As Severus shut the door to his bedroom chambers, he finally unclenched his jaw after a conversation filled with tension. As trivial as it should have been, keeping his composure in that conversation with Lily had proven as trying as maintaining the facade of a loyal Death Eater in the presence of Lord Voldemort during the final years of his life.
"Dammit, Snape. What were you expecting to hear her say?" the boy snarled before promptly sitting on the leather seat on the opposite side of the room from his bed. Away from the Mirror of Erised. He didn't want to see the phantom image of the older Lily right now, not after the talk he'd just experienced with the real deal.
"You always knew she'd respond to you that way. Why should it even matter?" he asked himself. "You didn't come back to life, to this past, to experience some unfulfilled, silly teenage fantasies!"
It was the harsh truth he had known for decades, but a disappointment that he so richly deserved. Every time he fantasized and played mental exercises of what might have been if he'd been more forward with Lily, his cold logic told him that he never had a chance. Even if he'd boasted and flaunted his talents as boldly as James Potter did, the stark contrast in their status alone was enough to make all the difference. It was obvious to any adult with a keen mind.
So why did it hurt to hear, even though he knew how Lily would react? Why had he been foolish enough to confess the truth to her rather than just lie as he had done hundreds of times before? How could he have expected any kind of result besides the gentle disappointment that an attractive and popular girl like her would give him?
"It doesn't matter. You tried to become someone worthy of her in the past and had the bright idea to become a Death Eater. You had your chance and blew it in spectacular and idiotic fashion. You aren't here for something so silly as this!" He spat, raking his hands through his greasy, black hair in disgust.
"You're as unkempt and poverty-stricken as ever at this point in time. You wanted to better yourself on her behalf, and look what bloody hell happened! You groveled before ignorant fools like Lucius Malfoy and Evan Rosier, just begging for their scraps, hoping that you might find a seat at their luxurious table." Snape grimaced, tossing his oversized, tattered school robe off of his back and glaring down at it in revulsion.
Never before had Severus looked down upon the green and silver snake insignia of his lifelong Slytherin House with such disdain. If he had been born at any other point in time, any era besides this wretched legacy created by Voldemort, it would have been a house to be proud of. It wasn't as though all students in Slytherin were destined for a dark future. The legendary wizard Merlin was proof of that.
But right now, all roads would lead to Voldemort's loyal Death Eaters to craft the monstrous Muggle-Born Registration Commission, headed by that repugnant hag, Dolores Umbridge. The teenage self he returned to had stupidly considered any avenue on this path to be one where he could impress Lily when all he was doing was following the very people that wanted her in chains or simply just dead. The Knights of Walpurgis were nothing more than honeyed words covering an evil purpose. Saving traumatized children like himself from the yoke of Muggle oppression, from men like Tobias Snape…it was never going to happen.
"Idiot! Dunderhead!" he growled, violently stomping upon the serpent emblem before kicking it aside. His aim was rather poor, however, and the discarded robe slid right in front of the Mirror of Erised.
"Damn you, Dumbledore!" Severus seethed, doing his best to avoid the phantom gaze of the adult Lily's reflection. "The least you could have done before you left Hogwarts was take this blasted mirror out of my room to give me some peace! There's no knowledge nor truth to be gained from it!"
"That's not true, Severus." He imagined the inevitable response that the Headmaster might give him in that infuriatingly calm voice. "After all, it's shown you your heart's deepest desire, has it not? It's reawakened what you want out of life for yourself."
"What I want. Doesn't! Matter!" He shouted, burying his face into his pillow to shelter himself from those disarming, beautiful eyes of his fictional wife and child.
"They aren't real. They've never been real. Even if you wanted them to be, the real Lily has made her choice. Live with it." he choked out, desperately trying to convince himself. "No good has ever come of thinking about yourself and what you want, Snape. Focus only on what's important. Keeping her alive. Nothing more and nothing less."
The emotional exhaustion had taken a greater toll than Severus expected, and within a matter of minutes, the dim light of the fireplace in his personal chambers led him to the peace of sleep. At the very least, that had always proven to be a sanctuary for him, away from such ridiculous fantasies…
Having just tucked his rambunctious child into a small bed, Severus' heart swelled when Viridi smiled sweetly up at him with a sleepy little grin.
"Daddy, can you please tell me the story about King Arthur?" she politely asked. Of course she had. He and Lily had both made sure to impress upon their little girl the importance of being kind and well-mannered.
