Chapter Twenty: Confession Is Good For The Soul

Buffy quietly approached Estel, who was lounging in his usual spot by the river. It had been one month since their arrival in Imladris, and she finally felt it was time to drag out the whole destiny business and deal with it. When she questioned Elrond about Galadriel's words, he had told her everything. After discussing it with Willow, it was decided that Buffy should approach Estel one-on-one.

"If any of the rest of us come," the redhead had explained, "it'd be too much like an intervention."

"Right," Buffy agreed. "And we all know those never go well."

Since she knew Estel would be around for three months before taking off into the wilds with the twins again, she thought it'd be best to befriend him first. To gain his trust. Maybe he'd even tell her all about it himself. Now, a month later, she'd decided that if she couldn't worm it out of him today, she was going to tell him what she knew. Hopefully he wouldn't be too pissed to accept her help. The thing was, they really HAD become friends, and she was concerned about his closed-off nature --- it seemed to be getting worse with time rather than better.

It had been a wonderful month, recalling their early days in Lothlórien when their only aim was to catch up on sleep and learn more about their surroundings. Arwen constantly dragged them off on exploratory trips through the valley, and Buffy managed to strike up a rapport with the warrior Elves of Imladris much as she had in the Golden Wood. Bright sunny days would find large crowds of Elves gathered out in the open lands to watch fencing matches. She enjoyed sparring with Estel; he was a font of various techniques that Buffy hadn't been introduced to. And while she always won through superior strength and speed, she knew one day he'd give her a serious run for her money. Plus, he didn't seem to mind being beaten.

Their first night in Imladris, having finally left the welcoming festivities behind, Willow and Buffy found themselves in Arwen's Imladris home. It consisted of an entire wing of the sprawling maze of stone that made up the city. Suddenly they had tons of space and separate rooms, and Buffy found herself missing the month of travel where the two of them would fall asleep together on the hard ground. She blushed at the thought. This seemed to be par for the course these days. She'd think about Willow, or catch herself staring at the redhead, and then fall into a fit of blushing.

The real truth was, she was seeing her old friend in new ways ever since coming to Middle Earth, and she couldn't help but wonder if by hopping dimensions, she'd somehow hopped gender preferences as well. She'd always known that Willow was a beautiful and wonderful person, but now she seemed to be attracted to her as well. And she had literally no clue what to do about it. It was uncharted territory. Plus, they NEEDED each other here. They were all they had, and she didn't want to risk the great strides their friendship had made just to appease her hormones.

She pushed these errant thoughts aside and focused on Estel, dropping down to rest beside him. "Hey 'Stel," she greeted. "Penny for your thoughts."

"What?" he asked, still not used to her strange turns of phrase.

Buffy grimaced. "Oh, uh… it just means, 'whatcha thinkin' about?'"

"Ah." Estel smiled, feeling somewhat lighter as he always did when Buffy or Willow was near. It was nice to have mortals around, especially ones that appreciated Elven culture as much as he did. "I was thinking, well, serious thoughts, as you would say."

Buffy shifted around to get more comfortable. "Such as?" she prompted, knowing by now that he was about to brush off her efforts.

"Nothing worthy of sharing," he replied. "Where are the others?"

She decided to along with his blatant subject change. For now. "Taserë's doing some meditation type stuff, and Arwen and the dynamic duo are having family fun time with Elrond."

He sifted through her words, slowly understanding. "Family fun time," he repeated, chuckling. His face grew somewhat sad, and Buffy pounced on it.

"Where's your family? I mean, besides the one you have here."

Expression growing darker, he replied, "My father died when I was very young. I cannot remember him. Then, my mother brought me here."

"Do you get to see her much?"

"Nay. And it is only recently that I came to understand why." His voice dripped with bitterness.

She touched his arm comfortingly. "Why did she bring you here? From what I've learned, Men and Elves don't get along so well these days."

Digging a bare toe into the soft earth beside the river, Estel didn't immediately reply. Just as Buffy was thinking she'd lost him, he muttered, "Would you believe my real name is not Estel?"

She regarded him mildly. "It's been known to happen." When he stared at her, confusion evident, she made her decision. She would level with him. He was becoming a close friend, and he deserved to know, destiny be damned. And maybe it would help. So she sat up straight and looked him in the eye. "My real name isn't Aarion. That's why it's not so hard to believe that yours isn't Estel."

