Not Gonna Wait For You Forever
Chapter Six: Disenchanted Lullaby
"Hello?" Her voice was groggy and she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
"Dylan is home!… Why?" A hysterical Marco screams energetically into the phone.
"Marco, we can talk about this later. It is five in the morning. I am going to go to sleep. You are going to go to sleep. In the morning this will all seem silly. Goodnight Marco." She says.
"But it isn't silly Paige! He ripped my heart out! I don't want to see him…" He says voice fading.
"I know baby. I know. I'm sorry that it happened. I've been cheated on to, and it sucks. But I really think that you should just try to let go of this. I've let go of what happened with Spinner and I feel much better. Maybe you should do the same." She says.
"I'm gonna let you get some sleep. Thanks Paige." He says after a long pause.
"Alright. Your welcome. Goodnight baby." She says.
"Goodnight." He says.
She lies in her bed and sighs. She loves her brother so much, but she hates him for what he did to her friend. She knows exactly what it is like. She remembers the moment that she found Manny and Spinner in her own bed. It was her birthday party and to this day it still felt like a dream, or a nightmare whichever. They had just gotten over a fight, they had been fighting over the fact that he still wanted to have sex and Paige wasn't ready. He finally said that it was fine, and he got her a great birthday present, a framed picture of them in each other's arms with a poem written on the matte around it. She spent time down stairs mingling, but then couldn't find Spinner. She wanted to thank him in a special way for being so kind. She could shut her brain off for five or ten minutes. She heard a scream upstairs and was curious. She walked up into her room and saw Spinner right in the thrusts with Manny Santos. Her scream grew louder with his final blow, when she suddenly realized that Paige was standing there.
She liked to pretend that she was over it, but she still got teary-eyed just thinking about that moment. The look on his face. The way that he blamed her in the end, for not satisfying him. It made her sick to think about what she was going to do for him. She was so weak back then. He had her wrapped around his finger. She vowed that it would never happen again.
"Paige honey, is your mom at work?" Her dad said poking his head into her room, it was nearly noon and he was waking up for the first time.
His scruffy face always looked a little dirty. His chestnut colored curly hair is a little longer than it used to be, and much messier. She can tell that he'd still have a nice smile, but she wouldn't be seeing it anytime soon. She has his nose. She sees his hand grasping the door frame and suddenly sees her child hand reaching up and grabbing his finger. She shakes the thought and the feeling that she may cry.
"Yeah she is, why?" She asks. It's always strictly business between them.
"Just wondering." He says. He grins for a moment. She wants him to come in and sit down and ask her how she's doing. He walks away. She doesn't say anything. Her phone rings.
"Hello?" She says cheerfully.
"Hey Paige, what's up?" Dylan asks brightly.
"Hey buddy! Where did you stay last night?" She asks.
"I had a few beers and didn't want to drive so I just stayed at Brian's. Is dad there?" He asks, she always could appreciate his responsibility.
"Yeah." She says.
"Then I'm not coming home." He says
"Please Dylan, mom needs you here. She really does." She says, not wanting to say that it was her that needed him. He was her only friend that knew anything about her father. When he was home, she could run to him for help, when he wasn't, well… she had no one.
"I can't take it anymore Paige! I'm 19, not 40. I'm not the adult here. I shouldn't have to act like it! I can't keep this family together, I'm not strong enough!" He says. She can feel the desperation in his tone.
"But Dylan…" She starts, tears falling down her cheeks.
"I want to, but I can't… I'm sorry. I love you Paige… come with me." She says. She is confused.
"What are you talking about?" She asks.
"I'm going to get a place of my own, until then Brian said that I could stay with him… and he said that you are more than welcome to. I can take care of you, take you away from it all. You're so much better than all of that." He says with the most love that she has felt from anyone in a long time.
"I can't Dyl, I really can't." She says, not seeing anything practical or possible in the plan.
"Yes you can. Why not?" He says.
"Because if you aren't going to hold up this family, then I have to. I'm not leaving mom here with him you know it will get worse." She says.
"It's not your job." He says.
"Then whose job is it? Tell me that and by all means I'll come with you." She pleas.
"It's theirs! They can't keep doing this to us Paige!" He says.
"Well it sure doesn't look like the ol' sperm donor is going to change anytime soon, and until then I'm not leaving mom." She says. He pauses for a long time.
"I just want to take you away. It shouldn't be like this." He says having gained composure.
"Well either way it is. This is our reality. As much as I want to escape it with you, I can't. I'm happy for you, you just go please. You get your place. You've been in this long enough now it's my turn. I'll take care of mom." She says, also taking a calmer tone.
"I can't leave you alone there." He says.
"You come check on me from time to time. I can handle this. I'll be fine. You're better than this to and it's your chance to rise above. I'll get my chance. I've gotta go, Let's do dinner tomorrow night okay?" she says.
