I'm sorry of this bad habit of being late. Last weekend was my schools spring musical (which I was in) and the week before that is when we stay at school until 10:00 rehearsing, so not much time to write then. But because of my late nights last week, as I very tired and half sick this week, and in no mood to write a good chapter. I know it's not fair to you faithful leaders that my posting is off, but I am trying. Please forgive me, and read on.
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to the talented J.R.R. Tolkein and some references belong to the also talented Peter Jackson.
Chapter 44 Recap:
Gandalf turned back to Abby, and his expression softened. "I believe you and I need to have a little talk, Abigail."
He waved his arm out, gesturing for her to follow him.
She groaned inwardly, but started to walk in-step with Gandalf.
'Done with one wizard, on to the next,' she mused lamely, doing her best to wring out her wet cloak and skirt.
Chapter 45:
Abigail and Gandalf walked in silence over to a small, sheltered area by the crumbling wall. Abigail fingered her hair nervously, not knowing what lecture to expect from Gandalf.
He sat wearily on a stone, while she chose to remain standing.
"Now," he began slowly, "why don't you tell me the real reason you were by the Orthanc tonight, hmm?"
Abby shifted her footing anxiously, debating over what would be the right thing to say.
"I suppose you deserve to know," she said thoughtfully, "but I don't necessarily want you repeating this to the others. Is that possible?"
He stroked his beard, "I promise not to tell unless absolutely needed," was his reply.
She sighed. "Fine, good enough for me." She wrung her hands together. "Well, I'll just come out and say it. I-I went to Saruman."
Gandalf's back went slightly rigid and for a moment it seemed like her would yell, but somehow he refrained.
"And what could possibly motivate you to do that?" he asked curtly.
Abigail paused, studying her nails.
'How am I going to explain my actions, without revealing too much,' she wondered.
"Something just didn't sit well with me with our first conversation," she chose her words carefully. "Surely you noticed his strange greeting."
"Yes, he was a bit calm upon meeting you," Gandalf nodded. "Saruman was quick to insult the rest of the fellowship…but not you."
He looked her in the eyes. "Why was that?"
She gulped slightly. "He, he tricked me. He gave the answer that he knew would make me come back to talk to him, alone."
"Why would he need to talk to you alone?"
'Too many questions, too many questions,' Abigail thought, panicking. This exchanging of words reminded her of the banter she had just had with Saruman.
"His curiosity just got the better of him." She decided on that explanation. "He wanted to know what a woman was doing joining a fellowship that was bent on destroying a dark load. Oh, and then there was the usual petty insults thrown in here and there," she ended stupidly.
Gandalf was still not convinced, of course. "How did you answer him?'
"Vaguely," she replied simply. "You know, just some babble about women's rights, me doing my part on this earth. Heh, heh," she laughed nervously.
Gandalf shook his head, disappointed. "Is the truth so horrible, young Abigail? Do not take me for a fool, or the rest of the fellowship for that matter. You have been hiding something, a rather large secret by my account. And according to the others, this change even started all the way back in your visit to Lorien."
Abigail hung her head in shame because of the hurt in Gandalf's tone.
"What is happening to you, Abigail? Can we not help you, are we not your friends?" he pleaded, good-heartedly.
"Gandalf," she started, her voice cracking. "What…what did I do at Helms Deep?"
Gandalf knew she was talking about the disfigured orc corpses. "Do you not remember?" he asked. She shook her head. "After you fell off the wall, Legolas and Aragorn came after you."
"Yes, yes," she said impatiently. "Some uruks attacked me and I began to fight them. Then, the next time I really looked up, Aragorn was there."
"The bodies that you had been fighting had been damaged in…unnatural ways, let us leave it at that. It would have taken an inhuman force to cause their, uh, positions," he cleared his throat.
"I see," she said quietly. But to herself she thought, 'Great, I am killing creatures on a whim, now.'
"I will ask again, can you not tell us what is troubling you?"
Abigail paced slowly, back and forth, through the shallow water. She knew Gandalf just wanted to help, she really did. It was so tempting, to finally end the lies. But…what Saruman had said was true. Her power was unpredictable and sometimes uncontrollable, even by herself. Would they accept her abnormality, or would they just find her dangerous and mark her as evil.
