2
She's driving a little too fast for someone who can't see past the tears in her eyes, but she can't slow down, can't waste another minute, can't stand the idea of all the fucking time that's gone by already with yet another misunderstanding muddying the water between them. She'd forced herself to calm down with Fin, to allow things to settle with him, but her own emotions spiral out of control on the trip to Elliot's place and she's unable to stop crying, loud, hiccuping sobs that seize her whole body as she staggers to his door and her hand is shaking as she's knocking, slamming the side of her fist against the wood because god fucking damn anything that dares to get in her way right now and she's not even able to keep herself upright or see because her eyes are closed and she knows she's about to fall as she's collapsing under the weight of the truth, of finally knowing he was there, her partner came back for her just like she'd been sure he would because she needed him and she'd expected he would have known that because he always knew when she needed him and she's being absolutely crushed by the fact that she's been holding his absence against him all this time except he wasn't absent, and then she's falling and she can only wonder if she'll even feel it when she hits the ground because everything already hurts.
Except she doesn't fall.
He's there, his body taking the place of the door to support her as her body folds, his arms curling around her, and she's sure he's saying something, probably inquiring about the crazed woman screaming at his door after rebuffing his advances and then not speaking to him for months, but she can't hear or see or think and so she just feels and she feels the strength of his embrace and the warmth of his body and his complete acceptance of her behavior, of her presence, of her.
Something shifts deep inside of her, the forgiveness she'd felt in the truck with Fin spreading and changing and healing the parts of her she never thought would heal, the parts that she buried after Lewis, the parts that turned into festering wounds after Elliot didn't come back for her, the parts of her that died after she gave up on the only relationship in her life that had ever made sense to her. She has denied herself so much all her life, put off her own happiness, lied to herself about so damn many things, and now she's letting go of it, the hurt and the disappointment and the anger and the lies and the deep aching pain and she just wants to be with him and let herself lean on him and let him support her and she knows, she fucking knows now, that he will absolutely be there if she'll let him, because he's here now after she backed away from him like she was fucking terrified of him because he'd finally tried to kiss her.
Her body, her brain, her thoughts, her feelings, everything is exploding out of her and even though it's a catharsis, there's still a pressure, a tightness binding her and she starts to think that the misery was all that was holding her together all these years because she feels like she can still only barely breathe and she would have expected that sensation to go away when she found out he hadn't betrayed her, but somehow it's still there and she's trying to shift her arms, to move her hands from his chest, but there's so much pressure she feels like she's imploding and she starts to hyperventilate because she still can't breathe and she knows the panic is building but she can't even remember how to talk so she can't ask for help and she's afraid now that unadulterated utter panic is going to be her response every time he touches her and she knows him and she knows that means he'll never touch her again.
But then the pressure releases as one of his arms moves from around her, his hand shifting to the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her hair. "Shh, Liv, breathe. It's ok, whatever it is, it's ok."
She's trying to hear him and trying to listen and she can't because she's choking on her own sobs and she's shaking and she still can't hold herself up and her knees are giving out and she's clawing at his shirt and then the pressure is back as he lifts her up, his arm sneaking behind her legs as he completely relieves her of the worry of standing and she feels like her thoughts are operating on two different channels, the one is completely overwrought and sobbing and unable to handle basic priorities like standing and breathing while the other is fully detached and recognizing that she would never let anyone carry her while she is conscious except it's Elliot and even an hour ago she still wouldn't have let him carry her but now is different and this operational part of her brain understands that this is complete and unconditional forgiveness and she trusts him again and then her thoughts join together, the hysterical and the detached, and she knows what she is feeling now is the real release from her abduction and this is what would have happened if she'd been able to see him then and this is the healing she was denied all these years because she didn't just need help, she needed to feel safe and she even though everyone tried their best to help her, she has only ever felt well and truly safe with one person.
They're on his couch, sunk deep into the soft leather, and she's sunk even deeper into his arms, with her body draped across his and his arms strangling her again except she doesn't care that she can't breathe and she knows she needs to explain herself and she can feel his heart pounding under her ear, revealing his fear over what might have caused her reaction, and she hates that she is upsetting him, but she barely has control over her basic functioning right now so she knows she's not going to be able to explain herself, but she tries to reassure him anyway.
She tilts her face up, her voice thick and rough from crying, her words falling into the open collar of his shirt. "It's ok, El, everything is ok."
She feels him nodding, accepting the assurance, ignoring the complete lack of explanation, and she means to say more, but she's tired and it's so warm in his arms and she's so relaxed now that the onus of anger and resentment and blame is lifted from her shoulders and she isn't holding onto the damn grudge anymore and she can't resist the comfort, the contentment in allowing herself to actually understand that he came back. Not just then, which she doesn't want to think about right now, but he came back, he came home to stay and he put up with her completely shutting him out and being cold as ice sometimes and avoiding him others and she's going to apologize, to explain herself, really she is, but right now, she's just sneaking her arms around his waist and burrowing her face into his throat and letting it all go.