Estel was shocked. Here he was, lost in his own world of bitterness and self-pity, when this woman beside him kept trying to get to know him and help him --- all the while clearly having her own problems. 'Maybe she would understand,' he thought tentatively. "What do you mean?" he asked aloud.

"My real name is Buffy Summers," she began, figuring that was the best place to start. She paused; trying to think of some way to explain her exceedingly complicated life.

He blinked, and then whispered, "Aragorn."

She smiled at him. "Nice to meet you, Aragorn."

"Well met, Buffy Summers," he responded with a small grin.

"OK," she said seriously. "I'm gonna tell you some stuff, and it's gonna sound crazy. So please just hear me out." He nodded in agreement and she began her wild tale. She watched as his facial expressions shuttered rapidly through various emotions as she spoke, but by the end, it seemed that he believed.

Not sure how to respond, or if he bought her story yet, he said, "Who else knows this besides Galadriel, Elrond, the twins, and Arwen?"

Buffy picked up immediately on the way his voice hitched slightly over the word 'Arwen,' but decided to save her observations for later. "Just you. And it needs to stay that way."

Estel fell into thoughtful silence. A few months ago, he would have dismissed her tale immediately and probably laughed in her face along with it. But after everything he'd recently learned about himself, his whole perspective had changed. After all, if he was the sole remaining descendant of a long line of Gondorian Kings from Númenor, whose destiny was to essentially change the entire structure of Arda while defeating an ancient evil, why couldn't Buffy be a vampire slayer/ Guardian from another dimension with a destiny of her own? And what a load off if it was true. He wouldn't be the only destined one, and he'd have help from two, apparently quite powerful, creatures. Mortals. Sorceresses. Whatever they were. Estel made his own choice. He opened his mouth and told her his tale. And while it didn't make everything magickally better, it was a huge start.

"So, how'd it go?" Willow asked several hours later. They had planned to meet up after their activities for the day, and Buffy was the last of the three to return to their house. The trio settled into the plush main sitting room to talk. She was feeling irrationally jealous about her friend having spent the afternoon alone with Estel, just as she was feeling irrationally excited that Buffy was now lying on the couch with her feet in Willow's lap. As they talked, she gently trailed three fingers back and forth across the slayer's ankle, peeking at her every once in a while to see how she was reacting to the attention.

Buffy smiled happily, though it had more to do with Willow's hand on her leg than it did with her meeting. The redhead, of course, misinterpreted this smile and watched her friend's face closely. "We traded real names and stories. He actually cracked a smile a few times, it was amazing," she said somewhat facetiously. "AND," she turned her head to look at Arwen; "I learned something interesting with my super-sneaky powers of observation."

"What?" the elleth asked, confused.

Buffy smirked. "Seems our dear 'Stel has a little crush…on YOU!"

Arwen gasped. "That cannot be true. We have had only two, very short, conversations. He had the nerve to call me Lúthien Tinúviel."

Buffy giggled. "Nevertheless, he is a smitten kitten."

Willow couldn't hold in the wide grin on her face. Seemed she didn't have to worry about Estel after all. And just why should that matter anyway? Buffy was her friend, her very, very STRAIGHT friend. That's all she needed --- to put a crimp in their relationship now when things were going so well. She furrowed her brow, and then noticed how closely Arwen was watching her with a smirk of her own. "So," she said brightly, to direct the elleth's attention elsewhere, "What do you think of Estel? Name-calling aside."

Arwen sighed. "He is mortal," she said simply, as though that should explain everything.

Buffy shifted a little, wishing she could somehow get closer to Willow without being obvious. Sharing a glance with the redhead, she said, "Should we be insulted by this? Being mortal and all?"

She blushed. "Nay, and besides, you two are not exactly mortal anymore, are you? What I meant is; I would never consider becoming involved with someone having a mortal lifespan. I said as much to my brothers just days ago, when we were…never mind." She broke off, not wanting to explain how the 'mortal relationship' conversation had come up.

"You could choose to become mortal, right?" Willow asked curiously.

"Ai," she replied passionately. "But it would break Adar's heart; it would break MY heart. We would be sundered forever."

