Memories Keep You Near

A/N: huhuhu! I'm done school!...for this term anyway. I have school again in January... and I still have an exam next Saturday for Chinese History, and a project to hand in for Creative Writing due next Wednesday. :P but besides that I'm done.

Hopefully I can party tonight. -woot-

Chapter 7

Following Soriyah's advice and askance for Hitomi to visit the castle, reaching past the garden for the first time in a few weeks, and of course, visiting Van, she gave in. Unable to deny Van's wishes anymore and unable to deny her own need to be in his presence, she felt it was high time to pay a visit to him, especially since she felt a little more invited in the matter than during prior visits.

The whole situation was still incredible strange to her, and she wasn't quite sure what was happening yet, unable to wrap Soriyah's bazaar ideas around her head as it was. She wondered briefly if the young queen has a bit of madness in her family, as she must be a little bit off her rocker to allow the whole thing to occur.

Hitomi knew that if she were in the same situation, the whole thing would be going completely different. She wondered if Soriyah's allowance of it was simply stemmed from her being a better human-being. Or simply did it stem from something completely different? Those thoughts only led to strange theories on the matter. Everything from a questioning of Soriyah's sexuality to a deep suspicion routed in conspiracy at the crown.

Either way, all she knew was to live life day by day. And today she'd planned on visiting Van.

That plan was drastically severed completely as she'd gotten prepared to leave towards the castle with Merle. She'd stood from her chair near the window, where she'd been perched while Merle had attempted to make her hair look presentable. She'd stood so quickly she got a huge bout of vertigo which promptly caused her to pass out for a few moments on the bedroom floor. When she woke up Celena was hovering over her while Merle rushed to ready cloth to put on her forehead.

They both said it seemed she had a fever, and when Celena offered her a bit of cheese and bread, Hitomi had suddenly started to vomit at the very smell of the strong cheese, and she felt sure she was poisoned or something.

Anyway, as she was bent over a chamber pot, wishing with all her might that she could feel better but at the same time wished to just die to end it all -- she was feeling rather dramatic -- Merle returned from the castle with a few of Soriyah's chamber maids who swept her off to bed immediately and began to do all sorts of weird tests on her.

She didn't realize what was going on, so disorientated and annoyed with people poking around her body, until one of the maids pleasantly informed her that she was pregnant, and upon leaving -- Hitomi was too shocked to say anything -- handed her something on parchment which Hitomi promptly placed on her bedside table.

And soon completely forgot about.

It wasn't until she was feeling a little bitter and had managed to stomach down some food that she made her way up to the palace, much to Merle and Celena's annoyance, who insisted she stay in bed as if she were months and months pregnant. Hitomi figured she must be a few months in already, and had been to caught up in the whole mess with Soriyah and Van that she hadn't noticed she was late.

She felt like such an idiot.

She felt even more an idiot when she realized the repercussions of this. Right when she'd come to some sort of understand -- as strange as it may be -- with Soriyah...

As she lay in bed with the chamber pot at her side if she need it, with Merle and Celena off somewhere else, Hitomi was left to her own thoughts all day, and none of which were very pleasant.

She contemplated keeping the information from Van, but figured it wouldn't stay secret for very long, and if he were to find out she'd rather he hear it from her. The ones that had attended her had been Soriyah's own nurse maids, the ones that tended to the queen during her brief pregnancies and took care of her during the miscarriages. The probably knew about the affair, and would tell Soriyah and Soriyah, considering certain things and the openness she seemed to have with Van, might tell him.

She bit her lip at the thought.

She wanted to be the one to tell him, despite what the outcome may be.

The outcome couldn't ever possibly be good, so she was feeling sick to her stomach from nervousness as she wondered slowly down the hallway leading to Van's room.

It wasn't very late, but when she arrived at his door and had pushed it open -- too nervous to even think to knock -- she found no candles lit in his room and could hardly make out anything around her. Squinting through the dark she picked her way through his room, past a pile of his clothes he'd left on the middle of the floor, around a chair that had been placed under the chandelier, probably so he could blow out the candles there before retreating to bed and around a water pitcher which nearly got knocked over as her toe bumped it.

As she got closer to his bed the moonlight from the double moons filtering through the windows allowed enough light to see by, and she was able to make out his outline on the bed.

