I'm sorry that this took me so long to update! For some reason I have having a really hard time getting this chapter right; however, to make up for this I made extra long. I've been having a rough time emotionally lately, as a lot in my life has recently changes. I don't mean to offer that up as an excuse, but take it into consideration, I guess.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters or Degrassi. I do own the storyline though.
NOTE: PLEASE REVIEW! I know it sounds needy, but I'd really like to know if anyone is reading this, and their opinion. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the plot, as I make CONSTANT changes. So, a little acknowlegement would be great, thanks.
What did I do? That was the first thought to enter my mind the following morning. I, Emma Nelson, had sex with Jay Hoggart. I, Emma Nelson, lost my virginity to Jay Hoggart. I groaned, burrowing my head deep into my pillow. How was I going to face him at school?
"Emma!" I frowned, turning over, placing the pillow over my head. "Emma!"
"What!" I exclaimed, throwing off both the pillow and my blankets.
My mom yelled back, equal in volume, "You have fifteen minutes until school starts! Hurry up, I'll drive you!"
"Crap," I muttered, while staggering my way to the bathroom. I believe I had the quickest shower in history that morning. When I pulled on the white tank top, grey hooded sweater, and blue jeans, I was still wet. I sighed, throwing my hair into a messy bun, and grabbing my backpack on the way out. I quickly ran up the stairs to find my mother holding two poptarts. "I don't have time to eat this morning. We're going to be late," I explained when I walked passed her.
"Eat it in the car," she said, almost as a challenge.
"Fine," I growled, grabbing them from her and marching to the car.
The ride was fairly silent, with my mother watching me like a hawk, to make sure I ate both sugar coated death demons. "Happy?" I asked, when I had gotten them both down.
"Very," she replied, smiling. "Snake and I were beginning to worry about you. You hardly eat anymore."
"I do eat," I lied. "You guys just aren't around enough to notice."
"Em, we've barely left the house lately. You know that."
I sighed, looking out the window. "Whatever. Oh look, we're here." I jumped out of the car before she had a chance to argue. I didn't feel like fighting with my mother that morning; I had enough on my mind when thinking about the previous night. I sighed, wrapping my arms around my self as I entered the doors of Degrassi.
First things first, I had to get rid of the calories that were quickly being digested. I went straight for the bathroom, closing myself into an empty stall. Needless to say, with no one around, I was able to get rid of everything. I smiled triumphantly, as I walked over to the sink to rinse my mouth out, and pop in a gum.
I was now free to think about Jay. Truth be told, I had no idea what to think; sometimes I thought maybe, just maybe, I actually liked him. But, most of the time I just thought of him as a good friend. And, I didn't know much, but I knew that good friends weren't supposed to do what we had done the night before. Did he like me as a friend, or as a potential girlfriend? I frowned as the bell rang, signaling the five minutes I had before class was to begin.
Quickly, I rushed the few halls to my locker, throwing off my backpack and grabbing my science book. I was already falling behind in that class, and I didn't need a late to be added to my already awful track record. As expected, I didn't make it in time, and had to go to the main office to sign in; and, as lucky as I was, Jay Hoggart was also in line.
"Oh boy," I muttered under my breath, as I tried my best to casually blend into the back of the line.
"Cause girl!" I grimaced, looking over to see Alex.
Jay undoubtably heard as well, as his head whipped around to look my way. I forced a small smile, and he did the same. Clearly, we were taking the awkward route to dealing with this.
"What's wrong?" Alex inquired obnoxiously. "I thought you two were best buds, what happened?"
"It's none of your business," I replied quickly, blushing.
"Aww, she's blushing! You know, Emma, Jay has quite the way with women. Would you believe that he has devirginized at least four?"
"Alex, shut the hell up!" Jay exclaimed.
I frowned, taking in the information, trying to figure out whether to believe it or not. "It's not like that," I found myself saying to no one in particular.
"Are you so sure?" She asked, sneering at Jay.
"How about thawing out that heart, Alex?" I turned to look behind me and saw the face of Craig.
"Silence in the line!" The attendance secretary shouted, silencing us all.
I smiled thankfully at Craig, and mouthed the word, "Thanks."
Jay got to the front of the line, signed in, and received his slip. He walked passed me, handing me a slip of paper. I opened it, and read the scrawl:
Em,
Meet me at my car during lunch. We need to talk.
I sighed, folding it up and placing it in my pocket.
