WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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Ed opened the window to Colonel Mustang's office and climbed inside.

"Greetings from Uranus!" he greeted civilly, flashing the Colonel his trademark smile.

Roy groaned. "Hello Ed." He replied monotonously. Ed must have known that Roy was irritated, for he patted him affectionately on the back.

"Don't worry, I know what will cheer you up!" Ed walked over to the centre of the room and studied the floor carefully, then clapped his hands.

Instantly, a large king-sized bed appeared, complete with clean satin sheets and big, fluffy pillows. Roy couldn't help but gawk at it.

"Where the Hell did you get that?"

"I found it in my ass yesterday afternoon while I was cleaning," the blonde shrugged. "I thought we could use it for…you know…" he winked seductively.

Mustang chuckled. "Ed, you naughty, naughty boy!" he scolded playfully.

"Oh, come on!" Ed purred, stroking the satin sheets. "It'll be so much fun…and you know that it's inevitable…you know you want to."

Roy sighed and consented. "Alright Ed…we'll build a stupid fort."

"Yay!"

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Ed climbed into the fort and looked around.

"Well? Is it stable?" Roy asked excitedly. Ed nodded and signaled for Roy to climb in as well.

"Ooh, this is so awesome!" the older Alchemist squealed as he slid in next to Ed. "You remembered to bring the crackers in, right?"

Ed dipped his head. "Yup!"

"And you hung up the 'No Girls Allowed' sign?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Duh! We don't want any cooties getting in our fort and infecting the air!"

"Yeah," Roy agreed, "then we might catch a disease and die! Luckily, I got my cootie shot yesterday."

"No fair!" Ed pouted. "The Doctor said he was out of cootie antitoxin!"

Roy fluffed his raven hair and scooped up the box of crackers. "Not for me. I'm his favorite patient!" he boasted. Ed stuck out his tongue.

"I don't care. I have a foot doctor! Do you have a foot doctor, Mustang?"

Roy crossed his arms over his chest. "Mom sez I don't need one!" he replied through a mouthful of crackers.

Ed snorted and snatched the crackers out of Mustang's hands. "Don't eat all our rations you greedy bastard! We're supposed to save them and use them to trap the Head-hunters and Indians!"

The Colonel opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off by someone knocking on his door.

"Sir?" Riza Hawkeye's voice sounded through the wooden door. "Are you in there?"

"Oh no! It's Hawkeye!" Ed gasped, "quick, hide the crackers and sodas!"

Mustang giggled and shoved the food in the front of his uniform, then twisted around until he was lying on his belly. Ed quickly followed suit.

"Sir, I need to speak with you," Hawkeye said. She jiggled the doorknob, and when she found it unlocked, opened the door and let herself in.

"Colonel? Edward? Are you in here?"

Childish giggles caught her attention, and her gaze fell upon the huge king-sized bed in the middle of the room. There was a massive pile of pillows and sheets lying in the middle of the bed.

Hawkeye furrowed her brow. "…Colonel?"

More giggles. The sheets quivered slightly, and the sound of someone being slapped was heard, followed by a certain blonde boy's obnoxious voice.

"You idiot! I told you to lock the door!" Ed hissed.

"I forgot!" Roy whispered back.

"Well…tell her to go away!"

"Ok," Roy raised his voice. "Ummm..the Colonel isn't here right now, he's…ironing his lingerie. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep."

Both boys snickered. Hawkeye smacked her palm against her forehead.

"Come on boys, I know you're in there! Stop fooling around!"

The blankets shook, and the giggling continued.

"Can't you read the sign?" Ed asked. "It says 'No Girls Allowed!'"

Hawkeye eyed the sign. "Actually, it says 'No Girls Allowed…Unless They Are Naked And Want Sex'"

"Mustang!" Ed shouted. The Colonel chortled, "I couldn't help it!"

Their voices lowered to a dull, inaudible whisper. Hawkeye tapped her foot impatiently.

"Honestly, you two are grown men! Act your age!" she barked, evoking another round of chuckles. A corner of the sheets was lifted, and two pairs of eyes stared out at the blonde Lieutenant; one amber, and one onyx.

Hawkeye sent them a malicious glare, which sent them scurrying back under the sheets.

"Do you think she saw us?"

"I don't think so…"

"What do we do now?"

"Prepare the torpedoes!"

Hawkeye groaned. "Sir, Edward, I'm going to give you to the count of three. If you're not standing in front of me, then I'll go in there and drag you out myself."

The boys giggled.

