WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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Edward opened the door to Colonel Mustang's office and stepped in.

"Heeeeey Mustang!." He greeted, giving the raven-haired man a cute/psycho smile.

"Hello Edward, what brings you here this fine morning?" The Colonel returned the greeting.

"Weeeeeell," Edward reached into his jacket and pulled out a small paper bag. "I was looking for 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!' in the fridge and I happened to come across this bottle of Diet Coke-"

"Let me guess," Mustang interrupted sourly "you're going to wait until I fall asleep, shake the bottle then spray it all over my face and drench me in the sugary liquid."

Ed blinked. "Well, no…but that sounds so good!"

"Oh, then please do continue," Mustang waved his hand nonchalantly.

"Right, so I saw the bottle of Diet Coke, and I thought 'Now if only I had some Mentos,' and the next thing I know this huge-ass tube of Mentos appears!" Ed stuck his hand in the bag and pulled out a two-foot-long tube of Mentos.

Mustang stared at the mints curiously. "It just..appeared? Are you sure you didn't just pull it out of your ass?" he asked sarcastically.

Ed shook his head. "There's no more room in there, maybe if I moved my suitcase to one side, and flipped those porno magazines over…naaah, it won't fit. Well, it might fit in the storage room, but it's so cold in there they might freeze! And maybe…no…" Ed's rambling turned to mumbles.

"I was being sarcastic, Ed." The Colonel deadpanned.

Ed rubbed the back of his head. "Well, anyway, I took the Mentos and the Diet Coke, shoved them in a bag and came here!"

"I see," Mustang dipped his head, "please do explain why."

Ed gave him a quizzical look. He held up both the Mentos and the Diet Coke. "Dude, are you mute? Diet Coke + Mentos APOCALYPSE!"

The Colonel finally caught on. "Sweet! Let's go do it!" He leapt out of his seat, grabbed Ed by the braid and dragged him outside.

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Mustang set the Diet Coke on the ground and carefully flipped off the lid. "Ok, it's all set, hand me the Mentos please!"

Ed jumped excitedly and shoved the tube of Mentos into Mustang's hand. Mustang ripped the wrapping off of one end and flipped it upside down on his hand to allow a fair amount of mints to slide through.

"What are you doing?" Ed asked impatiently.

"I'm making sure all the Mentos will slide in. We want to create the biggest freaken' APOCALYPSE! ever, right?"

Ed nodded his head. The Colonel slid the Mentos back into the tube and stood up.

"You ready for this?"

Ed nodded. "Yup!"

"Promise you won't scream?"

"Yup!"

Mustang smiled. "Ok, here goes…" he advanced toward the Diet Coke bottle, then halted suddenly.

"Oh, and you remember our story right? If the entire world is overcome by chaos?"

Ed beamed, showing off his pearly teeth. "Yup! If the entire human race is doomed…it was my fault."

Mustang patted him on the head affectionately. "Good boy. Alright, here we go!"

He stepped forward and stooped, flipping the Mentos tube upside down over the Diet Coke and releasing the round mints into the pop. Instantly, the liquid erupted from the bottle in a flurry of white, foamy fizz. It shot up atleast 50 feet and splayed in every direction, drenching everything it touched with sticky bubbles.

Ed and Mustang ran in circles screaming hysterically, they're bodies covered in sticky foam.

"You bastard! Why the Hell did you put all the Mentos in simultaneously?"

"Why are you blaming me? It's your freaken' Mentos!"

"You said you could handle it!"

"You should have given me clearer instructions!"

"I thought I did! Set the Coke on the ground; drop a few Mentos in, back away! How the Hell did you turn 'A few' into 'The whole fckin' tube'?"

"Yeah well…your Mom!"

"…What?"

The Diet Coke/Mentos (Lets just call it Diet Mentos) volcano continued to erupt. It should have begun to slow down by now, but instead it was gushing out faster and more violent.

Ed tugged his hood over his sticky, damp blonde hair. "We need to find shelter!" he called to the Colonel. "If this keeps up we'll dorwn!"

"Don't you mean drown?" Mustang asked in slight amusement.

"Yeah, but the Author misspelled it and was too lazy to correct it!"

The raven-haired man laughed, an act that provoked Ed. Was he the least bit concerned for his safety?

"You imbecile! You're gonna be killed! DUCK AND COVER!"

Mustang yelped and dropped the ground and began rolling around like a lunatic on crack.

Ed smacked his forehead. "You idiot! I said Duck and cover! Not Duck and roll!"

Mustang leapt to his feet and began to run around in circles. Just when Ed thought he couldn't get any stupider, he stopped, dropped and began to roll again.

Ed groaned. "No! Stupid, I said Duck and cover, not Stop, Drop and Roll! Besides, you're supposed to Stop, Drop, Cover-your-face-with-your-hands, do the hokey-pokey, reenact Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' then roll!"

The Diet Mentos volcano was becoming increasingly aggressive. The foamy bubbles dropped like acid rain, combining with the carbonated liquid and soaking the earth in a puddle of sticky-ness!

A particularly large dollop of Diet Mentos falling at a speed of 9,997 kilometers per hour descended upon Ed's head, knocking him out the moment it hit.

