Christmas is near...or Kwanzaa, depending on where you are. Hanukkah too.

It's a season of celebration in general.

Kingdom Hearts...I wish I could get this for the holidays.

(A Christmas Cliché)

IV: i can't smile without you

- x -

Today was the last day of classes before term ended and Christmas vacation began. My professors had, in fact, suddenly caught a bad case of Christmas cheer; as soon as they entered the classroom, they'd give us a problem set and then dismiss the class. I think I preferred whole-day discussion with no homework rather than no classes with an overload of homework.

So here I was, walking along the university's streets, with my hands shoved into my pockets and my gaze to the overcast sky.

I haven't seen her today.

She's started avoiding me. That was the natural thing I had expected her to do, but why did it make me feel like my heart's suddenly skipping a beat or two? Was this what guilt felt like when it gnaws you slowly away?

Argh. It's my fault, anyway, so it's right to just leave it be.

I turned around a corner and into the largest university cafeteria, and my eyes automatically strayed to one particular table under silver tinsel. I could almost see her pale form, with her cerulean blue eyes staring out the window and the pencil poised on the paper. Almost.

I blinked, and suddenly remembered I still had the drawing she gave me. Half-jogging to our usual table, I propped my bag up with one knee and started feeling around the bottom.

"Roxas, wha---" Sora started, looking up from his carbonara, but he stopped short and watched me interestedly instead.

My fingers brushed against a concertina-folded piece of paper, and I gingerly pulled it out, my heartbeat racing along with illegal speed.

It was an advertisement for an upcoming garage sale in one of the other departments. I groaned in dismay, balled it up and chucked it right into the middle of our lunch table, narrowly missing Riku's customary salad.

"What's up with you?" the silver-haired teen narrowed both aquamarine eyes, and I matched him stare for stare, before starting to rummage through my bag again.

"I'm looking for something," I snapped, gritting my teeth, "Isn't it obvious?"

He snorted derisively, picked up his own bag, and took out a brown-wrapped rectangular piece of something. I blinked, uncomfortable with the fact that it was somehow the same size as Naminé's drawing. He handed it to me, and I took it with numb fingers.

"I was going to use it as blackmail," Riku was saying softly as I slowly unwrapped the package. My breath hitched; it was Naminé's drawing! He had even framed it! "But seeing that it's no longer needed...well, you can keep it..."

I stared at him, and tilted my head in an unspoken question.

"And yeah," he bit his lip, and guilt flashed across his eyes, "You know that day in the pool? While you were waiting for us to finish blitz practice? When I hollered I needed a pen to kill Sora?"

"Leave me out of this!" the brunet said indignantly, but Riku pressed on. "You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn't notice me come out of the water and actually get a pen from your bag, you know, so I can scare him," he jabbed a finger in Sora's direction, "But while I was rummaging through your bag I came across that. And so I thought, well, I could use it as blackmail when I needed to..." he trailed off.

I bowed my head and slid my fingers across the glass, noticing that the paper still bore the marks of having been crumpled unmercifully. "She draws so well..." I whispered, tracing the charcoal lines.

I felt five pairs of eyes burning into the top of my head, and I lifted my gaze to catch all of them staring at me with unreadable expressions on their faces. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks when I realized what they were probably thinking right now. "I don't like her!" I said hotly, pushing the framed picture into my bag and sitting down between Kairi and Tidus. "It's just that...I feel guilty, okay!"

"Dude," Tidus cracked a smile, "You don't have to be so defensive."

I picked up Riku's fork and tried to stab Tidus with it. He dodged, and Riku wrenched his fork back.

"Oh yeah," I glanced at the silver-haired boy before taking out my wallet from my back pocket. I flipped it open, and took out my skateboarding winnings, which I haven't removed from my wallet ever since I had won. I handed the rather thick wad of money to Riku. "You won, right?" I miraculously managed to keep my voice even. "Here's your winnings."

He stared at me for a good fifteen seconds before taking the money and pocketing it.

Kairi and Selphie simultaneously shot Riku a glare.

