Not Gonna Wait For You Forever

Chapter Four: Strong Enough Part I

"I'm sorry Elle." Craig whispers into her gorgeous red tresses.

"mmm… for what?" She asks drowsy with happiness.

"I ignored you today." He says. Neither one of them open their eyes, they are to warm and happy lying in each other's arms in Ellie's bed.

"I didn't mean to, I just didn't think about it." He says. Her smile drifts slowly away at his words.

"No, I'm sorry that came out wrong. I do think about you, all the time actually, I just…" He can't quite get his thoughts out.

"You make me happy Ellie. But this scares me because I've never been in a relationship like this. You're different. With Ash, yeah I loved her a lot, she was my first love but her emotions were insane and mine were insane and we couldn't keep up with each other. With Manny… it was pure lust in the end she didn't mean anything to me I was blind. But it's you that made me see again. I love you Ellie Nash." He says stroking her face.

"I love you too Craig Manning." She says, completely embarrassed.

He starts running his finger tips up and down her arm, feeling goose bumps rise all over them. They both smile and he giggles slightly. She loves it when he does this, it makes her totally melt. His fingertips suddenly touch a large raised scar that had been under the covers and they both jump slightly opening their eyes. He looks at the purple rope-like scar.

'This is it,' she thinks to herself 'this is the moment when he runs away.'

He pushes the purple comforter down some and looks at the rest of her scar ridden arm. His fingertips levitate over them for a moment. Then he comes into gentle contact with them. He runs his fingers over her forearm. He watches as his fingers rise and fall with the hills and valleys of her arm. Her entire body tenses up. She wants to allow him this part of her but it is suddenly too much.

"Stop!" She yells jumping out of bed and grabbing her jacket. She thrusts it on with much more force than needed and stands there trying to not to cry.

"Ellie, I just want to understand you. I want to know everything about you. It's okay!" He says standing and reaching his arms out to hold her. She leans away from his touch.

"I'm sorry but I can't, I just can't please just go." She says, now overcome with emotion. He looks at her for a moment.

"I'll call you later." He says swallowing hard and walking out the door.

She finally lets a tear fall then brushes it away. She climbs onto her bed and looks at her arms. The newest are about a year old. Then she looks straight ahead and rolls up her pant legs, cold air hitting the scars that are only about a month old. She had only stopped a month ago and it was still all that she could think about. All of her bravery, all of her recovery, all of her inspirational help was all a bunch of lies. She knows deep down that vulnerability is the only way to heal, but who could possibly understand? Was Craig strong Enough to be with her?

Craig sits on the hood of his car overlooking the city. Using his entire hand he covers his mouth and takes a long, slow drag from his cigarette. He holds it in for a moment and then casually breathes it out as though there was nothing different. He rarely smokes, just when life becomes too much to bear. They soothe him even if they do fill his lungs with carbon. He closes his eyes and remembers…

"When Infidelity Becomes an Addiction… what's this?" He asks their new group leader Simon, reading the title of the book just handed to him out loud.

"I just think that you may benefit from reading it." Simon says.

"Why? I cheated once it was no big deal." He says.

"That's why. It was no big deal Craig? I bet if you asked Ashley, she would have a different opinion." Simon says.

"Okay, so it was a big deal, But I've changed… I've really changed." He says.

"How did you and Ellie get together." Simon says obviously ready to make a point, Craig already knowing where this was going.

"A week after the concert." He says, clearly not wanting to talk about it.
"Did it happen to involve Manny?" Simon asks forwardly.

"So what, we're together, I love her, and I'm different now." He says defensively.

"Between the time that Ellie expressed interest and you two made it official, did you kiss Manny." Simon asks. Craig doesn't reply.

"When Ash left for London did you do anything with any girl before she told you that she wasn't coming back?" Simon says, Craig again has nothing to say.

"Anyone other than Manny?" Simon asks again.

"I'll read the book… but that doesn't mean that I have a problem. You need to just leave me alone about it." He says firmly.

"I'm not doing this for you don't be confused. I'm doing this for Ellie. She's a good girl Craig. Don't mess it up." He says.

"I'm over it." He says, wanting to hit Simon in the face.

