When (Nice?) NEET's Finish Last, or Get the Last Laugh
Chapter 11: A Curse on this Role Reversal
(suggested by Casual Reader)
RING-RING-RRIIINNNGGG!
I hate that stupid bell, I really do. I'd toss it in the trach and be done with it if I could.
I open my eyes, debate on if I could just go ahead and ignore this incoming soul and go right back to bed. I was having the nicest of dreams just a moment ago. In that dream, me and Eris had finally...
RING-RING-RING
Fine, I'll get up... see, I'm up now.
With great effort, I manage to push myself up and out of the bed. I stretch and yawn before snapping my fingers, turning my night clothes into my regular work wear. I then turn my attention to my lavish and ornate bed, snapping my fingers again which turns my bed into a a throne which I then sit on.
My name is Kazuma; God of sloth and fortune and brother to the Goddess of sloth and violence, also known as Wolbach.
Quick side note, there are always two divine beings who oversee any one type of thing. As an example, both me and my sister reign over the nature of sloth while our secondary aspect always differs from the other, hence why I'm also the god of fortune and Wolbach being the goddess of violence.
When I completed my godly training, I was tasked with being the one who watches over peaceful Japan. So far, it's been a decent job; easy enough as it allows me a great deal of time to be lazy, as is my nature. Of course, there was more to me being the god I am than just my nature, but that's not important for this tail.
Once I was comfortable upon my throne, I wait and wait and wait and wait for the soul that was being sent before me to finally appear. It wasn't often I received a visitor in the form of a dearly departed as usually, when someone dies, they died because it was their time to go. For a soul to appear before me, it meant that something unexpected had happened to cause them to suffer a premature ending.
A swirl of light appears in the room and from out of the swirl came the shape of a girl...
A girl wearing a rather odd outfit; blue and practically skintight and sporting a really short skirt on it. Even weirder was the fact she had blue hair which I'm guessing was a dye job as certain colors, like blue, weren't naturally possible on Earth last time I checked. She also had knee high boots and an ornament in her hair that looked like a water molecule in its design.
The new arrival opens her eyes, revealing blue eyes which, along with the rest of her, tells me she must really love the color blue. As she begins to look around my world, I speak up to explain her current situation.
"Greetings mortal. I'm sure you must be very confused as to your current situation right now. You see, I..."
"Hm, what's going on? Mister manger, are you playing another prank on me? You know, like that time you had me join you in your office and the only lights inside came from those scented candles and you had that weird music playing and you made me drink that odd tasting tea which made me feel really sleepy..."
"OK-OK, please don't say anything more. I think I know where that story is going, and I really don't want to have my thoughts confirmed."
The girl jumps at hearing my voice, making it clear that she didn't realize I was in the room till just this moment. As she studies me, I also look at her as a thought begins to rise within me.
"You... this place; you wouldn't happen to be a... a fan of mine, would you?"
I shake my head before I begin my explanation.
"Not quite, miss. There's a lot to explain so please bear with me, if you will. Let's start our little talk with giving each other our names. My name is..."
"A stalker then? If so, then you better show more brains that what you look to have inside your head and return me to the outside world at once, less you suffer the wraith of all my TRUE fans."
"Come again? Look, I'm trying to tell you that..."
"Do you have any idea just who I am buddy?"
"No, I don't know who you are... which is why I'm trying to establish each other's identities right here and now. As I was saying, my name is..."
"Have you been living under a rock all this time? You have to have been if you don't know who I am. Very well, the gracious me shall enlighten you right now so make sure you burn my words into your tiny brain."
Tiny... brain? This stuck-up brat, who does she think she is?
The girl takes on a pose as she proudly proclaims aloud-
"My name is Aqua. Yes, the Idol Goddess Aqua; Japan's number one daughter and she who is beloved by all far and wide across the globe whose love flows forth like the waters of creation. Now, I will not expect you to bow before me, peasant, but I will expect you to pay me one-hundred thousand yen if you wish for my holy autograph."
The girl... no, this self-proclaimed goddess does a spin around before holding her hand out to me; likely waiting for me to fork over the cash in exchange for an autograph. Instead, I just sit there for a moment before making a forced coughing sound followed by me saying-
"So, you're a... goddess, huh? Funny thing that as you see, I too am of the divine. I just so happen to be the God of Sloth and Fortune, but you can just call me Kazuma. I am the deity that watches over Japan, and I regret to inform you that you have..."