"Come off it, guys," I told them resignedly, getting to my feet. "He won fair and square. And now if you'll excuse me," I swallowed, and stole a glance at the table where Naminé usually sat, "I'm going to buy lunch."

- x -

I think I'm going crazy.

Today, every single time I turned around a corner, I was expecting to see Naminé. Even a sliver of pale skin and flaxen hair. Even to just catch a glimpse of her in the crowd.

I. Needed. To. See. Her.

And apologize. Just apologize.

Heck, I didn't even like her. It was just that, the guilt had my life in a chokehold and would not let go.

Now I'm walking home, feeling dejected and with my conscience jabbering away in my head. I stared up into the sunset sky, wondering if she'd ever forgive me, if I didn't even ask for forgiveness yet.

People around me were laughing and joking and generally having a good time. Classes were officially dismissed for Christmas vacation, and the univeristy's streets were crowded with students, even professors, who were going out to celebrate.

I wonder if she was celebrating too...

An idea suddenly hit me, and I heaved my backpack over my shoulder and sprinted to the Registrar's Office, not caring if the frigid night air was turning my nose blue with coldness. I skidded to a stop in front of their double doors, dug out my I.D and showed it to the Santa-suited security guard, and sprinted inside, to the nearest counter.

"May I," I paused, struggling to catch my breath. The personnel, a young woman with ebony-black hair and equally black eyes, with the nameplate announcing to the world that she was 'Tifa', smiled bemusedly from behind the glass. I took a deep breath. "May I please have access to the student directory?"

"Are you a student?" She asked.

I flashed my I.D. in front of her face.

"Are you a stalker?" she pressed on, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

I shot her an indignant glare. 'Tifa' beamed, cradled her chin in one cupped hand, and leant down on the counter.

"Are you a lovesick stalker who doesn't want the girl's Christmas to be ruined?"

I groaned, and resisted the urge to punch the glass and earn myself probation. "Can you please give me access to the student directory?"

She smiled sweetly, apparently taking delight in seeing me get all flustered. She turned away from the glass and bent down in front of the nearest computer, and tapped a few keys. Tilting her head thoughtfully, she straightened up and walked back.

I blinked. "Wait, you haven't even asked for --- "

"Ivalice lives at #813 Crystal Street, Aurora Circle, Twilight Heights Subdivision," she rattled off without missing a beat.

I gaped at her, as she slid a slip of paper with said address under the glass. "How'd you---"

"Hey, I do keep up with the news, kid," Tifa grinned, tapping her fingers against the glass to the beat of Jingle Bells. "Now shoo; if you run, you'll be there in less than thirty minutes."

Picking up the slip of paper and rereading it again, I muttered a hurried 'Thank you' before spinning on my heels and sprinting in the general direction of the subdivision. From what I heard in the streets, Twilight Heights was one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in town, and the people there were either really rich, or had really good connections. I knew Riku's family had a home there, so it must be really high-end.

Two harried guards, fifty paragraphs of directions, three wrong turns, four sessions with my inhaler, and twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of one of the grandest mansions I have ever seen in my life. The impressive façade was painted entirely in white, with a few touches of gilt and silver. Massive lawns, perfectly manicured, were spread around. They even had a driveway to rival a four-way intersection in the city.

I swallowed nervously, gingerly stepping up to the white marble porch and pressing a hooded button, which I assumed was the doorbell.

A few seconds later, one of the massive doors creaked open, and a girl, no older than me, clothed in a traditional maid outfit and clutching a book, peeked out. She blinked when she saw me, and opened the door completely. "Good evening," she greeted, with the same British accent Naminé had.

"Uh," I shuffled my feet, and fingered the slip of papar in my pocket. "Can I please talk to Naminé?"

An unreadable expression crossed her face at the sound of the flaxen-haired girl's name, and she averted her gaze. "Miss Naminé is..." she looked over her shoulder, "...not here, Sir...?"

"Roxas," I answered hastily. "Roxas Hikari."

"Sir Roxas," she tugged subconsciously at the hem of her skirt. "I am sorry, but I don't know when Miss Naminé would be coming back---" She blinked, and her sentence sounded like she cut it off on purpose; like she had something else to say but couldn't. Naminé had probably told her not to tell anyone she was inside the house.