Buffy sighed, wishing things weren't always so complicated. "It's OK, Wen. I understand. I would've given anything to erase the whole mortal: immortal difference between Angel and I. But if the solution meant never seeing my family again --- I couldn't have done it, even as strongly as I felt for him then."

"And anyway," Arwen added. "Estel is naught but a child. It is difficult to take him seriously. You two, though you are barely older, seem infinitely more mature."

"Give him a few decades," the slayer intuited. "He's got that whole Númenorean lifespan going for him. Plus the full destiny package. 'Stel's already a great Man, maturity will come."

Arwen watched jealousy flash across the redhead's face and asked Buffy craftily, "Maybe you would like him for yourself, Aarion?"

"Nah, somehow he feels like a brother to me." She couldn't stop herself from turning to stare at Willow as she said this, and their eyes met, sparks flying.

The elleth stealthily rose, retreating to her own room, and leaving the two in their own little world. 'The twins are toast,' she thought triumphantly with a broad smile.

Willow continued to gaze directly into Buffy's beautiful eyes, not sure what was happening, but afraid to look away. "It's OK if you like Estel, he's a nice guy. And we've been here a whole year without any…" she cut herself off, suddenly realizing what she was about to say.

"I don't need some random guy just cuz I'm horny," she replied, and then blushed bright red at her admission. "Plus I really don't see him that way. Things have…changed…ever since we came here."

Willow regarded her curiously. "Changed how?"

Buffy wondered if she could actually talk to her friend about this. It was a double-edged sword. The obvious answer would be 'no,' but on the other hand, no one else understood her quite like Willow did. She was caught between desperately needing her friend's advice and compassion and wanting to die of embarrassment at the thought of the redhead learning exactly why Buffy thought she was suddenly ---different. "Um…" she muttered intelligently.

For her part, the witch was feeling concerned for her friend. It was clear that she had something serious on her mind, and didn't feel comfortable talking about it. "Buff, you know you can tell me anything, right? No matter what, I'll be your best friend. I promise." She had NO idea what to expect, and watched curiously as Buffy's eyes shifted nervously from the floor, to Willow, and back again.

'Like a band-aid, right?' she told herself. 'Best to tear it right off and deal with it.' Working up her courage, she began to speak, twisting her hands nervously in her lap. "Well, since coming to Middle Earth, I've felt sorta different."

"Different how?"

Buffy grimaced, wondering if she'd ever felt this awkward before. "I…um…I…it's-just-that-I've-always-been-super-straight-but-now-I-feel-like-I'm-maybe-not-so-straight," she rattled off, and stared into her lap again.

"Not so straight," Willow echoed, wondering if she'd heard correctly.

"Not so straight," she confirmed, whole body shaking. "I just don't know what to do," she rambled. "I mean, it's so huge and new and confusing…and if I'm really gay or bi or whatever, why didn't I notice before now? What did you…how did you…"

"Deal?" the redhead supplied, and Buffy nodded. "I felt just like you do. Suddenly I started feeling things I never thought I'd feel; it was like I was going crazy. Luckily, I had Tara --- she was incredibly helpful and caring and patient."

Buffy smiled. "She was," she agreed.

The Witch looked inquisitively towards Arwen's room for a long moment, and then turned back to her friend. This was huge. Of all the things Buffy had to tell her, she'd never imagined it would be this. "Wanna go for a walk?" she asked.

Buffy was extremely grateful. "Definitely." They walked in pensive silence until they got to the river, and Willow reached over to take her hand along the way.

Once they had collapsed on the ground under the shade of a copse of trees, Willow voiced her newest thoughts. "Buff, with me already being gay and all, why didn't you feel like you could tell me?"

The bright red blush returned to her face as she gazed awkwardly at her friend. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Um, not exactly." Then she remembered that it was her developing feelings for Tara that had forced her to realize that she liked girls. Apply that to Buffy, and… "Oh, I get it! So," she spoke slowly, sorting it out as she went, "either you've got feelings for Arwen, and you're afraid to tell me cuz, me being gay, you're worried that I have feelings for one of you --- OR --- you've got feelings for me, and you're worried that I won't return them."