Once again, before I could finish, the girl interrupts me. This time, she burst out into a laugh which makes me frown at her.
"Is something funny to you. Was it something I said?"
"Yes, there's plenty of funny. I mean... to hear you say that you are a GOD. No offense, but have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately. You look, and dress, like a bum. There's no way someone like you could ever even be worthy of such a title, especially when compared to a true goddess such as I."
I could feel a twitch in my eye at her words. I look and dress like a bum. Where does this little...
"You know, kid. It takes big balls to go around insulting a god like you just did. You might want to be careful less I send you on a one-way trip to someplace not nice."
"Seriously, still trying to act all high and mighty there... um, guy. Fine, the kindhearted me shall explain to you the difference between us and how I am a real Goddess and you are just a low-brow loser. First, there's your appearance like I said. You see, those clothes of yours..."
As the girl names Aqua begins her long and questionable explanation behind why I couldn't be a real god and why she was a real goddess, I decide to ignore her in favor of reading up on her personal stats and information. Once I had summoned her book of life and opened it, the contents were quite telling.
First off, her real name was Satou Ai. She was a sixteen-year-old girl born into a very rich family. Because of this, she wanted for nothing as her parents spoiled her rotten. And not just any normal amount of spoiling either. The degree of spoiling they did with her caused her to develop a mentality that the whole world was at her beck and call. She got what she wanted when she wanted it. Did what she wanted, when she wanted to.
She had never once heard the words no as a response to her asking, or demanding, anything.
When she was ten, she saw her first idol and decided she wanted to become an idol as well. Her parents made her desire come true and paid a crap ton of money to make it happen. Not just help her to become an idol but to make her THE idol who was most well-known across Japan.
She had a strong ego, a superiority complex, and had even come to believe that she was a goddess walking around in a mortal body, hence the reason she calls herself an idol goddess. Because of her spoiled brat who will never accept any fault or failure as being of her own making mentality, she has become very unpopular, perhaps even hated, by the other idols, thus they refuse to work with her.
Of course, Ai thinks they're just being shy and not feeling worthy to stand at her side. The idol name she has chosen to go by is Aqua... I figured that much out already. She's also a helpless drunk. Terrific; now let's find out how she died.
"... and you have this stink about you that makes me think you haven't bathed in months..."
Well, I'm sorry we can't all smell as roses like you do. Now, onto the big question.
Hm... she was walking down the street and fails to notice the sign at the cross walk telling her to stop because her attention was focused on the water molecule hair ornament she had just gotten and was in awe of how the light danced off it. As she reaches the middle of the road, good old truck-kun...
Aw, I think I know how this ends.
The driver of truck-kun spots Aqua and tries to avoid hitting her... and he succeeds? Yes, I can't believe it, but he actually swerved just enough to avoid hitting her... only to go crashing into a bus waiting patiently off to the side filled with a dozen tourist... killing twelve people as a result.
I turn to look at Aqua who was still going on and on how I couldn't be a god.
I wonder if she can even grasp the idea that her stupidity caused twelve people to die just moments ago? Actually, I wonder if she would even believe me if I told her or even care? Wait, if it wasn't truck-kun who killed her, then who... oh, that's what happened.
It turns out a few moments after she had reached the other side of the road, her brain finally registers the crash having happened, making her look back then comment absentmindedly how "That's proof that all the idiots in this world shouldn't be allowed onto the streets" and in that moment, she...
Walks onto an open manhole, with a clear warning sign she had failed to notice and falls in which is what killed her. I let out a sigh before closing her book of life and saying to myself.
"So, I guess the words of Mel Brooks have been proven true. A tragedy is when one stubs their toe and comedy is when you see someone fall into a sewer and die. I'd be laughing myself right now if it wasn't for all this other stuff. Now, what do you say we..."
"... and no offense, buddy, but my guts telling me you have a very small penis; one that wouldn't even be able to please a hamster, let alone a human girl. Can't be easy to get yourself a lover with all those prob... AAAAHHH, stop it, that hurts."
I had jumped from my throne over to Aqua and had proceeded to give this brain-dead girl an atomic double nooky for a few moments. Once I had reduced her to a cry mess, I return to my throne before speaking with a more serious tone.
"Now look, like it or not... believe it or not, I don't care. Let's just get this over with so we can both get on with our day. Sato Ai..."