It had been late, very late after a long day at work, when she and Fin had left the bar. It had been even later by the time she'd dropped him at home and driven all the way to Elliot's apartment. And she really has no way of knowing how long she was melting down in his arms nor how long she'd been asleep. But she's awake again and she can barely see the garden through the glass door because it's still dark, but she feels completely rested and refreshed like she just had a week at a spa. She takes a deep breath, shifting slightly, finding his arms remain wrapped around her, his grip loosened in sleep, the weight of his head leaning on hers, his chest rising and falling against hers in a relaxed rhythm and of course he fell asleep holding her because she knows he's never going to miss an opportunity to hold her because he wants this and he's told her he wants this and even with all the times she's pushed him away, he hasn't given up on this.
She shifts again, just to enjoy the feeling of his solid body under hers. She doesn't want to wake him, she knows he needs his sleep as desperately as she does, but she feels so relaxed and content and hopeful because she understands now and he had only seen her catharsis which probably looked a lot like something awful had happened and something awful had happened but it happened a decade ago and he probably fell asleep worried and so it's probably not particularly restful sleep, at least that's what she tells herself when she shifts her mouth off his throat, nearly trailing her lips over his skin as she moves to whisper his name against his ear. His nickname has barely left her mouth when he stirs and and she suspects he wasn't that deeply asleep to begin with and she feels the way his body responds, his hands sliding over her clothes, one on her back, one on her hip, and the tender way his face nuzzles into her and then a moment later, before the amazement at this vulnerable side of Elliot can even set in, he tenses and she feels him pull away.
He's craning his head back to catch her eyes while she's trying to close the distance and backing away is the last thing she wants because she has been backing away for years and she's fucking tired of it. But he doesn't know what's different and of course he's going to be hesitant because he's expecting another rejection once she calms down from whatever crisis he assumes she experienced tonight.
She gives up her quest to tuck her face into this throat, for now, and she leans back slightly, but she needs the contact and she reaches up and lets her hand cup his jaw, turning his head toward her and she knows the love she feels is shining in her eyes now that her walls are down and of course he sees it and she can see his answering confusion and there's so much she wants to say that she doesn't even know where to start.
"You came back," is all she can manage, the concept and the reality assailing her as she realizes how much her behavior must have hurt him because when he left he'd been trying to save himself, but he did come back when she needed him. Fin had turned him away, let him believe that she had, and then all these years later, she'd been cold and detached and even when she'd relented and allowed them to become friends again, she'd refused all his attempts - attempts she can now admit to herself were sweet and shy and playful and so fucking tempting even though she couldn't forgive him - to finally give into what she's not even going to pretend anymore hasn't been simmering between them for decades.
If his expression was confused before, it's moreso now when concern is mixed in, his eyes narrowing as he reaches up to take her hand from his face, his fingers wrapping around her palm. "I've been back for two years, Liv."
She nods, understanding his worry stems from thinking she's lost her damn mind. She hates that she has to say the name, she hates that it's the second time in one night, but she has to comfort Elliot, she has to reassure him that she's here in his arms while she's of sound mind. "Lewis."
They're so close she can't miss the pain that washes over his face, the way his eyes press closed, his lips turning down, his breath catching. It takes a minute, but he regains control, finally meeting her eyes again. "I don't blame you for not wanting me there."
She pulls her hand from his and she hates the way he misinterprets the movement, the way he immediately lets go like she burned him. Her hand moves back to his cheek as she holds his eyes. "I did want you there." Her chin trembles and her voice falters and she has to take a minute to get herself together before she can continue. "I was looking for you."
He's less confused, but more concerned and his eyes are darting back and forth between hers like he's not sure which one of them is completely insane. "Fin said you didn't want to see him, he told you I was there. Your friends, they said you wanted me to leave."
She shakes her head and blinks back the tears as she's imagining how much that must have hurt him, to be there, scared and worried and desperate to see her with her partner and squad saying she didn't want him and making him leave and she can't even process how much that would have hurt had their positions been reverse and suddenly it makes complete sense why he left after that and didn't come back for eight more years and then only with an invite from someone in that inner circle who'd denied him. "I wanted you." Her hands shift to his shirt, her nails clinging to the fabric, and she's trying to push herself closer and crawl under his skin so no one can ever separate them again because he is her home and she never ever wants to be even an inch away from him. "Of course I wanted you there. I couldn't believe that you didn't come back for me." She can feel the way he trembles at her words and she doesn't realize she hasn't clarified anything until he starts talking.
"No, Liv, no, I was there. I called Cragen and Fin and Munch and no one would take my calls and so I went to the hospital and I tried to see you and everyone told me you didn't want me there."
She gives in to the need for more contact, more comfort, and presses her face against his, their cheeks separated only by their tears, and even that is too much and she pushes harder into him. "They never told me you came back. I didn't know."
He jerks his head back and she hates that she's lost the touch she so desperately craves right now, but she suspects he needs the eye contact just as much and she lets him have it and she lets him stare until he knows she's telling the truth. She sees the surprise and the pain and finally the devastation as it washes over him.