"Psst, Emma!" I turned, facing Craig who had worked his way directly behind me. "What are you doing after school?"
"I don't know yet, why?" I asked skeptically.
"Well, Joey lent me the convertible, and I want to go for a drive..."
"So?"
"Soooo, do you want to come with?"
"Why don't you take Spin, or Jimmy, or Marco, or Ash, or..."
"I get it," he interrupted laughing. "Want the honest truth?" I nodded. "The guys are busy, and Ash and I haven't really been on speaking terms since the whole Manny thing..."
"That's very interesting," I replied sarcastically. "So, I'm a last option."
"That wasn't the point I was trying to make. In all honesty, I haven't been able to forget what you said that night in my car." I stared at him, trying my best not to express any emotion in my face. He continued, "You were right. We used to be pretty tight...hanging out and whatnot. I mean, we did the whole Stouffville thing, right? And then we kind of drifted away, with Manny..."
"Fine."
"Fine?"
"Yeah, whatever. Meet me out front after school," I replied. "I'm trying the whole rekindle old relationships thing."
He smiled, "Okay. See ya then."
"Next!"
After getting my slip, I left the line and walked the few halls to my class.
"How nice of you to join us, Ms. Nelson," Mr. Lackie said sarcastically as I entered.
"Sorry!" I exclaimed, scurrying quickly to my seat.
"Where were you?" Manny whispered to me, as the class picked up once again.
"I had to use the washroom," I told her; after all, it wasn't a complete lie. "Then, I had to sign in."
Manny nodded, "Ugh! I hate that rule. I mean, they can't expect us to go to class looking all gross, can they? Sometimes you just need to put on a little extra gloss, you know?" I smiled in agreement; Manny had an interesting way of making you smile even when you didn't want to.
"Excuse me," Mr.Lackie interrupted. "Could you two ladies be bothered to actually pay attention in class?"
"Yes sir, sorry," Manny sputtered.
"And Ms. Nelson, I'll see you when the bell rings?"
I frowned, "Sounds fantastic..."
"Great, now I would suggest you take some notes on the cell structure, as there will be a quiz in the near future."
The next twenty minutes were spent feverishly trying to copy down all of Mr. Lackie's frantic lecture. To be completely honest, I had no idea what he was talking about; I hadn't paid any attention to the class in the last two months. I was in the process of trying to figure out the function of ribosomes when Manny tossed a neatly folded piece of paper my way. I opened it up, as quietly as I could.
Em,
What are you doing at lunch? Tell me you aren't busy! We have some serious catching up to do.
Sighing, I quickly responded.
Manny,
I would love nothing more than to hang with you at lunch, but I have some serious talking to do with Jay. Sorry. Another time?
I crumpled it up, tossing it to her. Taking a few minutes to respond, she threw it back.
Emmmmma!
Tell me the gossip! Serious? Like hooow serious? I'm dying here. How about The Dot, after school? It's on me.
I smiled, reading her desperate attempt to get the information out of me.
Manuela...
I can't talk about it right now, but I'll fill you in some other time. Let's just say it's pretty big. I can't hang out after school either...I have plans with Craig. It's complicated.
I tossed the note her way, but before I had a chance to get it back the bell rang, and Mr. Lackie shooed Manny out of the room. I approached his desk apprehensively, plastering on a sweet smile.
"Ms. Nelson, I think we have an issue."
"Uh, what kind of issue?" I asked, frowning.
He pulled out a folder from the top drawer of his desk. He looked in on it's contents, and then looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Well, looking here at your marks it seems that you have managed to drop from 90 in my course to an embarrassing 45. Somehow you have managed to fail the last three tests, and you have only turned in two of the six major assignments I have assigned in the last three months." I opened my mouth hoping to somehow redeem myself, but he beat me to the chase, "Now is not the time for excuses, Ms. Nelson. Now, I don't know exactly what's going on in your life, but you seem to be in some sort of trouble. I'd suggest you visit Ms.Suave."
"With all due respect, I'd rather not, sir."
"That's your choice, I suppose," he said, sighing. "You've just been very out of character lately. I mean, associating with hooligans?"
I frowned, crossing my arms on my chest, "You have no right to pass judgment on who I choose to associate with, Mr. Lackie. Now, I will try harder to up my mark in this class; but, I would suggest you don't pry your nose into my personal life anymore."