"One…"

The muffled sounds of bodies shifting and paper ripping was heard

"Two…"

The front of the sheet was lifted, revealing the same pairs of amber and onyx eyes.

"Three!"

"Fire the torpedoes!" Ed and Roy whipped out a plastic straw and stuck one end in their mouth and began to blow. Crumbled pieces of soggy paper shot out and struck the Lieutenant.

"Augh! Boys, quit it!" she snapped, holding her arms over her face.

The boy's laughed and proceeded to shoot spitballs at the blonde woman. One particular ball hit her square in the eye.

"Ewww! I'm telling!" Hawkeye cried, rubbing her eye with her sleeve and running out the door. "Fuhrer! Fuhrer! Roy and Ed are shooting spitballs at me!"

The boy's gasped and ducked back under their fort. If Hawkeye told the Fuhrer about their antics, they would get in big trouble!

"What do we do?" Ed cried.

"Lay low and don't move!" Roy responded, shoving the blonde's head into a pillow to silence him.

The sound of footsteps approaching was heard. A corner of the sheets was lifted, and three heads appeared.

"Hey, can we play in your fort?" The dirty blonde boy, Jean Havoc asked. His two friends –A red-head named Heymans Breda and a shy, geeky-looking kid called Kain Fuery- nodded their heads.

"Can we join too? Please?" Breda pleaded.

"We promise we won't tell." Fuery quipped. Roy and Ed looked thoughtful.

"Alright," the boys consented, "but you have to be very quiet…and don't eat our rations!"

Havoc, Breda and Fuery clambered into the fort. Due to the lack of space in the fort (Hey, it was only made for two,) the boys all had to squish in together.

"This is fun!" Havoc squealed.

"This feels like an orgy," Ed mumbled.

Breda and Fuery giggled. "Ed said orgy! He said a bad word!"

"Oww! Havoc, stop kicking my balls!" Roy whined.

"Ssssh, quiet you guys!" Ed hissed. "I hear something!"

Sure enough, the faint sound of heavy boots against tiled floor echoed around the room. The 5 boy's snuggled against eachother and held their breath.

The door was thrust open, and a familiar one-eyed dark face was exposed. The Fuhrer!

The boy's shuffled nervously as the Fuhrer's one dark eye scanned the room. Hawkeye appeared at his side, sniffling and clutching his uniform.

"There! They're under those sheets!" she proclaimed, pointing to Roy and Ed's fort. The Fuhrer narrowed his eye, and ambled closer to the mass of sheets.

"Come on out boys. Jean, Kain, Heymans, Roy, Edward, I know you're in there."

The boy's all groaned simultaneously and slipped out of the fort –all except for Ed of course, as he is the most troublesome of the group-

Havoc, Fuery, Breda and Mustang stood in front of the Fuhrer, head's bowed low. The older man didn't seem to notice Ed's absence, until…

"Ed didn't come out," Hawkeye announced, "he's still in the fort."

The Fuhrer sighed -obviously used to Ed's behavior by now- and reached into the fort to grasp the boy's ankle. Ed squealed as he was yanked out from under the sheets and placed unceremoniously on the ground.

"Edward Elric, you know better than to disobey me like that," Bradley scolded the youngster. "Two weeks detention, and another 2 for shooting spitballs at Riza." He gestured toward Hawkeye, who stuck her tongue out at the blonde.

Roy laughed as his partner was chewed out. The Fuhrer's gaze turned to him, and he addressed the raven-haired youth.

"You shouldn't be laughing Roy, you will be attending detention with Edward."

"Crap!" Roy pouted and stomped his foot. "Watch your tongue, young man!" the Fuhrer snapped.

"Now I want Kain, Jean, Riza and Heymans to return to their work. Edward and Roy, follow me to the detention room."

Bradley grabbed both boy's hands and led them out of the room.

"Tattletale!" Ed hissed at Hawkeye. Roy scowled and flipped her off.

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Roy and Ed sat at their assigned seats, their heads bowed low.

"This is so unfair!" Ed muttered. Roy nodded in agreement.

"Stupid Riza,"

"We should kick her ass."

"Yeah…" Roy sighed longingly.

"So what do we do now?" Ed asked as he stared at the ceiling.

Roy smirked. "We transmute a door and go play in the mud!" he responded.

"Oh boy!" Ed leapt up in his seat and clapped his hands together.

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It Took Me Two Hours To Type This One. It Definitely Wins The Prize For 'Most Bizarre Fanfic', Halfway Through I Turned Most Of The Military Into Toddlers. I Hope You Enjoyed It!