed your presence. I should have known you would find a way to meddle in this one last time."

"Don't interfere, Bastila," Carth said. "This is between me and Revan."

Bastila's eyes narrowed. "You are a fool. Revan has already made her choice, and there is no turning back." She turned to Revan. "Don't listen to him, master! Let me strike him down! Seize your victory!"

Carth looked directly at Revan. He didn't say anything. With all his heart, he hoped she'd listen. Revan had to listen. He made a promise to her that he'd find a way to save her from herself. And this was the time to make good on that promise.

"Let him speak," Revan commanded. She looked at Carth. "I want to hear what he has to say."

Carth froze. Everything he wanted to say to her… How was he supposed to phrase it? How was he supposed to put into words how he felt? How was he going to save her? He was so determined to rescue her, to make her realize everything she'd done was wrong. But he couldn't find the words. And Revan was waiting…

Carth opened his eyes. His heart was beating rapidly inside his chest, and he was fairly sure his blood pressure was higher than the grass on the Dantooine plains. It took him a few seconds to remember where he was. He was on the Ebon Hawk, lying on the cold, metal floor outside Revan's quarters. He'd grabbed a pillow and blanket off his old bunk with every intention of laying there until Revan needed him…or he got tired of lying in the darkness. Whichever came first.

Carth rolled over on his side, bringing the blanket with him. It was wrapped tightly around him like a cocoon. The Ebon Hawk was shut down with the exception of minimal electricity. And that was it. Carth contemplated getting up and turning the heat on, but he was too lazy to move.

His thoughts lingered back to the dream he just had. He was on the Star Forge trying to save Darth Revan from herself. He wondered for a moment if Liana really had fallen back to her old ways if he would have pursued her like that, if he would have risked everything to track her down and make one final attempt at saving her from the Dark Side.

Well, I am lying here while the rest of the crew plays War Hero and sleeps in nice warm beds, he thought.

Somewhere in that sarcasm was his answer, though. After docking with the Admiral's ship, Carth had quickly greeted Admiral Dodonna and Master Vandar, apologizing for the delay. When Admiral Dodonna inquired about Jedi Suul, Bastila answered by saying she'd be along later. The quizzical look on Master Vandar's face didn't go unnoticed by Carth. The Jedi Master most likely sensed something from Bastila that things weren't on the level. Yet Bastila wasn't exactly lying.

Carth's shoulder started to go numb. He shifted positions and lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. It was dark in the hall, the dim light from the common area lighting some of the shadows. He mindlessly stared at the air vent, counting how many slots were on the grate…well, how many he could see. If he would get up and turn life support on, hot air could be coming out of that. Instead he looked at the screws holding the vent in place. There were four of them, along with the forty-eight visible slots. He then noticed a big shadow next to the vent. It looked like a huge dent. Maybe it was a dent. How long had that been there? Maybe Canderous bumped into it. Could someone's head cause a dent that big? Well, if it was Canderous, then yes.

Carth pulled the blanket up to his chin. If he somehow managed to get Revan to talk to him, to get past this depression and self-abuse she was putting herself through, and to get her to start acting the way she was before the Star Forge, then she owed him big time for this. He gave up a semi-real bed and heated guest quarters to lay in the cold and make sure she wouldn't attempt to find another cliff to jump off of. No, he thought. The sarcasm may be helping him think lightly of the grave situation, but Carth knew deep in his heart that no matter where Revan was right now, he'd be there with her, or at the very least, as close to her as he possibly could. Hoth or Tatooine, it didn't matter. He'd be there.

The Ebon Hawk crew had met with Admiral Dodonna and Master Vandar to recount the Star Forge events. The entire time Carth thought of Revan. He didn't want to leave her alone for fear of what she'd do or be tempted to do. Bastila had assured Carth she'd removed all of Revan's lightsabers from her footlocker, locking them safely away. Although somewhat reassuring, Carth knew that a simple locked footlocker wouldn't stop Revan if she was determined enough. After Admiral Dodonna adjourned the meeting, Carth headed back to the Ebon Hawk. Bastila was still unable to sense Revan's feelings or presence through the bond, so she couldn't tell Carth exactly what Revan was thinking. But Revan was alive, Bastila knew that much. There would be too great a disturbance in the Force if Revan was dead, and every Jedi worth their weight would feel it. That much gave Carth hope.

Carth looked over to Revan's door and counted eighty-six visible bolts on the doorframe. How long had he been lying there? Carth didn't wear a watch, and there wasn't anything in the hallway to tell him how much time had passed. He felt his eyelids grow heavy. He wasn't sure if he was exhausted or bored of waiting for her to emerge, then eventually decided it was a combination of the two. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. Revan didn't know he was outside, and to some extent he liked it that way. If she did leave her quarters, even to visit the refresher, he could surprise her by being there… He'd always be there for her…

Something hit Carth's leg. He instantly woke up, just in time to see the shadow of someone trip over him. Blaming the cold for his lack of quick reflexes, Carth sat up and watched the person stumble to the ground next to him. "Are you okay?" he asked the darkness.

