ah...the holidays. with the air so cold and the atmosphere so warm...

Kingdom Hearts is not mine. Clare & Bonné's, however, is.

(A Christmas Cliché)

III: to do or not to do -- you're screwed either way, anyway

- x -

Clare & Bonné's was a mix of Starbucks and Mcdonald's. That was the nearest thing I could use to describe the place where I worked. Sure it had the ambiance, but the atmosphere itself was one of cheeriness and casualness.

It was more crowded than ever, seeing that it was Christmas season, anyway. The owner had taken every liberty of decorating the café for the holidays. The large windows were framed with green boughs; random wreaths hung everywhere. Mistletoe hung from beams and more than a few kisses were stolen. Even the waiters were wearing Santa outfits.

I bit my lip, and looked out the window. People outside were bustling to and fro; lights were everywhere.

I never liked Christmas. It reminded me of something I could never have. All I could do was content myself with the material things I had made into a replacement for the absence of my family.

A soft and slow instrumental rendition of 'Jingle Bells' tinkled out from some unseen speaker. I fingered the green and red ribbon on the bouquet of pink roses I had just bought for Naminé. It was expected for the guy to bring flowers on a date, right? Even if the date was just a farce.

I didn't love Naminé; I didn't even remotely like her. We were acquaintances; that was the most I can truly say about us. I was only in this for the money. Besides, there were plenty of other men who were better suited for the flaxen-haired girl. She did say she was going to move back to her hometown right after Christmas break, right?

"Well, what time did you say to meet again?" Yuffie, one of my co-workers, chirped loudly, making every patron within earshot swivel their heads to look at me. All of them knew who I am and where I came from, and every single one was hoping that I would be happy, even for this one Christmas, at least.

"Seven-thirty," I mumbled dejectedly, blushing as I did. I didn't need to be happy on Christmas.

"She's bound to be here soon!" she exclaimed happily, her Santa hat set jauntily on her head. "It's already fifteen past seven and --- whoa."

"What!" I exclaimed, alarmed at the way she --- and all the males in the vicinity --- fell silent. I heard the bell attached to the door jingle as it shut closed.

"Is...is this Clare & Bonné's?" a hesitant voice with a distinct British accent asked.

"Ah!" I could hear Yuffie's voice echo throughout the café. "Roxie's right this way..."

I cringed; I hated that nickname. It made me sound like a girl. Heaving a sigh, I looked up to see what Yuffie was up to now. And when I saw Naminé, I gaped.

Her cheeks were flushed, and she was wearing a simple white thigh-length dress under a sky-blue cardigan. Similarly blue sandals adorned her feet, and simple pearl studs were attached to her ears. A thin mother-of-pearl bracelet encircled her wrist.

Now, she didn't look anymore different than usual, but somehow she carried herself differently. Her back was straighter, I noticed, and the small smile on her lips didn't seem to go away.

And I noticed, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, that it was the glow of a person who was in love. God, what had I gotten myself into?

"Hello," she said happily, the smell of vanilla lingering in the air.

"H-here," I stammered nervously, handing her the bouquet of roses, not making eye contact with her.

"Thank you, Roxas," Naminé glanced up at me, and the first full smile I have seen her give graced her pink lips.

Something told me that this was going to be a long evening.

- x -

"You're allergic to sunflowers?"

I nodded, embarassed to reveal such a weird trait. I have no idea why, but sunflowers make me go into anaphylactic shock, which was only supposed to happen when a bee stung you or something. Strange. "What about you, are you allergic to anything?"

Naminé laughed quietly, running her fingers over a rose. "You sound like my doctor," she said in her lilting voice, heavily tinged with British accent. "I'm allergic to dust bunnies, anything of that sort."

"You do have asthma," I pointed out.

She nodded to the table, and glanced up at me. "So I do. And so do you. I've had asthma since I was a child."

"Must be hard, right?"

She shook her head, and poked a finger another rose. "No...I wasn't really of an active child, if you could say that. I had no playmates, so I spent most of my time indoors, and I was safe from the usual exertion. Mother and Father weren't exactly the touchy...feely type, if you know what I mean."

