1A/N: Chapter is a bit transitory but if you read carefully, there is plenty here that really isn't said but is abundantly clear. I don't feel like saying much so enjoy this quick update to the best of your ability.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, but hey, I think we all knew that already
Trying To Do the Right Thing
Chapter 15
By: Finalitylife
Robin P.O.V:
What truly separates reality from the realms of nightmares? When one gets down to it, there's not a whole lot of difference. All the nightmares I've ever had are simply replays of the darkest memories of my past or are simply future possibilities that have not come to fruition yet, though in my experience, almost all of them have. It is a chilling thought to know that those things which frighten me the most have a knack for coming into existence, just like when Raven's unexpressed fear turned the tower into a house of horror all those months back. However, back then, we never were in any true danger, more or less just inconvenienced, but now...but now the nightmares are finding a way to draw breathe in my life once more, and I am far more afraid now then I have ever been before.
I knew I had fallen asleep with Raven holding me as I cried, something I never thought would ever happen in a million years. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Of course I never thought that would have happened either, but it did. Life always finds a away to be interesting, whether I want it to be or not. I don't know how long I slept for, though it was more passing out from physical and emotional exhaustion than actual asleep, but I did wake up, strangely enough from long purple hair brushing against my face, tickling my nose. I get the feeling it is still not time to be awake as no one has come into the med lab to check on either of us yet. The lights remain off, almost no sound in the air, except my barely audible breathes and her gentle breathing. There is no more pain in my body, no more aches and no more cuts. I know who I have to thank for that even though I do owe Cyborg a large debt of gratitude for making it possible to still be here. However, the one I know I need to thank for these miraculous, pain-free moments is lying curled up in my arms on a bed barely large enough for one person, sleeping peacefully.
When or how we ended up in this position I don't know but I do know that I can't make myself move to wake her and I can't make myself loosen my grip around her tiny body. Her back is against my chest, there is absolutely no room in between us. Of course, that was more the result of the small bed than anything...I think. I manage to pick my head up ever so slightly and ever so carefully so that I can gaze at her face and I find myself smiling contently. She no longer appears lifeless to me but rather I can see her lips curved up the smallest bit in a tiny smile of peacefulness, a peacefulness she seems to radiate as well, something I haven't felt from her truly in a long time.
However, I am not naive enough to believe that peace will last, the events of yesterday still far to blatant and absolute in my mind. There are so many questions and so little answers, and for some reason, I feel even less time. I heard Raven's words last night, as she told me that nothing was my fault and hearing it so gently and so warmly from her, I so badly wanted to believe that, but I just can't let myself do that, the reality within my nightmares will never let me believe that. Raven shifts every so slightly in my arms, seemingly trying to get closer to me which simply was not possible. She eventually settles into what seems as a more comfortable position for her as her tiny smile grows just a little bit. Her long hair shifted away from her face, revealing one of her ears. I stare at it for a few seconds and for the first time, realize Raven does not have her ears pierced. Such a simple thing that even the great detective did not notice. I guess it made sense. Raven was not flashy, never wore jewelry except for the one piece that never left her forehead, which was simply a part of her, so why would she have her ears pierced. It is such a strange thing to be pondering at this very moment, something that I just can't help but realize as my thoughts drift to the fact that Raven had cute ears. Such peaceful moments I know to be fleeting.
I study every inch of Raven's face carefully and stop as I settle on her eyelids, hiding the beautiful amethyst jewels that are just one of Raven's many unique and stunning traits. However, the image of her head and lifeless eyes and the guilt intertwined completely with them hits me, and I feel my body shiver ever so slightly, closing my own, unmasked eyes to try and gain control. Eventually, I settle down and am amazed Raven has not moved in response to my movement but just as I was exhausted, I somehow know my healing took a lot out of her as well. She is so selfless, I think more so than any of the other Titans, though most would believe Starfire or I had that honor.. As I think the Tamaranian Princess's name I can't help but realize how little I've thought of her recently, her presence completely slipping from my mind when she isn't visually in my presence. I remember a time when every waking thought was about her, when the Titans were still very young, and then came Slade, and my thoughts left her just that easily. Now Slade has returned, yet I find my thoughts are not completely about him or Starfire, but are almost entirely dominated by the dark angel beside me.