"Call me Aqua, you bully."
"(sigh) Aqua, just a few moments ago, you died... in the most pathetic and sad of ways at that. Now, I am required to offer you three choices..."
"Dead, you're saying I'm dead? That's not possible, you shitty bum NEET. There's no way the divine and beautiful me could ever die so young. You must be as stupid as you are..."
KONK!
As Aqua nurses the large bump I smacked onto her head, I tell her with clear agitation in my voice.
"Just shut up and listen for once in your spoiled life, girl. You are dead, you understand that. Dead; D-E-A-D! There's no getting around that so just accept it already so we can get this over with."
"But I can't be dead. I mean, I just got my new hair ornament and was on my way back to the theater I was going to be performing my next show tonight. How is it I died, assuming that this isn't some cheap trick."
"Simple, it all happened when..."
Once I had finished telling her the story, she just stands there for a moment before bursting into a hard laugh.
"That's how... that's the farce of a tale you're going with. Couldn't you have tried to make it sound at least a little believable there, buddy. There's no way the intelligent and observative me would ever make such blunders. Now hurry up and show me the way out of here before I really get angry."
KONK-FWACK!
After being forced to add a few additional pumps on top of the one large bump present on Aqua's head, I sigh again as I rub my temples. This girl was really stressing me out.
"Look Aqua, I don't care what you think right now. The fact is that YOU are DEAD. Accept that already. Now, like I was saying before, you have three options. One, you can start over fresh as a baby in peaceful Japan. Two, you can go on to heaven where you can annoy friends and family for eternity. Or three, you can be given a second chance at life on another world. Which do you choose?"
"Life on another... world? What does that even mean?"
"It means you'll have another chance at living out your life on a new world where you can have a fresh start. I will put the knowledge on that's world language and writings into your (mostly empty) head. I will also (with great reluctance) offer you a special power you can take along with you to make your life easier while on this world."
I really don't want to offer this third option to this girl as I can't help but feel she'll cause no small amount of trouble for poor Eris. But rules are rules and I have to follow them no matter what. I will alert Eris to this one and the troubles she could cause if she does choose too...
Aqua, having heard what I said, was lost in thought for a moment before she lights up, as if a light bulb had come to light within her mind. She bounds her fist into an open palm as she says-
"Oh, I get what's going on now. This is all some sort of game mister manager is playing with me. Alright, I'll play along as this looks like fun. I pick the new world option, bum NEET."
"Right, a game... anyways. (snap) Before you is a list of options available for you to select one special power from that you can take with you when you go... and I do mean this when I say you only get ONE!"
Before Aqua appeared a screen and upon this screen were many options. She then begins to scroll down, looking at each one until...
"This one... I want to pick this one."
I snap my fingers again, making her option appear before me. I read what was being said, making me feel nervous. What she had chosen was the Charisma Choker which gives its wear a massive boost to their charm stat.
In other words, this item can make you get anyone to do practically anything you ask them to do, no matter how stupid it may sound.
"You know, I don't think this is a good fit for..."
"But I want it, I want it, I want it, I WANT ITTTTT!"
"Alright, alright, if this is what you want then you can have it."
The Charisma Choker appears in my hands and as I go to stand, I decide to play it safe and make a few adjustments to it so Aqua didn't abuse its power to much and cause unwanted chaos to anyone she meets and give Eris a headache.
Basically, I'm making sure it doesn't completely override a person's common sense and I make it that it becomes less effective on a person if its powers are uses on said person multiple times over a short period of time.
I then walk over to Aqua and hand it to her. As she admires it then puts it on, I recall one other thing I need to tell her.
"One final thing before I send you on your way. This world you're going too is being attacked by a being who calls himself the Devil King. If you manage to defeat him, you will be rewarded with any one wish of your heart's desire. Any wish, without restriction."
"Seriously? So, if I asked to become a real goddess than I'll become one... not that I'm not already a true bonafide goddess... just wandering."
"Yes, you can actually become a real goddess (though the idea of you becoming divine scares me). Well, ready to get going then?"
"Sure, I'm ready... ready to get out of this weird place and back into the real world."
I clap my hands together, making a pillar of light appear around Aqua, catching her by surprise. She's even more taken aback as she begins to lift up into the air, floating higher and higher towards the light that was shining down from above.
"Ah... what is this? What's going on here."
