a/n- ok so i basically wrote like three paragraphs about my feelings on tonights episode but i decided it was a little much so i decided to condense it. here we go...I loved it.(except for lorelai's iloveyousomuch.) knitathon return to crazy town festivals :) Chris killing it so funny, he obviously doesn't understand stars hollow, or Lorelai, why doesn't she see that? luke holding baby adorable..you just pictured him holding him and lorelai's baby...anna got what she deserved from luke...finally!..nxt week ahhhhhh omg! i can't wait, how cute did him and lorelai look together when she was holding the baby? and fight! yes!I just have effectively decided that the way the show is going its definitely headed towards an LL reuinion so sry to all the Loristofer (haha just made that up) fans who were hoping for something different. from day one they have been brewing this LL romace stuff and in my opinion if you think Chris is better for Lorelai than Luke is you have obviously never seen the show before season six. okay srry for this overly long rant however i am extremely excited and DR i have placed my trust back in you, don't blow it.

responses to some of the reviews at the end of chapter

disclaimer- um i don't own anything. and i also wanted to apologize someone brought up that last chapter i was like..um chris was watching football and he yelled at the umpire-. okay im sorry obviously i don't watch football. but i do root for the yankees every year at the superbowl- haha just kidding, that was my joke of the day. ok read now.

Chapter 10: Because I'm Lonely Now...and I don't know how to get It back To Good (matchbox20, thanks

The minute Lorelai heard the door shut behind her she regretted that she had walked there because all she wanted was to go to sleep, but now she would have to walk all the way home with only her thoughts to comfort her. Thoughts that again had proven to be way to dangerous to be left alone with.Crap. she thought.Just when I get my life back to a happy-ish place-She stopped herself.Was she happy with christopher? Did it really matter anymore?

If she was honest with herself she would know that she hadn't been happy in a very very long time. She hadn't been happy since Luke had started to push her out of his life. She had been devastated when she realized they would never get married. Her heart was crushed into a million pieces when he didn't stop her from leaving. She was broken beyond repair by the time Christopher opened his door that night. And she had meerly been existing through these past couple months. Like she was sitting in a corner passively watching as everything happened to her. She wasn't happy, no, but did she deserve to be happy? Even after how Luke had treated her towards the end, how he didn't tell her about April for two whole months, how he pushed Lorelai out of his life with her, how he forced her into a place where she couldn't even hold on anymore, she knew that she would never be happy without him. She knew that, and she also knew that Luke would never intentionally hurt her.

But there was hurt on both sides, she reminded herself. She felt a pain shoot through her head when she recalled her actions with Christopher the night that they had broken up. If it had been the other way around, if she had just gone home and Luke had gone to see Rachel or Nicole, and- she would have been devastated. How could she have thrown herself into a relationship with Christopher so suddenly? And then she remembered. She remembered feeling like she was loved. She had missed that. That infatuation, adoration, and lust that she had seen in Chris' eyes the night he told her that he would wait until he was eighty if thats what it would take. Feeling like she was wanted, she had needed that so badly.

The more she thought about Christopher, the more she thought about Lukes lips on her own, his hand in her hair, his tongue in her mouth. As much as it guilted and pained her she had missed that so much, had needed it miore than anything in the world, and had been starved of it for a very long time. The cold air numbed the tips of her ears, and tears stung at her eyes. She felt like she was having an out of body experience, but at the same time was trapped within her own. She had thrown everything she had into her relationship with Luke, she had given him everything that she had, and loved him more than anyone in the world except for Rory, and the moment he refused to elope with her she felt as though she had been rejected totally and completely by the first man she had ever really allowed to know her, and the only man she ever wanted to.

Luke had said it the night of their first official date. "I'm in, I am all in" his voice echoed in her head. She too, had allowed herself to go 'all in' and when she had lost she felt like everything was taken away from her. She climbed her porch steps and grasped for the cold door handle. How could she have done that? No matter how empty she had felt after she broke up with Luke, she never should have gone into a relationship with Christopher of all people knowing fully well that her heart still completely belonged to Luke. Lorelai figured that it must have been better to just exist with someone who loves you than to just exist alone, and that had been why she agreed to do it. But it had spiraled out of control, and it wasn't fair to anyone, especially Christopher. Worst of all, Lorelai had to bottle all of her feelings on the subject inside because she couldn't talk to Rory about something like this that had to do with Her dad. She would hate her for what she did tonight. Hands, Lips, Tongue. She held her breath as the moment forced its way into her conscience once again, and then it passed as she shut it back out.

As she walked into her house she heard a television on in the other room. She swore she had shut it off. As she slowly entered the living room she heard another noise, snoring? Christopher? He was sprawled out on her couch. She went over and quietly turned off the tv. Everytime she looked at Christopher she thought about Luke. Luke. Did he still love her? Did he need her the way that she needed him? The emotion and passion in Luke's kiss had overwhelmed her once again until there was a sudden interruption in the snore.

"Lor?" Chris asked.

"Hi.ya? Heh- Hey." She stuttered nervously. He looked at her questioningly, confused by his surroundings.

