Whooo update. I own nothing but the story. Reds, Zeki, Ranul, Summer, Nick and Per are all copyrighted to their original owners.
In the training room, where the four insert synonym for idiots here had followed Nick, their commander had showed them how to handle their guns. Of course, they tuned out every word he said except for the part about shooting. That was the one five seconds they actually listened. And then they tried to shoot Nick. Within moments, all chaos broke loose and a monster named Zeki with a gun was unleashed.
"Die, die, die, die!" Zeki cackled hysterically, using up all the bullets in her gun faster than Ranul could chug a drink. Summer was using her lazer gun properly, though her aim was off and she ended up breaking windows. Reds and Ranul just sat and watched the girls try to kill Nick, having already fired all the bullets in their guns. One of them probably would have used physical violence on Nick, but were too afraid to be caught in the crossfire of the guns. Especially Zeki's, mostly because her aim was worse than Summer's. Once the bullets in Zeki's gun were gone, she threw her gun down like it was useless and crossed over to where the two male moogles were sitting. Summer got lazy and sat down.
"Never. Do. That. Again. Kupo." Nick said, articulating every word so they couldn't misinterpret what he said. "Or I'll feed you to Famfrit."
"What the hell is a Famfrit?" Reds asked.
"You dumbass! It's a type of fruit! DUH!" Zeki smacked Reds on the head (Oh a rhyme). Nick just stood there with a dumbfounded expression on his face, wondering how it was mooglely possible to be that idiotic. A new moogle for the new century.
"Off the topic of Famfrit for a moment," the commander went over to a chest of drawers, where he took out bullet-proof armour, which he put on quickly, knowing Summer could very well decide she was an active moogle again and shoot his brains out. Soon, he was completely covered in the protective suit. The other moogles didn't take this as an attempt to protect himself from their insanity.
"So, you're that self-conscious about your waist? We understand, Nick," Reds said, getting sympathetic nods from the rest of the moogles present. "It's all completely natural to feel that way around others, whether they are of the same sex or not. In fact, we support you one hundred percent." Here, they all gave Nick a big thumbs-up. Had they rehearsed this or something? "Now, you see, that thing in your pants is your love-meter, and it-"
"Shut up, kupo! I don't need you giving me kupo sex ed!" Nick bellowed.
"Hey, why do YOU get armour and we don't? Zeki could kill us too!" Zeki said, getting odd glances for speaking in the third person.
"Because, all of you are going back up to the haven, except for one of you. You'll all be given the test of admittance one at a time. Now, Zeki stays and the rest of you get lost."
Scared of the looks Zeki was getting on her face as Nick gave her more bullets to reload her gun with, Summer stood up, left a half-couch behind and followed Reds and Ranul out of the training area.
Within five minutes of waiting for the test to be over, all three were bored. They were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, but none of them were really using Rock, Paper or Scissors. Summer had held her index finger up and called it a Totema, which cannot be destroyed, Reds pointed at himself, saying that he could not be destroyed either and Ranul fell asleep during the middle of the game. What woke him up was a sudden burst of noise from down bellow and maniacal laughter.
"Zeki's probably failing miserably," Summer said. "Or she's already killed Nick"
"Yeah, I'm putting a bet on she was failing, then killed Nick," Ranul said, yawning. "Come on Reds, let's have one more round of Rock, Paper, Scissors."
"Rock-"
"Paper-
"Scissors"
"SHIT!" Summer screamed as she pulled a thumbtack out from under her that she just noticed she'd been sitting on for twenty minutes. Reds had done paper for the game, Ranul had selected rock.
"Paper beats rock! And Reds remains the undisputed champion!" The red moogle did a little victory dance as Ranul glared at him.
"Oh yeah? Well, rock beats stupid!" Ranul punched Reds in the face with the hand he'd used to select rock. Reds was knocked on the ground and a catfight ensued, with Summer watching with a bored expression on her face. The fight was broken up by the elevator nearby to make a little 'ding' as it carried a passenger to the floor they were on. A black and purple moogle came out of the elevator, riding on the half-couch Summer had left there earlier. Apparently, this moogle had made it into some kind of car, with wheels and a steering wheel.