'Was Saruman right about Haldir and Boromir. Am I just destined to hurt those I care about? Or could…could it just maybe be time for the truth?' she thought.
Oh lord, how tempting it was. She looked up and Gandalf seemed hopeful, but fear overcame her senses quickly.
'No, no one is ready for this. I can't tell them until I'm certain it's safe. I need to work this out myself first,' she decided firmly.
This time she did speak, but not the words Gandalf wanted to hear.
"I'm sorry, but there's nothing-"
"Do not lie to me more and say nothing is wrong!" he interrupted, rather harshly.
She recoiled slightly, but then found her composure. "There is nothing comforting I can say now," she said slowly, "but I promise someday I will confess the truth, with all of you. I am sorry."
" 'Promise' and 'Sorry' are small words to hide behind," Gandalf said, standing up and brushing off his robes.
Abigail, not knowing how to respond, stayed silent.
"I had hoped that by now you could have trusted those you call friends," Gandalf said sadly while he walked away. "I did think you had more faith."
"Gandalf, please, it's not that simple," she pleaded, but the old wizard just kept on walking away.
"Damn," she hissed, punching the wall. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "You don't understand, it's not the simple," she repeated.
She looked up, the night sky still black. This time she really did go into the forest, just as the tears started to fall.
The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
I have to stand up to be stronger.
'What's so great about the truth,' she thought bitterly, shoving her way through the branches. 'It causes just as much pain and suffering. At least through lies one could have false happiness.'
She let out a frustrated whimper. 'Though others would call living through lies not living at all.'
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
Abigail felt like she couldn't do anything right anymore. It seemed the options she did have would only end up hurting somebody. Maybe if she kept it all bottled up, she would only hurt herself. But was that really any better?
"I just want to help…and laugh and-and love! Why is that so difficult? If I'm living in a fairy tale world, where's my stupid happy ending?" she whispered angrily.
I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it will be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
She finally stopped stomping around the forest, and stood still. The trees were sleeping and the air was silent, only once in a while could you hear the small movement of a creature.
"It will always be easy, won't it," she mused, staring off into the distance. "It will always be easy to give up, run away and try to go back to some sense of normality."
Oh, this night is too long.
I have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.
Her weighted feet stumbled back against a tree and she wearily slid to the roots. She rested her head on her knees and curled up into a little ball.
"I really miss you right now, Haldir,' she said, as if he could actually hear her. "I just wish I could think in the back of my mind, 'when I finish this, I can see my father again'."
She continued to talk in a wavered voice as she started crying again.
"But, that isn't going to happen, is it? No matter how much this quest destroys me, I made a promise. Not only to Frodo, but to you as well, and to myself. I'll be honest though, father, if I die at the end it just might be welcomed."
Abigail wondered for a moment if she should take back those words. She surprised herself even more when she didn't.
"I-I'm just tired, Haldir," she breathed softly, closing her eyes, "So, very tired."
I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
Instantly and gratefully, she fell asleep against the hard wood. Then, a tall figure came out of hiding and picked her up gently, carrying her back in the direction of the camp.
(A/N- The song is Pale by Within Temptation. Another beautiful song that I thought was theme fitting.)
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Legolas and Gimli were surprised to look up and see Aragorn carrying Abigail back into the camp. The ranger walked in silently and set the sleeping girl down in some blankets.
Gandalf, however, did not stir or move his gaze from the fire.
"Is she alright?" Gimli asked quietly.
Aragorn nodded. "She is merely exhausted, though I am not sure from what." He threw a questioning glance towards Gandalf, who still did nothing.
Legolas finally noticed the lack of emotion or movement from the old wizard.
"Gandalf, is something wrong?" he asked, concerned.
Gandalf brought his head up slightly and sighed.
"Perhaps, my friend, I am simply confused." His withered hand stretched out to grab a small log. He threw it in the fire and then returned to staring at the flames.
The three companions shrugged, and relaxed, assuming they would get no more answers tonight.
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The following morning, the travelers prepared to leave, with the Rohirrim more than eager to return home.
But the group went inside Isengard one more time to speak to the Ents. Of all places, they ended up situated in front of the Orthanc.