"Oh- I- em...I thought I would surprise you." Chris said tiredly.

"Oh." Lorelai made out.

"Surprise." He said lamely. Lorelai looked to the floor. She couldn't stand here anymore. She couldn't stand here knowing what she allowed herself to know now and thinking about what she was thinking about, knowing that she did what she did and had enjoyed it.

"are you...are you okay?" He asked her. Lorelai looked up and let him see her, really see her, see all the pain that had formed within her and had been pushed away and neglected for almost eight months now. "What's happened?" He asked nervously sitting up on the couch. Lorelai inhaled deeply, why was this so hard, how could she tell him?

"I-uh" She stuttered again, carefully choosing her next words but finding none. "Hm."

"Where were you it's like eleven?" He asked curiously but kindly, trying to find out what was bothering her.

"i was.." She questioned whether or not to tell him. She knew that if she didn't now, it would never come out. "i was at..Lukes." She said saying his name slowly watching as it sank in Chris's features. For some reason they did not seem pained or curious but instead filled with rage as he threw himself off the couch.

"What did he do to you?!" Chris yelled protectively.

"N-nothing chris calm down!" She said back quieter but sternly. "Where are you going?" She said in exasperation as he made his way towards the door.

"I'm gonna go over there and make him wish he was never born! what the hell! Your alone with him for two minutes and you come home looking like this!" Chris yelled angrily. "God damn it! that no good selfish son of a-"

"Chirstopher!" She yelled pulling him out of his rage and filled with shock at her anger with him. "Listen to me! You shouldn't be mad at him, its me okay! be mad at me! I went over there..I-"

"What did he do!" Chris asked sternly interrupting her for only a minute.

"I asked him to dance...I-I kissed him back" the tears spilled over her eyes while she continued. "I- knew what I was doing...I gave him an ultimatum when I knew he didn't like them..I never told him how I was feeling or why I was so sad..I "She sniffled back continuing on. "I knew that the minute I told him he would run to me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and he would...he would love and pay attention to me..I couldn't do that..that was selfish-that wouldn't be fair to him..to April- I " She choked on her words as tears she didn't even know she had left ran down her cheeks and she hugged her arms to her chest. "I walked away from him when all he was doing was trying to be a good dad! I went to your apartment that night knowing what would happen when I still.. I married you when..I cant- I don't-" She broke into tears wiping her face with her hands. She looked up to Chris who had pain throughout his face and she felt her throat close up and suddenly she was inaudible.

"Do you love him?" Chris asked her quietly after what seemed to be hours but really was only minutes of silence.

"Chris... " She pleaded with him, not wanting to hurt him any more.

"do you love me?" Chris asked her a little more sternly.

"I- I- please don't do this." She said looking into his eyes.

"DO YOU LOVE ME?!" Chris yelled at her angrily.

"NO!" She yelled back in shock. "no." She said with more finality but quieter. She put her fingertips to her mouth. Hands, tongue, lips. She broke from the memory, looked up and saw Chris' face. "Im sorry" She said in a tiny voice.

"Did you..ever?" Chris asked. She shook her slightly no, twisting the knife. "It's him?" He asked again just to be sure.

"this isn't- this was never a..contest..chris. I just- this...this isn't working..this isn't what I want." She said being honest with him for the first time in their relationship. Chris bit down his anger and his jaw bones jutted out, his fists clenching at his sides. "You have-every..right..to hate me..." She went on.

"Believe me, I know." Chris said before he turned around and slammed the door in her face, she felt as though a staple had just been ripped out of her heart. An instant shot of nausiating pain, and then...nothing. She fought through her tears to pry the silver ring past her knuckle, ripping it off as fast as she could and throwing it across the room. Second time this year..she reminded herself. She picked up her cell phone and climbed the stairs, burried herslf beneath her covers before she closed her eyes and went to sleep.

"Rory?" She asked in a small voice after she had dialed familiar numbers the next morning, sniffling back her tears.

"Mom, what's wrong?" She asked fear apparent in her voice.

"I'm sorry.." She apologized to her confused daughter. "I couldn't do it anymore..." She made out. Because they were practically the same person it dawned on Rory exactly what her mom was talking about.

"I'll be right there" Rory stated before she hung up the phone. A few hours later Rory was laying next to her mother in bed as Lorelai stared up at the ceiling recounting the day before.

"so we were just dancing, more like swaying actually, and then I just- I'm sorry this is weird." Lorelai told her daughter.

"Mom you need to talk to me. I, I just want you to be happy, whatever that means for you." Rory said.

"But it's not wierd that-" Lorelai started.

"Mom, it's okay, I promise please continue, leave nothing out" Rory instructed.

"Okay so we kinda, well I sorta, leaned in, and i we-" she stuttered.

"Mom!" Rory said impatiently

"Kissed."Lorelai stated. Rory unintentionally smiled, but quickly hid it.

"once?" Rory asked trying to avoid the details but this was a necessary question. Lorelai looked helplessly guilty. "more than once." Rory deduced.

