A/N I'm so terribly sorry for anyone who is still reading this. I'd been away and whole bunch of other things happened with my computer so that's why this has come so late. Last we left off Ryan had gone over to Marissa's to talk after having his epiphany, only to fine Ethan there with her and he decides to leave quietly and we go from there...

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Marissa dashed out of the dorm room and headed for the elevator at almost a jogs pace. Turning the corner, an elevator door had just closed on her and was on its way down. Quickly she pushed the button, calling for another lift. Running her fingers through her hair she tugged at it in frustration, trying to ease the tension that was building up. The look on his face as he left, gave her enough reason to be anxious, and each second she waited, was another second he would get closer to being gone. Aimlessly, she wondered if it had been wiser to change directions and take the stairs, but it was too late. A bell went off and gave Marissa hope. She stepped hurriedly into the lift, taming the vertigo as she let the unit transport her to the ground floor.

The cold stainless steel opened, letting him out. Passing strangers going about their routines, he pulled back the wooden double doors and stepped out of the building and dragged himself through the crisp night air. Thick clouds blanketed the sky and fought to keep the moon stay hidden. After leaving Sarah's room, it was there he knew what he had wanted. He had been denying the truth about his feelings for Marissa, keeping it hidden and glazing over it like it weren't there, trying to move on like it would've been the easiest thing in the world to do. They were working as friends, he had managed to delude himself for a while that his life would continue like clockwork and he would function just fine without her. But just fine was just that. Like he told Sarah, life would go on, but heart-stopping, memorable moments would never be built upon 'just fines'. He couldn't go back. He didn't want to go home. The one person he needed the most at that moment was most likely sitting comfortably on a sofa watching her favourite film in the company of his replacement. Turning the key in the ignition he drove away into nothingness, leaving no signs of where he may be headed next.

"You still love her, and not just 'you're my brother', or 'you're my friend so I love you' kind of love, you love her 'cause well, because she's Marissa…"

The red lights of the Rover became a streaming blur as her deep strides were only enough to catch him as the wheels turned to carry him off in the opposite direction. Without warrant she made an unprepared dash to the residents parking and backed her car out in hopes she would be successful in finding him once on the road. She had no idea why it was so important to her to go after him this time. There was nothing for her to explain. No apologies to be made. But yet she couldn't let him go. That's all it ever came down to. Marissa never really could let him go. A part of him was always bound to remain with her. Ryan's car exited the university gates. She kept her distance as she proceeded to follow, wondering where this car ride would take her. From the corner of her eye the illuminated street lamps passed by like floating dancers, the shadows created by signposts like a puppet show, acted out on her windows.

He crossed the bridge into San Francisco. Stopping at a set of lights as the beautiful people around him with smiles on their faces, would inadvertently ridicule his state. But one girl, out in the distance, she sat alone by a bus stop with a morbid expression on her face. He couldn't help but wonder what her story was. Where she'd come from, where she was going. Why the look on her face. Was she feeling just as bad as he was? A lover lost, or still hoping to be found; he wondered. The lights change hues and its time to move on. As he drives through the hilled pathways, he thinks of her; pines for her and wonders what he's meant to do without her. Contemplates on the time wasted and wishes he could revise the choices he's made. If he could go back to certain forks in the road he would go the other direction. Ryan comes to a stop and switches off the engine and steps out.

His car is parked and the lights switch off, he steps out and she parks her own vehicle at a distance. Marissa watches him as he stands alone in the dim light, looking out into calm waters. He places his hands into his jean pockets as he stares out into the bright city lights. What made him go back to this spot she had no idea. Carefully she closed her door and spent the next few minutes as a silent observer; knowing now that something wasn't right if he had to have come here. She walked toward him, looking so vulnerable and wanting nothing more than reach out to him. But she didn't have to.

With his back turned and still setting his sights on the travellers passing the burnt orange thoroughfare, he feels her presence, "I wouldn't have guessed you followed me." He says softly, as she is slightly startled he knew she were there.

"You left in a hurry." She said plainly with a smile on her face and his back still turned.

"You were in the middle of something…" Ryan replied with no expression, still unable to face her.

Marissa brought herself by his side and folded her arms to help shield the cold. "I invited you in…"

"I wasn't really up for a movie." He said softly while turning his head and staring deep into her eyes.

"…of course not…." She said knowingly as the sea breeze carried over the mount, brushed back her wavy hair.

He took a seat on the fresh earth, "I've been doing some thinking."

"Oh?" Innocently she asked, as she followed suit and sat down with him.

"I've always been trying to do what's best you know. Fooling myself; into believing I know what I'm meant to do…but the truth is I don't. I don't always make the right choices."

Marissa bit her lip and continued to listen.

"I thought I could do it you know…but I can't" It was like their roles were now reversed, it was his turn to do the talking as she listened on the mount, staring back at him as his eyes were fixed on the nature that was around him. She had no idea what was going through his mind, she could barely understand what he would be concluding to, so she did what she could and waited for whatever else he would say.