I stormed out of the room, and out of the school; I didn't feel like going to English anyway. I ran outside, rushing passed Paige and Hazel who sat on the school steps.
"Whoa, cause girl, slow it down!"
I whipped around, "What did you call me!"
"Hun," Paige began. "Calm down, I was just kidding around. Shouldn't you be in class?"
I released the air I didn't even know I was holding, and placed one hand on my hip. "I don't feel like going."
"Looks like Hoggart is rubbing off on her," Hazel joked.
"Yeah. What's up with that anyway?" Paige asked, looking over at me.
I frowned, "That's none of you business."
"It's just...he's so un-you."
"You don't know that," I said, fuming. "You don't know anything about me."
"True," she stated simply, "but, I know you well enough to know that he was one of the reasons Sean and you broke up."
I froze at the mention of it; it was true, Jay was the reason Sean and I broke up.
"But," she began again, "I guess you have a thing for bad boys."
"She likes to help, Paige; and, trying to reform every scumbag in Degrassi is her mission."
At this point I was fuming. How dare they try and analyze my motives. How dare they decide who I should and should not be with. "You know what? Go to hell."
I turned around quickly and stormed off towards an indefinite point; I ended up on a picnic table in a park about five minutes from school. It really is a pity that I didn't get to see their faces when I told them off.
The park was relatively silent, with only one man and his toddler son. I watched them for awhile before burrowing my head in my arms. I lost myself in the sound of silence...starting to take in to account my life in its entirety. I felt oddly hollow. Sure, when I was with Jay, I was happy; but, in the end, I was just hollow. I didn't feel happy, and couldn't remember if I had ever been. I started to think about everything from Jordan to Sean to my father to Rick to the shooting to the ravine to the intense diet to losing my virginity to Jay. It was an intense flurry of not so happy memories. It was times like these that a girl really needed her father...too bad for Emma.
"I hate you!" I exclaimed, startling the father in the park. I wasn't sure who I was screaming at, but I felt the anger. I sighed heavily, as the man towed his now crying son out of the sand. I started to tear up; I never had that. I stood up quickly, kicking the table. I started to run, I didn't have a destination. I must have looked completely insane. I had been running for about fifteen minutes when I started to get dizzy. I stopped abruptly, throwing myself to the soft terrain below. I could hardly breathe, and my chest felt like it was collapsing in. My vision started to spot, when I heard the familiar sixteen speaker system coming closer. I stood up, shaking my head clear, trying my best to recapture my breath.
The car neared and slowed beside me. "Get in," he stated, reaching over to unlock the passenger door.
I obeyed, and walked around to the passenger side, opening the door and plopping down. "Hi," I muttered quietly.
He looked over at me, "Have you been crying?"
I rubbed my eyes, turning away. "No."
"You're lying," he stated simply. "You're eyes are all puffy and red..."
"Fine, I was crying. Happy?" I exclaimed.
Turning the car off, he shifted his body towards me, "No. What's wrong?"
I sighed, looking out the window to the now empty park. "Nothing," I told him.
"Okay," he sighed. "Now how about the truth? Come on, Em...you can tell me anything, you know that."
I smiled slightly, facing him. "I know. It's just..well, everything, I guess."
"Everything?" He questioned. "Em...you are eating, right?"
"Of course I am," I lied. "This has nothing to do with that."
"Are you sure?" He asked, analyzing me with his doubtful eyes.
"Yes!" I exclaimed. "Sorry," I apologized when he flinched. "I've been perfectly healthy..."
"Good," he smiled, seeming pleased with me...or himself. "Then, why are you so upset?"
"I just started thinking about my life."
"Is it that bad?"
"Probably not," I replied honestly. "I just started thinking about all the crap in my life..."
"Like?"
I smiled, "You don't have the time."
"For you," he said looking at me with great intensity, "I have all the time in the world."
"From the start?" He nodded. "Well, did I ever tell you about the time I was almost raped?"
His eyes bulged, "No."
"I was in the seventh grade. I thought this guy liked me...I thought he was only a few year older than me. I met him on the internet. So, trying to act mature and stuff, I thought it was a good idea to go see him. Turns out he was a pedophile... if my mom and Snake hadn't of come I would...well, never mind."
"Oh, Em," he sighed, reaching over to brush the hair out of my face, "I'm so sorry."
I smiled slightly, "But, I mean, I did save kids, right? If it wasn't for my stupidity other kids could have been hurt!"
