Not Gonna Wait For You Forever
Chapter Two: Sometimes I Give Into Sadness
"Are you going to talk to me Paige?" Alex asks, sitting Indian-style with a pillow in her lap on Paige's bed, watching her get ready. Alex herself on the other hand, had been ready for over twenty minutes.
"I am talking to you. See me? Talk, talk, talk." She says, smiling awkwardly and applying mascara.
"You know what I mean." Alex says seriously. She pauses for a moment. She's never enjoyed confrontation like this. She regains composure and continues applying her make-up.
"It's not a big deal." She says. The one hurt Alex. She got up and went to the kitchen. It was a big deal. It was a really big deal to her.
"I was just messing with you anyway. You're right. It's no big deal." Alex says with a smile on the way to school. She always has been great at masking her emotions.
"You were?" Paige asks, a strange look coming over her face.
"Yeah… what's wrong?" Alex asks curiously.
"Oh nothing, nothing." She says. Paige was a terrible liar, but Alex couldn't quite pick up on what was wrong and didn't want to push her any farther.
"So were still friends right? Cause I don't really have very many friends and I don't want to lose you…" Alex says, watching her face intently, gauging for a reaction.
"Yeah, of course we are." Paige says, pulling into her parking space and killing the engine. She suddenly realized that she was being watched. She turns to Alex and can see the disappointment in her face.
"You are my best friend Alex. Everyone may think that you are crazy or mean, but I know the real you. And you know me better than anyone. I need you, and I want to be there for you to." Paige says grabbing her hand gently. Alex smiles. She feels the moment getting to serious and wants to kiss her again. She knows that she can't.
"Big lesbo." She says jokingly as she tosses her hand. Paige gives a snort of laughter and they exit the car, linking arms on there way inside.
Alex sits in Earth/Space Science next to Ellie Nash, another one of her close friends. She usually can pay attention for at least a little while but today the lecture is just over her head. Instead she is looking at Ellie. She always watches the teacher intently, even though she could not show up for a day of lecture and pass all of the tests with flying colors. What she's watching at the moment though, is her arms. She's wearing a long-sleeved black jacket with a white broken heart on the left side of her chest, but in the stuffy room she has pushed the sleeves up to her elbows. Alex is proud of her for being brave enough to let her scars show. There are a lot of them, overlapping and stacked all over her arm. Alex slides a hand under her black tank top along her sides. She feels the wide, rope like scars that cover them. She closes her eyes and remembers her sophomore year.
She has never spoken out loud about it. No one knows. She always managed to keep Jay's hands away from her sides, and refused to get intimate with him unless it was pitch black. Her only other scars are by her ankles, but they weren't deep enough to be raised or pink. They have faded to a shade just slightly paler than her actual skin tone. She almost told Paige once, but she lost her nerve. Right now all she could think about was bleeding. She took a deep breath and dug her nails into her sides just enough to hurt slightly and calm her down. It usually worked flawlessly and it just took a little bit of pressure to keep her hanging on. But this time, it doesn't work. All she can think about is running to the washroom and cutting herself open. She had almost forgotten that she was looking at Ellie's arms, but remembered when Ellie self-consciously pulled her sleeves down and sat on her hands, nervously biting at her lip.
"I'm sorry Elle, I didn't mean to stare. You shouldn't be ashamed." I say, feeling terrible.
"Well, I am. I try not to be but I am." She says, looking at the table.
"Look at me." I say. Her reluctant eyes meet Alex's and you can still see the shame in her eyes. Alex puts a hand on hers.
"You have come so far, you are so strong and I am proud of you." Alex says looking her deeply in the eyes, like not many people do.
"Thank you Alex." She says quietly, a little embarrassed by Alex's comment.
Neither of them saw Paige walking past. She was going to get something out of her locker when she Alex caught her eye. She glanced in through the window and saw her hand on Ellie's, both of them smiling at each other. She couldn't help but feel jealous. She had always thought that Ellie was so much prettier than her, and so much deeper and more talented. Alex said that she was just joking though, she's not really a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian either… I'm not… She thought firmly to herself as she pried herself away from the window and to her locker.
"Marco, we really need to talk." Tim said sitting down beside him at lunch. Marco had been laughing and joking around with his friends, but the laughter stopped and the smiles faded into an awkward silence with those words.