"Alright. I love you so much." He says. A tear falls from his eye.
"I love you too. Bye." She says. And hangs up the phone.
"You know what Chad, one day I'm going to fight back, and you're never going to see it coming." Alex mumbles to an empty room, wiping the fresh blood from her lips and her split brow.
She looks into the mirror and smiles, her teeth red with blood. Miss Fucked Up Teen America winner, five years and counting. She laughs at the morbid joke in her mind. She has a secret. She loves to play pretend. She loves to pretend that it doesn't hurt when Chad hits her. She likes to pretend that it doesn't affect her emotionally. She likes to pretend that she was almost mugged and her attacker busted her eyebrow. She likes to pretend that she's alright. She takes off her black t-shirt and begins to wash her face in her black bra and jeans. she wipes off her face with the towel and then pauses. She looks at her side. The wound was deeper than she had intended. She wanted more. She groans deep inside of her chest.
"My god, my god what have you started?" She exclaims to herself.
She opens her medicine cabinet shakily and hurriedly pulling out a red make-up bag. She dumps its contents into the sink. It would take to much time to dig through it carefully. She grabs the first thing that she can get her hands on which just happens to be an X-Acto. Three thin lines in a row on her left side. She props her foot up onto the sink, the adrenaline and desire causing her to be more flexible than she would be on any normal occasion. She pulls up her pant leg and makes five, deep scattered cuts on her shin. She breathes in deeply. Everything is alright, everything is just fine…
"mmm… I want you, oh god mmm…" Craig moans into Ellie's ear as she sucks on his jawbone. The intense make out session is suddenly aggressive and he grasps her thighs and violently thrusts her onto the bathroom countertop. He forces his hands up her skirt, hungrily pulling at her panties and fishnet.
"Craig…" She says, he thinks in ecstasy.
"yes.." he says as he viciously sucks and nibbles her neck and collarbone. She reaches down and tries to pull his hands away from her skirt. He is drunk with desire. His hands go from her skirt to her snap front shirt and in one swift movement he unsnaps the entire front and greedily gropes her breast when he is suddenly shot backwards into the opposite wall. He is shocked and she is buttoning her shirt.
"What's wrong, what'd I do?" he asks
"You're going way to fast. I was trying to get you to stop, I'm fine with making out, I'm fine with cuddling, but that's as far as it goes." She says adjusting her panties and skirt.
"I wish you would have told me." He says desperately trying to calm himself.
"I did, several times actually but you never really seemed to be listening. You do that a lot. I'm a Christian Craig. I want to be abstinent… not just because God wants me to, but because I want a relationship that's more than sex. I want this to work." She says. He is speechless. He had no idea.
"How long have you been a Christian?" He asks.
"Since I was ten, and I renewed my faith after I started counseling." She says. She had told him most of this before. It seemed that he always had something better to listen to.
"I know that you believe in God, but that you don't like organized religion. I listened when you told me about that. I also know that your favorite colors are red and blue. Your favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, you love The Strokes and think The Vines are overrated. You cried when you saw Nirvana's MTV Unplugged because it was Kurt's last ever performance. You hate alligators because the person that came to tell you that your mom was dead had an alligator tattoo on his arm and all that you can relate to them is your mother's death. I listen Craig, I always listen I care about what happens to you and what has made you, you. I love you Craig, but I don't feel a damn thing from you!" She yells.
"I listen to you." He says.
"What's my favorite band, Green Day or Saves the Day?" She asks taking a step closer to her.
"Green Day." He says as though he is certain.
"Hmm… nice guess considering I hate them both! I'm done, it's over." She says. She grabs his coat and throws it at him on his way out.
"Garbage! My favorite band is Garbage!" She yells then slams the door.
She crawls onto her bed and cries. She cries until her eyes hurt. Why. Why did he have to make her fall for him? Why did he have to be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time? Why did he have to look at her in that way, that way that made her heart melt?
Alone Alex walks down the street. Oh sweet Canada, it's almost summer and it's nice and warm during the days yet freezing at night. Her hands are deep in her coat pockets and she watches her breath leave her mouth. Every so often her hands brave the cold to pull a flask to her lips. She isn't sure where she is going. Just walking on the sidewalk, dimly lit with a strange yellow glow from the streetlights. She stops in shock at who she sees walking the opposite direction on the other side of the street. The girl stops when she sees her to, and tries to hide the brown paper bag covered bottle in her hand. She awkwardly waves. Alex gestures to the flask in her hand, still feeling somewhat ashamed of it, she knew that the girl couldn't judge her at that point. She crosses the street to meet up with her.
"Ellie Nash, tsk tsk… guess I can't judge." She says, not quite affected by the drink yet.
"I know… me either. I guess I needed a friend." Ellie says looking at the bottle.
"Well you have another now, let's go." She says taking another drink and changing directions.
