WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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The notorious ringing of the clock on his wall signified that it was 12:00. Colonel Mustang awoke from his peaceful nap and leapt over his desk in a comical fashion.

"Yabba-dabba-doo!" he cried as he flung open his door and ran down the long, narrow hallway.

"Mustang, Colonel Mustang! He's the greatest guy in history!" The Colonel sang as he slipped on the polished floors.

"From the town of Central, he's about to hit a blonde chibi! …AAAAHHHH!" Mustang screamed as he collided with Edward Elric, sending both of them sprawling.

"Mustaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang!"

Mustang's head shot up. "Augh! Flintstones!" he cried, covering his face with his hands.

"…What the Hell?" he heard a familiar voice say. Mustang carefully peeled his hands away from his eyes and took in his surroundings.

"Oh…it was only a dream." He sighed in relief and slumped back in his chair, preparing to continue his little snooze.

"Hey! Don't go back to sleep you idiot! It's lunchtime!" that oh-so-horrible voice shouted in his ear. The Colonel groaned and sat upright in his chair. Obviously, with this lunatic around he wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep.

"What do you want, Edward?" he asked wearily, glaring at the blonde Alchemist disdainfully. Ed gave the Colonel his trademark over-zealous psycho-smile.

"It's lunchtime! Come on, let's go get some lunch!" Ed tugged on his superior's uniform sleeve, as if attempting to drag him from his chair and out the door.

"Awww, can't I just sleep Ed?" Mustang pleaded. "Why don't you go eat lunch alone?"

Ed pouted. "But you're supposed to be my baby-sitter! And that means you have to supervise me at all times, and tolerate my inevitable disrespect towards everyone! And as I am known to be an uncooperative, obsequious youth you must act as my confidant and do as I say! You imprudent, incompetent fool! NOW GET UP!"

Ed bitch-slapped Mustang and proceeded to tug on his uniform and yell obscenities.

Mustang groaned, not even bothering to attempt to comprehend what the blonde had just said. He hauled himself to his feet, grabbed Ed by the collar of his shirt and dragged him down the hall towards the cafeteria.

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The doors to the cafeteria swung open, and a hyper-active Ed ran in, followed by a very lethargic Colonel Mustang.

"Ooh! Oooh! What's for lunch today, eh? Anything good?" Ed shouted as he snatched up a tray and over-looked the vast amount of food placed on the buffet table.

"Don't like that, don't like that, hate that, dislike that, don't like that…" Ed proclaimed as he pointed to random dishes. Mustang walked up behind Ed, picked up a tray and began to serve himself.

"For God's sake Ed!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "There must be something you like here!"

Ed gave the food a second glance. "No, I don't think so- Hey! Is that baloney I see?" he scurried to the end of the table and peered into a large plate full on various cold meats.

"Yes! It is baloney! Hallelujah!" Ed grabbed a handful of the pink meat and tossed it onto his plate. Mustang watched him out of the corner of his eye.

"Baloney is better than nothing," he remarked as he dished some salad onto his tray.

Ed ran over to the nearest unoccupied table and sat on the end. "Hey Mustang! Are you finished yet? You're not warming your ass on the scrambled eggs again, are you?" Ed yelled.

Mustang hunched his shoulders in embarrassment as the room rippled with laughter. He quickly snatched up a fork and knife and scurried over to the table Ed was sitting at, taking a seat across from him.

"Edward, you idiot! Keep your big mouth shut!"

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Mustang finished off his last spoonful of eggs and set his spork down. He picked up his napkin and delicately wiped off his lips while observing the blonde Alchemist.

Edward hadn't eaten anything. He'd spent the entire time playing with his baloney, making houses and baloney people out of it and shoving it in his pants for that cold, damp sensation.

"Edward," The Colonel addressed the youth in a serious manner. "Are you going to eat your baloney or are you just going to screw around with it?"

Ed giggled. "Of course I'm not going to eat it! I'm saving it for something…special." More giggles. Mustang eyed the boy suspiciously, pondering what he was planning in that messed-up mind of his.

"Alright, as long as you don't-" Before he could finish his sentence, Ed scooped up his baloney, leapt onto the table and began forcefully hurling it at the Fuhrer's head.

"You bastard! You stupid shit! How do you like that, eh? That's for stealing and eating my Flintstones vitamins, you narcissistic piece of crap!"

The Fuhrer cried in pain when the baloney came in contact with his head. He made dramatic dying sounds and fell from his seat and onto the floor, where he lay twitching and acting…over-dramatic, like the drama queen he is.

Mustang gawked as Ed continued to cuss at the Fuhrer and pelt him with baloney. Breda and Fuery rushed to the Fuhrer's side and began to perform CPR. Someone started to scream hysterically about the Apocalypse, another person leapt out of their seat and ran into a wall.

Ed cackled evilly and ripped off his shirt and scrunched it into a ball to hurl at the Fuhrer's secretary. "Eat my shirt, bitch!" he screamed.

Havoc jumped out of his seat and ran over to Ed's table. He reached into the pocket of his uniform and pulled out a small, tight straight-jacket.

"Colonel, catch!" he called, tossing it to Mustang. When he was sure The Colonel had caught it, he crouched low and pounced on the blonde Alchemist.

Ed screamed as something heavy rammed into his back and knocked him to the floor. He began to kick, scream and punch wildly in an attempt to break free, but Havoc had a firm grip on him.

"You lunatic! You're gonna get us all fired!" Havoc cried as he scooped up the struggling blonde and tried to keep him still. Mustang rushed forward and began to strap Ed into his straight-jacket.

"I knew you weren't ready for this Ed! I should have listened to my porn-infected brain!" Mustang scolded once he'd secured Ed's jacket.

Once Ed was unable to use his arms he proceeded to calm down. He was missing both boots (Which were now flung across the room) and his hair was disheveled. For some odd reason, bubbly foam was leaking out of the corner of his mouth and his eyes were twitching slightly.

"Zhorry C-Colonel! –Twitch- D-Didn't mean t-to –Twitch- go all whu-whu-whackadoo! –Twitch- W-Won't happen next –Twitch- t-t-time!" Ed mumbled incoherently, his lithe frame shuddering.

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit!" Mustang retorted, taking a leash from one of his pockets and attaching it to the back of Ed's straight-jacket.

"W-W-Where are you taking m-m-me?" Ed asked as the Colonel dragged him out of the cafeteria and down the hall.

"Back to the Asylum of course! Obviously they let you out too early last time."

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This Is Just Something I Typed Up One Morning At 5am. I Was Tired, Sugar-High And Couldn't Stop Thinking About Baloney (Again!) Also, Straight-Jackets Are Fun. Very Fun. They Make Me Feel Special Because I Get To Hug Myself I Hope You Enjoyed This Chapter!