A/N: Ugh, I rewrote this a couple of time. Don't know if I'm happy about it, but I guess let's just call it filler and move on. And guess what? After three years avoiding it, my girls and I got COVID. Our symptoms were very mild all things considered, and really, I only tested for giggles since my girls wanted to have a germophobic friend over. Sure enough, it was positive, so we got a week at home. Not the worst thing, I guess, but not a great way to make a living.

Trust

Chapter 28: Dancing

Harm stood poised to knock on Mac's door. He had already adjusted his tie, his cummerbund, and his jacket several times out there in the hall, and he'd shaved twice today as well. He always took care with his appearance when dressed in any uniform, but this time, he wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

He was finally going out with Mac.

No, it was not a date in the official sense, but he was still excited to be escorting her to this ball, and so relieved she agreed to come in the first place. It was not that she had much of a choice, but Harm was sure Admiral Chegwidden would have been lenient with her should she have requested a reprieve. Harm had been so nervous when he had knocked on her office doorframe, even blushing a bit as he'd asked her to accompany him. When she finally said yes, his smile could have lit up the entire building.

And now it was time.

Harm shifted the bouquet of wildflowers from his right hand to his left, then knocked on her door. He rocked on the balls of his feet, telling himself to stop acting like a sixteen-year-old on his first date, to hold it together as he waited for her to answer. He had a flash of anxiety when a minute went by and he didn't hear any movement behind her door, but just as he was about to knock again, there she was.

She was beautiful. She was more than beautiful.

Harm stood before her, stunned into silence, not even hearing her when she invited him in. Her dress was a dark shimmering charcoal, and he knew as they danced under the lights in the ballroom, it would glow in varying shades of silver and grey. One shoulder was left bare, exposing her smooth, soft skin, the bodice clinging to her perfect figure. The skirt, ruched on one side, draped over her hips and fell nearly to the floor, with a slit that went to just above her knee. Overall, the design was fairly simple, yet on Mac it was stunning.

"Oh my, Mac," Harm breathed in appreciation while Mac blushed. "You look…you're so…" He had no words.

"Why don't you—" She tried to motion him inside her apartment, but he was still too busy trying to find a word that adequately described his marine. He was oblivious to the fact that Mac was growing uncomfortable, squirming in her own doorway.

"Harm, please, come in—"

"You're beautiful, Mac." He finally went with the simple and direct description.

"Thank you, Harm. Now, get in here."

"Oh!"

Slightly embarrassed, Harm followed Mac inside.

"Sorry about that, Mac."

"That's okay. Are, um, those for me?" She motioned to the flowers still in his hand.

"Oh, oh, yes." Get it together, Harm!

Harm handed Mac the flowers, happy when she seemed to truly appreciate them. Once she had them in a vase, Harm helped her with her coat, and they were on their way.

"Good evening, Colonel. You look lovely tonight."

"Thank you, sir." Mac smiled at Admiral Chegwidden, who looked dashing himself in his mess dress. Her smile, however, faded when the expression on the admiral's face turned serious. He leaned toward her, speaking in soft voice.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know he'd be here tonight."

"Who—oh. Webb." Mac suddenly felt ill.

"I'm sorry," Chegwidden said again, and Mac took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders.

"It's okay, sir. Given the circles we travel in, I'm bound to run into him from time to time. It will be fine."

"We don't have to stay, Mac," Harm offered as he pulled her closer to his side. Her hand was tucked into his elbow, and she felt Harm's arm stiffen. He was obviously upset and half of her resented that he was so angry on her behalf. The other half was glad he was here to hold her up. She wondered if there would ever be a day where the mention or sight of Webb wouldn't make her feel shaky and sick, when fury would override the sense of panic settling on her. Today certainly wasn't that day, and she looked up into Harm's deep blue eyes to tell him that yes, she would like to leave.

"I—I…" She met Admiral Chegwidden's eyes, then Sturgis' who had arrived a moment ago with his date. They looked undeniably protective, though she was aware Sturgis did not know the whole story behind her and Webb, and Harm…what could she say about Harm?

She knew beyond a doubt that he would defend her, that he was prepared to get his knuckles bloody for her. He could probably cheerfully kill Webb if the little man tried to insinuate himself into her life again.