"Sarah tried to kiss me tonight..." At this, Marissa's ears perked up and she was expressionless and hoped Ryan would tell her more. "I pulled away…she just broke up with Roy, I think she just got caught up, maybe…I pulled away and when I walked out of there I realised something I should've always know. Or maybe always known but tried so hard to keep it hidden…I love you...but I can't watch you…" He could feel the world move in slow motion and he struggled to find the words to continue; his palette becoming heavy and his mind running in circles. "I can't watch you…I can't be around you, if you decide to be with Ethan, I don't know if I can just sit there as someone tries to find a way into your life, and I know that might be selfish-"

She couldn't at all believe what she was hearing, on one end of the scale he was finally beginning to tell her what she had been needing to know for so long; that he still wanted her. On the other… "-you're right it is selfish", she said softly to no one in particular as she stared into a void and tried to process everything in that moment. He looked at her, caught off guard by what she'd just said.

Marissa got up and turned to face him as she felt her body heat up and her head begin to ache, "It is selfish!" She spat out, with hurt in her tone. "What are you saying? That if by chance I move on, you can't stay? That it's too hard for you to keep being a friend? That's what you're saying isn't it?"

"Marissa-" He pleaded wondering where this sudden outburst was coming from.

"No!" She said firmly. "No. Okay." Tears began building up and in the dim light he saw the dews glisten from the corner of her eye and he was speechless.

"You can't do that! I watched you!" Marissa let out at almost a yell as she let her pain collapse. "I watched you! I stayed! I sat in that room, on the other side of you while you…" She said, taking a gulp of air, "I watched you with Sarah…that day we went back to your place. Then I listened to you laughing together while I stood jealous in the kitchen at thanksgiving. I stayed! I sat there and took it and said nothing…and you don't think…you don't think that was hard for me? But I'm here aren't I? Doing everything you asked of me…"

Ryan was at a complete loss as he listened to her pour herself out to him, watching her tears hit the ground as he sat there wanting to comfort her but knowing it wasn't the time.

She took a deep breath as her body began to shiver, "I stared down at you as we fell on the grass…and I thought…I thought this was it you know. I wanted nothing more than to be with you, at that moment, I thought…I felt it. Was that just me?"

Ryan looked up at her, with her body blocking out the sun from his vision, she looked as if she was almost glowing, like gold had outlined her body. She really was his Godsend. They could feel each breath they exhaled, and as she felt his body rise and fall from taking deeper breaths, he could almost feel her heartbeat quicken its pace.

It was there, they were both hesitant, but it was there and they both wanted it; even Ryan who had been denying her all this time, couldn't help but fall in love with her all over again as he stared up into her eyes.

He remembered and he stared down ashamed of himself. Unable to speak as he felt a pang of guilt.

"It was hard for her too I've seen how you are with Sarah, so has Marissa. If you don't know what I mean then I think you need to think about that, and if I were you, I'd go back and re-trace your steps to find out where you went wrong…"

That was it, where he went wrong; now piecing together everything that Marissa had been saying. "No, it wasn't just you…" He said softly as he eyes began to show his anguish.

She nodded her head, "it felt like it…and now you're going to tell me that it's too hard for you, to see that someone might actually want to be with me…because you didn't." Her cries fell freely as he fought his own tears to stay concealed. Marissa took a deep breath, "You've only decided now that this is what you want because of the fear you might not get it back…"

"That's not true." Ryan said adamant; hurt by her words and feeling worse at the thought that this is how he made her feel.

"I was afraid too, but it was either you as my friend or nothing. I chose you…I decided having you in my life whichever way was better than not having you at all. But you can't say the same now…"

Ryan was taken aback with every word that hit him right where it would affect him the most, his heart palpitations quickened. "I know it doesn't sound fair…" he said in a hoarse whisper as he quickly regretted every syllable he let out.

Rain began to fall lightly, and it became harder to distinguish the rain from the salted tears upon her face. Watching the person he loved, a step away and yet so distanced from him. He watched her, falling deeper into an abyss as he watched her whimper like a child; a child that had been angered by a world that had wronged her, but still so afraid in its entirety that it could swallow her whole if she revealled too much.

"You're right it's not fair! You can't decide that you want me when it's convenient for you…It doesn't work that way! You wanted a break and I gave it to you, I wanted nothing more than to be with you, but I did it for you!" Marissa said in desperation as she spoke louder over the drops that would hit the surface. "This is what you wanted! Now that I'm actually trying to get on with my life, that's when you decide to tell me…you're right it's selfish and it's not fair. But I know that…"

It was inevitable, tears slowly streamed from his eyes as he listened to every word she cried out. Paining him as it pained her. Wishing he could change things now more than ever, but it was too late. Their clothes becoming soaked with each passing second, standing in the rain as they released everything they had let go unspoken for so long.

Marissa took another deep breath and tried to carry out her next words, "I know life isn't fair…because if it were you would've kissed me that day as we lay there. If it were fair I wouldn't have to sit beside you a few hours later and watch you flirt with Sarah. If it were fair then I could move on with this amazing guy, who wants to be with me…but I can't. Because I'm still in love with you…and that's not just going to go away…" She stood there sobbing and he stood up meeting her gaze through their blurred vision. She ran her fingers through her hair and stared back down at the damp earth.

Ryan attempted to reach out to her, bringing his hands closer but couldn't find the right way to comfort her so he let it fall back down to his side. "Marissa…Marissa I'm sorry." He choked out, no longer knowing what to say.

"…me too." She said as her voice cracked and took one last look at him. With that she walked off into the night, back into her car; helpless as he watched her leave, unable to hold on to her and wishing she stayed, even if they had only stood in silence. Ryan now the only one left standing as the rain plummeted harder and his tears fell in motion with the storm.

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