If that was Naminé's decision, I respected it completely. "Well...if she does come back, would you please tell her to call me? I gave her my number a while back," I told the now-nervously fidgeting girl. She was clearly uncomfortable with lying. "Thanks."

"As you wish," she bowed quickly, almost too quickly. I took this as a sign that I was to leave at that moment.

I didn't miss the small, pitying smile on her face when I looked back, just before she closed the door.

- x -

"Oh, here's Hayner," Yuffie chirped, catching the Santa hat I tossed her and passing it on to the new arrival. "You can go, Roxie..."

"I'm already going," I reminded her, giving my replacement, Hayner, a friendly punch on the shoulder as I passed him. He smacked me back, and I grinned at him. "I'll be back tomorrow!"

A chorus of goodbyes, from both patrons and staff, answered back, and I raised a hand in goodbye. I pushed the door open and stepped out into the cool night, rubbing my hands slightly to keep them warm. 'Jingle Bells' was still playing out of the speaker outside. I really had to talk to Yuffie about changing the song.

I had started walking when a warm hand clapped onto my shoulder, and instinctively, I shoved my hand in my pocket and brought out the Swiss knife I always carried around in case I get assaulted or something.

Riku stared back at me with a deer-in-headlights expression on his face. He was hardly breathing.

"I thought you were somebody else," I said sheepishly, snapping the knife back into its holder and sliding it back into my pocket. Riku fell into step beside me as I started walking once more.

"So...Roxas..." he hesitated for a split second, and took out his wallet. I stared at him as he took out the same wad of money I had given him earlier. "I..."

"Dude," I said disbelievingly. "Keep it. You won."

He shook his head, and blew a stray hair out of his face. "Nah. It's Christmas and all, Rox, I don't want to make it any more sadder than it has to be."

A very uncomfortable pause, but I knew Riku meant well by what he had said. My circle of friends knew even if I always kept on a smile during the holidays, deep down, I was crying because of loneliness.

He suddenly shoved the money into my hands, whirled around, and sprinted away, before I could even react. All I could do was stare after him as he disappeared into the crowd.

Shaking my head, I unfurled the wad of cash, only to notice that there was another folded piece of paper tucked inside. I tucked the rest of the money inside my wallet and slid it into my pocket, before curiously unfolding the paper.

It was a check. That technically contained an amount that was equal to four times my skateboard winnings.

Riku was insane. That I knew. I turned my head again to stare at where the silver-haired teen had disappeared, wondering what had gotten into his head. Maybe he had caught the virus that was called 'Christmas Cheer' in these parts.

Whatever it was, however, I was grateful.

- x -

I found out that the money I had now was enough to buy the apartment and have even more left over. I took some of the excess and deposited it in the bank, while the rest, I allotted for gifts. It was Christmas season, after all.

In the past few days, between shifts at the café and running errands, I trekked across the town, trying to find suitable gifts for my friends. I berated myself for not going gift-shopping earlier; the volume of people were greater, and the prices were higher. However, I managed to snag Sora one of those keychains he was going on and on about, nonstop -- I got him a onyx crown-shaped one. I bought Kairi one, too, a rather slinky-looking design with an angel's wing and something that looked like a cross.

For Selphie I got her a box of gourmet mint chocolate; she was addicted to sugar. But thinking of the sugar rush and the hyperness she would exude right after eating it, Tidus would probably kill me. I think he and the brunette like each other. In more ways than one.

Speaking of Tidus, I bought him a new pair of swimming trunks and goggles; he loved to swim --- that's why he's the blitzball team captain, after all. I took particular care in picking out his goggles; I still haven't forgotten what he had told me in the pool the other day.

And lastly, but definitely not the least, I planned to give Riku...actually, I had no idea what to give him yet.

Which was why I was here, walking the streets, trying to find a suitable gift for the silver-haired teen. What do you give the person who has everything? I groaned, and pulled my jacket closer around my body. Riku was the hardest, so far, to get a gift for.

I blinked, and backtracked a few steps. I was now standing in front of a jewelry store, and it suddenly hit me that I could just get Riku a cool necklace or something like that and just get on with my life.