"Like I said before, you are dead, I'm a god, sending you to continue living your life on another world, so on and so forth..."
"No, please wait... this is all becoming scary now. I won't be taken away by you, alien. I won't be subjected to any of your perverted anal probing's."
Wait, what did you just say? You actually think I'm a...
Without warning, I feel her grabbing onto me and forcefully pulling me into the pillar of light as well. I try to free myself, but this thoughtless girl was surprisingly strong, far more so than I could have ever imagined.
And before I knew it, I had been sucked into the portal along with this spoiled idol brat named Aqua.
The next thing I knew, I was standing under the shade of a tree, next to Aqua who was already looking around at the medieval setting.
"No way did that just happen. I can't have also been... do you have any ideas what you have done, girl. To force a god down onto the mortal realm, and after they gifted you with power, that is a serious sin..."
The next thing I knew, Aqua had grabbed my shoulders as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Clearly, her simple mind could not accept anything that had happened and was happening to her.
So, this was going to be how my day goes, huh?
A few minutes later, the two of us were walking down the street towards the local guild this town had. Aqua had calmed down and was wanting to find someplace where she could get some food and, more importantly in her mind, some booze.
As for me, I had been trying to return to the heavens but was finding the act rather difficult at the moment, hence I had opted to walk with her for now to show her around until I could make it back. And it was when we were at the guild and Aqua was busy putting her divine relic to use in getting others to give her money, that I was finally contacted by my angel assistant.
("Boss, master Kazuma. Are you there?")
"Hm, Tsunami? Thank God, someone finally contacted me. I was beginning to think my... unexpected kidnapping had damaged my powers... actually, my powers have been wonky since getting here. Anyways, hurry up and help me return home."
("Sorry, boss. No can do. Orders from the higher ups.")
"What do you mean?"
("Well, it seems they want you to stick around down in the mortal realm for the time being. See if you can help that Aqua girl become smarter and more... more like a normal person rather than the primodona she acts like. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on things up here till you return home.")
"What, are you serious? You have any idea how impossibly difficult that's going to be to do? You and I both know I have a better chance at getting Eris to actually go out on a date with me than I do with helping Aqua become smarter and less self-absorbed."
("I know, boss. I tried to explain that to the higher-ups but... you know how they are. The decision stands. Until Aqua has become a better person, or she dies a permanent death, you have to stick around and do this job you've been given.")
No... they-they can't be serious. Surely, they know and understand that...
("So... um, yeah... good luck, boss. I'll make sure to root for your quick success.")
With that, I feel Tsunami end the connected and I just sit there for a moment before looking over at Aqua, seeing her fooling around with some weird party trick she could do. I then lower my head onto the ground and cover it with my arms as tears begin to fall.
"Damn it, I'm supposed to be a god of sloth and fortune. How the hell is this all happening to me...?"
{|} and thus, the great suffering of Kazuma, God of sloth and fortune, began... {|}
AN: And with this, chapter 11 ends. Poor Kazuma, being given an impossible task to see Aqua become a better, and smarter, person. One things for sure, he isn't getting back to Heaven anytime soon. But what about the others? How would they be different in this version of the Konosuba world.
Well, first we have Darkness and Chris/Eris. In this cannon, Darkness has the thief class as, despite being a noble, is also a kleptomaniac who loves stealing things though she usually returns the things she steals unless they were taken from "bad" people.
As for Chris/Eris; she's still the goddess of this world who often becomes Chris the crusader in order to take the fight to the baddies as she really wants to save her world but can't act as Eris due to the laws of Heaven not allowing it. Basically, she's making use of a loophole to save the world.
Megumin and Yunyun have also switched roles. Yunyun is the overconfident and strong willed one who only uses one spell and is out to make a name for herself so as to show that she's the perfect choice to become the next chief of the village.
Megumin, meanwhile, is the introvert who has difficulty speaking out and can only use Basic Magic as she doesn't have the confidence to learn and use the others. She left the village, or rather was made to leave, in order to help her build up her confidence and strength of will.
Mitsurugi has an obsession with Aqua, being his ideal waifu and he wants to beat the Devil King in order to wish to have Aqua become his wife. Once he learns Aqua has come to the fantasy world too, he makes it his mission to win her attention and win her over to become his lover.
Anyways, next chapter will see what might have happened if Kazuma had wished to become a god after defeating the Devil King.