Chapter 10

The next week came fast although not fast enough for Steve.
The weekly check-ups had shown that the ankle bones weren't healing as fast as they should but the break below the knee was looking good and Steve really hoped the cast change was going to happen.

His hope was only half fulfilled.
He was given a different cast which only went up 3/4th of the way up the tibia but then a plaster splint was applied.
It could be removed during therapy but had to be put back on afterwards.
"And commander," the attending doctor said "I know you can't wait to get rid of all the stuff around your leg and start PT but I urge you not to take off the splint to do exercises on your own. The break below your knee looks good but is not completely healed yet and also your ankle is held together only by the plates and screws. Too much strain or wrong movements can still lead to a rebreak. The way it looks now we can talk about taking it off on your own – just to get if off for some time – in about two weeks. Training on your own probably in three to four – in consultation with the therapist and another check-up. But your therapist will talk to you about that in detail tomorrow when you start PT very lightly."
"What about the rest?" Steve asked already disappointed about the first part of the talk.
"Unfortunately, this will take even longer. The breaks are still not the way we want it. The healing is at least two weeks behind schedule. In a cautious forecast, I'd say that maybe in 4 to 5 weeks we can talk about a splint and therapy with minimal load on the foot."
"What?!" Steve burst out. "That's…that's another month! I…I…," he started with a desperate voice. Then he closed his eyes took a deep breath and said "okay…okay. Thanks doc."

"You want to talk about it?" Danny asked softly when they were back in the car.
"What is there to talk about?!" Steve asked angrily. "You've heard the doc. "Another month, Danny. I…I…never mind. I can't do anything about it anyway," he added in a defeated sounding voice.
"I know you had hoped for more. I am sorry, Steve," Danny replied, feeling with his friend.
"Not your fault."
"It's not yours either."
"It is."
Before Danny could ask what he meant by that, Steve continued! I knew my foot wasn't ready. I can feel that, you know – yet I had hoped for more. That's why I am even more disappointed than before. And angry – at myself for being so stupid."
"It's not stupid to have hope," Danny tried to comfort.
"It is – if it is false hope. And it was and I knew it. End of story.""
"Anything I can do to cheer you up?"
"No. Just drive home. I need a nap. Hop up, hop down, cast off, cast on. It was pretty exhausting. Getting a headache too. Hope everything will feel better after some sleep."
The rest of the way was spent in silence.
Steve went straight to bed Danny went outside making some calls.

"You better?" Danny asked when Steve joined him on the lanai two hours later.
"Physically? Yes. As best as it is possible. Emotionally? No.
Can…can we sit over there – where I can see the ocean?"
"Of course, we can."
As soon as they arrived at the place, Steve closed his eyes. He sat in silence for almost ten minutes, inhaling the smell of the salty sea, listening to the waves. Then suddenly out of the blue he said "I'm sorry, Danny."
"What for?" Danny was confused. He couldn't remember anything that was worth an apology.
"For earlier. That you had to listen to me – whining. I should be happy, that there still is something you can put a cast on. Instead, I'm drowning in self-pity that the cast isn't coming off like I had – against better judgement – hoped for."
"I know, I've told you to change your attitude, to fight again but that doesn't mean you haven't the right to be sad once in a while. Remember the words physician had said: there will be good days and bad days, so…"
"Yeah, during PT. I haven't even started yet."
"But you will tomorrow. It's going to be slight but it is a start and that means progress. I know you want more and I am sure you can in a few weeks. Yes, I know weeks sound like years for you but it just takes time. Just let me know when I can help you – with anything. I am here for you."
"I know. And I am thankful for that. Without you I would already be desperate."
He fell silent for a few seconds, then he added in a voice that broke Danny's heart "I just want to swim, Danny. Nothing more. Of all the things I can't do right now, swimming is what I miss the most."
"I know, Steve," Danny said, put his hand on Steve's neck and squeezed gently. "I know."

The therapist was gentle. He massaged a lot and made just tiny movements. Steve knew that it would hurt but he had also hoped for some relief when his leg – even if it was just a part of it – would come out of the cast but he hadn't expected this kind of pain.
He had tensed up when the therapist had touched his knee for the first time. It hadn't hurt at all though. It even felt kind of numb.
The slight massage had hurt but it was manageable, lifting the leg or trying to bend it for just a degree was a totally different story.
Lifting felt like thousands of glass shards were piercing through his whole leg. He was able to hold the cry in though.
The first attempt of bending was even worse and brought tears to his eyes. Steve felt like someone had put a spear into the sole of his foot and pushed it up to his hip. It was pure agony.
This time he did cry out, gripped his leg and arched of the massage bench with his good foot.
"Hey, easy commander," the therapist said. "If you fall, I can't catch you…what was this?"
"Hurts," was all Steve could say panting.
"Where?"
"Ev…everywhere."
"That wasn't supposed to be. Did tis hurt before? When you moved around or while I massaged it. If so, where did it hurt?"
"It did. Not like this though…top and right side of the knee – and thigh."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because it wasn't too bad."
"That why you tensed up?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Please commander, if anything hurts, tell me about it. It's important."
"'kay," Steve nodded.
"Then…let's try again."
The moment the therapist had finished the sentence, Steve tensed up again, his whole body was rigid, fingers of both hands gripping the edge of the massage bench.
"Relax, commander," the therapist said. "We'll start from the beginning – a slight massage. If it hurts, you'll tell me what hurts and far down or up the pain goes. Okay?"
Steve nodded again "Yeah, okay."
"Try to keep your muscles loose."
The therapist put his hand on Steve's thigh. He hadn't even started to massage but the touch was enough for Steve's muscles to tense up involuntarily once more.
"Okay, that doesn't work. How about you do some relaxing exercises for a few minutes? We'll try again after it. As a Navy SEAL I assume you know some. Think about it as a preparation for a combat situation. If you need help, I am here though.
"No. 's okay. I am good. I know enough about it."

"Okay. Let's start over," the therapist said after Steve had told him that he was ready.
"And remember what I've told you about the pain."
"I think I can manage," Steve answered.
"Commander McGarrett! This is not a SEAL training session or a mission, this is rehab after a severe injury. This is not about "standing it". You tell me exactly the moment when it hurts, where it hurts and how much it hurts. Are we clear?"
"Yes, sir!"