"What are you doing there?" came the reply.

Revan. Carth's heart leapt to his throat. I'm here waiting for you, he thought.

Time seemed to stand still. Carth stared into the darkness towards her, forgetting how cold he was. He'd been waiting for her to emerge from her quarters. And there she was.

So now what?

"You locked me out," Carth said. "So I… stayed… here." Carth cringed. Smooth, Flyboy. Real smooth. He thought back to what he said in the dream, trying to remember if he said anything to her, but he couldn't remember. Was he a stumbling idiot in the dream, too?

Revan stood up. "I didn't sense you here."

"I've been here a while, Beautiful." She didn't say anything in return, instead heading back towards her room. Carth jumped to his feet and blocked her way. "I don't think so." He could only see her silhouette backlit from the common room light, and saw her right hand rise. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Don't," he said. "Please don't push me out of the way. Just… Just listen to me first. Please, hear me out. That's all I ask."

Revan didn't say anything. Carth assumed that was a good thing. The floor was his. Whatever he was going to say, he needed to say it from the heart and fast before Revan changed her mind.

"I love you," he said. "Even now. Even after… after… after all you've done. I love you like I haven't loved anyone or anything since my wife died, and I didn't even think that was possible. Seeing you like this tears me apart. I know you don't want to listen to anyone right now, let alone see anyone, but I believe that there's still some part of you I can reach. There's a part of you that believes in hope… and mercy… and love." He held her small, smooth hand between his rough callused hands, and took a step closer. Softer, he said, "I don't know what changed from the celebration until now, but I can tell you for a fact that I've been down this path before, this path of, of despair and destruction. You have to stop this and let someone help you. If you don't, all you'll have is… is emptiness and darkness. You don't want that, please don't want that. I'm here for you. Will you let me in?"

Silence filled the hall. Carth wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He was still holding Revan's hand. She hadn't taken it back. Tell me what you're feeling, Carth thought. If you can sense what I'm feeling, then you know everything I just said was the truth. Let me help you, Beautiful. I love you.

Carth felt Revan's hand start to tremble. He held her hand firmly, even though he knew he was no match for her mastery of the Force. He wouldn't be able to defend himself if she pushed him backwards, but he could at least brace himself.

It took Carth a few seconds to realize Revan wasn't trembling out of anger. Her whole body was shaking. He saw her knees buckle, and he grabbed her before she fell. Revan let out soft sobs, her body turning limp in arms. Carth knelt down on the ground with her, then cradled her close.

"Let it all out," he whispered, tucking her head under his chin. "Let it all out, Beautiful."

Revan's soft sobs turned into louder cries. She clung to Carth until her cries died back down to whimpers. "This is all wrong," Revan whispered. "All wrong… I was supposed to die."

"No, you weren't," Carth firmly said.

"You didn't hear them," Revan cried. "What they said…"

"What who said?" Carth asked. Revan whimpered, then told him everything she overheard the soldiers at the celebration say. "Wait… So you changed your mind because you heard two idiots talking about something they didn't understand?"

"The one said he was from Telos…"

Carth shook his head. "Listen to me, Beautiful. Those people… their opinions don't matter. They don't know you. They don't know the person that you are. They can't possibly—"

"Everyone feels the same way about me."

"No," Carth said. "Not everyone—"

"I was supposed to die to stop—"

"Darth Revan was supposed to die," Carth said. "And she did. But not Liana Suul. Not you, Beautiful. Not you."

"What's the difference?" Her voice was barely audible. "We're the same person. Nothing's changed."

Carth frowned. "I don't understand," he calmly said. "What do you mean by that?"

"They changed nothing," she said. "I'm the same… I'm her, she's me.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

Revan sniffed. "I… I don't know how—"

"Take your time."

She paused to gather her thoughts, then said, "I had… another flashback before, before I saw Malak," Revan said. "I… I saw us as, as kids… I, I'm me," she said. "I-I was me, I mean."

Carth frowned. "I'm not sure I follow."

Revan sniffed again. "My… my birth name… Liana… Revan… Suul." She looked at him. "The Jedi Council… they didn't change anything. They didn't give me a new identity. They gave me my old one back."

Carth didn't know what to say.

"Everything's the same," she whispered. "They just… erased my Jedi memories… my Sith memories… They didn't change anything… I fell to the Dark Side because of who I am—"

"No," Carth said. "You didn't fall because of who you are. The choices you made lead to your fall, and Malak helped you continue on that path. You didn't do that on your own."

"I wish they had given me a new identity—"

"No, you don't," he said. Carth cupped the side of her head and lazily massaged her temple with his thumb. "You're a good person. Liana was a good person."

"How do you know that?"

"If she wasn't, the Jedi wouldn't've given her back to you," Carth said. "The Jedi Council knew that deep inside Darth Revan was the good person that was Liana Suul. When your mind was damaged, the Jedi Council gave her personality back to you. You were given the opportunity to be yourself again."

