WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

----------------OMGHOHENHEIMKNOCKEDUPTRISHA!---------------------

One lazy afternoon in Rizembul, Trish Elric was sprinkling cookie crumbs on the floor. Don't ask why, because I haven't a clue. Anyway, there she was sprinkling away, when the door to the house was thrust open.

"LUCY, I'M HO-OME!" Trisha's hubby, Hohenheim bellowed as he burst through the door. Trisha squealed and dropped the remaining cookie to the floor. She ran up to Hohenheim and gave him a hug.

"Oh Ho-ho! How I've missed you!" she cried, kissing him passionately on the lips. Hohenheim greedily snogged her back and ran his hands through her hair. Suddenly, he stopped and pulled back in alarm.

"What is it?" Trisha asked nervously, seeing the fear growing in Hohenheim's eyes. Hohenheim shuddered and pointed a finger to her stomach.

"Y-Y-Y-You're a friggin' whale!" he shrieked. Trish blinked, then eyed her stomach and laughed.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to tell you! Remember 9 months ago when we…you know…did it?"

Hohenheim furrowed his brow. "Did what? What did we do?" he questioned.

Trisha made strange indications with her hands. "You know! When we…mmph…and…urmmed…and…ooohed!"

Hohenheim still didn't understand. "What? I don't understand! Did we play charades?"

Trisha sighed and decided to switch tactics. Maybe animal noises would help. "Hubba-hubba! Wee-woo! Ooh…OOHHH! Ei-Ei-Ei! OH YESS! Purr..purr…WOOF WOOF! Pant..pant…pant…"

Trisha paused to catch her breath. Hohenheim stared at her as if she were an escaped homicidal maniac. "What? What is it boy? Did Timmy fall down the well? Take me to him!"

Hohenheim ran for the door. Trisha growled and stomped her foot. "You idiot! You friggin' knocked me up!" she shouted. Hohenheim immediately halted and spun around.

"Oh…is that all? I get it! So you're preggers with our first thing! That's wonderful!" he gave his wife a big bear hug, conceivably squooshing the baby in the process.

----------------OMGHOHENHEIMKNOCKEDUPTRISHA!---------------------

Several hours later, Hohenheim was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee and reading the paper, and Trisha was sweeping the cookie crumbs off the floor.

"Sooooooo," Hohenheim began, taking a small sip of coffee. "When is this thing of yours gonna pop out?"

"Any day now!" Trisha replied excitedly, "It's a good thing you came or you would have missed it!"

"Yeah………………damn………….." Hohenheim muttered in reply. Suddenly, Trisha cried out in pain and collapsed onto the ground.

"AUGH! MY NON-EXISTENT TESTICLES!" she cried, clutching the place were her testicles would be if she had any. Hohenheim instinctively rushed to her side.

"Oh God Trisha, don't die on me! Please don't die on me! You have to unclog the toilet!" Hohenheim whined, weeping into her huge stomach.

"Hrnn…I'm not dead, you imbecile! The baby's coming!" Trisha mumbled through clenched teeth. Hohenheim snorted and wrinkled his face in disgust.

"God! He hasn't even arrived yet and he's already masturbating? That's nasty!"

Trisha let out another yelp and weakly bitch-slapped her husband. "No you obnoxious turd! The baby is coming!"

"Oh…Ohh!" It finally registered in Hohenheim's mind. He hastily leapt to his feet and ran for the door, thrusting it open. "Hey baby! Hurry up and get in the house, you're killing my friggin' wife!" he hollered.

"AUGH!" Trisha howled. "He's not out there you retard! The baby it still inside of me! I'M FRIGGIN' GOING INTO LABOUR!"

"Oh my God!" Hohenheim gasped, flailing his arms and running around in circles. "It's coming! It's coming! Friggin' Apocalypse! The world will end! I'm gonna be someone's Daddy!"