I reluctantly and very hesitantly remove my top arm from around Raven and I almost am positive I see her face pout but I'm probably just seeing things. I reach for my discarded mask and place it back over my eyes, once again hiding myself away from the world. I placed my arm back around Raven, settling back in for sleep, but not before making a silent vow to myself. No matter what was to come, no matter what I would face, I would protect her. I was truly willing to give everything that I was, suffer far worse than I did in that last battle, even to die, to make sure that Raven will always be safe and maybe one day, even be loved as she so truly deserves.
I felt a very cold hand nudging me that I somehow knew belonged to Cyborg. I let out a small groan as I had been so comfortable in my sleep which didn't happen very often. I quickly realized I was sprawled out on the entire bed, no one in my arms, no one beside me. My eyes slowly opened to find a very concerned looking Cyborg hovering above me.
"What's going on?" His look told me I should be in leader mode and I did my best to get into it.
"Well I was hoping you could tell me. Do you have any idea where Raven is?" I blink underneath my mask a few times.
"You don't know where she is?" I do my best to hide the great amount of concern in my voice and Cyborg doesn't seem to notice.
"Well she's not in the bed I left her in and she's not answering when I knock at her door and the tracking on her communicator doesn't seem to be working so no, I don't know where she's at. Its not like her to just disappear like this when she knows how worried we all are about her. She at least lets us know she's okay before vanishing to meditate. I sit up quickly, Cyborg raising his human eyebrow at the ease that I accomplish that movement and I am no longer in a sling, though he doesn't say anything as he can see my face locked in deep contemplation. Of course he does not know that in a way, I am trying to will the connection between me and Raven back into existence, so that I can simply feel where she is, and know she is safe. However, nothing happens, and I feel myself grimace in slight frustration.
I knew she couldn't be in the tower because Cyborg's security would have picked up her heat signature even if she was simply locked away in her room, simply refusing to answer the door for whatever good reason she probably had. I slowly stood up to my feet for the first time since I was put into this bed, feeling a few joints pop in response to this newly attainted vertical position. I do a quick stretch to get all the kinks out as Cyborg simply stands there waiting for me to say something. After a silent few seconds, he notices a small, knowing smile grace my face, and nods knowing that I somehow know where she is.
"Cy, how come you didn't bother to check in the most obvious spot for Raven, you know, the place she spends the most time meditating other than her room." Cyborg has a thoughtful look on his face before obvious realization hits him.
"On the roof! Why the hell didn't I think of that? I guess I really do need more recharging if I didn't even think to walk up there. Taking tare of you two birds takes a lot out of a guy." I smile placing my hand on his shoulder.
"And don't you forget just how much I appreciate it Cy. You saved me life and for that, I owe you a debt beyond simple value. Anything you ever need, just let me know." He returns the smile
"Man, you've saved all our butts plenty of times so don't worry about." He stops suddenly, a thought forming in his head.
"Actually, you can make it up to me by explaining to me what happened yesterday. What happened to Raven? Why did Slade go after her and what did he do to her?" I can hear the brotherly tone of concern in Cyborg's voice but all I can do is stand quietly, seething just a little bit, confused all the same.
"I don't know Cy...I just don't know but when I find out, you'll be the first I let know." He nods as I begin to walk away. "And right now, I'm going to go talk to Raven and hopefully get some understanding." I walk past him and get a few feet away before I hear him clear his throat to get my attention and I glance back, eyes widening for a second at the scene. He stands looking at me with a very strange look on his face as he holds up a very long piece of purple hair that he pulled from the pillow on my bed.
"Care to explain this one Rob?"
"Uhm...actually, I'd prefer not to Cy, if that's not to much of a problem." I see him mull over the words for a second before responding.
"Alright man, just as long as your not doing anything stupid, I won't push the issue."