"I thought that there was nothing to get over." He says gently.

After reading the book, Craig did notice a pattern in his cheating. There were three times when he cheated. When the relationship got hard, when he was angry or stressed, or when the relationship seemed too serious. The book talked a lot about the real feelings behind infidelity. He did begin to realize why he had done it in the past but he just refused to admit that there was even a possibility of it happening again. He didn't want to hurt Ellie… she may be the one, the one who could finally make him feel alright.

"Alex… Alex!" Paige says, hitting the dark-haired girl in the arm.

"Yeah?" She says sitting up quickly as though she hadn't been sleeping.

"You just slept through 'Sleepless in Seattle'! How can you do that? It's so beautiful!" Paige says getting that dreamy look in her eye all over again. Alex makes obnoxious snoring noises as she pretends to sleep.

"Where is the gore seriously" she says pulling 'Reservoir Dogs' off of her shelf. Paige quickly takes it from her.

"Or not. How about we call Marco and take him out. He has to be miserable, it sure seemed as though Tim broke up with him." She says holding her phone out to Alex.

"O-Kay…" She says with faux disappointment.

"Hey pretty boy, what are you up to… Wow, sounds exciting… Well I'm here with Paige and we are inviting you over… yes you are… yes you are!… come on Marco we'll do whatever it takes… We can go to the drive-in doesn't that sound fun?… I'll pay… That's what I thought, we'll drive by and pick you up… bye" Alex says, Paige couldn't help but laugh at the one sided conversation that she heard.

"What was he doing?" Paige asks

"Eating Ben & Jerry's and watching gay porn." Alex says, both her and Paige crack up.

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Paige says, then sighs.

"What's wrong?" Alex asks sitting next to her on the bed.

"It's been a long day." She says looking at her again

"Yeah, it definitely has been. But hey, we're going to the movies and we're going to have fun, let's invite Craig and Ellie." She says.

"Okay, can you say get a room?" Alex whispers in Marco's ear.

"Hey it's cute, at least some people can work out their problems." He says with a sigh looking in the back seat where Craig was shoving his tongue down Ellie's throat.

"It's really cold, I wish we could roll up the windows." Paige says.

"It is freezing, and she looks pretty lonely." Alex says to Marco, who is in the driver's seat, Alex in the passenger's.

He nods and they crawl to the backseat next to Paige. The middle seat in the van is made for two, not three so they are pretty crammed. They try to settle in, but there is no way to not be smashed together. They don't mind so much though, it is really cold.

"I'll be right back, I have to use the wash room." Marco says, exiting the van.

"Hey, hand me his blanket!" Paige says mischievously. Alex smiles at her and passes the blanket to her. Neither of them had noticed that Alex didn't scoot over when Marco left. Paige wraps tightly in her blanket and Alex pulls her own blanket around her shoulders. Marco returns and a shiver runs through his body, when he sees that Paige has his blanket, he doesn't say anything. Paige starts to feel guilty.

"Marco honey, if you're cold you can have your blanket, Alex has one that we can share." She says squeezing Alex's knee. She looks at Paige's hand, knowing that it was just a friendly gesture to emphasize her point but she can't help but pray that Marco is cold.

"No I'm okay." He says. Alex curses him again and again in her mind.

The rearview mirror is blocking Alex's view, it's positioned directly where she should be viewing the screen. She could slide down in her seat, or towards Marco, or slide up in her seat, but instead she leans into Paige. Paige's warm body against her own is so comforting to her that she doesn't want to ever leave it. She wants to wrap her arms around Paige's waist and press her lips to Paige's neck. Alex had been attracted to a few other girls, always the same type. It was always short girls who weighed about –5 pounds that were so hardcore that they couldn't see through the eyeliner. It was never a big deal, and she never would have actually done anything, but this time it's different. She doesn't just think of Paige as hot. She's beautiful. She may not be tiny, or hardcore, but she was strong and she was the one who was always there.

'Let it go.' She thinks to herself.

She didn't notice Paige slowly and subtly leaning into her body as well. And a lot of the time she wasn't watching the movie. She was intently watching Alex. She didn't know how to look away. She couldn't help but wonder if she was strong enough to tell Alex about her feelings…