"HI," the new arrival yelled. "MY NAME IS PERSECUTION. BUT YOU CAN CALL ME PER."
"HI," Reds yelled back, forgetting all about the scuffle with Ranul. "YOU'RE HOT."
"I KNOW," Per giggled, Reds looked baffled. Most girls he said that to blushed or did something.
"Wow, Reds. Someone more vain than you," Ranul commented dryly.
"SO. WHERE AM I?" Per continued to yell.
"UM. IN HELL," Reds said. "SATAN IS DOWN THERE." The red moogle pointed at the staircase that led to the training room. At that very moment, Zeki popped out.
"THAT'S SATAN?" Per yelled, then realised she knew that moogle. "WHOA! ZEKI! YOU BECAME SATAN? DID HE RETIRE OR SOMETHING"
"OMG PER." Zeki squealed as she tackled the black and purple moogle. "How'd you get here?"
"Well," Per began, not yelling anymore and instead speaking in a voice little kids call an indoor voice. "I was on Ivalice, but everything was being stupid there. Clan Borzoi was all, 'oh were gona b da rulas of ivalice' and Clan Nutsy, which I think is a pretty fucked up name, was all, 'oh no u arent'. So, I swam south and ended up here," Per yawned. "I'm thirsty."
"Hey Zeki, did you pass the test?" Summer asked out of the blue.
"What test- OH YEAH. That test. Yeah, I passed."
"Is Nick dead?" Ranul asked hopefully.
"No, he's not, kupo," Nick poked his head out of the training room. "And for that comment, you're going next. Get down here." Ranul whined like Noishe from Tales of Symphonia, but complied.
"Kill Nick for me!" Reds and Summer called down at the same time.
"So, is Nick in charge of this dump?" Per asked.
"Yeah. And he sucks big time," Reds said. "He wouldn't let me sing."
"So he's Satan?"
All three of the moogles that had been at the army base before Persecution nodded.
"Oh! I have something for him, then," Per jumped down from the half-couch and threw a package down the stairs leading to the training room.
"What is it?" Summer asked, only curious when she was too lazy to be lazy.
"Some package of cheez whiz. I was told Satan eats cheez whiz by some guy named Weird Al," Per yawned as if delivering a package to the Devil was a perfectly normal activity everyone engaged in at least once in a lifetime. "So, can I join this freaking army?"
"Ask Nick," Zeki replied. "He'll make you take some stupid test. Made me walk in a straight line and stuff"
"Why?" All of the other moogles chorused.
"Said something about making sure I was sober or something," Zeki shrugged. "He should know by now that if I were drunk, I'd be a lot worse and this place would only be a distant memory and a pile of ashes."
"That's stupid," Per said. "He should test you on character and skills, not on brain status."
"…What the-"
"Oh, did I say that? I meant he should test you on making sandwiches and attacking mills."
"If all we had to do was make a sandwich," Reds said. "We'd pass easily. I mean, how do you fail at making a sandwich? Put the peanut butter and jelly on the outside of the bread and drop it in some swamp?"
Meanwhile, in an alternate universe…
"Argh! God damn!" Lloyd Irving muttered. "I failed at making a sandwich!"
Back in Mewt's fantasy world that was like Final Fantasy in the place deemed hell by some moogles…
"…When is Ran gonna get back?" Zeki wailed, wanting something to do. Whenever she was bored, she'd poke Ranul, since he had a different noise for each time he was poked. One time he played an entire symphony when he started running out of things to say.
"Oh, so you don't care about the marvellous Reds?" the vain moogle pretended to look hurt. "I'm offended."
"Good. I hate your guts," Zeki said. "Now let's spell nifty in Chinese."
"Wait- Wuh?" Summer was lost in the stream of conversation, since it changed topic too quickly, from guts to spelling nifty in Chinese.
"How do you spell nifty," Per asked. "In Chinese?"
"Ytfin," Reds muttered. "What's taking Ranul so long?"
Suddenly, the black and grey moogle came bursting up the stairs, breathing heavily and audibly like he was in pain.