I walked inside, and I immediately noticed that it was playing the same 'Jingle Bells' at Clare and Bonné's. A few customers, all of them in pairs, were hovering over the display cases and pointing at random pieces of jewelry. Frowning, I took a look around and stopped at the earrings section. Riku did have pierced ears, but he always wore the same diamiond stud every single day.

Yes! I had the solution...One of the clerks came over to me and just sort of...stood by me. I glanced up into her nameplate, and I gaped at her.

"Hi," Tifa greeted, putting a hand on her hips. "See anything you like?"

I started wheezing uncontrollably in shock, and I had to fumble around my pocket for my inhaler and inhale two puffs before I could reply. "You scared me," I said in a low voice. "You work here?"

"What does it look like?" she said in that same bemused tone, twirling one of the display stands around.

I rolled my eyes, and pointed at one of the pairs of earrings. This one was silver, and was in the shape of an stylized heart. Perfect for someone like Riku; bold yet understated at the same time. He could be mistaken for a girl, anyway. "I'll take that," I murmured, fighting the urge to grimace at the price.

"Nice choice," she said dryly, going behind the counter and picking out the earrings. She carefully placed them into a box and tied it methodically with silver ribbon.

I was reaching for my wallet when another piece of jewelry caught my eye. It was a ring, rather. A clear cerulean blue crystal was set on a circle of silver. It reminded me, curiously, of Naminé's eyes...

Wait. Was I supposed to give her a gift, too? My conscience was telling me to go ahead and give her one, but my common sense was telling me that she probably hated me now and would rather never see me again.

I took out my wallet and counted the money out. I had exactly enough only for Riku's earring. Even if I had the money, no matter, I thought, shrugging off the mental war my conscience was waging once again. Naminé and I were only acquaintances, after all. I was under no obligation to give her anything.

"Ah," Tifa broke through my reverie, smiling mischieviously as she leant on the display case, a finger pointing directly down at the ring I had been looking at. "That is part of a set. It's called an eternity ring," she explained. "You know, like a high-end friendship ring. It's supposed to be a pair, but somebody bought only one of the rings. One of the other employees mistakenly sold it as a single item."

"Oh," was all that I could manage to say. The ring was beautiful.

"You want to take it too?"

I shook my head, staring down moodily at my money. "Aside from the fact that I don't have enough money, I don't have anyone to give it to. I don't wear jewelry."

She laughed, bent down, took the ring and mounted it inside a small velvet box. She snapped it closed, dropped it into the paper bag where she had placed Riku's gift, and pushed it across the glass in my direction.

"I told you, I don't have enough mo--"

Tifa wagged a finger in front of my nose, and the mischievous smile was back. "These are on the house. Think of it as a Christmas present."

I gaped at her once more, and shot her a scandalized look. "You can't do that! Your boss might fire you!"

She tapped my nose with her finger. "Roxas, I own this place."

"Oh." Once again, that was all I could say. "But why...?"

Her smile softened, and she straightened up. "I knew your parents, Roxas. We were next-door neighbors before they passed away. I knew you'd eventually forget me, but..." she cocked her head in the direction of the paper bag, "I wanted to pass on the goodness they showered me with onto you."

"T-thanks," I managed to stammer.

She winked at me before turning to help another customer.

- x -

Once again, my feet were betraying me.

I swear, I was just walking around town, seeing the sight our town was at night, when I suddenly found myself standing in front of the Ivalice mansion...just like the past five days.

Okay, so it probably wasn't solely my feet's fault.

I bit my lip, staring up into their mansion, studying the white curtains fluttering inside the windows. Over the past days someone had gradually been decorating this place --- boughs of holly were spread on the panels, Christmas trees were spread equally over the lawn, and wreaths decorated the front door and every window. Christmas lights were strung artistically across the walls, twinkling sporadically.

But no matter how they decorated this place, I still felt a strange air of melancholy. Maybe because there were so few people around. The maid greeted me every day with what obviously was a plastic smile plastered to her face. It never reached her eyes, so to speak.

I stared absentmindedly at their front door.

