WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

----------BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!-------------

Random Oneshot No. 1

Why Edward Is So Short

"A WHAT?!" Edward cried, jumping from his seat and knocking over a jar of delicious lollipops in the process.

The Doctor twitched. "...A dead fetus, Mr. Elric. There's a dead fetus living inside your bladder."

Ed shuddered and stared down at the front of his pants, as if expecting a hand to pop out at any moment and say "Hey buddy! Ya wanna buy a WATCH?!"

He shook his head and turned to face his brother, who hadn't spoken a word since the Doctor came in. "A dead fetus, Al. Isn't it great?" he said in a shaky, high-pitched tone.

Al nodded slowly. "Great..." he replied. The Doctor cleared his throat loudly. "Anyway, yes, you have a dead fetus living inside of you. It's about the size of a raccoon, and it feeds off your height."

Ed looked confused. "Feeds off my height? What the Hell does that mean?". The Doctor chuckled, "It means that every time you grow -even if it's just a centimeter- the dead fetus gobbles it up!"

"So...is that why brother is so short?" Al asked. The Doctor nodded.

Ed growled and glared at his stomach. "You...bastard! I'm going to call you Freddy!". He then burst into tears and ran out of the room.

Random Oneshot No. 2

Why Roy Wears An Eyepatch

One evening after doing his paperwork, Roy returned to his house and sat on the floor.

"Hmmmm...I think I would like some ice-cream!" Roy thought. He got off the floor and went over to the freezer and opened it. Inside were 2 boxes of ice-cream. One was Cookies N Cream, and the other was Chocolate Fudge. Roy took the Cookies N Cream ice-cream because Chocolate Fudge reminds him of shit...diarrhea shit...that comes out of him when he drinks too much beer. Also, it leaves filthy brown diarrhea stains on his bathroom floor.

But diarrhea isn't all bad, because it can also be used to get REVENGE! Roy did that once, a long time ago when Edward called him a Bastard he drank alot of beer and snuck into Ed's room at night and shat all over his floor! And in the morning Ed slipped on it and fell out the window and squished Dumbledore. And that is how Dumbledore died. It wasn't Snape who killed him, it was Ed. They all just blamed Snape because if you take the P out of his name and replace it with K it spells Snake. And snakes kill people.

Also, Snape's first name is Severus, which sounds like Sever, which means "To cut off"

Anyway, Roy took out the box of Cookies N Cream ice-cream and scooped some into a bowl. But then he realized he was out of spoons, so he used a fork instead. And while he was eating his hand began to masturbate. Roy ignored it at first, but then it jacked-off too hard and stabbed Roy in the eye!

And that is why Roy wears an eyepatch. And I should know, because I was there with him. I was hiding in his dirty laundry bin so he couldn't see me. But I was there! I saw the whole thing!

Random Oneshot No. 3

What Really Happened To Ed And Al

One day Edward, age 11, decided to make a delicious milkshake for his brother Al, age 10.

So he went into the kitchen and collected some ingredients; Ice-cream, Coors Light, maple leaves, Dawn dishwashing soap, bellybutton lint and earwax.

Then he put the ingredients in the blender and pushed the button. Nothing happened. Ed pushed the button again. Nothing happened. "Hmmm...Maybe there's some shit stuck in the blades!" Ed thought aloud, sticking his arm into the blender and feeling around.

At that moment Alphonse walked into the kitchen and saw his brother struggling with the blender. Then he noticed that the blender was unplugged, so he thought it would be nice to plug it in for Ed.

Al picked up the plug and shoved it into the wall. Instantly, the blender's blades started rotating, and since Ed's hand was in the blender, the blades chopped off Ed's hand.

"OhmyGod! MY HAND!" Ed shouted, sticking his handless arm into the blender to retrieve his hand. Suddenly, the rotating blades chopped off Ed's arm, all the way up to his elbow.

"OhmyGod! MY ARM!" Ed shouted, shoving his upper arm into the blender to grab his arm. Suddenly, the blender's blades chopped off Ed's upper arm and shoulder.

"OhmyGod! THE REST OF MY ARM!" Ed shouted, shoving his leg into the blender to retrieve the rest of his arm. Suddenly, the rotating blades chopped off Ed's foot.

"OhmyGod! MY FOOT!" Ed shouted, shoving his footless leg into the blender to grab his foot. Suddenly, the blender's blades chopped off Ed's leg, all the way up to his knee.

"OhmyGod! MY LEG!" Ed shouted. He went to stick his head into the blender to retrieve his leg when Al jumped forward. "DON'T WORRY BROTHER, I'LL GET YOUR BODY PARTS BACK!"

Al dove into the blender. Suddenly, the spinning blades chopped Al into a million little pieces.

"OhmyGod! MY WHOLE FRIGGIN' BODY!" Al shouted. Thinking quickly, Ed grabbed the blender and ran out the door and down the street.

"HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME!" he shouted, waving the blender around frantically. "Careful brother!" Al warned. "My left testicle just splashed onto the road!"

Then they heard someone calling for them. Ed turned and saw a weird looking guy with black hair running towards him. "My name is Harry Potter! I'm a wizard!" the guy said. "I can help you!"

Harry Potter took out his wand and pointed it at the blender. "Bibbity Bobbity Boo Fuckaaaaaaass!" he shouted. The Al smoothie flew out of the blender and went into this suit of armor that was walking nearby.

"Oh, thank you!" Ed said. "You saved my brother! Now quick, help me!". Harry Potter shook his head. "Sorry, I can't. Dr. Phil is starting right now!". Then he ran off down the street.

"Yeah? Well...screw you! You suck anyway, and I don't care for you at all, my good sir!" Ed replied, then he fainted due to blood loss.

"OhmyGod! BROTHER!" Al shouted. He ran up to his brother and cradled him in his cold, metal arms. "A-Al?" Ed whispered hoarsely. "Yes?" Al replied.

"I-If anyone asks...we were trying to bring our dead Mother back to life with Alchemy...ok?"

Al nodded.

----------BEHOLDTHEALLMIGHTYLINEOFIMPENDINGDOOM!-------------

Ermmm –Sweatdrop- I Wrote These A LONG Time Ago, And I Recently Found Them Stashed Away Somewhere And Decided To Submit Them, You Know, Because They Made Me Laugh.