"and then i just, I had to go, I mean what I was feeling, how could I have, i- and all these feelings just came rushing back at me from somewhere in the back of my head, and just-i didn't know what to, so I. I told him sorry and I got out of there. But then Chris was here." She went on, letting tears slide down her cheek as she did so. After a long detailed conversation Rory finally asked the question that had been bugging her for a long time now.

"So do you still love him?" Rory asked already knowing the answer but wondering if her mom would admit it.

"so much it hurts." She admitted out loud. "I mean, it's not like I broke up with Chris for him, you know, it's not like I'm just expecting Luke to forgive me for everything and carry me off into the sunset. I had to tell Christopher, I had to , and it had to end with him because it wasn't fair." Rory nodded her agreement. "I just- in that moment I knew that I shouldn't have been there, I shouldn't be kisssing him, but I- I had to. I can't explain it but it was like i needed him, I just- despite every thing I was angry at him for-" She wiped her face off "Despite how he treated me, what I did to him, I can't picture my life without him. I can't breathe without him..and it's been so hard..." She started to cry harder and Rory stroked her hair softly.

"Mom..." She said softly trying to calm her down.

"It's like every other guy in the world I have been able to get over. I just throw on my spongebob pajama pants and devour a tub of brownie batter ben & jerry's while watching sleepless in seattle and boom, I start to move on. I can't move on from him Rory, I tried, I got married! it doesn't work! He's it Rory- and I don't know what to do, I am so sick of pretending, I am so sick of acting like I'm okay!"

"Shhh" She soothed her mom. "mom you really need to talk to him."

"it's not that easy." Lorelai said.

"But what if it is?" Rory countered.

"how could he possibly trust me ever again after what I did to him?" Lorelai asked.

"Because he feels everything that you do mom! He's been there for us, forever, and can't you see how hard it must have been for him to be around you knowing that you were with christopher? that you were married to chris? But he was, he was there for you, and he was your friend. Because he needs you just like you need him" she explained. "Yes, you guys had problems, and yes you need to talk about them and work them out, but you also need eachother. So talk to hm."

"uhhh..I just need some rest."Lorelai groaned closing her eyes.

"okay, just think about what I said." Rory said kissing her mom's head.

"Okay mom." Lorelai mocked as Rory rolled her eyes playfully and shut the bedroom door behind her.

A couple of nights later Lorelai was sitting on her couch 'watching' tv once again. Christopher had left her an email about filing for a divorce. An email. Her head pounded with stress.A couple of years ago she was that girl who couldn't keep a man, and here she was once again. But this was different, now she knew the man that she wanted to keep, but she didn't know if he wanted her to want to keep him. Rory was right, she needed to talk to Luke, she needed to know what he was thinking She looked jumped off the couch and threw on her jacket, not bothering to change out of her spongebob pajama pants she had put on yesterday in her half-assed attempt to pull herself together. She quickly glanced in the mirror on her way out, oh this should be fun, she thought sarcastically mocking her own appearance. She turned and opened the front door quickly, scaring the crap out of the man standing on the other side, who had been startled from his inner debate on whether he should knock or just leave the bag of food he was currently holding outside of her front door with a note.

Hey don't get too excited it's actually just the chinese food delivery guy. Jk. Haha. that would be mean. Ok so I no it was kind of short and there was NO ll interaction but be prepared because next chapter-well im not going to give it away. So i pretty much figured that ten chapters was long enough in my mind to drag out the whole Loristopher marriage, because ew. and so i ended it. ha. ha. I like having that power, plus it really made sense, that now would be when she would have a sort of epiphany and realize that she is still crazy in love with Luke and always will be. ok so please review..thanks..also im looking for a completely amazing song line or title to be used as a chapter title, and it should probably be really amazing..like really really amazing but im not giving anything away so i don't know if you can work with that. Okay thats it really. thanks.

responses...-

my10315-hey, thanks for all of your reviews i really appreciate them and im happy you like it so far. the song is She's Everything by Brad Paisley and I get all my stuff from itunes so i can't suggest anywhere sry. keep reading and reviewing!

Wish I was Mrs. Danes 117- thanks for the review..i definitely think you should continue I'll be seeing you..if not for me, for yourself. And remember just cuz people aren't reviewing it doesn't mean they aren't reading. That's so cool about the english class stuff! i wish i could just get an assignment thats like write a short story, everything i get is so specific i could never just work in one of my fics, i wish i could though, save me some time..anyway thanks again and don't even think about stopping ur fic! plus with ur whole only watching GG when theres ll interaction thing, next week looks like a watcher! enjoy!

Cinny72- hey, im so happy you liked last chapter, thanks for all of ur reviews, it makes me happy when people review every chapter because i know that your still reading and enjoying it when sometimes some people will like review one chapter and like stop after that and it kind of makes me go..um did i do something wrong?..because i don't know like their not reading anymore or something..um-anyway thanks for reviewing-i can't wait till next week!

and thanks to everyone else too! check out lyrics to Back 2 Good by matchbox 20, lorelai and chris's relationship anyone? ehem. another shout out to avesnovuelan for suggesting it.

pleasepleasepleaaaaseplease review! it really means alot, every one of them, thanks.

-javajunkieness-