"If possible, Treebeard, I would like you to continue management of Isengard," Gandalf requested. "You are doing such a fine job, after all," he added, with a hint of amusement.
"I shall stay, wizard Gandalf, and watch over this establishment like dew clings to an acorn, ba-rum-rum," he coughed. "Or does the dew cling to a willow? Let me think for moment…"
"Are you sure it just doesn't cling to a rock?" Merry shouted playfully.
"Or maybe a duck," Pippin chuckled.
"Now don't rush me, Master Hobbits, I'll get it soon enough…hmm." Treebeards leaves shook as he thought harder.
"By my father's beard, we'll never get out of here at this rate," Namian muttered, shaking his head.
Just then, a small distraction came flying out the towers window.
"Look out," Legolas cried.
Everyone covered their heads, not knowing what the object could be.
Thankfully, it only landed with a small 'plop' in the water by Aragorn's horse.
Pippin, who was on Aragorn's horse, immediately jumped off to retrieve the item. With a strange fascination, he fingered the glass ball he had just picked up.
'The palantir,' Abigail breathed silently.
"What is it, a parting gift from Saruman," Théoden asked, puzzled.
"Nay, it is no gift," Abigail whispered beside him. Théoden, being the only one that heard her, just looked more confused, but said nothing on the matter.
"If you would be so kind as to give that to me Peregrin Took," Gandalf asked calmly. But when the hobbit handed it over, Gandalf quickly and almost fearfully wrapped it in his robes.
Abigail wondered if she was the only one to notice the longing gaze Pippin had at the seeing stone.
"Bless my bark. Is it indeed from Saruman?" Treebeard asked, forgetting about his troubling metaphor.
Gandalf scoff. "Due to the poor aim, I would guess that it was Grima."
"Grima? For what reason does that snake have for hurling a crystal ball at us?" Éomer's eyes narrowed.
"I have a contradicting suspicion…" Gandalf trailed off, but then waved his hand airily. "We can discuss my 'wild' theories later. For now, I believe we should depart."
"Don't be hasty, sir Gandalf," Treebeard said. "We Ents are keeping a good eye on things nowadays. You should have a safe trip."
Gandalf put on a friendly smile. "I have no doubt. Thank you for all your help, Fangorn."
"It was a pleasure to meet you all," the ent agreed.
"Bye Treebeard!" the hobbits chorused enthusiastically.
One by one, the brigade filed out on their horses. Abigail, in her favorite spot of the back of the line, took what she presumed to be her last glance at the tower. In one of the top windows, she saw a wisp of stringy white hair, and then it was gone.
Treebeard stole a small look and the young lady.
"You know," he said lowly, "Not too long ago an Oak friend of mine heard some lovely singing by the southern border. He even caught a glimpse of a tall, wandering girl."
Abigail looked up, but Treebeard was only looking at her out of the corner of his eye.
"Did he now," she smirked. "Isn't that interesting."
"Indeed, ba-rum-rum. Farewell, then," he said, walking away.
She thought she noticed the traces of a smile through his old bark.
Abigail turned Veryohtar's reins and caught up with her fellow riders.
"Abby," Merry called back from Namian's horse, "You never did tell us what exactly you did after you got separated from Pip and me, up until you went to Helm's Deep."
"Young Brandybuck does actually have a point. Unless it's a secret or something," Gandalf added, putting emphasis on that particular word.
Abigail had the urge to glare, but resisted.
"It not much of a story really," she said truthfully. "Mainly I just walked around the forest in a daze until Veryo showed up," she said, patting the horse's neck.
She chuckled suddenly. "But during the Riders siege I did get some nice slices at those orc before I entered Fangorn."
Namian's horse suddenly pulled back at he went beside her.
"Y-you were at the night siege at Fangorn?" he asked, wide-eyed with some sort of realization.
She raised an eyebrow. "Yes, surely one of the others told you the tale of how Merry, Pippin and I were captured."
"Ah, yes, now I remember. Aragorn did ask me about a woman in addition to the two Hobbits when we met briefly in the Gap of Rohan," Éomer nodded.
Namian went a little pale. Not sickly pale, more like shocked pale.
"Abigail, do you remember doing something else at the siege…like, helping someone."
