WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

-----BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!---------

Ed sauntered into HQ with a large smile on his face. Everyone who saw him knew he'd just accomplished something incredible. Many were tempted to ask, but they were all too stup-busy…yeah.

"Edward," Hawkeye addressed the young man, "care to share what you're smiling about?"

Ed's smile grew until he was forced to shut his eyes. "Nothing, I'm just in a good mood." He replied simply, continuing his stroll down the long hallways.

Havoc watched him go with curious eyes. "Show of hands, who thinks he's getting laid tonight?"

Everyone raised their hand. Except for Fuery, who was tied to a pole, and Trisha, because she's dead…and several other people whom I will not take the time to acknowledge because it would be a waste of space and an unnecessary use for hand muscles.

Ed ambled into Mustang's office in a pompous manner, as if he himself owned the world (Albeit he doesn't. I do.) Mustang looked up from his Etch-A-Sketch and glared at the blonde.

"Fullmetal, what do you want?"

Ed proceeded to grin. "Nothing."

"I see," Roy paused, "what are you smiling about?"

Ed let out a long laugh. "It's funny…I went to see President Bush this morning…for a visit. And he made this comment about my height –or lack thereof- and I got pissed and kicked him in the groin!"

Mustang deadpanned. "…And what's so wrong with that?" he asked.

Ed shook his head, "That's not all. I kicked him in the groin, stole his peanuts and insulted his Mother."

"Get to the point, Ed."

"Well…alright. The Russians are stalking me. They're going to kill us."

Roy's eyes expanded. "What? Us? Why us? I didn't do anything!"

Ed reached into his coat and produced a box of peanuts labeled "Georgie's Peanuts" and threw it at Mustang. "There, now you did something. You stole Bush's peanuts."

Roy quickly leapt up and tossed the peanuts to the ground. "What the Hell Ed? Bush touched those peanuts, you know!"

"Ewww, really?" Ed retched and took off his gloves. "Quick! Burn my gloves!" he ordered. Mustang obediently snapped his fingers and turned the infected gloves to ashes.

"There, now about the Russians-" Mustang started, but was cut short by someone loudly pounding on his door.

"Open up! We know you're in there!" a male voice yelled. Ed immediately lost his calm attitude and began hyperventilating.

"OhmyGod! It's the Russians!" Ed cried, running around frantically and flailing his arms. Mustang ignored the panicking blonde and edged towards the door.

"Umm…no, we're not in here. We're in Florida, at Disney World, on the Tower of Terror." The Flame Alchemist stated. The Russians stopped banging and whispered to eachother in their foreign language of Russia-ese.

"Alright, we'll be right there! Don't move! We're coming to kill you!" one of the Russians replied. The sound of an angry Russian mob tromping down the hallway was heard.

"Good, they're gone," Ed sighed in relief.

"Yes," Mustang agreed. "But when they find out we're not in Disney World they'll come back here…and kill us!"

Ed screamed, "OhmyGod! What do we do, Colonel? What do we do?"

"I don't know! You think of something, you're the genius here!"

"That's right…I'm the genius! I'll think of something!" Ed laughed like a maniac.

"Laugh later, think now!" Roy snapped. Ed hastily shut his mouth and probed his empty head for ideas.

After several minutes of thinking, the blonde snapped his fingers. "I've got it!"

"Well?" Roy coaxed.

"We need to escape. My idea is to sneak you out…in my pocket."

"In your pocket?"

"Yes. Then I'll leap out the window and fly us to safety!"

"Ed…" Mustang sighed, "You're going to have to re-think that plan…"

Ed had no time to think, for the moment Roy finished his unfinished sentence, someone pounded their fist on the door.

"You lying bastards! You weren't at Disney World! You were here all along!" the same Russian man yelled.

"Oh shit! They're back!" Mustang cursed. Ed quickly seized his pants and held open his pocket.

"Quick! Climb into my pocket!" he ordered the Colonel. Mustang gave the blonde a quizzical look. Was he serious?

"Ed, I don't think-"

"No time to think! Hurry up and jump in!"

"Ed, it's not possible."

"What do you mean? Stop screwing around and get in my pocket, Mustang!"

"Ed…I can't."

"Why the Hell not? Just jump in!"

"I'm too big!"

"Then lay off the fatty foods, you fatty! Or call Jenny Craig! Now get in my pocket!"

