WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

----------BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!-------------

"Hey Alfred, do you have any scotch tape?" Ed asked one afternoon as he barged into Alfons Heiderich's house. Alfons looked up from his jigsaw puzzle and sighed,

"For the last time Ed, my name is Alfons, and why do you need scotch tape?"

Ed waved his hand nonchalantly. "Oh, my nipples are erect and I need something to hold them back. You wouldn't believe how sharp and pointed they are, I took a guys' eye out today!"

Al winced visibly and suppressed a shudder. "Gross, Ed…why don't you wear that padded lacy bra I bought you?"

"Well," the blonde began as he rummaged through some drawers, "I was out for a walk this morning and it began to snow, so of course my ears began to freeze. I don't much favor frozen ears so I unhooked my bra and wore it on my head like earmuffs!" Ed beamed proudly at his smart idea.

"Ah…right, but where is your bra?" Al asked. He stood up and helped Ed look for the scotch tape.

"Meh, I saw a starving cat in the street and fed it to him." Ed paused and looked thoughtful. "Actually, it wasn't a very smart idea now that I think about it. The bra got caught in the cat's throat and killed it."

The non-vertically-challenged blonde tried to force the disturbing image out of his mind. "Ugh…nevermind. Oh, I found the scotch tape!" He held up a small roll of white tape.

Ed cheered and snatched it out of Al's hands. He quickly ripped off two small squares and lifted his shirt to place them securely across his still erect nipples.

Al covered his eyes. "Jesus Christ! Put those away!" he shouted. Ed blinked, "Actually, my name's Ed, but I'm flattered that you think of me as a God. And what's wrong with my nipples anyway?"

Ed grabbed his man breasts and squeezed them. "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipplezzz!" he sang, holding them up for Al to see. Al clamped his hand over his mouth to refrain from vomiting.

"What's the matter with you?" he questioned once he had the rising bile under control. Ed shrugged and stared down at his breasts. "Nothing, I'm just really interested in my nipples, that's all."

"Ugh." Al groaned, rubbing his temples soothingly. "Why, oh why did I agree to put up with you?"

"Because I threatened to murder your parents and bomb your country." Ed replied simply, still staring transfixed at his chest. "Teeeeeaaaaaaaaaaats!"

"Ed!" Alfons snapped, "Shut up! I don't want to hear about your Goddamn nipples!"

"Why? Are you…jealous?" Ed grinned pompously. Without warning, he grabbed Al's shirt and pulled it up (Don't ask how he did that without removing Al's suspenders first, because I haven't a clue)

"Edward!" The blue-eyed man shrieked. Ed squint his eyes and observed Heiderich's chest.

"Man, talk about flat! I've seen walls that were fuller than you!" Ed shouted, poking Al's nearly nonexistent nipples. "And why are your nipples such an odd color?"

Alfons sniffed indignantly. "Nipples come in all different shapes, colors and sizes, you know. Pink is not the norm."

"Yeah but…yours are indigo." Ed contradicted. Al huffed and pulled down his shirt. "I don't care; I like my nipples the way they are…nice and blue."

"Whatever," Ed responded impassively. "Oh, is your penis blue too?"

Alfons nearly swallowed his head. "Edward! No, my penis is not blue! God, you nearly made me swallow my own head!" He pointed to the sentence above. Ed looked up but didn't see anything, as he was too short and the letters were far away.

"Why the Hell is there letters floating around up there?" the blonde Alchemist wondered aloud. Al shrugged. "I don't know…what do you want to do now?"

"Oh! Oh! Let's go laugh at crippled people!" Ed suggested, jumping up and down excitedly. Alfons squealed and ran off to grab his coat.

"Oh boy, crippled people!" he cried happily.

Several minutes later, Alfons appeared with his coat on. "Ready to go?" he asked Ed.

"Yeah…-Wait, before we go I have to take a pregnancy test!" Ed scurried out of the room and disappeared into the bathroom.

Al watched him curiously. "Why?"

"Oh, yanno," Ed responded through the closed door, "just for fun."

----------BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!-------------

After several long minutes, Edward stepped out of the bathroom holding up a small, white thermometer. "I got two pigs and a lemon…did I win the lottery?"

Al blinked. "Ed, you weren't trying to win the lottery, you were taking a pregnancy test. And judging from what you just said, I don't think you're pregnant."

Ed cursed and threw the pregnancy thingie out the window. "Damnit! I always lose! I'll never become famous!"

"Yeah, yeah, can we go now?" Al pleaded impatiently. Ed disregarded his friend and walked out the door. The taller blonde trailed after him.

"Hey Ed, can I ask you something about Amestris?" he asked.

"Sure, whatever Hideherdick." Ed mumbled in response.

"Heiderich. Anyway, back in Amestris, when you flushed the toilet did the water run clockwise or counter-clockwise?"

Ed looked thoughtful. "I don't know…I never flushed the toilet before."

Al's face turned a light shade of green, "Eww, seriously? That's gross!"

"Where I lived poop was considered a delicacy." Ed replied indignantly. Al began to feel nauseas again, and hid his mouth behind his hand.

"Oh God…that's so nasty!"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Hey Shithead, have they invented Star Wars yet?"

Alfons managed to swallow his bile a second time. "Not yet. They will in 1970 though."

Ed cursed again, "Damn! Now I have to wait like, 49 more years! Crap…"

Al pat him on the head soothingly. "I feel for you bro, I'm still waiting for them to invent the Television so I can watch Desperate Housewives and Sex And The City."

Ed sent his brother's counterpart a disapproving glare. "Those are chick shows, God Alfalfa!"

"Alfons," Al corrected, "and so what if I like chick shows? There's nothing wrong with that!"

"Oh I disagree, chick shows make you horny!" Ed retorted. "And that makes all my sexy parts stand out!"

"You mean…" Al's eyes expanded.

"Yup. I become a walking deathtrap!" Ed shuddered as unwanted memories swam in his brain. "Oh God…Mom…I'm sorry."

"Mmm, I got the Munchies, let's go grab a bite from McDonalds." Al said, totally ignoring his friend.

Ed shook his head. "Sorry Hideherdick, but McDonalds hasn't been invented yet. You'll have to wait about 19 more years."

"Ahh, what the Hell?" Al scowled, "This is so-" he paused as he was seized by a coughing fit. Al halted in mid-step and keeled over, holding his hand over his mouth so he wouldn't spit on anyone.

"Holy shit! Watch were you're spitting those germs, Alford!" Ed cried, leaping as far away from Heiderich as his lazy ass would permit.

Heiderich waved his hand, indicating that he was almost finished infecting the world. His coughs eventually died down, and he raised himself to his full height.

"Whew…for a second there I thought I was gonna die!" Al admitted, chuckling slightly.

Ed stared at his pale hand. "Dude, you're bleeding!" he yelped. Al furrowed his brow and followed Ed's gaze to his crimson-stained hand.

"Well, what do you know, I'm bleeding!" he shouted.

"Are you starting your period?" Ed asked, still staring at the blood. Heiderich shook his head, "Not likely, I don't have the proper body parts for that."

"Oh. I have ovary cancer." Ed announced.

"…Right," Al replied unsurely.

"Yeah. My ovaries have cancer."

"Uhhh, can we please change the subject?"

"Sure. My nipples are erect again, I need a stronger type of tape."

"Why not try duct tape?"

"…That's a good idea! Let's go find some!"

"Okay, then afterwards we can laugh at crippled people!"

----------BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!-------------

Wow…What Can I Say? This Is Really One Of Those Random Rambling Oneshots, I Don't Know What I Was Thinking When I Typed This. I Hope You Enjoyed It!