"UGH," Ranul exclaimed, where a nasty word he said has been censored out. "GOTTA CRAP!" He sped off in the general direction of the dorms, deciding that dorms are were bathrooms are.
"omg g3t bk h3r3 u w0rtl3$ th1ng!!!111111111" Nick yelled in chatspeak, chasing after Ranul.
"We're never going to get our tests done," Summer muttered.
"Your mom never got her tests done," Reds said in a monotone voice. "In bed."
"Reds can make anything perverted," Per observed, even though it was obvious.
"Give me any sentence and I'll do that."
"I read a fortune cookie that said, 'Always consult others before taking unusual actions'," Summer said.
"Always consult others before taking unusual actions in bed," Reds yawned. "Gimme another one."
"Never kiss an elephant on the lips."
"In bed."
"We should go on a great adventure."
"In bed," Reds winked at all the moogles, who just all happened to be female. All three slapped him. It's apparent that Reds gets slapped a lot. When Summer stood up to go slap Reds, a half-couch appeared underneath her before she actually got over to the perverted moogle. Per just stared at it.
"How did you do that?" She asked.
"I don't know!" Summer slapped Reds. Not for what Per said. For flirting with her earlier. "I just happen to have half of a couch appear under me whenever I sit down, then when a stand up again!" The dust coloured moogle went back over to sit in the half-couch she made.
"It's like birth," Zeki said. "First, you don't know how it happened, but it keeeeeeps happening. Then you find out that it was Reds's fault."
"Look, I'm too sexy for all of you, and-"
"Ooowwwwww!" Ranul cried as he was dragged by the ear as Nick got him back into the training room. "But I had to crap! Why are you taking it out on meeeeeee?"
"Because, kupo, in your haste in getting to the bathrooms, you broke several doors," Nick grit his teeth. "And you'll be fixing them if you pass this test."
"What if he doesn't pass the test?" Per asked innocently.
"Then you guys fix the doors."
"What if we don't pass the test either?" Reds asked, wanting to get out of as much work as possible so he could spend more time flirting with the hot girls at a bar.
"I already passed the test!" Zeki wailed.
"Then Zeki will be fixing the doors," Nick replied as he dragged Ranul down to the training room to resume training and to show him how to fix a door.
"Ranny, pass the test or I'll hurt you," Zeki said menacingly before Ranul completely disappeared from sight.
"ZEKI'S GOING TO RAPE ME IF I FAIL THE TEST!" Ranul screamed.
"No! Even worse," Reds yelled down. "I'll rape you."
A terrified scream told them that Ranul heard them, but then it was cut off by a joyous cry.
"Ice cream!"
"What? I didn't get ice cream when I did my test!" Zeki sulked. "Sob, sob, sob. I'm going to emo in this corner, plz k thnx."
The white moogle went over into the said corner, sat down and just stared at the wall.
"Um. So, what do we do now?" Summer asked ten minutes after Zeki had gone into the Emo Corner of Omg.
"Congratulate the best private that Nick has ever seen," Ranul came up the stairs, a grin on his moogle face. "He says I'm the best shooter who has no background experience with handling a gun."
"Why did you scream ice cream down there?" Per asked.
"Oh. I mistook the gun for ice cream. That's all," Ranul shrugged.
"Who are you?" Nick asked Per.
"Persecution," Per replied.
"Why are you here?"
"I swam here because Ivalice sucks."
"…Ok, so you want to join?"
"Whatev, I'll join," Per shrugged. "Since Zeki is."
"Alright, then, kupo," Nick pointed at Reds. "Your turn, Reds."
"I'll do better than you, Ranul," The red moogle yawned as he went downstairs before Nick did.
"Oh, and who sent me this kupo package with cheez whiz in it?" Nick asked.
"I did, they said you were Satan and I had a package for Satan," Per replied like it was normal. "Go train Redsssssssssss."
Utterly confused on the cheez whiz entirely, the commander simply decided to ignore the stupidity and go downstairs to get Reds to do his test. Zeki was done emoing, since Reds was gone. Reds's disappearance makes Zeki happy. When Zeki is happy, significantly less people get their heads blown off.
"Ok. What now?" Per asked, bored out of her mind. "Do we play some game or something?"
