Hello everyone – sorry for the long gap, but real life got in the way and, among the consequences, it brought also writer's block. It's all but resolved, but I'm working on it.
I had these chapter sitting in my hard-disk for a while and I decided it's time to update. I hope you'll like them.
CHAPTER 5 – NUMB
One sweeping motion with my arm and all the stuff piled on my desk – scrolls, ink, brushes – crashes to the ground, stained and broken.
But it does not satisfy me.
I grab the nearest book and throw it against the wall, delighting in the dull thud it produces.
But it's not enough still.
I push books off their shelves, rip scrolls off the walls, tear clothes to shreds and savagely stomp the cursed kenseikans under my feet.
Vague noises reach my ears – thumps, crashes, ripping – but I don't stop. It's not enough. I have never heard better sounds or sweeter music. I wish it could get louder – I wish it could be heard all over the Gotei 13.
I don't stop. I can't stop. It's not enough.
As long as my fingers keep on gripping and scratching and shattering and slitting and destroying.
As long as I'll let this all out.
As long as I won't feel it….
It's not enough. Right now I could destroy the whole house, no, the whole Gotei 13.
Glass smashes, wood breaks as I let out my fury on my old toys, hurling them around the room, kicking them and treading on them.
At least this act makes me feel some sort of morbid joy – he paid for them.
I won't say he brought them – Toma-san or some other servant did it. I won't call them his gift – he didn't even see them.
I'm sick of this – all this.
I won't stop until it's all gone. Until he is out – out of my room, out of my head, out of my life.
I stumble on something – whatever it was, I broke it and twisted it so much that it's unrecognizable – and fall on the stained carpet.
Suddenly, it's as if all my strength was drained. I just lay here, panting and watching my room.
What a mess I made… I hope Shinju won't be scolded for this.
I won't let her tidy up on her own – it wouldn't be fair.
My rage slowly retreats – like the tide. But my anger is not totally gone – it won't be gone so easily. It aches dully in my chest and this pain is the only thing I feel.
I just lie here – feeling the void of my soul hang down on me.
There must be a word to express this painful emptiness, this blank distress…
I've never felt like this before – so…
Tired.
Numb.
I wish he could see this, see what I've done. I wonder what he'd think – what he'd say. I don't think he'd understand.
He'd be disappointed – what right does he have to be?
As if he never let someone down. As if he didn't let me down…
I gave him a chance, I did.
I thought he had changed – I thought this whole mess could at least change him.
Obviously it didn't.
He has no right to be disappointed in me.
I'm tired of being controlled, tired of trying to meet up his expectations, tired of trying to win his acknowledgment. I just can't force myself to follow his rules and gain nothing in return – not anymore.
Why can't he just – let go?
Why doesn't he listen?
Why can't he see me?
Why can't I be me?
I've had enough of this! Now I get my life back! I won't follow his path anymore! I won't let him control me like this ever again!
I don't want to be him. I can't be him!
…I just want to be myself.
If he can accept it, good for him. If can't, then it's not my problem.
I don't care about him anymore. I just don't.
I just want to feel again – feel something true. Chase away this void, this cold. It has always been there, but the last events just broke down the walls behind which I kept it.
I'll drive it away. Somehow… I will. I must.
I don't care what he does, what he says. I don't care he won't approve of me. I don't.
I don't care I'll never have him acknowledge me… I don't need his acknowledgement…
These tears running down my face are not for him.
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
(Linkin Park – Numb)