Trisha managed to turn herself to one side and grab the handle of her broom. Swinging it to the left, she caught it under Hohenheim's foot and tripped him, causing him to tumble to the ground with a loud THUMP! Followed by the entire house quivering.

"Now listen very carefully Hohenheim," Trisha slowly instructed to her weeping husband. "I need you to run over to the Rockbell's place and bring Pinako here. Can you do that?"

Hohenheim looked thoughtful. "Maybe. But how do I get outside?"

"Go over to the door, open it, and take one step. You'll be outside."

"Yes but…where is the door?"

"Right there."

"Where?"

"Right there." Trisha pointed to the wooden door, which only stood like, 2 meters away. Hohenheim followed her finger and whimpered.

"I'll never make it! I'll get lost! Can you draw me a map?" he asked, handing Trisha a sheet of paper and a pencil. Trisha, obviously too tired and weak from trying to retain the baby, snatched the pencil and paper and quickly drew a sloppy map.

"There…see? Just turn around, take 4 steps and you'll be at the door."

Hohenheim observed the map carefully. "No! I can't do it! It's too far! I'll go get my car and drive there!"

Before Trisha could object, Hohenheim leapt to his feet and ran out the door. Moments later, the side of the house crumbled and the front of the Elric's car appeared.

"Okay, I got the car! Now give me directions to the door!"

The baby's head popped out of Trisha's...-incoherent mumbling-, causing her to cry out in agony. "Auuugh, hurry up dibshit, I can feel it's head!"

Hohenheim yelped and revved the engine. "Just gimme the directions to the door, muffin-cake!" he called. Trisha whimpered and raised a shaky finger to point to the door.

"Ahh, so that's where it is!" Hohenheim muttered to himself, "Well, I'll be there in no time!" He stepped down on the gas pedal and turned the steering wheel.

"Stacy's Mom has got it going on! She's all I want and I've waited for so long!" Hohenheim sang as he scanned through the radio. Suddenly, he rammed his foot on the brake. The car came to an abrupt stop and he hastily clambered out, clutching his crotch and doing the potty dance.

"Hrnn…problem?" Trisha asked. The blonde-haired man pointed to his crotch. "I gotta go pee! I gotta go pee!" he yelled, dancing around his wife in a comical manner.

"Then go!" Trisha hissed through her clenched jaw.

"But I need you to help me! I have a really bad aim, 'member?"

"Hohenheim, honey, there's a time in every man's life when he must learn to pee on his own…you can do it!"

"No I can't! No I can't!" Tears began to stream down Hohenheim's face. He had to go really badly!

"Okay," Trisha consented with a sigh, "I'll drag myself to the bathroom and help you piss, even though it could possibly kill the baby and injure me for life…"

"Thanks!" Hohenheim grabbed his wife by the foot and dragged her down the hall and into the bathroom. He let her fall to the floor then clumsily grasped his pants and pulled them down.

"Okay, now tell me which way to pee!" he cheerfully chirped. Trisha pointed to the porcelain toilet, which was attached to the wall about 3 feet away.

"Oh no, I can't make it all the way there! I'll get lost! You must give me clearer directions!" Hohenheim whined. The baby's shoulders squeezed their way out of Trisha's…-cough-, evoking a shrill scream to escape from her lips.

"J-Just pee in the white b-bowl!" she seethed, rolling around on the ground in agony. Hohenheim cupped his hands over his eyes and observed the diminutive bathroom.

"Where? I don't see any white bowl!"

"Right….AUGH!" Trisha's water suddenly broke, and it spilled all over the clean floor, drowning the Elric's poor cat Bubba.

Hohenheim, who was still in the midst of doing his potty dance, didn't seem to notice the liquid on the ground and slipped on it. The shock from the sudden fall caused him to forget about trying to hold in his pee, and he accidentally peed all over the floor.

"Oh…Oh no…now my water broke!" Hohenheim bawled. "Oh God Trisha, I'm pregnant too! You have to help me! Oh, I'm drowning!" the idiotic blonde made over-dramatic sobbing noises and immersed his head into the few inches of water.

