WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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"Mustang? Yo, Mustang!" Ed poked the sleeping Colonel hard in the back.

"Mmm..what?" Roy mumbled as he turned over and hugged his blanket. Ed grumbled and shook the Colonel's shoulder.

"Mustang, you have to wake up!" the blonde hissed.

Roy whined. "Why? I'm so comfy," he replied.

Ed leaned back and scratched his head. "I got fleas, and they're jumping on your bed." He explained. Roy shot up almost immediately and leapt out of his warm and comfy bed.

"Fleas! Get them off!" he screamed, wiping invisible bugs off his pajamas.

Ed rolled his eyes. "They're not on you, idiot! They're on me!"

Mustang murmured incoherently and rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes. "What's that?" he asked, stifling a yawn.

"I have fleas." Ed replied. Mustang opened his eyes and fumbled around for the light-switch.

"What are you doing in my house anyway?" he asked once he'd found the light-switch and flicked it on. Both Ed and Roy squinted as light flood into the room.

"Someone was sleeping in my phone booth, and my cardboard box blew away." The blonde responded sourly.

"What?" Roy's eyes finally adjusted to the light, and he glanced over at the young Alchemist, only to discover that he was clad in naught but a pair of underwear.

"Where are your clothes?"

"The termites ate them," Ed scowled and swore to get revenge on those wretched termites that consumed his clothing.

"Termites? Fleas? What's this about living in a cardboard box?" Roy ran his hands through his raven locks, obviously confused.

"Ever since Al died I've been living on the streets in a cardboard box. But it blew away yesterday,"

"And…how do the termites and fleas fit in?"

"Correction; termites, fleas, ticks, lice, poison ivy, and I think a mosquito laid eggs in my brain."

Roy sighed, "Oh Ed…"

"It wasn't my fault!" Ed contradicted. "The fleas threw a party and invited ticks and lice! While I was on my way over here I tripped and fell in a poison ivy patch! And the mosquito eggs…well, they've been there since I was 6."

"Clumsy ass…" Roy hissed under his breath. He slipped his feet into a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers and grabbed Ed's wrist.

"Oi! Where are you taking me?" the blonde shouted when the Colonel began to lead him across the room.

"To the bathroom, so you can be decontaminated." Roy answered. He guided Ed into his bathroom and shoved him in.

"Decontaminated? What do you think I am, a hobo?" Ed retorted. The Colonel looked thoughtful.

"Well, let me think. You sleep in a cardboard box, you walk around with dirty hair, lice, ticks, termites, fleas and no clothing, and I'm betting that you also swipe scraps from garbage cans." Roy gave Ed a smug look, which he returned with a flip of his finger.

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Mustang stepped out of the bathroom with Ed following close behind. The blonde was thoroughly soaked and had a towel draped over his shoulders.

"You know, you didn't have to do that…" Ed whispered

"Of course I did, it was only human." Roy replied with a shrug.

"Making me stand out in the cold, freezing my ass off while you drench me with the hose and squirt Dawn in my face and massage my scalp with Black Hayate's shampoo –which you stole from Hawkeye- is not human, Mustang. And why did we have to take the bathroom window anyway? Couldn't we just use the door?"

Mustang paused to think. "The door! Now why didn't I think of that? That's what it's used for, right? Exiting and entering the house?"

Ed deadpanned. "You mean all this time you've been using the bathroom window?"

"Yes. Though sometimes I would forget the window was there and I'd call the police and ask them to remind me about the window in the bathroom."

"That…doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't have to." Roy halted when he entered his room, contemplating whether or not to send Ed on his way, or let him stay the night.

Ed must have read his mind, for he shuffled his feet awkwardly. "Well…thanks, I guess I'll go and sleep in the middle of the intersection now…bye."

Roy smiled and waved. "Okay, bye Ed!" he replied. The blonde gave him a quizzical look.

"Ummm…yeah, bye. I'll just go lie down in the middle of the street and pray I don't get hit by a car...or freeze to death."

Roy continued to smile. "Good luck! Bye!"

"Out in the middle of nowhere, with no home, no family…all alone…"

"Sounds nice. Goodbye now!"

"Freezing and starving…I'll probably die alone too. All alone…"

"Sounds nice. Goodbye now!"

"When I die, I want you to feed my remains to the Red Sox. Maybe if I haunt them long enough they'll actually win a game."

"Will do. Goodbye!"

"…"

"…"

"Can I spend the night with you? Please?"

"…Shit. Alright, I guess so."

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Roy was surrounded by nude women. They were all closing in on him, pressing their huge chests against him and hugging him tightly. Their warm, smooth skin against him made him shudder.

"Ooh, Mustang, you're so sexy!" the women crooned simultaneously as they stroked his raven hair and grabbed at his body.

"Hoho, ladies please! Keep your hands above the belt!" Roy replied smoothly as he grabbed the nearest woman and pulled her close. Just when he was about to plant his lips upon hers he felt someone kick him sharply in the side, sending him sprawling.

The women burst out laughing and slowly began to disintegrate, their cold, ear-splitting cackles ringing in the Colonel's ears.

"Noooooo! Come back to me!" he cried.

-WHUMP-

For the 14th time that night, Roy awoke to find himself on the floor tangled in sheets. He growled and ripped the sheets from his body. How is it that someone as small as FullMetal can push a full-grown man off his bed with one foot?

Mustang glared down at Ed, who was sprawled out on the bed, sleeping peacefully. Roy rudely shoved him aside and crawled back into bed, pulling the sheets over his body to protect himself against Ed's harmful kicks.

Apparently, the shove seemed to have awakened Ed, for he moaned aloud and reached over to steal some of Roy's sheets.

"Mustang, gimme some sheets you bastard. I'm cold!"

Mustang rolled over so the sheets wrapped around him in a cuccoon-like manner. "No! These are my sheets! Get your own!" he retorted.

"Nyaaah, but they have my fleas on them!"

"I don't care, now leave me alone."

"Fine…bastard." Ed turned to face the other way and embraced himself tightly. His mind churned with ways to get revenge on the Colonel for stealing the sheets.

"Ooooh…I got it!"

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Roy's foot came in contact with something wet. He frowned and rolled over, only to find that side of the bed was damp as well.

"…Ed?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"Did you just pee on my bed?"

"Yes."

"…Why?"

"I'm a hobo, Mustang, and that's what hobo's do."

"…Ed?"

"Yes?"

"Would you kindly dump a bucket of oil over your head and light yourself on fire for me? I'm too tired."

"Sure."

Roy soon fell asleep, the calming noises of a certain blonde boy screaming in pain and the smell of burning flesh soothing his soul.

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-Laughs- This Is So Messed Up… Please Don't Hesitate To Flame! I Can Use Them To Heat My Dinner –Evil Grin-