"Exactly," he agreed.
"I don't know why I brought this up. I haven't talked to anyone about it since it happened."
"Maybe it's good to talk..."
"Maybe," I sighed, running my hand through my hair.
"I can tell by looking at you that it isn't over."
"What?"
"There's more bothering you..."
"Tons," I replied, surprised at my own honesty.
"So, what's next?" I looked at him doubtfully. "Come on," he urged, "think of me as your own personal Dr.Phil."
I laughed, folding my hands on my lap nervously. "Are you sure?" He nodded, encouraging me to continue. I sighed heavily, "I guess my father is next on the list." I paused, remembering the time Craig and I went to find him. Then, remembering when I had found him with my mom. I sighed, "This one's a toughie.." I stopped, looking out the window to see a young blond girl being pushed on the swing by her father. They were laughing, having the time of their life.
"Are you okay?"
I smiled, "Yeah, sorry. Well, basically my mom got pregnant when she was real young. My father, Shane, took some acid one night and fell, or jumped, off a bride," I paused, looking at Jay's concerned expression. "Obviously, that caused some brain damage. My mom took me to see him when I was really young, but it upset him, and his parents didn't think it was a good idea. So, I didn't see him again until last year."
"It must've been hard to grow up without a father."
"It was," I replied, remembering how I had felt. "I couldn't understand why I didn't have one. I was confused about it for the longest time, and eventually I realized I just didn't have one. I thought maybe I had done something." I frowned, looking down at my hands. "So, on the first day of grade nine I got Craig to go on a search with me..."
"Why Manning?" Jay interrupted.
"We used to be pretty close," I replied. "Plus, he had father issues too. So, we went looking. I eventually found him...he was in this institution. One of those all white ones, with small depressing rooms. He was glad to see me. I didn't know how to feel. No one had told me what was wrong with him...I never knew."
"Your mom never told you?"
I shook my head, "No. I found out that way. The nurse was mad and made us leave. Then, a few days later he went to my house and got aggressive with my mom. I haven't seen or talked to him since."
"Why not?"
"I don't know," I replied honestly.
"My dad called me last week."
"What?" I asked, surprised. I remembered the conversation we had before about his father.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, running his hand through his hair. "He called. He was drunk..."
"Oh, Jay..." I whispered. "I'm sorry."
He smirked, "You know, that's not even the worst of it," he paused. "I mean, he never used to drink; but, somehow, that wasn't even the worse part."
"What was then?" I asked.
"He told me he loved me."
I frowned, trying to understand exactly what he was saying. "I don't understand..."
"We haven't talked since Christmas, and it's been five years since I've seen him, and then he just calls to say 'I love you'?" He was obviously worked up by it all. "How dare he! I mean, I've spent the last five years separating myself from him, trying to forget how great it was when he was around. Then, just when I think it's safe to breathe, he calls and proclaims this undying love for me. If he cared so much, why isn't he here?"
I wasn't sure what to say, "Did you get the call before or after we..."
"Before...why?" I frowned, facing the window. Maybe Jay's grand romantic gesture was just a distraction; or some way to prove to himself that he wasn't like his father. He must have sensed what I was thinking by the look on my face, because he put an end to it. "Em, I had that night planned for over a week." I raised my eyebrows. "No!" He sighed, "Not that part. I had the picnic planned..."
I nodded, "Okay."
"About that...are you okay?"
"With having sex?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I mean...I didn't pressure you in any way did I?"
I smiled, "Not one tiny bit. Sure, I didn't plan on losing my virginity, but it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?" Truthfully, I still wasn't entirely sure about how I felt.
"I was your first?"
I nodded, "Yeah."
"I'm sorry," he said, looking at me with all seriousness.
I didn't know what to say. Part of me was sorry too; I didn't love Jay, and probably shouldn't have done what we had. However, there was another part of me that was glad with what I had done. In a way, I had been swept off my feet...caught in the moment. Sure, it had started with me just wanting to get out of eating a meal; but, in the end, I did want Jay at that moment. I smiled at him, "I'm not."
"Want to go back to school? Lunch should be over soon."
I shook me head, "Not yet." Then, turning to look at the park one last time, I grinned. "What's your opinion on Stouffville?"
He frowned, "What?"
"I have to see someone," I stated simply.
So, we drove the entire hour to the familiar white building. "This is where my dad lives," I said, stepping out of the car into the bright shining sun.