Abigail bit her nail as she tried to think back. "Actually…yea I do. There was a soldier who was hurt that I helped. He grabbed my leg and I was about to hit him until I saw the poor man had a terrible wound in his shoulder…"
Now Abigail looked shock when she realized Namain's point.
"It was you!" they exclaimed at the same time, and then they started laughing lightly.
"Did I miss something?" Gimli grumbled, looking at the pair as if they were insane.
"Lord Éomer," Namian said, still chuckling. "Do you not remember how my wound had mysteriously been bandaged during the battle?"
"Are you saying…" Éomer started.
"Yep" Namian smiled, "Here is my miraculous savior," he gave a grand gesture towards Abigail.
"How come you didn't say anything when we met up?" asked Aragorn.
"I was barely awake at the time. Only later did I confess to seeing a woman who appeared out of nowhere and saved my life."
Abigail blushed faintly, all eyes on her. "I did not do much. Just washed his wound and ripped a piece of my skirt off to bandage it. I wasn't about to let him bleed to death, even if I was a tad busy fending off some orcs."
Éomer's lips curled into a small smile. "I'm glad you decided to stop and help, otherwise I would have lost a good soldier and friend. You have my thanks, Lady Abigail."
"You have mine as well, of course," said Namian, who leaned over and gave her a small peck on the cheek.
Her 'light blush' turned a shade darker as Merry snickered at this action.
" 'Twas nothing. Don't mention it…seriously," she muttered.
(A/N-If y'all are unaware about what they are talking about, skim through chapters 32 and 33 for a quick reminder.)
Pippin, still on Aragorn's horse, cleared his throat.
"As long as we are in a questioning mode, I have one for Gandalf. How come a few minutes in old Saruman's tower seemed like hours outside?"
"Now that's an explanation I want to hear," Théoden agreed.
"I am not positive, but I think it was some kind of defensive spell put on the tower by Saruman," Gandalf stated. "In case he ever got locked in the tower, I believe he wanted some sort of time-altering spell to make the days go faster. Or it could be some sort of technique used to delay the time he had with captives or enemy's."
"Seems reasonable enough," Aragorn nodded.
Abigail sounded a not so ladylike snort. "Nothing that man does is reasonable," she said rigidly.
Her companions gave her a pointed look, but started talking about a new subject to fill their time on the journey back to Edoras.
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Meanwhile, in Rivendell
Arwen woke up suddenly and sat up straight in her canopy bed. She breathed heavily as she rubbed her temples, trying to sooth her pounding head.
"What does it mean," she whispered, trying to sort out the visions that had spun through her head moments ago.
She hopped out of bed and onto the cold stone floor. As she ran to the door she grabbed her dressing robe and threw it on.
'I must speak with Àda,' she thought.
She opened the door cautiously; then started to run down the cobbled streets of Imladris. It was either very late or very early depending on the time, but all was still dark with faint stars twinkling above.
She was about to take the turn to her father's bedroom, when she noticed a light on in Elrond's study.
She sighed. "It would be just like him to already know I'm coming."
Arwen changed directions, and she didn't even stop to close the doors after she burst through them into the study.
"What do they mean?" she demanded.
"I am afraid you will have to be more specific than that, dear daughter," Elrond replied steadily.
"These dreams, visions, whatever you want to call them. What are they trying to tell me?"
"Why don't you tell me what you are seeing first," Elrond said evenly.
Arwen took a calming breath, and then sat across from him in one of the plush chairs.
"At…at first I see Aragorn, in a stone room filled with sunlight," she began slowly. "He's running and laughing with a little boy…and he's happy."
Elrond merely nodded. "Anything else?"
"Yes. Usually the scene shifts next. I find myself wandering through a dimly lit wood with fading trees-I'm clad in black. But at the same time, I see myself strolling merrily through a rich red wood…and I feel at home."
Arwen leaned uneasily in her armchair. "One part shows death and sorrow, another part shows life and peace. You have the gift of foresight, tell me what you see," she pleaded.
He looked at his daughter sadly, knowing he did not have the answer she wanted. Still, he replied truthfully. "I have seen your future, and if you stay here you shall only find death."
She seemed shocked at first, and was quick to protest. "But there is life as well! What about the child and-"
"The child you see is Aragorn's son. Though it is still not certain if that future can be his."