"Oh no! Ed!" Mustang cried. He disregarded the whole "Drop, flop and order Pizza-Pizza" thing he was currently working on a rushed to his subordinates side.

"Oh my God! Ed, I'm so sorry! I was so busy ordering an extra large pizza with pepperoni and anchovies and mushrooms and pork and pineapple and pickles and lamb-chop and Charlie horse and onions and cheese and ham and Tom Cruise and meatballs and M&Ms and Eminem and peppers and olives and bacon and the guy on the Quaker Oatmeal box and peanut butter and bananas and beets-dipped-in-uber-fckin'-hot-fudge that I forgot to warn you about the giant deadly drop about to descend upon you!"

Mustang held onto Ed's sticky little hand and cried into his chest, totally oblivious to the fact that enormous Diet Mentos drops that were 3 times bigger than the one that (almost) killed Ed were now plummeting toward the Earth.

A tall, skater-like man appeared out of nowhere and bolted towards the Colonel, trying hard to avoid the life-threatening drops.

"Colonel! Colonel Roy Mustang!" the person called as he halted in front of the raven-haired man. Mustang looked up at him with blood-shot eyes.

"W-Who are you?" he asked as he wiped the sleeve of his uniform across his face.

The man pointed to himself and smiled. "I'm jo' Very-Hairy-Fckin'-God-Brothah!"

Mustang furrowed a dark brow. "Don't you mean Fairy God Mother?" he asked.

The man shook his head. "No, bro, I mean Very-Hairy-Fckin'-God-Brothah! Word yo! Fo' shizzle!"

Mustang blinked. "..Right, and you are here because?"

VHFGB (Very-Hairy-Fckin'-God-Brothah) beamed and gestured towards Ed. "Yo I seen wot yo' done ta yo' brothah man! Tha' ain't coo'! Ya smoked ta poor mutha-f!"

Mustang tried futilely to comprehend what VHFGB was trying to say. Was he speaking in Portuguese or something?

VHFGB pointed towards the Diet Mentos volcano (Which was still erupting) "Ya know wot joo have ta do, ai? Jo' gottah plug up dat crazy coke! Fo' shizzle!"

Mustang caught the word 'Plug'. "Plug it? With what?" he asked.

VHFGB made dramatic signals with his hands. "I don' know! Jo' think a' somethin' bro! I gotta hit da trail yo! Word!"

POOF! He disappeared. Mustang eyed the spot he'd just been standing in.

"What the Hell was that? What am I supposed to plug? WHAT?"

He rubbed his temples and probed his brain for answers. Finding none, he decided to do the only humane thing possible.

Dropping Ed's hand to the ground, Mustang got to his feet and walked over to the Diet Mentos volcano. Grasping the clasps of his uniform, he tugged down his pants and underwear, then turned around and sat on the Diet Coke bottles' spout.

The foamy bubbled pushed against his butt, begging to be let free. The pressure was incredible! Mustang clenched his fists tightly and pushed back with all his might. He would not let the bubbles win! He would beat them at their own game! He would release a bubble of his own.

Mustang's face began to turn an odd shade of violet. The muscles in his buttocks strained as he pushed with all his might, until…

He let out the most enormous, most ear-splitting, most horrendous fart ever ripped on earth!

Mr. Rogers swore he could feel the rumble all the way from Make-Believe Land!

Electricity shut down all over Central, Xenotime, Lior and Gotham city...

But atleast the bubbling had stopped. The Diet Mentos volcano had been slain! THREE CHEERS FOR THE MIGHTY BLACK-JACK DEALER AT CASINO-RAMA!

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To say the Military was confused is an understatement. They were downright baffled! Exactly 3 hours after the incredible foamy explosion (The one they called Foamicane Billy-Bob) an exhausted and very sticky Colonel Roy Mustang limped through the doors of Central with an even stickier unconscious Edward Elric on his back and an empty bottle of Diet Coke in hand.

Supposedly, he made it halfway to the infirmary before collapsing, either that or someone tripped him for their own selfish pleasure and he used his head to stop the fall. The Hospital was called and both man and dwarf and Diet Coke bottle were taken to the Central Hospital.

After the Hospital staff un-stuck them, they announced that all 3 were unharmed…ish. The man suffered from a broken pelvis and strained buttock muscles, the dwarf had a minor concussion and just recently had his eye-lids unstuck. The Diet Coke bottle, who appeared to have suffered the most damage, did not survive. The people were heartbroken. A funeral will be held for the bottle on November 3rd at 2:20 pm. Sandwiches will be served, a Grammy award for the first 40 people!

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This Was Definitely The Most Mind-Boggling Fanfic I've Ever Typed. I Don't Know What Possessed Me To Write It (Oh, Wait, Yes I Do. That Whole Diet Coke + Mentos Thing)

About Halfway Through I Began To Experiment With Bold, Italic And Underlines, Sorry If It Confuses You. I Hope You Enjoyed This…Well, I Wouldn't Call It A Fanfic, It's Much To Bizarre. This…Overly-Anomalous-Creation-Of-Mine! Yes, That Will Do.