He lay in the very center on his side, facing the window and his capital, one hand under his head, the other loosely across his hip. The blankets were only pulled up to his waist and she noticed he was shirtless, his dark chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm that showed he was sleeping.

She'd never thought of Van as much of a deep sleeper, but after coming to Gaea again, and since there was no war to worry about, she found that Van slept deep and long when able. Much to her happiness, he was also one of those quiet sleepers that did not snore or move around much.

She smiled adoringly at him through the darkness as she inched closer to the bed, her knees making contact with the soft fabric of his sheet and comforter as she leaned forward to get a good look at his face, illuminated by the light outside.

He looked so much younger asleep. His unruly hair falling into his face. His mouth partially open. Face relaxed, void of the normal, small tick between his eyebrows that was there during stressful days. Dark eyebrows not arched in any expression, and dark eyelashes that pressed lightly against tanned, unblemished cheeks.

She found herself hoping for a child that resembled him more than her.

She was about to turn and leave the room, not wanting to disturb him, but he stirred on his own accord, his legs sliding under the blankets into a different position, and the hand at his side buried itself in the front of his hair. The pendent, previously tucked away somewhere rolled into sight along the sheets at his side, a gold chain connecting it to his body. She realized the chain was thicker than when she gave it to him, and wondered if the last one had broke.

Grinning to herself, she slowly slid onto the bed beside him, not really sure if she was welcome there but needing to be there.

The more time she spent with him, the more being in his presence felt like breathing. She needed to be with him like she needed oxygen, and she felt pathetic and horribly silly to think it. She wondered when she became this way. When did she start relying so much on Van? During the war? When they were apart? She knew she already relied on him upon her return, and wasn't quite sure where the love she had for him was altered into something much more crucial to her existence.

She gave up a life. An education. A family. All to be with Van. And she felt no guilt about it, only self loathing at herself for making such a huge mess out of things that could have been left the way they were.

She could have left Gaea long ago. She'd been here for months and months now. Each as agonizing as the last.

Yet... here she sat. At his side.

She felt tears sting her eyes, thinking about Soriyah's words. About her pregnancy. About Soriyah's miscarriages and about all three of them thinking so naively that they could live together. In a quiet utopia built on the base of love. A stupid thought.

Curling down onto the bed, she pressed herself into his back as she felt tears squeeze past eyes she'd slammed tight to prevent their escape. Her face pressed in between the smooth skin between his shoulder blades. Her forehead and nose pressed against broad muscles and the feel of his spin under all that. He was warm and just as comfortable as always, and at her touch he awoke and stirred again, a tired grumble escaping him in the form of her name.

She loved him even more. He knew it was her, not Soriyah, simply by her touch.

He turned towards her, staying encircled in her arms as she did not release him and did not wish to. She hoped he could not see the remains of tears as he tilted his head back onto the pillow and looked at her... simply... looked at her. She smiled. "Sorry to wake you up."

"Don't be sorry for it." He reached up a hand to brush some hair from her face after Hitomi shifted her arms down to her front, her hands pressed into his chest before sliding around his neck. "I missed you."

"Your wife kissed me yesterday."

His eyebrows shot up under his bangs, and he shifted his head up to get a better look at her face, smiling upon finding her smile. "Did she now?"

She realized he thought she was kidding. "It wasn't a very long kiss... nothing romantically inclined..." 'I don't think', "but I think it means we're ok? I think."

He seemed to realize she was telling the truth and was no frowning. Not in an angry way, just... in a confused manner. "That's a lot of 'I think'."

She shrugged. "While... she's quite weird actually. I don't really understand what's going on, but I think she wants me to stay with you."

"She told me that already." He was looking at her strangely now before he ducked his head and let his nose brush against the sensitive part of her neck, laying small kisses there. "She didn't tell me anything about a kiss though." So they did talk quite openly together. It made her feel slightly jealous, and wondered at why it didn't make her angry as well.

Hitomi closed her eyes a moment, relishing in the feel of his hot breath against her collar bone, and the feeling of his lips drifting across her skin before she was able to gather herself together and lightly push him away, a hand against his chest.

He looked at her in question before sliding away, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at her. "What is it?"