I wanted so much to tell her I don't, seeing that I hardly knew my own parents, but I wisely decided against it and just nodded in reply.

We had finished the main courses, and, as usual, the food was great. Although the dressing of Naminé's salad suspiciously looked like a drizzled heart, and my steak had been cut into something that remotely resembled a heart, it went rather well. After this is over, I'll exact my revenge on the cook and the scheming staff of Clare and Bonné's.

Dessert was next, and we both ordered apple pie alà mode. We were now just waiting for it to arrive, and while we waited, I found out Naminé was a rather good conversationalist after all. Maybe the only reason why people spread the rumor around that she couldn't carry a conversation well was that they didn't like her accent.

"You know," she suddenly said, turning to look outside the window, "Sometimes, I dread Christmas. My parents shall force me to attend socials that I don't really want to be a part of. They'd leave me money in an envelope instead of giving me a gift...I mean, a wrapped one. It's just not the same...And for the past ten years, I haven't spent Christmas with the both of them present. It's always just me and my nana."

She paused, and frowned. "I'm sorry for rambling, Roxas."

I opened my mouth to answer, but she cut me off.

"...I'll just go use the washroom," Naminé stood up, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "I'll be back soon."

And before I could even reply, she had disappeared into the café crowd.

I stared at her iced coffee absentmindedly, wondering which was worse: spending Christmas alone because your parents are dead, or spending Christmas alone because your parents would rather be somewhere else?

Beads of water condensed on the side of her tall glass.

And another opportunity hit me right between the eyes. I hurriedly plunged my hand into my pocket and took out a small pill, wrapped in a miniscule plastic bag.

It was a very potent sleeping pill; one that I had picked up from the local drugstore a few months earlier. Normally, it wasn't available to the general public, but I had connections. The drinker was guaranteed to have a sound night's sleep. I decided it would be enough. Once she passes out, I'd volunteer to take her home. Then I'd just prop Naminé up the wall and start kissing the living daylights out of her. Hopefully, it'd be enough to fool Riku.

I swallowed and looked around; everyone else was occupied with something. This was the right moment to move and slip in the pill.

My conscience, however, was not allowing me to do it so easily. I bit my lip and my conscience waged mental war as I broke the pill open.

Don't do this.

I need the money.

Can you live with the guilt?

Yes, I can do anything if I try to. I am BHK, right? I can do anything!

As Tidus said, you don't have to be BHK all the time, Roxas...

One of the patrons suddenly gave a loud laugh, and without thinking, I dumped the white powder inside the pill into Naminé's glass. The powder dissolved almost immediately.

I can't do this!

Panicking, I reached for the glass, but at that exact moment, Naminé's voice caught me off-guard. "I'm back," she announced in her lilt, sliding into the booth across me. "What're you doing?" she asked, eyeing my hand, which was frozen around her iced coffee.

"I was going to stir your coffee...It was...well, it was getting watery," I finished lamely.

"That's nice of you," she said, stirring the iced cofee herself with her straw. "Thank you for being so nice to me..." She trailed off, bringing the white tube of plastic up to her lips and preparing to take a sip---

"Heya!" Yuffie chirped once more, and thankfully, Naminé jerked backwards in surprise. "Here's your slices of pie!" she set down two plates of, as promised, golden-brown apple pie with a large scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.

"Thank you," Naminé's face lit up with a smile. "I'm sure we're going to enjoy these."

"You'd better," the ebony-haired girl said through mock-gritted teeth, before bursting into giggles and disappearing into the general direction of the counter. I stared after her, an unwilling smile working itelf onto my lips. Yuffie can sure defuse a tense situation sometimes.

I turned back to Naminé.

"No!" I yelled, making her freeze in the act of drinking from her iced coffee. Tainted iced coffee.

She blinked, and set down her glass, much to my relief. "What's the matter, Roxas?"

I grabbed the glass from the table in front of her and dumped its contents into the nearest potted plant ---which, fortunately, was just by our seats. Unfortunately, it was a poinsettia plant, and it was at the peak of blooming. No matter. Plants can be replaced. Naminé's trust in me cannot.

