WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
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Alfons rapped noisily on Edward's bedroom door. "Come on Edward, get up!" he hollered. Ed mumbled incoherently and snuggled under his sheets.
Alfons groaned and raised his voice. "Get up Ed! You're gonna be late for work!"
Still, Ed remained silent and unmoving, like one of those things that don't move because they're lifeless…oh, you know what I'm talking about! Dead people, that's it! Dead people!
The taller blonde clenched his fists angrily. Why did he have to deal with this every single morning? Couldn't Edward get up on his own? Why the Hell haven't they invented Alarm clocks yet?
"Edward, get up this instant or I'll body slam your door!"
Al could have sworn he heard Ed say "I'd like to see you try," Albeit it could have just been his messed-up mind.
"Alright, I will!" Al stomped off in the opposite direction until he was a good 9 meters away from the door. He crouched low, relaxed his shoulders, then ran like Hell.
"RED DAAAAAAAAWN!" he cried as he leapt full force at the wooden door. The abrupt contact sent the poor defenseless door flying off its hinges and into one of the far walls in Ed's room.
Al huffed and leaned over to catch his breath. When he'd finally regained his composure, he strolled over to Ed's bed and kicked at the unmoving lump lying in it.
"Get up you lazy, incompetent leprechaun with a nipple fetish!"
Ed moaned loudly and aroused himself to a sitting position. "But I don't want to go to work!" he whined, "I want to stay home and smear peanut-butter on your bed!"
Al scoffed and rummaged through Ed's dresser until he pulled out a suitable outfit. "Well, that's too bad! Now hurry up and get dressed, I don't want to be late again!"
Grumbling, Ed hauled his carcass out of bed and shrugged off his clothes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alfons staring at his nude body. He quickly grasped his nipples and began to squeeze them.
"N-N-N-Nipples!" he sang. Al immediately clamped his hand over his mouth and rushed out of the room. Ed cackled evilly as he slipped into his trademark ugly brown pants and hobo-like shirt, along with his evil rapist trenchcoat and matching loafers.
"There has to be some way for me to get out of work…but how?" he asked himself. Ed snatched a brush off his nightstand and ran it through his long hair.
"Someday my prince will come, someday my prince will come!" he sang. Al once again rapped on his door (Oh wait, his door is gone, so I guess Al wrapped on the dry wall instead)
"Hurry up Ed, we only have 30 minutes!"
"I'm coming! God, have a little patience!" Ed snapped. Suddenly, an idea wormed into his brain. He hastily pulled his hair into a ponytail and rushed out the door.
"Hey Al! Do you still have that How to avoid going to work book?"
Al tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Yeah, I think. Hold on, I'll go get it."
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3 minutes later, Alfons returned clutching a small, dusty brown book. Ed squealed and greedily snatched it from his friend's hand.
"What do you need that for?" Al asked curiously, watching as Ed flipped through every page and skimmed passed the writing.
"Simple my dear friend, if I can find an excuse to get out of work that is even slightly believable…I can get out of work!" Ed beamed proudly.
Alfons deadpanned, "You are such a dunce…"
Ed didn't hear him, obviously too caught up in reading. "Nope, not that, definitely not that…Hey Al, am I pregnant?"
"No."
"Oh damn…am I a Vegetable?"
"I don't know, did you grow out of the ground?"
"No, I fell out of a tree. Am I mentally retarded?"
"…Yes."
"Damn, it's not in the book. Oh, do I weigh over 300 pounds?"
Al paused and gave Ed the once over. "I don't think so," he replied. Ed cursed in defeat and slammed the book shut. "Then it's hopeless! There's no way I can get out of work!"
Al bit his lip. Normally, he wouldn't give Ed a reason to miss work, but he was so determined to do so! Al had never seen him this determined in a long time. "Well…you know Ed, you could always gain 300 pounds."
Ed snorted. "By doing what? Eating and sleeping?"
"Yes, actually." Al considered the idea. It was stupid and rather foolish, but it might be fun. It would also make a good experiment, and it was the perfect chance for him and Ed to bond!
"I could help you do it. Shouldn't take very long, a day at the least."
Ed cheered and tossed the book across the room. "Yes! I don't have to go to work anymore!" he cried, jumping up and down excitedly. Al shook his head and placed his hand on Ed's shoulder.
"Not yet Ed, first you have to gain 300 pounds. Ready to get started?"
Ed clenched his fists and punched the air, "Yeah!"
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"Why are we doing this again?" Ed asked uncertainly as he stared down at the small square item. Al rolled his eyes as he fumbled with the little box.
"Before you can start rapidly gaining weight we have to find out how much you weigh, so we know how much more weight you have to put on."
Ed bobbed his head, as if he'd known that all along. He eagerly waited until Al stepped aside, then cautiously climbed onto the scale and watched intently as the needle began to quiver.
"What the-! 116 pounds? That's all!" Ed screamed, bending down to inspect the needle. "Are you sure this isn't broken?"
"I doubt it," Alfons replied. He traced the outline of Ed's body with his eyes and sighed loudly. "We've got a long way to go…"
"Damn straight!" Ed quipped. He leapt off the scale and scurried into the kitchen at lights' speed.
"Where are you going?" Alfons yelled.
"To the kitchen! I'm going to eat every single edible item in there! I only have 23 minutes to gain 184 pounds!"
Al's eyes widened and he quickly raced into the kitchen. Knowing Ed, he'd probably try to consume the refrigerator or the stove…or the house! God help them! –Prays–
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Ed sat at the kitchen table, greedily inhaling a box of graham crackers as he glared at Alfons, who was currently digging through the cupboards for some more food.