I almost fell backwards on the pavement when it swung open, revealing a very harried man in a business suit. He had rather windswept blonde hair streaked with white, and wrinkles lined the edges of his contrasting baby-blue eyes. He was obviously going through a hard time, judging from the way he carried himself.

He turned around, and caught my eye. I froze in place; I couldn't tear away my eyes from his.

"Who are you, and what is your business here?" he demanded, his voice authoritative and made even more intimidating by his British accent.

I swallowed nervously, and started fiddling with the strap of my backpack. "I...I...Roxas Hikari, sir."

His eyes narrowed.

I felt my knees start to shake. "I, I mean, uh, I just want to..." I stammered, inwardly cursing my inability to speak coherent sentences when extremely nervous. Gritting my teeth, I took a deep breath and let it all go. "I just wanted to wish your daughter a Merry Christmas, sir."

He turned back to face the door, and I recognized the maid whom I always met these past few days. Walking closer to the girl, he leant out of view, as if talking to her. He probably was; the maid was probably telling him how much of a stalker I was being. Which was partly true.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves.

"Roxas, was it?" his voice suddenly called my name, and I raised my gaze to meet his. I nodded, and he went on. "Ah. Naminé speaks much of you."

She did? I wanted to voice out that question, but it felt really out of place. I remained silent and nodded numbly instead.

"Come," he gestured with a free hand, as he started walking back to their gate. "Get inside the limousine," he instructed me, pointing to a sleek, long car parked just beyond the metal grilles of their fence.

Licking my suddenly-dry lips, I did as he said, noting that right after the maid had spoken to him, his tone had been considerably softer.

- x -

"So. Do you have anything else to say?"

I bit my lip and stared at my hands, unwilling to meet Naminé's father's gaze. Dr. Alexander Ivalice had interrogated me as much as a father could possibly do. He had asked me what I thought of his daughter, what my intentions were, what my past was, how old I was, what degree I was taking up, and so on and so forth. The list was too long to enumerate. I had tried using the skater-boy attitude earlier, but his questions sapped my strength away effortlessly.

I had no idea where he was taking me, nor did I have any idea how we were getting there; the limousine driver was driving much too fast for me to discern any road signs. Besides, with the questions Dr. Ivalice was firing at me, it was rather hard to concentrate on anything else.

"Roxas..."

"Uh..." I paused, trying to stall. I then decided that it didn't work. He hadn't brought up the subject of the dare yet.

All I could tell, by the way that he questioned me, that he thought I was one -- 'the only close friend', as he had put it -- of Naminé's friends, nothing more. Of course, it looked suspicious that I had been visiting her home for almost a week straight, without fail.

But I had the nagging feeling that he knew.

"Listen, Dr. Ivalice..." I started, biting my lip in anxiety. "Yes. I have something else to say..."

And I told him.

Honestly, I expected him to hit me or something, and for the first few seconds after my confession, I really thought he would. All he did, however, was heave a relieved sigh.

"We're here, Reno," he told the limousine driver. He turned to me, and, for the first time since I had met him, broke into a smile, a slight upward curve of the lips. Not a smile of pure joy, but an affectionate one nonetheless. It was one that a father would give, and my throat choked up with the thought. "I'm glad you told me...I'm glad that Naminé had found someone like you."

The door on my side opened. I cringed as guilt washed over me.

"She...my daughter has had a fondness for fountains, Roxas," he said in a strangely distant voice. "I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you."

"I, uh, thanks," I managed to choke out, before stumbling out of the limousine and out into the frigid night. His limousine driver, Reno, I presume, smiled shortly before getting back into the car. I waited until they drove away, and my breath hitched when I saw where I was.

Twilight Park was one of the main attractions of this town. I had been to this park once -- actually, slept on one of the benches -- and that experience emptied me of all the urge to visit it once again. I was fifteen back then, and I was surprised at how much could change after three years.

The silhouettes of trees were sparkling with miniscule teardrop lights. The wooden benches had been refinished, and the steel armrests repainted black. The park itself had undergone drastic relandscaping. In fact, the only thing that hadn't changed, in my eyes, was the fountain.