Severus turned to Lily, always at his side as she giggled, pressing her soft hand onto his shoulder.
"Don't look at me, Sev. I can't do the voices like you can. Our little girl demands perfection, much like her daddy does."
"At the very least help me with the bits which include Guinevere or Morgan le Fay." he pleaded with his wife.
"Mmm…maybe. If you're entertaining enough for the both of us, then I can help out. I'm just not as convincing an actor as you are."
"The perks of a lifetime spent spying on a real-life villain, I suppose. Why did we ever start telling her this tale in the first place? Isn't it a bit mature for a child of four?"
"You're the one who insisted that we skip the happy children's stories!" Lily scoffed playfully. "Take whatever liberties you wish if you want to lessen the violence and tragedy. Maybe skip the Battle of Camlann if she's still awake by then."
"She'll know the difference. She's already memorized the whole story by now." he groaned, rolling his eyes at Lily's ill-fated suggestion.
"What can I say? She takes after her father. It's still better than telling her anything about what happened with Voldemort until she's older. Now go on. Viridi is waiting. And just so you're aware…" Lily paused before leaning close to his ear.
"I'm waiting too, my Prince…" She whispered seductively before kissing him.
Severus' lips curled into a smirk once they broke contact with Lily's, understanding her meaning immediately. They had been starting to try for another baby, after all. He winked at his wife before turning back to the little girl.
"Alright, sweetheart." he nodded before clearing his throat to begin speaking with his deeper-toned storyteller voice, watching as Viridi's green eyes widened with childish wonder and anticipation. It never got old to feel the love of his child, and he'd tell her the story a thousand more times if she wished.
"It all began with a blade named Caliburn, which had been asleep within stone for years and years. Much like our wands…the sword was waiting to choose its owner. And etched into the blade was this: Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil, is rightwise King born of all England…"
Severus' black eyes opened groggily to the song of the birds near his chamber window which signaled the imminent sunrise. Even if there were no blasted O.W.L.s to take today, it was still prudent to get up and not waste the day. Before he could settle into his usual morning routine, however, his body froze as the fleeting memories of the dream shot to the forefront of his mind.
As he rubbed his eyelids, Severus shook his head in disbelief. "Now it seems the contents of that wretched mirror have latched themselves into the sanctity of my own dreams." he sighed in frustration, neither willing nor able to summon the fury he'd displayed the night before.
With an unsure, wavering gaze, Severus looked into the mirror and saw Lily there once again, but this time, slightly older than before. By now she was likely 23 and in her absolute prime in radiant beauty. And standing next to her, the grinning little girl from his dream. Viridi had grown up slightly, no doubt the mirror's response to his dream.
He took a moment to examine the child, who beamed up at him with an adorable smile and a wave of her tiny hand. Her features were much more defined than the fragile, sleepy infant from before. Her eyes, so big and expressive, gleamed like emeralds, identical to Lily's. Her hair, black like his, but shinier, more cared for and with more body to it, also resembling Lily's hairstyle.
Clearly, Viridi was a happy child, full of life and love which Severus had not experienced in his own childhood. From his dream of a future that was never to be, he knew that she was adored by both of her parents. If the dream was to be believed, he somehow had more potential as a father than Tobias Snape, an idea that was totally foreign to him amidst his ocean of self-loathing.
Even if it was a dream, nothing more than an empty fantasy…The box had been opened, and there was no shutting it anymore. Clearly it wasn't going anywhere, even if he was separated from the mirror; the fantasy had taken on a life of its own within his own mind now.
"Alright, you two." Severus mumbled in defeat, bending at the knees so he could be eye-level with the phantom reflection of Viridi. "Lily has made her choice, and I have neither the ability, nor the right to change her mind. My goal is and always has been just her survival, and nothing more. That being said… I cannot deny that I want that dream to become real someday."
It was the truth. For nearly two decades, Severus Snape had lived a life without hope. He'd been a broken man with no future, and as far as he was concerned, nothing worth living for. The day Voldemort finally ended his life at the Shrieking Shack had almost been a blessing, were it not for his anxiety at his ultimate failure of sending Lily's son to an early grave.
Despite his reservations of whether or not he deserved such a life as the one he had dreamt…he still wanted it all the same.