I set the glass down heavily on the table, and raised my eyes to find the sight of a bewildered Naminé staring at me. I guess I could make up some absurd explanation about how caffeine is supposed to build up a plant's growth or something, but those explanations worked only in books and dreams. This was real life, and more importantly, this was my life.

"Roxas, what...?"

"Naminé," I licked my dry lips, staring at the apple pie in front of her, instead of directly at her. "I can't take this anymore. I just can't..."

"Roxas..."

"This was all just a dare, Naminé," I ground out, squeezing my eyes shut. "I was dared, for money, to take you to second base and to record it all. It had to happen before Christmas, or I lose. This was the reason I wanted to get close to you all of a sudden. I slipped a sleeping pill into your iced coffee so that it would be easier."

"I just..." When I opened my eyes once more, they were watering already. I didn't dare to look at her straight in the face. "I didn't want to do it anymore. I don't want to go through with this act anymore. I don't want to ruin your trust in me..." I laughed hollowly, "But it seems like I already did. I don't love you, Naminé, I don't even like you, and it seems that I never will."

"Oh." I looked up. Apparently, she was staring at her apple pie too, while I went through my confession. Naminé glanced upwards and met my eye. She blinked twice. "Okay."

I stared at her disbelievingly. That was what she was just going to say? What the hell? Was that what she meant by 'taking everything in stride'? Was she really that much of a saint?

She stared back at me, and something that dangerously looked like hope shimmered in her cerulean blue eyes. "But we still can start over, right?"

"No," I spat, furious with her reaction for a reason I don't really know why. "We can't."

A small 'oh' escaped from her lips, and she took her fork and started slicing through the apple pie. She continued as if nothing had happened. "Well?" she looked up, and cocked her head to the side. "The ice cream is going to melt, and liquid ice cream isn't exactly pleasant."

Gritting my teeth, I got to my feet. I expected a reaction out of her, but not like this. She was supposed to get angry at me and everything, even say that she was never going to speak to me ever again. Not...not just sit there and calmly finish dessert like nothing had happened.

"I guess," she paused, chewing thoughtfully without looking up from the table. "I'll see you around, then?"

Breathing heavily, I stepped out from behind the booth and walked away without a word.

I could feel the gaze of the patrons burning into my back as I passed, but I didn't care. All I knew was that I had to get out of the café and fast. I wrenched the door open violently and stepped out into the frigid evening air, hating her and myself and this day for turning out to be so rotten. As soon as the night air surged through my nostrils I started to wheeze uncontrollably. I took out my inhaler with trembling fingers and breathed in the medicated spray.

As I went on home, I took one last glance at Naminé through the tinsel-framed window of Clare and Bonné's. The only indication that something had happened was the single tear tracing its path down her cheek.

'Jingle Bells' continued to play out on the sidewalk.

- x -

Life is an irony sometimes. Maybe Fate decided that she'd just play darts instead of paying attention to our lives, and somebody'll end up with a day to end all rotten days. I decided that, as of this moment, that somebody was me.

I didn't sleep a wink last night; all I could think of was the solitary tear Naminé had shed when I looked back at her when I left. Incredible guilt was the feeling that haunted me when I walked the pathways of the university. The crisp morning air didn't give my eyelids a chance to droop closed --- and if it didn't, my conscience was the one that did not let me rest.

I cut across the grass to reach our building, wondering how'd I survive today. I suspected that my Math professor, being the evil creature that she was, would spring a surprise exam on us as a Christmas present. And given teachers' uncanny ability to give exams on the same day without even knowing, I knew I was in for one hell of a day.

Walking past the double doors and past the Santa-suited security guard, I traipsed to my first class, Java Programming II. It was one hell of a hard class, and now that Christmas vacation was fast approaching, my professor was cramming as much as he could into the two days left before term was adjourned. My head was starting to hurt when I thought about it...in fact, my mind was so much on the bet the past days that I hadn't really had enough time to think about anything else.

And with the bet, came the thought of a particular flaxen-haired girl.