"Em, are you sure you want to do this?"
I smiled, "Absolutely. He doesn't get many visitors, I don't think...the least he deserves is a visit from his daughter."
"Okay," he said, getting out of the car, and coming to stand next to me. "I'll wait in the lobby."
I looked up at him, squinting through the sunlight. "Come in with me. I want to introduce him to my best friend."
He flinched a bit, either at the idea of being a best friend, or at only being considered my best friend. "Let's go then."
We started to walk, and I went to speak to the lady at the front desk. "Hi," I began, "my name is Emma Nelson..."
"The Emma Nelson?" She asks, smiling wide.
"Yeah," I stated, wondering what she was getting at.
"Shane talks about you all the time. He says that you're very pretty, I can see that he hasn't lied."
I smiled, "Thank you. Do you think it's at all possible for me to see him today? I know, I should have called, but it was kind of a spur of the moment thing."
"From what I heard, the last time you spurred your way into here, Shane didn't take it so well."
Frowning, I responded, "Well, in my defense, everything was going fine; and, then the nurse came in and made me leave quickly. Now, I know it's her job, but I think that upset him more. I'm here this time, calmly, I might add, and I really want to see my father."
She sighed, "Let me call up to the third floor; I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," I replied, as she picked up the phone.
"Hi, Carol? Yeah, it's me, Bonnie. I have a young lady her, Miss. Nelson...yes, that one...no she didn't try to sneak in...she seems stable...can she?...for half an hour?...great, thanks." She hung up, and pitched a gigantic smile my way. "She said you have half an hour, starting now."
I smiled, "Thank you, Bonnie!" I ran past her station, over to the chair Jay was sitting on. "Let's go." We jogged up the two flights of stairs, to where I knew my father's room was. I smiled, seeing the familiar nurse waiting outside his door.
"Emma," she nodded curtly.
I glanced briefly at her name tag, "Carol, hi."
"New boy?" She asked, tilting her head towards Jay, who stood nervously behind me.
"What?"
"As I remember, the last time you were with another boy. I believe he was a bit shorter, brown curly hair...took pictures."
I smiled, "That was Craig. This," I said, gesturing, "is Jay."
"Nice to meet you," he provided politely.
She smiled tightly, "I'm sure." Then, looking back over to me, "Emma, you have about twenty-five minutes. I'll be down the hall, so don't try anything cute. Try not to rile him up." I nodded in agreement, as she began to walk down the hall. "Oh, and Emma?" She added, turning around.
"Yeah?"
"He talks about you everyday."
I smiled, opening his door. "Dad?"
He was sitting on his bed, knitting. "Emma!" He exclaimed, getting up. "You came."
I smiled, "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner..."
"How come you never call me? Sometimes Johnny's daughter calls him..."
"Who's Johnny?" I asked.
"My friend, he live downstairs," he stopped talking to look me over. "You're skinner."
I crossed my arms uncomfortably across my chest. "No I'm not."
He nodded, "Yeah, yeah you are." A tear fell from my left eye, "I'm sorry.." he stated, when he saw I was getting emotional. "I made you cry."
I smiled, "No," I said, wiping the few stray tears. "I'm just happy to see you, that's all."
He grinned, "I made you a sweater," he said happily, reaching into his drawer to retrieve a bright yellow sweater, about four sizes to big.
"It's beautiful," I told him, taking off the grey sweater I had on, and replacing it with the one he had just given to me.
"I made it yellow...like your hair," he said proudly.
"Yellow is my favourite colour," I told him kindly, although I had always been partial to blue.
"It is?" He asked excitedly.
I nodded, and then remembered that I had brought Jay along with me. "Dad, I want you to meet someone." I smiled, and directed his attention to where Jay stood, smiling kindly. "This is Jay."
"Hi," Jay said, stepping slowly into the room.
"Jay?" Dad questioned, looking at him with confusion.
"He's a friend of mine from school," I explained.
Dad smiled, "Your boyfriend?"
Laughing kindly, I responded, "No, he's just a good friend."
He paused silently, taking in the information, and trying to form the right words. "Any friend of Emma's is a friend of mine," he responded, obviously proud that he had found the right words.
Jay smiled, and reached in to shake the hand that my dad was now extending, "It's nice to meet you, sir."
