Chapter three (or part four)—Confessions and Confusion

Sirius breaks off there, just staring at me, and I...I'm blushing so much I think my face is about to catch fire. And that would just top it all off, right? Oh yes, I'm sure God would think it hilarious...I mean, it's not like there's enough wrong with me, Remus "The Gay Werewolf" Lupin...NO! Of course not! I know! Why not make my face spontaneously combust in front of Sirius?

Perfect. Just bloody perfect.

And now, Sirius appears to be frozen…which really shouldn't be happening, right? So I prod him, and all the words come out in one blob.

"MoonyI'mgayandiknowthat'sreallyrandombutProngssaidishouldtellyousohereitis," he said, then took a deep breath.

I'd caught those first few jumbled syllables, but I couldn't have heard him right…could I have? An overwhelming urge courses through my veins to dump the water pitcher over my head, or shake Sirius…and of course, there's the ever-present urge to kiss him.

He takes another deep breath, slowly, saying the same words I thought I herd, the words I'd been hoping to hear for forever…well, except maybe "I love you, Moony," but I'll take what I can get.

"Moony, I'm gay and I know that's really random but Prongs said I should tell you so here it is."

I smile at him, and there's this funny look in his eye when I do. I try to look calm, but because of his confession, my insides have turned to some sort of butterfly-jelly hybrid and my heart is beating a million miles a minute and my hands are shaking like mad.

But it's still a lot easier for me to confess the same thing to him.

Well, not easy, I bet Godric Gryffindor is rolling around in his grave about now, but I still manage to get it out.

There's this look on his face now. It's mostly just joy (though I cannot fathom why…maybe he's just happy to have a "gay guy friend," like b45

There's this look on his face now. It's mostly just joy (though I cannot fathom why), but there's also that mischievous smile that drives me insane, though he doesn't know it…and also…that kind of proud-but-slightly-miffed half-smirk he has whenever James is right about something.

He stares at me with this expression for a full minute, then, when I think he's about to so something, he runs out of the room, and whatever hope I had (though I don't know why I did) at that point pops like James' ego never will.

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"Prongs!" I call, hurtling down the stairs, I knock over several first years as I go down, but I barely notice. I see James in a corner of the common room, in the same armchair as Lily. "Prongs! Come with me!" I pull him off of her…they both look pretty mad, but then Lily smiles knowingly and James reluctantly untangles his hands from hers.

I drag him out of the common room and down the corridors. At one point, he trips, but I keep going.

"You prat! Just let me walk!" he calls. I pay him no mind.

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"So, Moony's a shirtlifter, too?" James says. I throw an éclair at him (the house elves gave us éclairs), and he catches it.

"If you want to put it that way, yes," I grumble.

"So…what now?" he asks.

I shrug. Truthfully, I'm scared to think about what'll happen next, if it doesn't work out.

"Well, you should make him jealous…just drive him to the breaking point."

"How can you be sure he even likes me in that way?"

He just smiles and keeps talking about jealousy, and driving Moony up the wall.

I stop him in the middle of his rant. "Prongs, I can't...I can't hurt Moony like that...if he really does like me it'll drive him crazy!"

"That's the whole point, you daft sod."

"But I can't! Don't you see, Prongs? Why would I want to do that to someone I love, no matter what I get in return..."

"Padfoot, trust me, here...just go up there, and start talking about how you think...Gideon Prewett is God's gift to sexiness."

I shake my head. "Not Prewett,"

"What about me?" he asks. Then we both shudder.

"Prongs, that is just wrong on SO many levels..."

He nods in agreement. Both of us are still slightly weirded out. "Frank?"

"Isn't he engaged?"

"Fine, then, don't lie to him...tell him...tell him you saw someone in the Great Hall, and you thought they were so beautiful, and does he know who the guys is?"

I shrug…I hate admitting any of Jamesiepoo's plans are any good…

"Honestly, Pads, what are you going to do when I'm not around?" Do you see why?

Then again, his last plan worked out just fine…I think.

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I'm still sitting on my bed when Sirius and James come back through the door an hour later. I spent most of the time helping Peter with his Transfiguration essay, but James pulls him away, leaving me alone with Sirius.

Once again, I get the feeling that he knows something I don't.

"Hey, Moony…I have a question...you see, there's this guy…I really like…but I don't really know who he is."

Great. Fantastic. I guess Sirius thinks that, since were both poofs now, I'll give him dating advice…of course, I actually will, I've never been able to deny him anything, but still…I'm not happy to do so. The tiny flame inside of me, burning SIRIUS LIKES ME! to the world extinguished.

Sirius went on and on, talking about this amazing mystery guy, and every word was like a knife in my heart. I really had no chance at all with him…

"And his eyes…they're like…well, maybe they're blue or something…"

He just kept going. I tried to tune it out, but couldn't bring myself to stop listening to the tones of his voice.

"his hair is like straw blowing in the wind. Except it's brown…at least I think it is…I kind of forgot."

I don't even think he realizes—or cares—that his words are tearing me up inside, but that's the last straw.

"Sirius! Stop, please! I don't want to hear any more!" I'm in tears at this point, and I can't stop them from falling, much like I can't stop myself from what I say next. "You don't even realize what you're doing to me, do you? You talk about this boy, who you barely know…I wish he knew who he was, because I'd really like to know how to capture your heart like that, how to make you act like you are now…Merlin, you don't even realize how badly I want that guy to be ME, do you?! You don't know that every time I look at you, it breaks my heart…or that you're the reason I'm gay at all…Sirius, you can't see that…that I fucking love you!" I clasp my hand over my mouth, and my eyes flicker over to him.

He's staring at me with that penetrating grey gaze…and he doesn't look as disgusted as I thought he would…

A/N—Okay, I have to end it there, I'm out of ideas again…plus, I'm reeeallly tired. I'm SORRY! I'm not really good at tense situations (in fact, I usually crack up when things get too serious), but I'm still kind of proud of this. I hope Remus cursing (out loud) wasn't too OOC, but that last bit didn't sound as good without it.

Random Factoid of the day: Sorry I'm really tired...all I found was the meaning behind "Pumpkin Pie"

Created by the fanfiction writer Cassandra Claire, "Pumpkin Pie" is the title of the relationship, or "ship" in fanfiction terminology, between Hermione Granger and Harry Potter. It is believed that this name arised from a story of Ms. Claire's, in which after kissing Harry Potter, Hermione thought that he tasted like pumpkin pie.

thank you, urbandictionary! It's one of those things that I don't really care about, but it would bother me FOREVER!

Two more chapters left, I think...