Trisha fruitlessly attempted to drag herself out of the bathroom before her child drowned, but Hohenheim had gripped her leg and was now trying to rip it off and paddle himself to shore.

"No Trisha! Give me your leg! Don't fight it, dear! Give me your leg and I'll paddle to shore and find help!"

"Hohenheim…screw off!" Trisha kicked the man in his face, effectively freeing her leg. Hohenheim spread his weight out on the ground, so his entire body was immersed in the water.

"Trisha, help! The garden gnomes got me! They're trying to steal my underwear! Get them off! Get them off!" The blonde male kicked his legs dramatically and flailed his arms, trying very hard to keep his head under the 3 inches of water.

Trisha managed to grasp the dry wall and pushed open the door (Why was it closed in the first place?)

"Hohenheim! You have to save the baby! Drag me into the living room, dear! Please, hurry!"

Hohenheim, with a sudden burst of bravery, jumped to his feet and grabbed his wife by the hair. It was a life-risking struggle, but Hohenheim managed to drag his wife out the door and into the living room, where he collapsed into a wet pile on the floor.

"Oh God…I did it!" Hohenheim gasped once he'd caught his breath. "I peed all by myself! Did you see me, Trisha?"

Trisha didn't reply. The baby was halfway out now, but it's enormous ass (Courtesy of Hohenheim,) was too big to fit through her…-clears throat-. She pushed with all her might, but the damn baby wouldn't budge! Sweat poured down her face in little rivulets as she strained.

Hohenheim stood to one side, watching her with curious hazel eyes. "Trisha, honey, do you have a bladder stone?"

"N-No!" Trisha gasped, squeezing her eyes shut, "T-The baby is stuck! He won't come out! H-Help me, Hohenheim! "

Hohenheim knew his wife needed help. In a second burst of bravery, he ran over to the couch and pushed it over to his wife. He then climbed onto the couch and stood on the arm.

"The crowd is silent. Hohenheim is about to attempt a never-before attempted move! The super-mega cannonball! He-"

"Hurry up you narcissistic piece of monkey feces!" Trisha interrupted.

"Right!" Hohenheim held out his arms in a manner reminiscent to that of a diver, then bounced three times and leapt onto Trisha's stomach.

The moment he hit, a fat, pink ball burst out of Trisha's…-cough-, and flew across the room until he smashed into the far wall. Both adults watched their newborn baby slide down the wall, landing on the ground with a near-inaudible thump, and leaving a trail of slime.

"Oh thank God!" Trisha breathed in relief as she slumped back onto the floor. Hohenheim cheered and did a little victory dance, before running to the baby's side.

Hohenheim bent down and began affectionately petting the little creature. "I shall pet him and love him and call him Batman!" he crooned.

"Well, is it a boy or a girl?" Trisha asked sleepily. The blonde man separated the baby's legs and took a quick glance.

"It's a girl! But she has a penis…not to worry! I'll cut it off!" he produced a pocket knife from his pants and prepared to slice the child's genitals off.

"No! Idiot, he's a boy! Don't you dare cut his manhood off!" The brunette snapped. Hohenheim immediately shoved the blade into his pocket.

"O-Okay. So what are we gonna call him? Batman?"

"Hell no!" was Trisha's quick reply. "We're going to call him…Edward."

"Edward?" Hohenheim repeated. "Hm, I like Batman better."

----------------OMGHOHENHEIMKNOCKEDUPTRISHA!---------------------

And That's The Story Of Edward's Birth. Now Wasn't That Interesting? –Takes a Puff From Pipe- I Hope You Enjoyed It! I Didn't. I Had To Type It While Listening To My Mother And Brothers Screaming And Cursing At Eachother. I Was Feeling Very Stressed, So I'm Sorry If This One Has Grammar Or Spelling Mistakes.