I smiled, Jay was treating my dad completely normal; how a boy should be when meeting a girl's father. I was happy about that. "Dad," I began, when they had stopped shaking hands, "I'm sorry I didn't call or come visit."
"I missed you," he said plainly.
"I know, I've just been busy lately."
"That's okay, Emma," he said, coming over to give me a hug. "Did the baby like the hat?" He asked, changing the subject.
"He loves it," I told him.
We sat around for another then minutes; dad showed us his knitting, the two pictures he had with me and him, and a painting he had done. Eventually, Carol came back and we had to go; dad was surprisingly calm, letting us leave without any commotion. I was glad, because it would make it much easier for me to stop by in the future.
Stepping out of the sterile white building, and into the bright shining sun, I smiled.
"What?" Jay asked, seeing the huge smile on my face.
"I'm just feeling happy right now," I replied plainly.
"As opposed to?"
I frowned a bit, "As opposed to most other days..."
He walked behind me, grabbing my shoulders playfully and shaking them. "Come on, Greenpeace...don't get all emo on me now."
I laughed, "Fine. I guess I'll just have to be a thug then." I grabbed his hat off his head, putting it on my own.
"Em!" He laughed, chasing me to the car.
I was glad that after what had happened the day before, we could still have moments like that.
We pulled up to the school parking lot at 3:00 exactly, school was over. "Opps," I sighed playfully.
"Are your parents going to be mad?"
I smiled, "Probably."
"So, what are you doing right now? Want to go to my house, or something?"
"I can't," I replied honestly.
"Why not?"
"I told Craig I'd go for a drive with him. Joey lent him the car, and he had no one else to go with."
"You're hanging out with manwhore?"
"Jay!" I exclaimed, slapping him playfully on the arm. "Craig, despite his tendency to sleep around, is a really good guy. We used to be good friends, you know that."
He sighed, "Well, he's coming out of the school so you might want to go."
I smiled, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, "See you later! Thanks again for coming with me."
I jumped out of the car, closing the door behind me, and jogged my way to where Craig stood in the parking lot, looking towards to front doors of Degrassi. I snuck up behind him, putting my hands over his eyes. "Guess who."
"Cyndi Lauper?"
I laughed, "Correct. Good job, Sid."
"I didn't see you come out of the school," he replied, turning around to face me.
I smirked playfully, "Well, maybe I have super powers."
"I don't think so," he chuckled.
"Well, then maybe I wasn't at school."
"We'll address this later," he replied. "But, right now you need to get your butt in the passenger seat of this kickass ride."
I laughed, "Well, aren't we demanding." I walked over to the passenger side and hoped over the door into the front seat.
Craig followed suit, landing in the seat next to me. "Get ready for the ride of your life!" He exclaimed playfully, starting the car, squealing out of the parking lot.
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm not the first girl you've said that to," I joked.
"Very funny," he responded rolling his eyes, but then giving into a small chuckle.
We drove for about ten minutes without saying anything at all; simply listening to the great indie rock station, and feeling the wind in our hair. Finally, when he reached over to turn the station down, during a Regina Spektor song, did we finally talk. "So, how are you and Ash?"
He smiled, "I don't know..."
I laughed, "Isn't that something you should know?"
He nodded in agreement, "Probably. It's just that after the whole Manny thing... things didn't really go to well."
"That's to be expected," I said plainly.
"Yeah," he agreed. "Well, we broke up, then she and I did the whole music thing. I just don't know exactly where we stand right now."
"Do you want to be with her?"
"I really like her, and I love being around her," he paused, running one hand through his hair. "I just don't know if I want to be with her like that."
I nodded, understanding what he was saying completely, as I often felt the same way with Jay. "I know what you mean," I responded. "You don't want to lose her, so rather that telling her that you don't want her that way, you just leave it unsaid."
He nodded, "Exactly!" Then, laughing, he added, "Who would have thought that little Emma Nelson would have so much wisdom wrapped up in that pretty blond head."
"I'm not the same, 'little' Emma Nelson that you knew, Craig." I sighed, "I've changed a lot since we used to be friends."
He frowned, "What's up, Em?"
I turned to look out my side of the car, "I don't know. I mean, I'm just different..."
"Jay?"
I whipped around quickly, "Not you too!" I exclaimed.
"What?"
"Everyone thinks that all of my problems originate with Jay. He's just this scapegoat. It's ridiculous, noone wants to think that maybe I had issues before I met Jay."
