WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR FAVORITE SERIES, WITH LIMITED INTERRUPTION
Last time on the story that you are reading!
"I will be your guide," said the ghost girl Angelica Goodthought, "a navigation guide of sorts!"
"I am still here," said Snape.
"Then I guess we're off!" Jack Horner said before reaching down off screen and pulling up:
Chapter seven: The Woman With No Cock
"Yeah, even I don't even understand that chapter header." Said Jack but I was WAY ahead of him.
"Oh yeah, that line is meant for me!" Said Snape, with a glimmer of hope dangled in front of him like a carrot. "Y'see, I was kind of hoping going along with you would boost my chances with the ladies…well, you know what I mean."
"No, I don't. I get pussy on the daily, unlike you, Snoke." Jack couldn't be bothered to learn anyone's name other than his own. There's even a rumor he forgot what the D. in his own name means! "So, author, er…authors! Where do we, I mean, I, start?"
"Well," Angelica popped up in front of Jack, looking both snooty and on duty. "As I was trying to say last time, we have to find the four magical artifacts of Hogwart's founding! I say we start with Godrick Gryffindor's sword."
"And where can I steal, I mean, find that?" Jack asked, already cramming a painting into his magic bag.
"Um, about that," Angelica scratched the back of her head, "I never actually found out. I know there's supposedly a sword master in a town north of Hogsmede. A hamlet called Kettlecorn. Though I hear he was rather, well, autistic."
Jack didn't feel like walking, he normally had people do that for him! "So, umm..what we do for transportation around here? Some kinda souped up, magic motor cycle?"
"Actually" Snoke actuallied. "I have my mostly used, second hand magical broom! Though, don't ask why it looks like this…"
Jack Horner thought this was dumb and it was. "New plan! Hop to it. Make with the haste already. I have world domination to take care of!"
And so, Snape now aptly named Snoke, would have to carry his own weight…as well as Jack's who is using him as a glorified mule of sorts. Because really? Broom riding? How lame and stupid is that? Oh, the ghost can fly, so she's okay.
But it was no problem for Snape as he had a potion for just such an occasion, "I have a potion for just such an occasion," Snape said, desperate to be validated as he pulled out on wonder mule enhancer potion.
"You mean I have a potion for just such an occasion," Jack said before swiping the potion from Snape and into his own hands, "I've been meaning to wash that kid's lunch I stole a minute ago." That kid was Wellsley Candy who will return ONCE later in this series.
"Ooohhh," Snape groaned as the large Jack Horner made himself comfortable on his shoulders.
As our heroes made their way across the countryside surrounding Hogwarts, and as Jack Horner complained that the Saturday Night Live Mythos had gone down hill since 'THOSE people came to power' (he didn't specify but it was elves), they reached their first obstacle!
"Hold travelers," said a gnome with a beard that put even the man with the longest beard in beard world to shame! "Before you can cross this shallow creek, ye must choose WHICH of the two WITCH bridges you would wish to cross!"
"As team leader I shall decide," Jack said, crossing his legs, which were rather slender compared to his brick wall body, gently around Snape's throat, prohibiting him from breathing for the remainder of the scene.
"But beware," cried the gnome, "ye who crosses one bridge, may NEVER, like, EVER, cross the other," he winked.
"Thanks for the tip, shorty! And I'll be sure to ignore that piece of advice later!" Then Jack said this. "Now here's YOUR tip, free of charge because what a good boy am I!"
He then took out from his bag…nothing! Turns out, Kagome was hiding them from him because it would be WAY too convenient to magic himself out of this situation!...but maybe later when we feel like it.
"Drat! Drat I say, the detestable authors is trying to stifle my creative integrity!" Which was true, but don't tell him that. "What am I supposed to do here, learn a lesson of some sorts?"
Angelica Goodthought had good feeling about this, which was shattered immediately as Jack said. "Wait…I got it! By jove, I've got it! You can fly, can'tcha girly?"
She should have kept her ghost mouth shut. I however, thought otherwise. "Umm, yeah, but how exactly does that pertain to our current sit-"
Then Jack threw Snape over one bridge and coerced Goodthought into taking the other path. "Ah, another clever solution by yours truly." Jack bowed like gentleman. "I've learned an important lesson. Why do what I can make others do for me?"
The gnome was smug then. So smug that if a toad's warts were replaced with wrinkles, that's how smug he MIGHT be. "I take it ye were trying to be clever. However, what you did was not against my rules! In fact, it was most allowed! I-up, one second," the gnome checked his phone after it buzzed. "Hm. We're gonna have some bad fog tonight. Sick. Anyways, my rules were not broken! Your move, big man!"
"I uh, don't understand," said Jack, not understanding. "Wasn't this some kind of riddle?"
"What? No!" The gnome cried. "I already explained it. If person A crosses bridge X then person A can't cross bridge Y. Get it?"
"...Yeah, umm, that was really stupid. I wish you hadn't said that." Then Jack walked away from his scene and carried on. HOWEVER! The scene was not over for our newly introduced gnome character.
"Quirky!" Hollered a fat gnome from over the hill.
"Eep," cried our gnome with the great big beard.
"What are you doing down there," yelled the fat gnome with his arms on his hips like he was not ready to hear any excuses. "Your break ended three minutes ago! Are you hassling travelers over the two bridges again?"
"N-no," said Quirky, jogging back up the hill.
"Yes, you were! You want your parole officer to hear about this, Quirky? Do you know what will happen if I don't say you're doing your job!? You'll be back to the popcorn mines and this time with no gloves! You want that Quirky? Is that what you want?"
"No, sir!"
"Then quick making it so appealing," the fat gnome gave a gentle kick to Quirky's bum and he rushed down the other side of the hill where the other gnomes were. There he found his gnome supervisor, credited as Gnome Supervisor.