"I'll try, Viridi. I'll try to be that person. The person I have to be to make that life happen. I can't guarantee or force it, like I said. No potion or mind-altering spell could ever have your mother look at me that way. It has to be real." he explained before lifting his gaze up to Lily.
"You will live, this time. I swear it. The alternative would destroy me if it happened again. As far as this fantasy goes, well, I cannot make the same promise. But I'll do what I can."
At long last, Severus broke free of the magnetic eye contact with the two dream-like figures in the mirror and looked down at the discarded robe. Specifically, he looked at the faded emblem of Slytherin House that was dirtied by the shoeprint he sullied it with the previous night.
"The house of the Dark Lord…" he hissed, echoing the vitriol of his previous rant. But something else glimmered within his black eyes as they locked onto the snake insignia. For as long as Severus had memorized that symbol, the serpent always looked as if it were coiled, ready to strike and lash out at a moments' notice. Much the same as how he himself had acted as an impetuous teenager.
This time, however, the way the snake rested, raising only its head, it almost seemed as if the creature were daring, challenging whomever looked upon it. A challenge to do what so many great Slytherins had done, and make the impossible become reality. And if that were the case, then the challenge was accepted.
As he donned the black robe, Severus prepared to exit the chamber that had been granted to him by Dumbledore for the remainder of the year.
"I can't change anything by hiding here, away from Voldemort's pawns." he thought as he began to pack his belongings into his shabby-looking school bag which had been enchanted with an extension charm. One of the many examples of his unkempt and poor lifestyle.
Some, like Rosier, were already too far gone to make any difference as to whether or not they would side with Voldemort and become Death Eaters. Others, however, were still young, and likely much more impressionable. The greatest weapon that Voldemort had at his disposal was the proud house of Salazar Slytherin, which seduced all manner of students into his way of thinking, including himself once upon a time.
"Not this time. That snake means more than the poison he filled it with. I'll build Slytherin House back up with my own hands, brick by brick if that's what it takes." he declared, hanging the bag over his shoulder and preparing to leave the bedchamber before looking back at the Mirror of Erised.
No doubt the mirror would soon be moved into yet another forgotten place somewhere within the labyrinthine structure of Hogwarts as it had so many times before. It would likely be the last time he would see the joyous smiles of Lily and Viridi staring back at him.
"That's alright," he thought, taking in their faces one last time. "I've gotten everything I can from that mirror. Anymore would be overindulgence to the point of addiction."
With a thin smile, Severus silently bid them farewell and took his first step back towards reality. After all, it wasn't really a goodbye if he had already started to dream of them.
Author's Note: One of book-Severus' most defining features that the movies left out, to me, is the depths of his rage. We see it on display quite a lot, particularly in Books 3, 5, and 6, and it's only logical that the person he's most angry at would be himself. He's the source of his own misery and pain, but given that the books are told from Harry's PoV, it's difficult to say how often he might have directed all of that hate and pain inward, rather than outward like he chose to do a lot. Such a breakdown happens in this chapter, as a direct result of hearing what he already knows from Lily's lips.
On a similar note, I've noticed even more reviews and received Private Messages from people who have a notable dislike for the way I've written Lily, and I'll reiterate what I said years ago. This is not a story that tries to deviate from Rowling's characterization. I try to be fair with how I write everyone despite any personal preferences I have. This series will not white-knight Severus and vilify the Marauders, nor will it try to do vice-versa. I work with what we know and try to fill in the blanks as I see them. If you don't see the uphill battle that Severus faces from the person he's been for the last 20+ years, then I fear you're not going to enjoy this story. Just the same, if you see Snape as an irredeemable abuser who deserved the heartbreak he went through, I doubt I'll be successful in asking you to find some empathy for him. There is no black or white when it comes to major characters in this story...well, save perhaps maybe Bellatrix and Voldemort, the first who is utterly insane, and the second who is the most one-note villain this side of Saturday morning cartoons.
I wasn't planning on keeping Severus confined to this room, away from the rest of Slytherin House forever. Removing people like Mulciber was only the first step for Sev to derail the Death Eaters. His next task is much more daunting.
Anyway. What did you all think of the dream? A silly little domestic fantasy, or perhaps a prophetic look into a potential happier life for Severus once all of this is behind him?
As always, PLEASE continue to review and send in your thoughts. Again, all that I ask is that you keep things respectful, detailed, and try to understand even the characters that you yourself may not like.