"So who else knows, Lister?"
"Er, Chen and Selby," Lister said, "oh, and Kochanski."
Rimmer took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. He didn't want to overreact, but he'd only just recovered from his panic attack over the cats and he could feel another one coming on. How was he supposed to react to finding out the secret of their pretend relationship was out? It turned out he didn't need to say anything. His expression must have said it for him.
"Look, it's not my fault. I didn't tell 'em, Tim did."
"And I suppose you and your pals had a good laugh at my expense, eh?"
Lister frowned. "No. Why would you think that?"
"Well, because… because…" Rimmer began and found he couldn't finish that sentence. Every reason his brain supplied was either nasty or homophobic or both. He had to fight hard not to automatically regurgitate what he had heard constantly while growing up.
"Look man, it takes two to tango. And if my mates made fun of us for being together, they wouldn't be my mates any more, get me?"
Lister's tone was sharp, and Rimmer was sorely tempted to argue back and defend himself. But Lister had a point, and Rimmer found his own arguments crumbling around him. It was hard to admit even to himself, but he was scared. He looked down at his feet. "'m sorry," he muttered.
"What was that?"
"I'm sorry, Listy. This isn't the easiest for me."
Lister reached out and touched Rimmer's bare forearm, and Rimmer had to stop himself from reacting to the sudden sensation of Lister's hand against his skin, fingers wrapping round his arm and giving it a gentle squeeze. "You're doing fine. I really appreciate the effort you're making, me and Frankenstein both do."
Rimmer swallowed the lump in his throat. Looking at Lister's honest, smiling face, he couldn't help but feel guilty for snapping and getting defensive. Despite all the problems Lister caused, Rimmer felt lucky to have such a great friend and bunkmate. He didn't want to ruin that.
"We're a team, yeah?" Lister said, bumping Rimmer's arm with his fist.
Rimmer nodded and attempted a smile. He wondered if he could get away with putting his arms around Lister and pulling him into a hug. That was an ordinary, friendly thing to do, right? But then he thought about how Lister had kissed him last night - that had been an accident, right? - and didn't want to risk giving him the wrong idea. Rimmer didn't want Lister to think he might be really interested in him in a romantic sense. Because that was ridiculous. Why would he be? His heart was already playing a quick march at the thought of it. The thought of the embarrassment of the potential miscommunication. Not the thought of being romantically involved with Lister. He wanted to shake himself. Just the thought of it was getting him all flustered.
"Well, better get dressed for our shift," Lister said, thankfully unaware of Rimmer's thought process.
Rimmer looked at his watch and nearly fell over. "You mean the one that started fifteen minutes ago?"
"Yeah, that one."
"H-how could this happen? I've never been late for a shift. I came back from my jog on time - Petersen! It's Petersen's fault."
"You leave Petersen outta this," Lister said as he hinted for a clean uniform shirt. "He's your pal too now, by association with me."
Rimmer didn't understand how that worked, but didn't question it as it would only make them even more late for their shift.
"I wonder why this Tim character hates us so much?" Rimmer said as they made their way down the corridors to the first faulty vending machine on their list.
"What do you mean?"
"Telling everybody about us. I mean, what have we done to him?"
Lister shrugged. "He might just be a terrible gossip. I mean, there's not much going on around here, is there?"
"Not much going on? Lister, we're in space on a ship the size of a major city. You'd have to be seriously lacking in the observation department if you thought there wasn't much going on," Rimmer said, and looked down at the schedule to see what was wrong with the first vending machine. "Why would that lot be so interested in us anyway?"
"Because they're me mates. They're gonna take an interest when I start seeing someone new, aren't they? And Kochanski, well she's probably just happy I've moved on," Lister said, watching Rimmer unscrew the front panel of the vending machine.
"Which you definitely have," Rimmer said pointedly, working single-handedly at identifying the source of the clog.
"Oh c'mon, gimme a break. I'm trying here. It takes time, you know," Lister said, and started to hand Rimmer various tools.
"You know, it doesn't reflect tremendously well on me, Listy, if you still haven't gotten over your ex."
"Oh, so now you're all serious about it, are you?" Lister said. Rimmer had his back to him so he couldn't see his face, but he could see a slight pink tinge creeping up his neck.
"I was only saying!" Rimmer snapped.
And that could have meant anything. Was Rimmer admitting in a roundabout way that he was jealous? Or was Lister getting the wrong end of the stick? It hadn't bothered him that Kochanski wasn't jealous about hearing he was with someone else. But now he found himself wishing and hoping that Rimmer was jealous. He was dying to know how he really felt about this whole situation. If Lister found that out, maybe he could figure out how he felt himself.
He couldn't just ask. That would be playing with fire. Jealousy, along with anger and anxiety were the only feelings Rimmer seemed to let himself express. Lister had never really known anyone else from Io very well, but if Rimmer was anything to go off, they had clung onto the sort of toxic masculinity the rest of the solar system had grown out of centuries ago. Lister could easily imagine Rimmer in the role of one of those husbands from old tv shows who mostly ignored his family and occasionally broke his silence to shout at them. And that was a weird thing to try and reconcile with the man who had kissed him so passionately.