With geysers of water spouting fifteen feet high, and halogen lighting under the fountain's pool, it was one of the defining attractions of our town. Now that it was Christmas season, the lights that illuminated the jets of water were tinged with silver and gold.

And a figure was sitting on the pebbled rim of the pool. My breath hitched as I realized what Dr. Ivalice was referring to. I shoved my hands in my pocket and cut across the pavement, walking towards Naminé. Half of her body was twisted towards the fountain, and she appeared to be playing with the water.

She must have heard my footsteps, for she looked over her shoulder. Cerulean blue eyes shimmered brightly in her face, and the evening breeze picked up strands of flaxen hair and drew them over her shoulder.

"Hey," I said, at a loss of anything else to say.

She smiled her familiar half-smile. "Hello, Roxas. It may not look like it, but I'm surprised that you're here."

"Your father," I blurted out. "He...well, I was, I..."

"You're stammering again," Naminé said quietly, turning to fully face me and folding her hands on her lap. "You have no reason to be nervous around me. Father may be quite surprising, but he means well."

"Oh." I gingerly stepped over and sat down beside her, the stone feeling cool against my hands.

"But..." she looked at me. "How did you meet Daddy?"

I was surprised at the sudden change in term of endearment, but I let it slide and instead returned her gaze. "Well, I guess you could call it stalking...I wanted to apologize, you know. But for the past week, everytime I went to your home, you weren't there. And earlier, well...your dad caught me."

"I'm sorry I wasn't at home," she interrupted, looking away.

"Why---" I cut myself off, seeing the uncomfortable look on her face. I sensed this wasn't the right time to ask her wherever she was this past week. "Scratch that. Listen, Naminé, now that I finally caught you---"

"Caught me?" she asked bemusedly.

I groaned, and ran a hand through my hair. "Now that I finally caught up with you, I want to say that I'm sorry for being such a stupid idiot."

"Stupid idiot is redundant," Naminé pointed out.

"I know. That's how stupid I am."

She laughed quietly, and drew her cardigan --- which I noticed, was the same one that she had worn on our 'date' --- tighter around her. "Don't worry about it, Roxas. I've forgiven you already."

I stared at her. For the first time, really took in her appearance. She was paler than ever, with haunting cerulean eyes, bleached flaxen hair, and pale-pink lips. Her lithe fingers, the ones that could draw so well, were laced primly on her lap. She had on the cardigan over a sort of loose white dress that billowed around her calves, and blue sandals were shod on her feet. The longer I stared at her, I noticed, the pinker her cheeks turned.

"Ah," I mentally kicked myself, tearing my gaze away. I didn't think that she'd be uncomfortable. "Sorry."

"It's okay," her British accent was hardly distinguishable, since her voice was so quiet.

Pregnant silence hung between us, while I racked my brain for something to say.

"You may go now," her words suddenly cut into the night air with a knife, and the matter-of-fact tone she took on was disturbing. I stared at her, and she stared back at me, before lowering her eyes.

"What?" I asked, feeling immensely bewildered. "Why?"

"You've already done what you came for, right?" she said, looking up blankly in front of her.

Her words rang true in my head. Technically, I was free to go, since I had already apologized to her. I could just go and find a bus and leave her alone on this frigid December 20th. After all, she and I were mere acquaintances, right?

I bit my lip. Did she really think I was that heartless?

"Ah, don't worry." She smiled, but this curve of lips was notably a bitter one. "I'm used to being alone."

"Naminé," I started slowly, feeling my heart sink as she continued staring out into the night. "Tell me the truth. Do you hate me?"

She bowed her head, and clutched at the cotton fabric of her dress. "Yes," she whispered clearly but faintly.

"You don't have to be all quiet about it," I managed to say, staring straight ahead, but my voice had started cracking. "You don't have to keep it inside. You don't have to be alone all your life, Naminé."

"I hate you," she said quietly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she, for the second time since I had met her, silently leant her head against my shoulder and cried.

- x -

awww.

pretty background, 'awww' scene.

leave me a review. I'll try to get back yo ya.

flames are accepted. y'know. they'll keep me waaarm.