He put one hand up in defense, the other one still on the wheel. "I'm not blaming him," he stated simply.
"Thank you."
"Who am I to blame him? I don't even know him that well." I nodded in agreement. "This isn't about him, Em. I'm asking about you. How are you?"
"I've been better. It just seems like all of a sudden any tough things that I've been through in my life are piling up on me, suffocating me. Before, I was able to brush it all off-- be tough Emma; but, after the shooting everything changed. Now, it's like everything I've been through is sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it," I ranted, then, after realizing who I was ranting to, I stopped.
"Have you thought to maybe talk to someone?" Craig asked.
"Not really," I replied honestly. "I mean, I talk to Jay...I don't know if that counts or not."
"It does," Craig replied. "He's someone. I mean, who do I have?"
I looked over to him, he looked almost as down as I probably did. "Joey?" I offered as an idea.
He chuckled a bit, " I can't."
"Why not?"
"He's already done enough for me. And I can't talk to Jimmy, because he has bigger problems. Marco's busy with Dylan. Ashley and I aren't that close. Spinner...is Spinner." He sighed, "I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, about darker stuff. Stuff that a lot of people don't get."
I frowned, "You mean like your dad?"
"Yeah."
"You can talk to me," I replied. Then, quickly added, "If you want."
He smiled, and then frowned slightly, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked, honestly not knowing what he was getting at.
"Ditching you..."
"Craig," I sighed, "It's honestly not that important right now."
"No," he replied forcefully, "it is. You were right. As soon as I found other good friends, and girls, we stopped talking. It was my fault, I left you, and I shouldn't have."
I sighed, "You know, I had such a crush on you."
He laughed, "When!"
"Grade eight...two years ago," I replied, shaking my head in embarrassment.
"Wow," he replied. "I didn't know. I mean, I kinda thought of you as a little sister, you know?"
"I know," I responded, chuckling a bit to myself.
"You don't...ummm..."
Sensing what he may have been getting at I quickly responded, 'No! I don't like you like that anymore."
He laughed, "I'm glad that we can hang out like this again; especially after everything."
I smiled, "Me too."
"So, you and Hoggart?"
I sighed playfully, "I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, we spend practically everyday together, and we've pretty much become best friends..."
"But?"
"But, I'm not sure where we go from here."
"From where?"
"Never mind," I replied quickly, not wanting to go into the dirty details.
"Would it have anything to do with what Alex was saying this morning?"
I sighed, "Sort of?" He looked over at me with eyebrows raised. "This stays between you and me, Manning, got it?" He nodded, so I continued, "Well, our relationship started out only sexual in nature. I mean, we weren't actually having sex, but close enough I guess. Then, we started to actually talk. A couple Emma Nelson break downs later, we were really close friends. Last night, we slept together. I mean, where do I go from there?"
"Wow," he dead panned.
"Yeah, I know."
"Well, do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend situation?"
"I don't think so," I replied honestly. "As disgusting as this may seem, he's more of an older brother figure to me. I mean, he is always there to help me when I'm breaking down; it's like he's always watching over me."
"So, what you're saying is you're into incest," he joked.
"Not funny!" I exclaimed.
"Sorry," he replied, turning his full attention back to the road. "So, you guys started out sexual, progressed to best friends, then in the heat of the moment went back to sexual; but, you generally don't feel the sexual attraction."
"Basically."
"Then, don't lead him on." Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he continued, "He needs to know that this isn't leading anywhere. If you string him along for too long, he'll just be even madder when he finds out."
I sighed, "If only there were no Sean..."
"Cameron!" Craig exclaimed. "You're still into him?"
I smiled, "Somehow."
He nodded, "Whatever floats your boat."
I laughed, "Craig?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for listening."
"Anytime, Emma Nelson, anytime."
We drove for another twenty minutes, discussing everything from Sean to the dance we had shared about ten years earlier. Eventually, we reached the front of my home.
"Thanks for the good time," I quipped, getting out of the car.
"You're completely welcome," he replied. "Oh, did I mention that I liked your sweater?"
I smiled, "No. My dad made it." He didn't question this, as I had mentioned earlier that I had went, with Jay, to visit my father.
He shot me one more smile, before driving off.
I turned my vision away from the now distant car, and started to walk towards the front door. I had planned to dodge straight down the stairs to avoid dinner; but, I was caught off-guard by my parents who were sitting on the couch with very un-welcoming scowls on their faces.
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