As Rimmer fixed the machine, Lister fiddled with the tools and spare parts on the trolley. He felt like he was hovering over the control panel, dying to press the big red button that set off the nukes. "Jealous?" he said, after a whole ten seconds of fighting himself.
There was a snap, and Rimmer was pelted with a high-pressure beam of baked beans. He turned to look at Lister, beans sliding down his face and tomato sauce splattered all over him.
Lister attempted a disarming smile, and passed Rimmer the roll of paper towels. Rimmer snatched them off him and tried to clean himself up. Lister fought the urge to laugh.
"Look at what you've made me do! You've made me snap the tube. Now we're going to have to replace the whole smegging thing!"
"At least it's unblocked," Lister offered.
"This shirt is ruined," Rimmer said, still trying to wipe off the tomato sauce. "I think it's even soaked through to my undershirt."
Lister shrugged. "Look at it this way, now you've less laundry to do."
Rimmer sighed and shook his head. His attempt to remain serious was hampered by his bean juice splattered shirt, but he did his best. "Right, what gauges of tube do we have with us?"
"I dunno, thin, thick and medium? Like, a few different mediums."
"Fine, I'll look," Rimmer said, comparing the old, broken tubing to the selection on the trolley. "The worst part is we were already behind."
"Don't worry about it. People complain even when we get 'em fixed up quick," Lister said. The worst part in his opinion was that he never got to get an answer out of Rimmer. Or had he? The tube snapping might not have been a coincidence.
Rimmer was very glad to get to the end of their shift so he could finally change out of his soggy bean juice stained shirt. He was extremely sick of the "hilarious" jokes people made when walking past, which consisted of a) he'd been stabbed, b) he was a murderer, and c) he had slopped his lunch down himself like an infant. He wound up taking another shower after Lister found a bean in his hair.
After he got out of the shower, he found Lister sitting on the floor with the cats. "Come and join us," he said, patting the floor next to him.
Rimmer knelt down on the floor and ran his hand along Frankenstein's back. He felt her wiggle slightly and start purring.
"I was thinkin', we need to name the kittens. We should do it together."
"I don't know, I've never had to name kittens before."
"It's easy. Just look at 'em and say what you think they look like," Lister said.
"So, furry lumps one through seven?" Rimmer said.
"Oh come on Rimmer, be serious."
"Is that how you came up with Frankenstein? She doesn't exactly look like the one from the film."
Lister shrugged. "I dunno, it was the first thing that came into me head," he said. "Ok I'll start, these two ginger ones can be Jim and Bexley. I always said if I had two boys I'd call them that, but who knows when I'll get to be a father?"
"Jim and Bexley?" Rimmer said with a snort. "You mean like Jim Bexley Speed?"
"And you say you don't like zero gee football!" Lister said, elbowing him.
Rimmer shook his head. "It's not as if I want to listen to it," he said, looking down at the kittens. He touched the grey fur of the smallest one with one finger, and it made a tiny squeak. "I'm naming this one Napoleon."
"Napoleon? Ok, now I regret asking you to help."
"Napoleon is a good, solid name. A far sight better than Frankenstein."
"Oi," Lister said.
"Napoleon was short in stature, like this little one, and you, Lister."
"I'm average height. It's not my fault you're a right lanky git."
"No need to get all defensive, Listy."
"I'm not."
"This one can be Arnold Rimmer II."
"That's it, I'm taking away your naming privileges, Rimmer!"
"What? Why? That's what I'd name my first-born son."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"But it's just a poor innocent kitten. You can't saddle it with a name like that."
"You mean my name?"
"I'm messin' with yer," Lister said, pushing Rimmer playfully.
After some discussion and further squabbling, Lister called one Godzilla and Rimmer named the final two Attila and Dante.
Rimmer didn't know if it was his imagination, but now the kittens had names, they were now no longer a homogeneous writhing mass, but individuals with their own personalities. They got bigger, their eyes opened and they started moving around more. He and Lister started taking opposite shifts so they could keep an eye on them and didn't have to leave them on their own as much.
It was very strange, effectively co-parenting this little family with Lister. It added an extra dimension to their already complex relationship. Lister doted on them with such care and attention that would have made him an exemplary colleague if he used it in his actual job. Lister was happy, the cats were happy. Rimmer would be happy if he knew they would never be found out. Sometimes he almost forgot how serious a transgression this was.
If he wasn't careful he would find himself thinking of the kittens as his children. Rimmer had always thought about loyalty as being towards the Space Corps and the JMC, but he came to the realisation that he would sell both of them down the river if they threatened Lister and their family of cats.
His father would be furious if he knew the kind of person he had become. Part of him felt terribly guilty about that. But another part had only one word to say. Good.