"I don't really understand what's going on. I mean... I don't think everything is perfectly fine. It may never be... but..." She took a deep breath, feeling suddenly like backing out and wondering if it wasn't too late to go to Asturia to live or something before she realized that would only make Van mad at her.

Especially when he found out about the baby.

"Hitomi?"

She didn't realize she'd been staring at him saying nothing until he spoke, brushing hair from her eyes.

"I'm pregnant."

He stopped in the motion of tucking hair behind her ear, only for a second, but it was an obvious pause and she felt suddenly horrible, but thankful he didn't stop all together, thinking that might be a worse sign.

"When did you find out?" His voice was quiet. Not angry. So she took that as a sign to answer.

"Today actually... I must be a few months in. I sort of blacked out in the cottage earlier and then got sick." She wrinkled her nose at the memory of her supper from the night before scratching up her throat. "I wanted to tell you before you heard it from somewhere else." Then she quickly added, "I realize this is really bad, I-"

He cut her off with a hand to her mouth as oppose to a kiss like she'd seen in movies and read about. The hand seemed much more real, and much more Van than she could handle and she suddenly felt tears come to her eyes. Upon noticing this, Van quickly removed his hand. "Please don't cry, Hitomi."

"I've wrecked everything." She felt horribly stupid now.

"Last time I've checked it takes two to make a baby." A sardonic smile came to his face and she felt she would slap him if she weren't so confused.

"Van!" She sat up, causing him to move aside quickly as she glared down at him. "This isn't a joke!" She sat back a little. "What are we going to do?"

He propped himself back up on his elbows, and Hitomi found -- despite the situation -- it quite attractive. "What do you mean, what are we going to do?"

"I mean, Van," she bit his name out, "what are we going to do about the fact your mistress is pregnant."

His smile disappeared and she thought it was because he'd come to realize the situation, when it fact it was for something completely different. "Don't call yourself that."

She made a sound of disgust. "It's what I am."

He sat up completely now. "Don't call yourself that."

She bit her lip to keep herself from saying something else.

"If I had any choice in the matter I would be with you in a second."

She felt herself flush. Not at the words, but at the way he said it. She loved the way he said things like that to her. With so much power and so much truth behind them.

...Like when he told her he loved her for the first time.

They'd been out in the garden together. He had snuck out because of Soriyah. Hitomi had been out in the first place, unable to sleep. Unable to think of anything besides Van being married. She'd only been there for a few days and hadn't given any thought to actually staying despite everything. It wasn't until a week later, and much contemplation she decided to not return to Earth right away.

She guessed she was still holding some small chance.

She'd been sitting on the grass when he came and sat beside her. It was then that he told her about the treaty the council had fixed with Soriyah's father. How this connection was important to the trade in Fanalia and how it had helped to build Fanalia into a stronger nation. He'd told her though, that when it came to this, all he cared about what having Hitomi there, and that if he could, he would leave Soriyah, all to be with Hitomi.

It was when she looked at him in shock and confusion that he'd admitted his feelings. The "I love you" that always took her breath away when it came to him. His voice was sure, but the look on his face wasn't, and she'd had to wrap her arms around him in reassurance and whispered it in his ear before he relaxed.

That was the first time they'd touched after she'd found out about the marriage.

She had no idea how far everything would go.

He sighed, as if getting control of his thoughts before speaking again. "Do you want the baby?"

She couldn't deny it. "Yes... I want to share anything with you."

His eyes lit up, but his face remained serious. "Then have the baby."

"But-"

"I'll take care of everything." He suddenly sounded exhausted, and she felt tears come to her eyes again. For him, not because of him.

Carefully, as if he could break, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer to her. He rested his forehead on her shoulder and looped an arm around her back while the other sought out her hand, pulling one arm loose from around him to clasp tightly.

"I love you." She made it come out with just as much truth and power to it as he normally would, running her fingers through his hair before laying her chin on the top of his head. His breath fell across her collar bone and she was happy she was wearing a thin, simple dress as it allowed her to feel closer to him.

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A/N: I was going to have more stuff happen in this chapter. More scenes, but I realized how long this once scene took up. -laughs- well, that's convenient. It allows me to write more chapters :P

review please!