Even though there was no love lost between Naminé and I, I had insulted her as a human being by playing with her feelings. I still had a heart, after all, and now I was at a loss at how to make it up to her.

"Oh, Roxas!"

I raised my eyes from the tiled floors, and blinked twice in rapid succession. Speak of the ---

"Good morning," Naminé said in her usual quiet British accent, but with more of a tinge of sadness, rather than happiness.

"I, uh, uhm--" I stammered, but by the time I found my voice, she had already gone halfway past me down the hallway.

I stared at her retreating fugure as she walked down the empty hallway, alone with her black mary-janes clicking rhythm into the floor, walking away from me. And for some unknown reason, it hurt.

- x -

One would never have thought that the simple act of sitting down at a table could elicit so many varied responses. But when I sat down at our usual table, with my usual lunch consisting of a burger and a can of Coke, my friends did just that.

Kairi and Selphie exchanged one of those glances that females were famous for: a gigabyte's worth of information could be passed along with just one well-timed look. Sora looked bewildered, alternating a stare between me and Riku. Tidus was poking a chopstick at his teriyaki with a miserably-hid smile.

I popped my Coke open and took a long swig, before turning into Riku's direction across the table and sighing. "Riku..." I paused, staring dejectedly at the table. The trouble me and my big ego got into. "The deal's over; I lost."

The smirk that appeared on the silver-haired teen's face was enough to be considered illegal. It was a smug, happy, condenscending and triumphant grin all rolled into one facial expression. And it suited Riku perfectly.

"Ah, you can keep the money," I pressed on, running a hand through my hair and trying to redeem myself. "I'll just have to work overtime at the café, that's all..."

Sora made a noise that was a cross between a dry sob and a laugh, cleary torn between feeling sorry for me and going into one of his I-told-you-so moments. The girls smiled their hateful secret smile, and Tidus just continued stabbing at the meat in his bowl, albeit with a larger smile, almost a grin, on his face.

Riku smirked once more. "Ahah," he laughed. "I told you you couldn't..."

His smirk faded away when I raised my head once more to face him; the expression on my face was probably more than enough to shut him up. He fell silent, biting his lip and staring into his salad instead.

I sighed, and started tracing the rim of my Coke can absentmindedly. I did not miss any of the sympathetic looks Kairi shot my way; I felt that I really needed them.

- x -

I found myself waiting outside her Theatre Arts class. I had cut my Literature class just to be able to get there before the dismissal bell rung. I had no idea why, but cutting class felt trivial when compared to restoring her trust in me.

I shifted uneasily from one foot to another, and avoided eye contact with the students walking by. As quickly as the news had spread that Naminé and I were an item, the rumor that we had broken up spread like wildfire. Of course, to me, the flaxen-haired girl had been nothing but a means to achieve an end...but to my relief, nobody knew the truth that I had just courted Naminé on a dare. Probably she, being the saint that she is, decided not to tell, in favor of my reputation.

And somehow it even made me more uncomfortable.

Both doors of the mock-theatre swung outwards, and students filed out in droves. Apparently, the professor had taught his combined classes together today.

I stood in the middle of the two doors, glancing every now and then between them to catch a glimpse of pale blonde hair. A few minutes later, I saw Naminé's pale form emerge from the crowd, the sketchpad clutched customarily to her chest.

She looked around, and I met her gaze.

Honestly, she looked surprised to see me.

"Hello," she said softly, barely enough to carry over the chatter of the crowd, but I heard it as if she was standing next to my ear and screaming.

Once again I froze, unable to think of anything coherent to say.

"Well, I guess you're waiting for somebody else," Naminé stuck out her lower lip slightly, and she tightened the grip on her sketchbook. "B'bye then."

I just watched her walk away from me. For the second time in this day. God, I have to stop doing that. I wanted so much to run in her footsteps and yell that I was waiting for her, but my feet felt rooted to the ground. All I really wanted...no, needed to do was just the ability to be able to greet her back.

- x -

guilt hurts, kiddies.

nyeee.

read i'll get back to you.

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