"But I was Darth Revan, too," she said. "I—"

"No you weren't," Carth told her. "Malak helped you become Darth Revan. It's you who told me Malak manipulated you, Malak convinced you to go further down the path of the Dark Side."

"I thought I was doing the right thing…"

Carth smiled. "You've always followed your heart. That's the one thing I love about you. You're never afraid to back down from a fight, and never afraid to do what your heart tells you to do."

"Did my heart tell me to kill millions of people and follow the ways of the Sith?"

Carth looked at her. "When you decided to defy the Jedi Council and aid the Republic, did you do as your heart told you?"

"You needed help," Revan whispered. "The Mandalorians—"

"Yes or no."

Revan paused. "Yes," she said. "It was the right thing to do."

"When you and Malak went in search of the Star Maps?"

"I, I didn't know what we were going to find," Revan whispered. "I thought… When we first started… I thought it was right…"

"When you first started?" Carth asked.

"Things… changed," Revan said. "Somewhere along… I started to change my mind. I could feel the darkness. I, I told Malak, but he… he told me to keep going. So I did."

"Why did you listen to him?"

"He was my best friend," she answered. "We did everything together… He wouldn't lie to me… We were friends…" She looked at Carth. "Why would he do that to me? I told him I thought we made a mistake… He made me keep going… And I listened."

"Mistake?"

"The Star Maps," she whispered. "The Darkness… It was changing me. Malak made me keep going. I thought… He kept telling me to go along… I listened. Why did I listen to him?"

"I can't answer that for you, Beautiful," Carth said.

The hall fell silent again, with the exception of Revan's sniffles. Carth took a deep breath. He hated to ask, but he needed to know. "Why 'Revan'?"

She looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"When you entered the Mandalorian Wars, you told everyone your name was Revan," he said. "You just told me your birth name was Liana Revan—"

"Liana Suul, Jedi Knight," Revan said. "When we defied the Jedi Council, I knew… I knew there was no going back. I figured we were rogues…" She softly laughed. "The older I got, the more of the galaxy I saw, the more I began to question what I had been taught. I figured a new chapter of my life was starting as a Rogue Jedi, and I… I was content with that. I was doing what, what I wanted to do. I… I figured Liana Suul was the Jedi Knight. But Revan…" She softly laughed again. "Revan was the Rogue Jedi, the one who did what she wanted." Revan looked at Carth. "Ironic that even then I didn't know who I was."

Carth ran his fingers through her hair. "So who are you now?"

"I don't know," she said. "I… I liked Liana… Me… I liked me before, before I fell. I liked me back when I met you… before everything came crashing down…"

"That's a start," Carth said.

"When Malak told me who I really—what I had been," she said, "I thought going by Revan was the right thing… like a self-punishment. Oh Force, I should never have done that."

"You did what you thought was right."

"I made you all call me—"

"And we did," Carth said.

"My entire life, I've never known who I am," she said. "It's like I've been searching for someone to be. I didn't fit in with the Jedi. I questioned everything they did, everything they believed in. When I was Darth Revan, I did terrible, horrible things. But I never second-guessed myself. I thought I had found my identity, where I really belonged. I thought I was supposed to be her."

"I don't believe that for a second," Carth said. Revan looked at him. "When I told you on Kashyyyk that you're an amazing woman, I wasn't lying. The only person I've ever known with the same amount of self-confidence was my wife. She never hesitated, never backed down from a challenge. And neither do you. You weren't looking for someone to be back then. You knew exactly who you were. None of this started until you faced Malak on the Leviathan."

"Carth—"

"You're still that woman I met on Taris," he said, "the woman who follows her heart and has more courage than anyone else I know."

Revan softly laughed.

"I'm not joking, Beautiful," Carth said. "I don't care what you call yourself: Liana, Revan, I don't care. I fell in love with the woman I met on Taris."

Revan's eyes filled with tears. "I'll try—"

"Beneath that layer of self-punishment and left-over Star Forge… wackiness is that woman," Carth said. "You don't have to try. You already are her."

"I don't want to fall again," she whispered. "I don't…"

"You have to trust yourself," he said. "It's so hard, I know. But you have to trust that you won't fall."

Revan looked at Carth. "That's kinda strange coming from you."

He smiled. "I know. But it's the truth." He kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry for, for everything," Revan whispered. "I should have listened. I should have—"

"Shhh," Carth said. "You're going to be okay."

The beginning dialogue copyright 2003 BioWare and Lucasarts.

This is the third version of this chapter. The first version was so bad, it was decided to throw it out and try again. So I did. Another verison or two later, ta-da! Thanks so much, Jiara, for your suggestions and help. I truly appreciate it. Also, thanks to Meg for pointing out that "Heal Over" by KT Turnstall sounds like a Carth/Revan song. The song helped me finish the later-half of the chapter.