"Okay." He says, wiping his mouth and following Tim to a quiet area by a tree. This used to be where they would go to cuddle and talk about the future.
"It's just not working out Marco." Tim says, his hands deep in his pockets, unable to look Marco in the eye. A pain deep within Marco began to grow.
"Not working? It's been working wonderfully? What happened? What's really going on Tim?" He says, not letting his emotion show.
"That's it Marco. I want out. It's over." He says walking away and leaving Marco alone standing in the taunting shade of the tree… the tree that used to be their tree.
Marco sat down Indian-style on the ground, eyebrows furrowed with his deep thought. He wanted so terribly to cry. Every time that the feeling would grip his throat he would just bury it in the pit of his stomach. His elbows rested on his knees and his fists supported his head. His entire body was so tense that his muscles were growing sore with fatigue but he doesn't even notice.
"Marco?"
The voice startled him, it was evident in the fact that his entire body jumped and that he blinked for the first time in almost two-minutes. He didn't turn his head though. He just sat staring. The voice that usually brought a since of comfort to him did nothing now. He just wanted to cry. He wanted to be with Tim.
"Marco what happened?" Marco didn't answer.
Her hand touches his shoulder and he jumps again. He feels her warmth through his plain grey t-shirt, and he realizes that he wants her to comfort him. Aside from Ellie, she is his best friend. She sits next to him.
"It's okay. You don't have to talk. I'm here though. I've had a lot of guy trouble to so I'm sure I'd understand if you'd talk to me." She says trying to get him to look at her.
"I don't want to talk right now. If I talk I'll break down and I can't do that here." He says in a voice reminiscent of a pouty little boy.
"That's okay. I'm always here though." She says.
"Thanks Manny." He says, laying his head on her shoulder.
"Alex!" Craig said for the third time swaying his hand in front of her face to get her attention. He inhales deeply and shakes her head snapping back to reality.
"Oh sorry, what were you saying?" She asks as though nothing happened.
"Are you okay? You've been spacing out on us." He says with a smile, concern still lighting in his eyes.
"Yeah I'm fine, I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." She says, more to Paige than anyone. She looks to her tray as though she doesn't see her there.
It's not just the situation with her and Paige that has her distracted. She is still thinking about hurting herself. Even though she looks so strong on the outside, she holds so much hurt inside. She's survived more junk than any ten people should ever have to. And she keeps it all inside.
"Come on, you're not okay, you're never this quiet especially at lunch." Ellie says, looking at her with empathy. Ellie knows a person who has gone through a lot when she sees one. She knows that there is more than what Alex is saying.
"Really, I'll be fine." Alex says giving her a reassuring smile.
For awhile then, it is like everything is normal. They are all just sitting around the table joking and laughing like they always do. Paige and Alex laughing the hardest. Alex loves these moments. When nothing really matters. They never last long but she always has to stop and savor them for a moment. Seeing them all laughing and happy in the golden sunlight, it's how she wants to remember them. It never takes to long for it to end.
"Thanks for earlier, I really mean it Alex." Ellie says, looking deep into her face. Alex quickly looks away, afraid that she'll see her struggle.
"Anytime. We're friends, it's what we do." Alex says.
"Well, you're one of the best." Ellie says. Alex knows the look on Ellie's face. Alex herself had had the same look earlier in the morning when She was talking to Paige.
"So are you." Alex says with a sincere smile. She pats her hand and sees that she has not disappointed Ellie with her reaction.
"I'll be back, I need to use the washroom." Alex says standing.
"I'll go with if you want." Paige says.
"No, I'll be right back." She says, trying not to sound to insistent.
"Okay." Paige says curiously as she sits back down.
Alex walks, arms tightly folded, avoiding eye contact all the way to the washroom. This was a far cry from her usual over-confident kick-ass strut that she walked with every other day. Today she wasn't feeling confident. Today she was hating herself. She entered the washroom and saw that no one else was inside. She entered a stall and closed the door. She had heard what happened with Ellie and she didn't want to repeat the mistake. She reached to the inside of her left boot. She had a knife hidden inside. How typically hardcore. She looked at its shiny edge. It wasn't her first choice but it would have to do. She lifted her top and made a deep horizontal line on her left side on one of the few bare spots. And she finally breathed. It had been over a year since it had last happened. Sometimes, you have to give into sadness.