"Thanks Cy." We give each other one last look before I leave the med room with a strong sense of necessity to get to the roof. I move rapidly toward my destination, completely aware of the fact that I feel physically better right now than I've felt in probably weeks. I somehow know that is the result of Raven's power, it having done more than simply heal my severe wounds, but also serving to give back my waning energy. I feel like I have an extra spring in my step and I only wish I had the time to do something more fun, more relaxing, than going to find Raven to stir up yesterday's memories to find some answers, answers that I know I needed but somehow know didn't truly want.
I finally made it to the roof, opening the door as sunlight hit me, causing me to wince slightly at the bright, warm light I hadn't seen for awhile. My vision quickly cleared and my eyes landed on the target of my search, exactly where I knew she would be. Near the ledge of the building, hovering just off the ground was Raven, wrapped tightly in a new cloak, her back to me, no visible movement from her form. I watched her for a few seconds before finally walking forward, slowly yet making no attempt to hide my steps as I was not trying to sneak up on her. I knew that she knew I was there, could always feel me when I was very close because of her empathic abilities, yet she made no effort to acknowledge me. My feet eventually came to a rest directly next to the floating young woman, though I did not turn to look at her nor did I say anything. Our two beings simply were there, both of us waiting...for what, I really don't know, though I think neither of us wanted to ruin the peaceful, warm moment with the conversation we both knew we needed to have. I needed answers and Raven, well Raven had completely other intentions.
"How are you feeling Raven?"
"As good as to be expected." I quickly scanned her voice, finding nothing to betray what she was feeling right now. It was her normal, emotionless droning which I had actually forgotten what it sounded like for a second as it had been a while since she chose to use that tone with me. I don't know why but hearing her voice like that caused me almost to cringe for a second.
"You gave Cyborg quite the scare disappearing from the med lab. You really should have let him know you were coming up here, especially...especially after everything that has happened."
"I am aware of that." Again, she seems almost dismissive of my words and I find myself slowing getting frustrated.
"I'm just saying, with Slade back none of us can be too careful."
"Indeed." I grit my teeth as I finally turn toward her.
"Is there any reason that you are choosing to be difficult Raven?" Her head slowly turns toward me, her eyes gazing out from under her hood and I quickly notice that her eyes look hardened, slightly cold. It is unnerving to see and I feel my heart clench slightly at receiving that look.
"I have no idea what you are talking about Robin. This is how I always act." It is a very strange response and I find myself with no response to her words or that look. I turn back to gazing out toward the bay, again silence is our choice of conversation. Eventually, I again try to talk.
"Well at least let me tell you how sorry I am Raven, for not being able to protect you yesterday. Slade is and always will be my responsibility and I am truly sorry for bringing you into my conflicts." I can almost feel her cringe at my apology and she finally responds with some emotion, annoyance and something else that I can't identify.
"I told you last night Robin that none of this was your fault. Did you think I was lying to you?" I opened my mouth to respond but again no words came out.
"Raven...its just that..." She cuts off my slight stuttering at looks at me again from under her hood and this time there is conviction in her eyes.
"Robin, I need you to...you need to understand what happened was not your fault. Nothing you or anyone could do could have stopped what happened on my birthday so please, let go of this guilt and stop doing this to yourself. You don't deserve it. I am the guilty one." Her last words are barely said above a whisper as she turns back away from me and I for some reason I just want to take her into my arms right now though I resist that desire.
"I'm sorry Raven, I simply cannot do that. I just can't."
"I am sorry as well Robin but I guess it really doesn't mean a lot from me because as of this moment, I am no longer a Titan. I'm quitting the team Robin...I'm leaving." I feel like all the air and energy was sucked from my body in an instance and I find my face locked in one of total disbelief as a small hand extends from under the folds of her cloak handing back to me her communicator, making it clear that this is really indeed happening. I stare at the communicator, then her face again, back at the communicator before again landing squarely on her eyes, which are still filled with that strong conviction. This all feels completely surreal to me. I came to find some answers, not for this...never for this. I remember when I first placed that communicator into her hand which had been even smaller back then, how she had completely flinched when I had accidently touched her hand with mine, as if she had been completely shocked to feel human contact. She was the first to ever hold that sign of the Titans and I knew I simply couldn't let it fall back into my hands.