"Can that not be my son as well?" she asked, somewhat hopeful.
Elrond shook his head. "It is faintly possible, Arwen, that you will see him again. But you must understand. Even if Aragorn survives this war, you will still be parted. If Sauron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time Aragorn will die."
"But, but isn't it possible that we can at least be together for that fleeting moment of time? Do I not have the choice to die with him?" she said weakly.
"No, sweet Arwen, you are fated to live as the elves do. If you linger on Middle Earth, you are lingering alone in the faded forest that you saw. By coming to the Grey Havens, you will life more than a life. You will be a star among stars and be at peace with your friends and family. That much you saw as well."
She stood up and started to pace quietly, too anxious to remain in the chair.
"So, he is really not coming back. Our love will never be what it once was," she admitted regretfully.
"Your love is one to be remembered and cherished, but you cannot wait for it. The time has come to move on," Elrond said.
Arwen stopped pacing, but instead stood wearily. This troubled and saddened her deeply. The man she believed to be the love of her life was no longer so. But…in the strangest of ways…was she relieved? Was it, as she feared before, that all along she knew this day would come?
'No, it still hurts,' she thought.
"Ah im, ú-'erin veleth lîn?" Elrond said with a fatherly smile.
Arwen returned traces of the smile, though her eyes continued to hold sorrow. "Gerich veleth nîn, ada."
(Do I not also have your love? You have my love, father.)
"All wounds will heal, daughter," Elrond said, bringing her into a comforting hug.
"I pray to Valar they will," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder.
Arwen pulled away, and wiped her eyes.
"Father, there is a favor I would like to ask you now. I believe it will bring me closure, as well as assist Aragorn greatly."
"Anything you need, dear."
Arwen sat down with Elrond again, as she explained her plan.
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Augh, this chapter was very weird to write. There was a lot to put in, but in the end it's still a lot like a filler. Not one of my better writings, but I'll just try to go with the flow.
Thanks to Reviewers:
writin4fun15: I was happy that I could finally clear up all this question. Still, there is many more questions that need to be answered, and much drama to follow (bwahahaha). Thanks!
KeeperMusicNight: I noticed the spell check for reviews too. Now I can actually sound intelligent when reviewing (woot was seriously in the dictionary? Hahaha). I'm glad you like the chapter, and thanks for reviewing!
Lady Aphadriel-order of the...: Yeah, I decided to keep them all confused a little while longer (but not too much longer, hint hint). I bet a lot of were planning on Abigail confiding in Gandalf, but I have a few tricks up my sleeves yet. Anyway, thank you!
Lady Galriee: Welcome to the review corner! It's really nice to hear you're enjoying my story, and I hope to hear from you again. Thanks!
ArwenEvenstar83: Yea, having him betray the council for 10 years might be a bit of a stretch, but it's plausible and it works with my story. Hmm, I suppose Saruman and Palpatine are a bit alike…interesting (Abigail…I am your father…jk). Yes, Saruman is a big, mean, chauvinist, so you can't really pity him that much. As I said above, the Gandalf questioning went a little different than most of you were expecting, but I have my reasons. Thank you!
Jupuffskin: I'm always happy to help spread the words of the good fics (let me know if you find any good ones). Thanks for reviewing!
Narnian Sprite: Ha, I kind of doubted you would really MISS Grima, but I thought I'd say it just in case. I'm glad you like the chapter, thanks!
Samantha-Girl Scout: Seriously, if I am anywhere near the same league as 'Safe in My Arms' I'm happy. I adore her story, and it is for sure more creative and intelligent than mine. I am still very pleased you consider me #2 (and #1 in a way). Thanks for the badge and the review!
GDI: I am sorry I took 2 WEEKS to update and I'm going to try to not let it happen again. As I said before, my confidence in this chapter is waning, but I hope you still like it. Thank you!
Arwen will be back, at least one more time. And I'm not going to keep making excuses for Abigail's lies. The damn will burst very soon, if you know what I mean.
Izzy: No, they really don't know what that means.
MN9: They are not all as dimwitted as you, Izzy.
Izzy: How about you put it in plain English just to make sure.
MN9: Technically, that was in English.
Izzy: …you are infuriating…
MN9: I know (grins crazily)
Until next time!
-MysticNight9