"Well? Harve uuu funn ennithinn?" Ed asked through a mouthful of mushy crackers. Al shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry Ed. All that's left is a jar of pickled yams, 3 dead toads and a box of clay."
Ed blinked and slapped his forehead. "You idiot! Those are edible! Bring them to me!" he ordered. Al obediently scooped up the items and dropped them on the table.
"Are you sure? They don't look edible to me…"
The blonde Alchemist bitch-slapped his friend, "Who the Hell cares? You're not the one eating them, are you?"
Alfons silently agreed and tried to keep himself from vomiting while Ed stuffed his face with pickled yams and dead toads.
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Ed took a deep breath, stuck out his chest, and bravely stepped on the scale. Once again, the needle quivered before landing on a number.
Ed nearly choked on his tongue. "The Hell? 144 pounds! That's all?" He angrily banged his head against the wall. "I'm nowhere near 300!"
Alfons stared at the ground, feeling defeated. They only had 14 minutes left before they were expected to arrive at work. Ed had wanted so badly to get out of it, and now his dream was crushed.
"And you're sure you don't have any more food?" Ed questioned, stepping off the scale. Despite the fact that he'd only gained 28 pounds, his body had changed a lot. He was now considered Morbidly Obese. Also, when he laughed his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.
Al thought really hard. Did he have any more food in the house? "Yes! What about the dandelions in the front yard?"
"Yes!" Ed whooped as he dragged his fat body out the door (Which was quite difficult) and into the yard. Ed observed the patches of yellow flowers before him.
"Well, are you gonna eat them?" Al asked, leaning against the doorway and eyeing the Alchemist. Ed nodded his head and wiped a stray tear from his eye.
"Yeah, it's just…I wish my brother could see me right now. I wonder what he would say…" Ed threw himself at the bunches of flowers and started gobbling them up.
"He'd probably say something like, 'Dear God, I've got a fat, lazy cow for a brother'" Al whispered to himself.
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Once again, Ed took a deep breath, stuck out his chest and stepped onto the scale. The needle quivered, then landed on a number.
Ed groaned and punched the wall with his fat fist. "Damnit! I'm only at 168! I'm still off by like, 140 pounds!"
"Actually, 132 to be precise," Alfons tiredly corrected the blonde tub of lard. Ed spun around –causing his fat to ripple and fly to one side- and glared at Al.
"You be quiet! I hate you, you know! You haven't helped me at all! You just bitched at me the entire time!" Ed spat. Al yawned, not even the least bit affected by Ed's insults.
"Whatever. Look, we only got 6 minutes before we're classified as late, can we just go?"
"No!" Ed cracked his knuckles ominously and glared daggers at the scale. "We're so close I can taste it…if only…" he paused, eyes expanding slightly.
"What? What is it?" Alfons asked in concern. Ed turned around very slowly, and scrutinized Al's figure.
"Al…how much do you weigh?"
Al, unable to comprehend what Ed meant, casually answered. "About 132 pounds. Why?"
Ed heaved a long sigh and ran his hand through his hair. "We have no other choice Al, I'm going to have to eat you."
Alfons nearly fell over in shock. He hastily regained his balance and sputtered, "What? What the Hell, Ed? You can't possibly eat me! That…that's called cannibalism!"
The fat blonde licked his lips, "Is it? Then I guess I'm a cannibal." He stretched out his fat arms and lunged at Al. Al yelped and quickly ducked out of the way.
"Ed, stop it! You're not gonna eat me!" he cried. Ed raised himself to his feet and staggered after Al. "Oh yes I am! If it gets me out of work, I'll do anything!"
Alfons screamed hysterically and stumbled down the stairs with Ed hot on his heels. Unfortunately (Or fortunately, depending on the person,) Ed tripped over his fat feet and rolled down the stairs like a giant, obese boulder.
Al jumped out of the way just in time. The Ed boulder rolled passed him and slammed into the front door, knocking it over instantly. The taller –but thinner- blonde cheered joyously and leapt over Ed's body and out the door.
Ed growled and did a somersault, landing firmly on his fat feet and chasing after Alfons. They were only inches apart from eachother. Even though Ed was a morbidly obese hippo, Al was a lazy geek who never exercised, thus they were pretty evenly matched.
Al probably would have won, if he hadn't tripped over an upturned root and sprawled across the ground. He gasped for breath and rolled over onto his back, just in time to see Ed's huge body hovering over him. Mouth open wide, ocher eyes closed in pure bliss. Finally, Ed descended upon Al and engulfed him in one bite.
Ed chewed slowly on the fleshy body. "Yum, Alfons," he mumbled.
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Edward picked up the phone and dialed a number. The phone rang for almost a minute before someone picked it up.
"Hello?" a male voice greeted on the opposite end. Ed cleared his throat and spat out a small piece of bone.
"Hi, this is Edward Elric, I'm afraid I won't be able to attend work today –or ever- as I am over the weight limit. Yes, I weigh 304 pounds." He beamed proudly at his accomplishment and hung up the phone.
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Sorry, I'm Really REALLY Bad At Math, And I Had A Hell-Of-A-Time Trying To Decipher The Exact Weight Gain From 116 To 144, 168, And 300. I'm Sorry If I Was Off. Also, WOW! Was This The Weirdest Friggin' Chapter Ever Or What? XD Poor Heiderich. (Note: Please Do Not Be Offended If You Weigh The Same As Hippo!Ed. This Was A Joke Fic, I Repeat, A Joke Fic. Remember, Ed Is Very Short,)