"No Raven." My voice comes out weak and I hate the sound of it. I steel myself, drawing deep within myself for something more and this time my voice comes out strong, defiant. "No Raven, I won't let you leave. Not when there is so much danger out there."
"This is not your choice to make Robin, it is mine. You can either accept it or not, it doesn't matter because I am leaving regardless."
"I don't understand Raven, why now, why would you leave now?" I find my voice having the slightest bit of hysteria in it and again I berate myself in my mind for not sounding more confidant. She breaks contact with my gaze for a second before meeting it again strongly though her voice is a little softer now.
"Robin...I know you would understand my reasoning because we are both very similar, both know what the right thing to do is, both know the importance of those we care about but I simply can't explain everything. It is simply best that you never know the truth.
"Bullshit Raven. I have the right to know. I'm your leader dammit." Something flashes through her eyes at my last comment, as it gave her slight pain to here those words but again her eyes harden as they look upon my face.
"You are not my leader anymore." She places the communicator in my hand, forcing my hand to close around it with her own. The contact is brief yet still finds a way to be comforting and I truly miss the contact when its gone. She turns away from me and floats a few feet away but then stops.
"There are things that should never be understood Robin, frightening and terrible things about me." I wanted to say something but I couldn't will myself to do it. It was if I knew this could be the last time I ever hear her voice and I didn't want to interrupt that moment. "When I said none of this is your fault, I truly mean that as undeniable and unyielding truth. This is my fault, always has been, always will be. My past is returning, my personal demons rising again, and because of that, I must go."
"Please Raven, don't go. I just don't understand..." Again I feel shame at how pathetic I am sounding, but really all I know is how totally and completely it hurts to watch her leaving the team...and me." Her head turns one last time toward me and I see so much in those amethyst eyes, including so much pain. Her voice that comes out is no longer cold or full of conviction, but rather it is full of defeat, reminding me of my nightmare and all I want to do is scream out to her though I can not do it.
"I hope...I really do hope you never truly understand Robin because I don't think I could handle how you would look upon me if you truly understood just what I am." Those final sad words and she flew away, no longer a Titan, but still completely in my thoughts and my heart.
Reviewer Responses:
BigBlackWoman: As always thanks for the review but sometimes a simple thank you is never enough to show the appreciation I have to my reviewers.
evilsangel: Come on now, you've read enough of my work to know nothing ever goes easy so why would that change. Here's a quick update to make up for the long layoff before so lets hope it goes well.
Cherry Jade: Its always good to have a few followers though I think this chapter will be a little less exciting than you would have liked but it had to be that way, plot development and all so lets just see how quick you are to pick the torch back up. I mean with your addiction to his story, I guess it would be bad to just kill off all the characters next chapter and end the story wouldn't it but I doubt that will happen. I have a feeling you'll be bouncing off the walls in a few chapters, actually I can almost guarantee that so I hope, for your sake, I can some fast updates.
Spiderbob: The nightmare was fun to write and I'm glade it seemed to make all the points and emotions I intended it to. I find I am amazingly good at writing nightmare scenes and for the life of me, I have no idea why that is. Anyways, as I'm sure your aware this chapter was a bit slower but it kind of had to be for the purpose of the story but things will always get better as far as Im concerned. Thanks for the review and should have another chapter out sometime this week.
ravenslair: Thanks for the review and as I'm sure you noticed, Robin is still quite confused about everything, but really, what's the fun in having all the questions answered so quickly. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one should be out rather quickly. Let's hope all my ideas find a way to come together.
MyChemSweetie:Yeah it has been a while since I've gotten a review from ya and as always, thanks for such a kind, enthusiastic review as well as the recommendations you give to your friends to read my work. Its good to know more people are out there reading these stories I create. Confusing the titles isn't all that strange, cuz lets be honest, almost all my stories pretty much have interchangeable titles when you get down to it. Each title would work for each story in a way. Anyways, thanks and hope this chapter met the high standards you seem to hold my work to. Peace.
storiestotell: Welcome to the party. Always nice to see a new reviewer and glad you've found the story as interesting as I intended it to be. Hope you've caught up with reading the story so far and enjoyed this newest chapter.