"Ed, I can't fit!"

"Yes you can! Go ahead and jump in!"

"But-"

"Stop being a dick, Mustang! Get. In. My. Pocket!"

"I can't fit!"

Ed's eyes narrowed ominously. He reached into his coat and drew forth a small hand gun. Mustang's eyes widened as Ed loaded the gun and pointed it to the Colonel's head.

"Get…in…my…pocket…NOW!"

"O-Okay," Roy walked over to the blonde and eyed his small pocket hesitantly.

"NOW! OR I'LL SHOOT!"

Mustang let out a long sigh, then slowly lowered his head into Ed's pocket. "There, I'm in your stupid pocket!" he announced, voice muffled by Ed's pants.

"No you aren't!" Ed blurted, on the verge of tears. "You're just pretending! Stop fooling around and get in!" He stuck the end of the gun on Mustang's ass and fingered the trigger.

"Alright, alright!" Mustang lowered himself further, until his entire head was in the small pocket. "I'm in!"

"Good, now hold on!" Ed threw the gun to the floor and bolted toward the window, dragging Mustang's poor body on the ground behind him.

"Brace yourself!" Ed embraced himself tightly, then leapt at the glass…only to have himself ricochet and slam into the far wall.

"What happened? Were you trying to escape?" the Russian man yelled through the door.

Ed sat up and rubbed his head. Mustang's mangled body lay in a heap at his side. "No, we were just trying to escape," he replied.

"Oh…alright."

"You okay, Colonel?" Ed asked. He lowered his voice threateningly. "Are you still in my pocket?"

"Y-Yes," Mustang replied weakly. "But I think one of my ribs pierced through my heart, and my back bone was shattered!"

"You know, all you had to say was 'Yes Ed, I'm fine!'" Ed replied sourly as he stood up and dusted himself off.

"Ready to try that again?" Ed questioned, facing the window a second time. The Colonel tried to shake his head, but he was paralyzed.

"Good!" Ed ran toward the window, embraced himself, then leapt at the glass. Just like the first time, he ricocheted off and slammed into the same wall.

"Almost had it!" he murmured. Mustang –who was barely conscious by this point- managed to open his mouth to speak.

"Ed…give it up, there's no way you can break that window!" he whispered hoarsely. Ed nodded, as if he'd known that all along.

"Right. Good thing I have a back-up plan!" He walked over to the door and knocked softly. "Hello? You guys still out there?"

"Yeah, we're here. Are you finished escaping yet so we can kill you?" the Russian male asked.

"Yeah, about that. See, we can't seem to break the window."

"Oh, that's unfortunate."

"Yes it is. So we were wondering if we could maybe use one of your men as a club to smash the window with…you know?"

The Russian man considered the blonde's plan. "Alright," he consented, "I'll be your club."

"Great!" Ed flung open the door and took the Russian by the hand to lead him to the window.

"Okay, now all you have to do is remain perfectly still while we shatter every bone in your body, implode your organs and demolish your immune system. Can you do that?"

The man nodded. Ed bent down and grabbed him by the legs. He lifted the Russian up and swung him over his shoulder like a baseball bat.

"Hold still!" the blonde grunted as he swung the man full force into the window. The impact shattered the glass instantly, and the man was sent flying through the air, until he landed in the middle of the street and caused a traffic jam.

"Yes!" Ed cried triumphantly. "Now to fly us to safety!" he leapt out the window, arms spread out, and began flapping wildly.

Ed was shocked when he found out that he couldn't fly. He remained airborne for about 2 seconds before plummeting to the Earth and slamming into a Double-Decker bus.

21 people died that day. Some perished in the traffic jam, some died attempting to save Ed and Roy by leaping out the window after them, and everyone else committed suicide. Except for Fuery, who was tied to a pole, and Trisha, because she's dead…and several other people whom I will not take the time to acknowledge because it would be a waste of space and an unnecessary use for hand muscles.

-----BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!---------

I Got The Idea For This Chapter One Night While I Was Taking A Shower. The Mental Image Of Ed Yelling At Roy To Get In His Pocket Is Extremely Hilarious, And I Just Had To Write About It. I Hope You Enjoyed It! Also, I'm Sorry If I Offended Any Russians. I Don't Think Russians Are Stupid, And If You Were Offended In Any Way Then I'm Very Sorry.