"Alright, everyone," Gnome Supervisor said, "we got four hours till shift change. Hurry up and plant those dandelions one and half inches from their natural spots. Remember, we've been paid a handsome fee to gaslight the owners of that manor across the creek. By making all the flowers in this field appear to have moved over an inch and a half and by inexplicably building a second, identical bridge over the stream, they should sufficiently question their reality and boom. We're back in the therapy business, boys!"
"Yippy!" The gnomes cheered in unison. This is why I don't like gnomes.
What was that supposed to mean? They're only slightly worse than Jack Horner. I mean really, Gnome therapy? I leave you alone for 10 minutes, and you throw this monkey wrench into the equation? What are we supposed to take away from this?
Trust me, I have a plan.
Tangent over, back to shenanigans…
MEANWHILE (I use this as my crutch whenever I'm out of ideas)
Riptoad and Fredrick were frolicking through the flowers. Or at least, that's what we wish we could say was happening. They were already behind Jack and the gang, they were being tracked by that nifty map I mentioned last time. I bet you thought I forgot about it after chapter 1 and I did.
Ripto was baffled, "I am baffled" said Ripto who was baffled. "When did the red Lillies move slightly to the left in these parts?"
Fumbles corrected him, "what do you mean, what do you mean? There have always been flowers here, you unobservant peon!"
"I know that, SHITSTAIN. But I know what I saw, these flowers were DEFINITELY shifted an inch and a half further from where they naturally are! And I'm certain I remember there only being one bridge! Gah, I need therapy…"
But the author was bored of Ripto and his mental health issues-
"No, wait, I haven't even told a joke yet," Ripto cried. Like a bitch might I add.
"No, not like a bitch! You can't write that you Jack Russel wannabe motherfu-"
MEANWHILE
"Ah, finally," Jack Horner said, like cool man, "I can feel the attention back on me. Too bad I can't think of a joke to tell. Snape, here's your chance."
Snape blushed, "Um-Um-Um, I uh, Um-Um-Uhhhh…"
"Well that was cringe," Jack Horner said accurately. "Oh look, another author is joining in for the next obstacle of our lovely, high fantasy adventure. I wonder what they'll write!"
Meanwhile, in another dimension. The utmost sinister smell leaked from the rundown apartment. Passers would hold their nose or walk a bit faster to avoid the smell as quickly as possible. This was next door to the only Arby's, so you can imagine there'd be a lot of traffic going to and from. Inside the apartment, the source of the smell was revealed to be spoiled milk that sat on the counter for many years. A man with clothing far too big for him, he was malnourished and rather tired looking.
He looked at the camera and winked. He grabbed the milk and tossed it onto the floor.
No one knew what this meant, but the rest of the chapter now reeks of rotten milk. Sorry about that. I'll try to get that fixed.
…
. . .
. . .
Did it work? Drat. It didn't. What? I'm just writing fluff to extend the word count of this story? That's quite the statement to make towards us. Actually, the man is important. But not yet. He isn't ready, I just need to establish that scene for another scene to come up later.
…
What?
The writers know who it is.
…
Only me?
…Okay fine. He had a top hat! He tipped it when he winked. Is that enough foreshadowing for you?
…
Whatever. Am I gonna forget it? Forget what? No! I won't!
Ahem…ANYWAY, the other OTHER author showed up after snacking on some dry french fries, which in no way will affect how I write this next portion.
"Huh, well those were certainly…words, barely." Said Snape. I wanted to give him the chance to speak now to save on resources later. "So, what did our brilliant crackpot team of writers conjure for us, Jack?"
Jack was already in the small, small town of…tiny town. Needless to say it was, for a lack of a better term, small. Microscopic, in fact! Jack nearly stepped on it, that is to say that he did, but it was no BIG loss! So he went to the NEXT town, large land! It was pretty big, and much like it's predecessor would suggest, it was HUGE! Like, picture a land of giants, not the kind you hear about in fairytales. Just picture a bunch of people with the frame of Big Jack Horner, yeah, THAT big. They took a few seconds out of their busy adventure to check it out and needless to say, it still turned out to be a BIG waste of time! So they promptly left without incident, truthfully, I'm not sure why I even mentioned it.
Then they went to Mafia World, where the Ministry of Magic resided. Turns out, it had just been on the outskirts of Hogsmeade all this time! Anyway, so they figured this little detour would surely benefit them since Mafia World had a booming tourist attraction, The Shifting Sands of Agrabah! …What? You've never heard of this enchanted item I made up? Better have Angelica shed some light on the situation!
"Yeah, and make it snappy, Missy. I ain't getting any younger, lady." Jack said with sass as he polished off his dirtied boots from the aforementioned Tiny Town.
"But that's just it," she began to divulge. "The Shifting Sands of Agrabah are capable of reversing time, one grain at a time! In theory, you could de-age anything that comes into contact with it."
"Oh! Imagine it, me, Severus Snape. Back to a time when I was happy…I could have saved myself years of misery and failed relationships." Snape daydreamed. Lay off, guy needs to take whatever little joy he can get these days.
What we should have told Snape is that we are being FAR too generous insinuating that he could actually use it for himself. Not while Jack is the main character, that's for sure! I sure hope he hasn't forgotten that we've demonstrated that Jack is capable of reading our narration.
"Yeah…no." Jack said confirming my suspicion. "But if you're lucky, I might be willing to let you part with your life! Now, make haste, my minions! Time's a wasting and I want to get it back."
…Much like the reader likely wishes they could get back from this series! But it's gonna take some time to flesh out this scenario, more than we're going to allow for this chapter so find out next time how our heroes fare against The Ministry of Magic!
To be continued