And then you would destroy another man…or finish what you started in Paraguay.

No. Don't think like that. You don't destroy men. And Harm wants to be here with you.

"Mac, it's okay. We can—"

"Stay. We're going to stay. He doesn't get to ruin our night," she said firmly, trying to demonstrate a bravery she didn't feel.

"Are you sure, Mac?"

Mac smiled. "Yes, I'm sure, Harm. Now, would you get me a tonic with a twist?" She slid her hand from the crook of his elbow and pushed him forward. He was clearly reluctant to leave her, but she shooed him on, then turned back to her concerned colleagues.

"Really, I'm fine, everyone. But," she said, addressing Admiral Chegwidden and Sturgis. "Please make sure Harm behaves himself."

"Will do, Mac," answered Sturgis, and the admiral nodded in agreement.

"I'll watch him carefully, Mac. We all know how he can be when he lo—uh, cares about someone."

Mac stared at her CO, eyes wide. She'd caught his slip, and it was so unlike the admiral to comment on such a thing. Meanwhile, Chegwidden merely stared back at her, a knowing look in his eyes.

Eventually it was time to sit down for dinner, and after Harm escorted her to their table, he assisted her with her chair then sat himself. The admiral sat down on her left after assisting his own date into her chair. They had all been surprised to learn he had come with his ex-wife, Marcella, and by the look of it, they wouldn't be exes much longer. That made Mac happy; her CO had definitely not been lucky in love these past several years.

And neither have you, Mac.

No, she definitely hadn't been lucky in love, but a glance toward the man next to her told her he wanted to change that for her.

If only she were ready for it. Mac mentally sighed. She likely would never be ready for a true relationship with Harm, nor a relationship with anyone else for that matter. Harm told her twice before that any man who'd ever been involved with her was either dead or wished he was, but weeks and therapy had given her a bit more perspective. It still hurt terribly that Harm had ever said that to her, but she had come to realize that she wasn't some black widow, and she hadn't come out unscathed in any of her previous relationships either.

Chris had been wrong for her from the start, but it was his decision to blackmail her that had led to his death. Dalton had used her and stalked her, but he didn't deserve to die the way he had. She could finally believe that wasn't her fault; it was solely the fault of that crazy SOB Coster. Mac knew she had used Mic to get over Harm and should never have accepted his ring, but he'd also been pushy and controlling. He'd told her over and over that he loved her, that he wanted to spend his life with her, but in the end, he hadn't even fought for her. No, things should never have gone that far between them, but his leaving that way was another blow to a woman who'd never trusted easily. Webb had nearly destroyed her and she was still picking up the pieces. Between that and Harm's behavior prior to her miscarriage, any remaining ability for her to trust had been sucked away.

There was one man she still felt she'd destroyed, that his circumstances would be better now if he'd never met her, and that man was John Farrow. Their time together had been brief, but he'd made her feel worthy and loved. Nothing could ever come of their relationship, so they'd both tried to enjoy what they could before they ended it on good terms. It wasn't their time together that Mac regretted, however. It was well after when her ex-husband showed up and Harm wasn't available for her. She'd gone to the one other man she'd trusted and look what happened. His career was destroyed, and it was her fault.

John himself told her he would do it all again when she'd tried to apologize to him. He had no regrets, but of course, she'd had plenty. Thus far, no amount of therapy would allow her to forgive herself, despite the fact that John was now married to a wonderful woman. They even had a child together. While she could still muster up a feeling of trust for John, she had no trust in herself not to ruin him.

Then there was Harm. At first, their friendship had been simple and fun, then angsty as she realized she loved him sometime before he left to fly. Then came Mic and René, and then he'd said what he said about her previous relationships. He'd hurt her deeply then, but gradually they grew closer. They were all but dating…

And then came Singer. Her murder. Harm's arrest. Paraguay. Webb. Her miscarriage.

Harm had truly been wonderful since the night he'd shown up at her bedside. He was caring, gentle. Old Mac would have welcomed him back into her life. This Mac was terrified. This Mac remembered the Harm that existed before then, the snide, sometimes cruel, always cold Harm. When would he change back? When would he hurt her again?

Those were the thoughts that ran through Mac's head as she waited for the first course of their dinner, but when their eyes met and he grinned, she nearly forgot them. He looked especially handsome tonight, and he seemed so happy just being with her.