A flask of Jack and a bottle of vodka later, Ellie and Alex are laughing hysterically, stumbling down the sidewalk, each with their arms thrust around the other's waist. There is no reason for them to be laughing, but that's just how it is when you get two tipsy love-scorned girls together. Every time that one of them loses balance, they laugh even harder. They eventually grow weary of their game and collapse an alley. Alex sits up against the brick wall of the building beside them, her legs all sprawled out in front of her. Ellie struggles to sit up against a chain link fence opposite of Alex sitting in much the same manner. Alex starts to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Ellie asks.
"My family is so fucked up!" She says still laughing.
"Why is that funny?" Ellie says, her speech very slurred.
"I don't know… everything is funny right now." She says still smiling and looking up at the stars.
"I shouldn't have drunk all that." Ellie says.
"Why not?" Alex says looking at her.
"Can we say 'predisposed'" She says. Alex knew vaguely of her mom, but most of what she knew was gossip.
"How bad is it?" She asks. It's strange how calmly they are discussing these issues, as though they had talked about it a hundred times when they had never really talked about it in detail with anyone.
Disenchanted lullabies, sing me yours and I'll sing you mine
Sing with me now
"I have to drag her to bed every night. Usually I have to hold her head up as she spews into the toilet. I'm getting pretty used to it though." She says.
"You shouldn't have to be used to it." Alex says seriously squeezing her ankle.
"I know. I know. Well what about you. I have a feeling that split eyebrow wasn't an accident." Ellie says pointing with a disobedient hand, you can tell that she is trying to really hard to keep it steady in the air.
"Well…" She starts, about to make her promise not to tell anyone. She looks into her eyes and somehow just knows that she can trust her.
"It's Chad. He hits my mom… and sometimes he hits me. One day I'm going to fight back and he's not going to know what hit him." She says as though she knows exactly what will happen.
"You shouldn't take that." Ellie says.
"It's complicated." Alex says, wobbly unsure body leaning towards Ellie and dragging her knees to her chest. It's too much effort and she lets them fall to the side.
"I'm in love with an inconsiderate boy." Ellie says.
"I'm in love with my best friend." She says as though she is trying to beat her.
"Marco? You're in love with Marco?" Ellie says in disbelief. Alex pauses for a moment.
"Yeah, Marco. I know it's wrong, he doesn't like girls… and he's so beautiful… and he'll never feel the same way but I love him… I love him so much." She says, unable to look Ellie in the face anymore.
"I've been there. You know of all of my friends, you understand me more than any of them. I don't tell you that enough I mean everyone thinks that Craig and Marco are my best friends, and I love them but you… you just fit me." Ellie says in that lovey drunk way.
"I'm the only one that fits you… and you fit me. Here." She says holding her hands out with the pinkies extended. Ellie wraps her pinkies around Alex's.
"We are making a pact… right now from now on it's me and you. No matter what we have each other's back and we can tell each other anything… agreed?" Alex says.
"Agreed!" Ellie confirms. They kiss their thumbs and laugh.
"I'm gonna ask you something personal and it will probably scare you I know that it would have me… god I don't even know how to say this." Ellie says.
"Just say it… you can say anything here." Alex says. Deep down she knew it was coming. She could tell in the way that she was suddenly so hot she thought that she might die. She could never have prepared herself for the words though.
"Are you a cutter?" Ellie asks. Alex is so shocked that she can't say anything.
"I, uh…" Alex starts but the words aren't coming out. Ellie stops her by grabbing her hands.
"It helps to just say it Alex trust me. I bet you've never said it out loud." Ellie says looking deep into the eyes that she was so familiar with, the ones that stared back at her every time that she looked in a mirror.
"No one knows… I've never said it before… I've never written it before. Oh my god I can't believe you know…" She says, scarcely able to breathe.
"Hey calm down. Say it Alex." Ellie says, Alex can't look at her.
"I don't know if…" She starts but her voice is too shaky to finish. Ellie is shocked to see her like this. She hardly recognizes the vulnerable, shattered girl that sits in front of her.
"You can say it, it's safe here." Ellie says scooting closer, getting a slight head rush, proving to her that she is still a bit tipsy.
"I…" Alex starts.
"I am a cutter." Alex says looking up at Ellie. Her face is almost emotionless save her eyes and the one tear that traces her cheek. Ellie's expression is a merge of concern and a proud smile.
"It's okay now…" Ellie says wiping the tear from her face. She spreads her legs apart and opens her arms. Alex crawls over and curls up against her friend who wraps her scarred arms around the shaking girl.
Alex had no idea that saying it and sharing it with someone would be so hard. She also had no idea that it would bring so much freedom and peace. It was as though she could finally breathe. There was just one problem. She still felt the desire to go home, pick up a razor blade, and tear apart her soul.
I may be scattered, a little shattered, what does it matter?
No one has a fit like I do
I'm the only one that fits you…