And then she tucks her face back into his throat to tell him the rest because she knows he's still reeling from the same damn thing that sent her into the spiral tonight that ended here on his couch and he deserves to know, to understand, to heal, and it's important that she's clinging to him right now because part of what she has to say is going to scare him and she doesn't want him to think the sentiment that started this ball rolling is in any way still true. "I was talking to Fin tonight and he was a little drunk and prying about you and me and I told him I couldn't forgive you for not coming back for me then." She feels him tense and she's sure it's because he knows now how damn close this whole thing came to being irrecoverable through no fault of their own and then it hits her again that she could have, would have, almost did walk away from the absolute love of her life, her other half, her goddam soulmate, because her friends misunderstood back then that she'd given up, not gotten over, and fuck this was damn near a fucking Shakespearean-level tragedy. "He finally told me the truth, El. I didn't know you came back until tonight."
The tension is still palpable, his muscles coiled and shaking and she knows he wants to hit something to let out the anger and she cannot let him beat the shit out of Fin because they have to be friends because she can't live without either one of them. Not anymore.
Her hands move around his shoulders and she squeezes him tight until she feels his arms finally relax and settle around her. "He didn't understand, El, he thought he was doing the right thing."
He's waging a battle now, his body shaking as he tries to let go of the anger at her request, his arms desperate to lash out but instead remaining gentle as he holds her. "How could he think keeping me away was going to help you?"
"I lied. I pretended. I guess I faked it so well that everyone thought it was true." She knows she hadn't done such a good job in the beginning, but she really had no idea how well she'd fooled people into thinking she had her shit together there while Elliot was gone. "They all thought I was over you." She takes a deep breath, trying to shake off the nerves that come with her thoughts, reminding herself that he came back and that it's ok to be vulnerable now because she can trust him and it's going to take some getting used to not being scared of him hurting even though she knows now that he won't. She finds her strength and her courage in the way that Elliot is softly stroking her back while he's shaking with the urge to stick his fists through a wall and if he can change, so can she. "I never got over you. I never will."
She wants to hide because that's what she's comfortable with because that's what she's always done, but she needs to see his eyes when she says it and she'll never forgive herself if she's too scared. So she pulls away from him enough to meet his eyes and she swears she's never seen them so clear and blue and she knows it's probably just from the tears in his eyes but she tells herself it's love and she believes it's love no matter what she tries to convince herself and she can't help but smile now as realizes there are a lot more changes she's going to have to get used to and not a damn one of them will be bad and she starts to smile.
"I love you, Elliot."
And then her smile is contagious and spreading across his face and his eyes light up and now she knows she's never seen his eyes so clear and blue and she can't even imagine that she has the power to make this man so happy. His hands slide up her back and over her hair and his fingers are delicately resting on her neck while his palms cup her jaw and she almost feels stupid for how hard she's smiling but dammit she's fucking earned this happiness.
"I love you too."
She's leaning forward because she knows what finally comes next and it's playing out exactly the same, but different this time, because she's moving in and he's angling his head to the right and they're right there and she hears him whisper her name just like before but it's different now and rather than letting his voice remind her how much she missed it when she needed him and he was gone, this time she wants to give him all the reasons to stay and she doesn't think she needs any words when she closes the distance and presses her lips to his and she almost misses the way he shudders when she does because she's shaking too.
It's sensory overload when they kiss, it always has been when they touch, so of course this is no different, and she can't tell whether she's not thinking clearly or perhaps she's thinking too clearly and acutely aware of every subtle shift and brush and breath and sound and he's standing up with her still in his arms and her head is falling back as he's tasting her throat and she forces her eyes open to convince herself that this is really happening because it's too easy to think it might be a dream and she sees the way the sun is just starting to lighten the patio outside his door and the world might be getting up, but they are definitely headed to bed and she's so damn thankful for Fin's confession, even if it hurt, because she's not even the slightest bit nervous as he's lowering her onto the bed and they're shredding each other's clothes and their fingers are knotting together and their breaths are shared and they are no longer two halves, but one, single, united whole and it's so fucking perfect, exactly how she's always known it would be.
Afterwards, when she's snuggled into his side and his hands are roaming over her and her legs are tangling with his, she sighs and thinks this is the only way she wants to sleep for the rest of her life.
His voice is raspy and more than a little proud when he pulls the blanket over them. "So we're really doing this?"
She breathes against his chest, watching as goosebumps rise in response. "You really love me?"
His arms tighten as though she's unsure rather than teasing. "Of course I do."
She gins then, craning her neck up so he can see her smile. "You're really back?"
"Of course I am." He nods then to drive the point home, his fingers returning to dancing across her skin and she knows his touch is as much to reassure himself that he's allowed as it is possessive and she realizes she doesn't mind it one damn bit if Elliot Stabler considers her his.
She's tired, but she finds she can't close her eyes, can't look away, and he's just staring back and she's completely addicted to the satisfied gleam in his eyes and she's looking forward to all the many ways she can possibly put that look on his face. "Then I guess we're really doing this."
"Of course we are." He's reaching over to turn off the light and tucking the blanket around her shoulders and letting out a deep sigh and she wonders if he's letting go of all the pain too. It makes sense, she realizes, that they're both healing now, that they're healing together, because there really was no way they could ever heal when they were apart simply because being apart was the very thing they needed to heal. She closes her eyes and finally lets herself rest.