It was disconcerting, but when their hands brushed against each other's under the table, Mac decided she would just be happy tonight as well. She would just enjoy dinner and dancing with a handsome man, no commitments, no deeper meanings.

As much as he was enjoying Mac's company, Harm was also fuming. He should have known Webb would show his face here, given this evening's event was well known in military and political circles. Webb had come with a tall blonde, but Harm knew that wouldn't stop him from trying to get to Mac. "Bastard," he mumbled, then felt a small hand on his shoulder.

"Please, stop worrying about him. It's fine," Mac whispered.

"No, it isn't fine," he whispered back. "Leave it to that SOB to ruin tonight."

"It's not ruined. It's only ruined if we let him ruin it. I'm having a nice time, and I thought you were too."

Harm reached up and gripped the hand on his shoulder with his. "I am. I am having a nice time. The company has been lovely tonight, and in case I haven't said it before, you look absolutely beautiful."

His compliment caused her to blush, and she bit her lip, looking almost shy. "You have, Harm. More than once."

"Well, you are, Mac."

"Thank you."

Harm turned his full flyboy grin on her and stood up. "Now, I'd like to dance with the most beautiful woman in the room."

"Okay, well, come back when you're done."

Oh, god, did she not get it? "Mac, I meant you!"

Mac's light tinkling laughter was music to his ears. He hadn't heard it in years, and he felt such a rush of love for her as she held out her hand to him and stood up. "I would love to dance with you, kind sir." She was all smiles as he led her to the floor, and Harm felt a thousand feet tall.

Her hand in Harm's felt lovely. His other hand on her back felt wonderful. If they weren't at such a formal function, Mac knew her head would be resting on his shoulder.

What are you doing, Mac? She'd been laughing, almost flirting with him.

Don't encourage him.

Don't fall back into old habits.

Mac pulled away the slightest bit.

"Hey, Ninja Girl, you okay?" Harm lightened his hold on her.

"No, nothing's wrong. I'm just a little tired," she lied.

"Did you want to head out then?"

"No! No," she repeated less forcefully. "It's ah, a good, um, kinda tired."

Harm raised an eyebrow at her. "What's a 'good' kind of tired?"

"You know, Harm. The kind of tired you are after you've had an enjoyable night with a handsome man, a night you don't want to end."

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! she shouted to herself. By the look of it, Harm was overjoyed at her comment and would no doubt be asking for more. More than she could give. More than she could ever give.

"I don't want this night to end either, Mac. Even if Webb is lurking around here."

Harm's mention of Webb was actually welcome, as it gave her a reason to change the subject.

"Do you think it's odd that he hasn't come over to talk to us?"

"Hmmm. Yeah, I guess I do, Mac."

"Me too, Harm." That wasn't a lie. She'd been waiting for the spook to come over the entire evening. "Maybe we should go over to him first and get it over with?" No, we should not. What the hell are you saying, Mac?

"Bad idea, Mac."

"Why? I can handle it." Can you? Can you really?

"Well, I don't think I can handle it. It would be too easy to kill him." Something in Harm's tone told her he wasn't exaggerating, and it frightened her.

"Harm, no. Don't. Don't ruin your life over him."

"He hurt you, Mac."

"I know. I know that, but I'm going to be okay. I can't let him live in my head forever, and you shouldn't either. I appreciate you wanting to end him for me, but you just can't do that, okay, Harm? Okay?"

Harm heaved a sigh. "Okay. And yeah, I know I have to let it go, but it's hard."

"Trust me, I know," Mac said, and Harm nodded, but then his shoulders slumped.

"What is it, Harm?"

"I was just thinking. Maybe one of the reasons I'm having trouble letting it go about Webb is that I can't let it go about me."

"I don't understand."

"This is probably not the time to discuss it, but Mac, honey…I know I've hurt you. I've hurt you so much in the last couple of years, and I think if I hadn't been such an asshole, you wouldn't have been with Webb…or at least I would have seen that something was wrong. I'm so sorry, Mac."

"Oh…no…there's no reason…"

"Yes, there is, Mac. I was an unforgivable bastard, and I know there's nothing I can do to make it up to you." Harm's eyes were suspiciously wet, and Mac felt her own fill as well.