The slayer sighed. "In a nutshell." She paused. "Without the nuts…"

Willow burst out laughing, pleased that Buffy could find the humor. "I'll tell you right now that I'm here for you, regardless of which of the above statements apply." In her head, she was thinking, 'Please be me, please be me, please be me!' But she meant what she'd said. Buffy had a lot to come to terms with, and she was resolved not to let her do it alone, even if it meant watching her friend moon over Arwen --- or decide she wasn't gay at all.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, feeling infinitely lighter. Even if Willow didn't feel the same way, it was a huge load off to know she wouldn't lose her completely. She was glad that she'd decided to be honest --- something that before coming to Middle Earth, she'd never have done. The time for playing games was over. "The second statement is the one that applies." Having said this, she watched anxiously for her friend's reaction.

'The second statement, the second statement,' Willow thought frantically. 'Which one was that again?' She mentally rewound, and then gasped, a huge smile coming to her face. 'She picked me!' she thought jubilantly. Buffy was watching her, facing tinged slightly blue from holding her breath. "OK," she said, trying to be calm. "I've been having fuzzy feelings for you, too. Back in Sunnydale, I automatically put you in a 'friend' box and didn't allow myself to see you as anything else. But coming here was like starting over, and somehow I couldn't get myself to put you back in that box and keep you there."

Buffy felt her entire body tingling with excitement. In all the times over the past year that she'd toyed with the idea of talking to Willow, she'd never imagined it turning out like this. "I know what you mean," she responded. "If I'd realized all this back home, I never would've told you. My whole life has been shaped by my fear of abandonment. But with the new us, it felt right to tell you, regardless of the outcome, and poof! I did it! It's crazy." She smiled.

"I have to say, I'm totally surprised," Willow said. "You always seemed 100 straight. Although I do remember wondering once or twice about you and Faith."

She was shocked; she'd never thought that anyone noticed. "There was definitely a lot of tension between us. Nothing ever happened, though. In those days, I was in 'normal or bust' mode; and Faith was in 'every emotion makes me violent' mode. Everyone always thought it was the break-up with Angel that drove me to Captain Cardboard --- but it was actually my reaction to Faith." She sighed heavily. "Why does it take moving to a different dimension to figure myself out?"

"We're back to this again?" Willow asked, exasperated. "It clearly goes in the same category as 'why we never got a full night's sleep' or 'why we never took baths.' The constant Hellmouthiness had a huge effect on my life. So imagine the effect it had on YOU, who never got even the slightest break."

Buffy smiled suddenly. "Do you know what this means?"

"What?"

"It means I'm finally living! I'm finally being Buffy."

Willow grinned back at her friend. "I'm glad. I like Buffy." She leaned forward and drew her into a hug. After a long moment, in which they took comfort in the embrace, she pulled away slightly so that their foreheads were lightly touching. "I think we should take this slowly. Make sure we're sure," she said softly, looking into Buffy's eyes.

The slayer's breath was taken away by the sheer impact of the witch's nearness. She gazed back into Willow's beautiful green eyes and nodded her agreement. "There's no need to rush," she murmured. Tentatively, she brushed her lips against Willow's, sighing happily at the softness of her mouth. The redhead closed her eyes briefly before returning the kiss, and she quivered with excitement. She bit gently on Buffy's full, lower lip --- causing her friend to gasp audibly, and allowing her to tease her mouth with her tongue. The kiss deepened as they tasted each other eagerly, caught up in the moment. Buffy reached up and tangled her hands in Willow's hair, pulling her closer. They clung together for several blissful moments, before finally pulling away, breathing raggedly.

"Wow," Willow offered with a smile.

"Definite wow," was Buffy's response.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, she asked, "So, you wanna go see if Arwen's still at the house?"

The slayer nodded. "She's been all smirky lately, I think she suspects that something's going on with us."

"She seems to smirk a lot, Buff, especially around her brothers," Willow comforted.

"I'm just sayin', she's been even smirkier than usual. And I don't think it's cuz she and Elrond have called truce --- I get this weird vibe that she and the twins have something cooked up that revolves around you and me."

Willow shook her head. "Paranoid much?"

Buffy just looked thoughtful. "Can we keep US to ourselves for a bit?"

"Makes sense until we're done sorting it all out," she agreed. "Plus, if you're right about Wen, she'll go crazy not knowing for sure!" They shared a satisfied grin and set off to find their new friends.