"I vote we play checkers," Summer said.
"We have four people, we can't play checkers with four people," Zeki said. "How about kiwi football?"
"KIWI FOOTBALL!" This game was a favourite amongst these weirdoes. They didn't have a soccer/football, so they took a kiwi and used it instead. Yes, the fruit kiwi. Not a kiwi bird. And the rule was that whenever you touched the ball, you had to say the thing the last person who touched the ball said and something of your own. The game wasn't called Kiwi Soccer because Zeki had invented it and Zeki was… British?
Anyways, they raided the messhall and got several kiwis. They needed more than one because Summer sometimes got lazy and sat on the kiwi. After a half hour of playing, Reds came back, announced he had to take the test twice, then began playing Kiwi Football with the rest of the people. Right as Nick went up the stairs, Zeki screamed, 'Captain Crunch lives in a pineapple under the sea!' and kicked the kiwi so hard it went whoosh! Right by here and went plop! On Nick's head. Since they had been kicking it around, the kiwi had exploded on the commander's head.
"I'm not even going to ask, kupo," Nick said flatly, then beckoned for Summer to come take her test of admittance as he wiped kiwi from his head and onto the ground. Then they left, and the others resumed playing a new game of Kiwi Football. After a while, Summer came back and Per got to take her test of doom. Both moogles had passed, so the group of five celebrated that all of them would be privates together.
"Alright kupos, go down to the dorm rooms and go into the private wing. It's labelled, so if you can read, you'll know where it is. Choose a room that isn't taken and then go to the messhall to get something to eat. Then go back to your room and go to sleep. You'll be waking early tomorrow, so make sure you get a lot of sleep," Nick went down to the messhall himself to get some food as the others went to go get a room.
"How do we know if a room is taken or not?" Zeki asked as they went down the hall of doors.
"I dunno. We poke our heads in each one, I guess," Ranul replied. Per giggled.
"I want to try it first!" the black and purple moogle exclaimed, bursting into the nearest room. It wasn't taken.
"Damn, that's no fun."
"Oh, well. Let's go get food," Reds said. "I'm starving!"
They retraced their steps down the private wing and got back to the haven, where they proceeded to the messhall from there. The food was utter crap. It's worse than school food.
"Ugh! I can even cook better stuff than this!" Per said, holding her nose at the quivering pile of mass on her tray.
"Maybe you're not supposed to eat it," Zeki said. "Maybe we're supposed to throw it at Nick."
"Yeah!" All of the other moogles said, picking up some of the "food" and looking for Nick. The commander was nowhere to be found.
"That sucks," Summer gave up and tried eating the food instead. She gagged. "Are they trying to poison us?"
"Privates get the worst food," A taller moogle said, wearing a red uniform, meaning that he was an officer, who was carrying a tray of edibles. "Once you get moved up, you get better food than that." Before any of them could beg him to share the food with them, he walked off.
"Bleh," Ranul decided he was hungry enough to devour this thing. So, he opened his mouth and ate it all in one bite. "Ugh! Worst thing I've ever eaten in my life!"
Deciding that they'd need to eat this thing, too, they all ate their food silently, then left the messhall to go back to their rooms, where they found a note and five blue uniforms they obviously were supposed to put on, laying on a couch. The note read:
Dear Ranul, Zeki, Summer, Per and Reds,
It appears you have chosen room 9 as your own. The schedule attached it very important. Bear in mind that you will have to be punctual in where you get to or you'll get cleanup duty in the messhall or restrooms.
All times are shown in military time, which the digital watches your uniforms come with go by. The watches are in the pockets of the black pants they come with. In the closet of this room, you'll find a lot of basic furniture for your room, such as beds and drawers. The better you do in the army, the more things you'll get for your room. It's your job, meaning all of your jobs, to keep your room tidy and to be on time for everything.
Get used to life quickly in the army or you'll have a miserable time,
With love,
Commander Nick Osny
PS. You'll have to refer to me as Commander Osny when I am around from now on or I'll punish you.
PPS. I hate you all.
Oh, man. I love this story. I crack up whenever I imagine a half-couch appearing under poor Summer and she doesn't know how it's happening.