"Harm, no. Okay, yes, you hurt me, but I've hurt you too."

"No—" Mac cut him off with a finger to his lips.

"Yes, I have. I'm sorry too. And Harm?"

Harm turned his head away from her and she called his name again. When he made no move to face her again, she cupped his cheeks and forced him to look at her. "Listen to me. I forgive you. I forgive you. Okay? Okay, Harm?"

A tear slipped down his cheek and she brushed it aside with her thumb. "I forgive you, Harm," she repeated, and finally Harm nodded. He lifted his arm, and she felt his thumb brush under her eye. She realized then that she too was shedding a few tears.

"Thank you, Mac," he said shakily, and then he pulled her into his embrace. She felt him kiss her hair and she closed her eyes, relishing the feel of him against her.

Just tonight. I'll just let him hold me tonight, she told herself, knowing that although she truly had forgiven him, she couldn't give him her heart, the heart he so obviously wanted.

Mac held back her tears of grief over a relationship she'd always wanted but couldn't have, because it was a relationship she'd never trust.

Mac took a moment in the ladies' room to regain composure. She'd managed not to cry further, and Harm hadn't thought anything of her needing to use the bathroom, thank goodness. She splashed some cold water on her cheeks, then fixed her mascara and reapplied her lipstick. When she felt strong enough to face everyone again, she picked up her clutch and pulled open the door.

Someone was waiting for her.

"I was hoping I'd run into you tonight, Sarah." Webb's smile was demon-like, and the blurry-but-not-yet-glassy quality of his eyes told her he was merely half-drunk.

"Well, I can't say the same, Webb." Mac tried to move around him, but he shifted to block her path.

"Sarah, come on. My name is Clay."

"Don't you think you should get back to your date, Webb?"

"Who, Cecile? Her father is my mother's second cousin. She isn't a date. I'd much rather be here with you."

For once fury rather than sickness welled up in Mac, and she thought wryly to herself that she shouldn't have been so worried about Harm losing it. "Enough, Webb! Enough. Stop this. Stop calling me, stop trying to talk to me. It's over. Over, do you hear me? I don't want to ever see you again, and you need to tell your mother to stop calling me too. What do either of you want from me? We're over, there's no baby…why won't you let me be?"

"Because I still love you!"

Now wanted to throw up. The man before her had no concept of love. Maybe he once had, but that Clayton Webb had long been destroyed. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I do, Sarah. You know, I saw that display on the dance floor with Harm. Clearly, you haven't gotten over him. Why don't you ever learn? He's only going to hurt you again. You and I, we're the same. You can deny it all you want, but we're the same."

"We are not the same! Stop saying that!"

"Look, Sarah. Come back to me. Maybe when things settle down, we can talk about another baby. If you want—"

"My god, you're insane! I never wanted a baby with you! If my baby had lived, I would do everything in my power to keep him away from you. Of course, I didn't think that would have been issue, given how you felt about him. Now, get the hell out of my way before I knock you on your ass."

Mac started to move around him, glad he seemed to have regained his senses, but disappointed as well. It would have felt so good to smash her fist into his smug face. She was just telling herself jail time wouldn't do her any good when felt Webb's hands on her arms. He whipped her around, and the next thing she knew she was being thrown against the wall. Her body stuck a decorative table, while her head smashed against the mirror hanging above it.

Mac wouldn't have expected Webb to be able to use such force, and she cursed herself for not being prepared. She tried to push herself up, doing her best to ignore the dizziness, but found herself tangled up in broken wood and glass. Cheap crap, she thought vaguely to herself, finding it odd that a place this posh would have furniture so easily destroyed.

Ears ringing, she felt something trickling down her neck. Her vision was blurry, but she could see enough to know Webb was crouched beside her, apologies falling from his lips. She tried to shake her head, to tell him to go away, but then he was suddenly gone.

It was then that the shouting started. Flesh hit flesh, and a body struck the wall beside her. The same body was lifted and slammed into the wall once again. The man shouting was Harm.

Mac's voice was thick as she tried to tell Harm to stop, that Webb wasn't worth it, but she was sure her words were coming out in a garbled mess. More voices joined Harm's, and then she saw the admiral and Sturgis pulling Harm off a now bloodied Webb.

Mac blacked out.

End Chapter 28