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This is not a comedy. I've taken away what was the essence of the show and focused on their personalities without the exageration that a sitcom brings to these characters.

Enjoy this chapter

Chandler: So you know this leaves us with...

Monica: Adoption.

Chandler: How do you feel about that?

Monica: I think I feel okay about it. Actually, I think I feel really good about it.

Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.

Monica: So this is it. We're really going to adopt?

Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.

Monica: (excited) Oh my God! We're gonna be parents!

Chandler: We are gonna be great parents!

Season 9, Episode 22 (The One With the Donor)

The hospital had quickly found a therapist for Chandler, who was waiting in the waiting room rubbing on his beard. He found the feel of the hair on his palm soothing. He repeated this gesture, staring into space, his thoughts absent.

"Chandler Bing."

He jumped to his feet and followed the person who had just called him into a vacant office. The person left him alone without saying anything to him. He took a seat mechanically on the chair in front of the desk, crossed his legs and impulsively resumed the caresses on his beard, while nibbling the nail of his thumb with his free hand. A few minutes later, a man entered the office with an open file in his hands.

"Mr. Bing, welcome."

"Umm."

The therapist sat down in the chair next to Chandler, which confused Chandler, who thought the doctor was going to sit at the desk in front of him. The proximity bothered him.

"I'm Dr. Nolan. I'm not here to cure you, but to give you the tools to get well and, most importantly, to help you find your way back to your memories."

"Is this my file?"

"Yes. It's a summary of your stay in the hospital after your accident. As you know, I met with your wife a few days ago to get a better sense of your dynamics and to learn more about the man you forgot. I do this for all my patients."

"He's Prince Charming," Chandler quipped lightly.

The therapist looked into Chandler's eyes with a knowing smile on his lips.

"Are you intimidated by the one you were?"

"I. I. No. Well, a little, yes."

Dr. Nolan reached for a notebook on his desk, settled it on his crossed legs and opened it to the first page. He took a pencil out of his shirt pocket and with a click of his thumb drew out the pencil lead.

"Do you remember anything about the accident?"

Chandler figured the therapist was wasting no time getting to the heart of the matter. He still didn't know how often he would see him or how their sessions would go.

"No, not really."

"What do you mean?"

Chandler bit the inside of his cheek before biting his lower lip. He didn't feel like telling anyone what he hadn't told them since the accident, but he forced himself to.

"I have a strange reaction every time I get into a car. I get a funny feeling in my feeling in my stomach. You know, like when you go downhill fast on a roller coaster? But it's not pleasant. My hands get sweaty and sometimes my head hurts."

"Has it been explained to you what you are suffering from?"

"I have amnesia. It's so obvious," Chandler couldn't help but say.

Nolan laughed sincerely and took Chandler's file.

"Your scans show that your amnesia is not related to a physical condition–"

"I'm crazy, right?" cut in Chandler.

"Does it worry you that I think you're crazy?"

"I don't want to be crazy."

"You seem to have dissociative amnesia, which basically means that a great deal of stress or trauma has prevented you from remembering anything. Since you still have some memories that go back to a certain time in your life, so we say it's a localized or selective amnesia."

"So basically, I'm crazy," Chandler laughed nervously, playing with the hair on his chin.

The doctor set the file down on his desk and picked up his pencil, clicking his tongue against his pallet.

"Let's forget about the madness for now. Between you and me, the one who thinks he's crazy is seldom is. Tell me about the most recent memory you have before you woke up in the hospital."

"Uh, I was invited for the second year in a row to Thanksgiving at Ross' parents."

"And what year is that?

"1988. I'm 20 but as you can see, I look older than my age."

"Humor, yes, it's a kind of defense for you. Was it always?"

Chandler felt the panic growing in his belly. He'd come here to recover the memory he'd lost, not to talk about the one he still had.

"How does that help?"

"We don't know the connections that can be made to bring back your memories, we are exploring. But I was also hoping to help you relax. I have the impression that you expect to be shot in the public space."

"Ah, yes I am a little, a lot nervous. I have used humor and sarcasm to protect myself emotionally since my parents' divorce. I was nine years old."

"Which means that by the time you were 20, you had practice. Your defense mechanism was on point. You must have had difficulty talking about your true feelings and trusting people. You must not have had many friends and that must have satisfied you. So few people really know you and you are not likely to suffer from abandonment. Is that how you felt when your parents divorced?"

Chandler remained silent, hesitant. Dr. Nolan, he thought, was taking a lot of liberty in his interpretation of a person who had just met him. Nonetheless, he understood part of the point. If he had built a shell to keep anyone from hurting him, it also prevented him from opening up to others. And this state was not only due to his parents' divorce, but to their way of being with their only son since his birth. Nora and Charles Bing should not have a child. Chandler was a social misfit and his parents were responsible for his discomfort in society. With a wild mother who paid no attention to her son's feelings, and a father who turned out to be a homosexual and revealed himself as a woman, he had been forced to adapt, even to forget himself.

"I was abandoned by my parents from the moment I was born, Dr. Nolan. Their divorce has only made me feel worse."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Well, there's nothing there, you know. You get used to it."

"Even if it still has an impact on you. So why did this Ross guy get through your shell?"

Chandler got his first smile of the meeting at the memory. Ross Geller was more pitiful than he was, at least in Chandler's way of interpreting the situation. He was the poster child, the one who was given everything when he asked for it and it showed in the way he approached girls. Chandler had a few flirtations that had come to nothing because of him, but he knew how to flirt, whereas Ross was pathetic, he remembered. The meeting with Ross had taken place on their first day of college. They were in the same school, but in different faculties. If Ross was in history, Chandler was in mathematics. Nothing should have made them cross paths. But Ross was in the cafeteria, flirting with a girl and talking about dinosaur feet. Chandler had walked up to her and looked at the girl and told her that it was because of the dinosaur feet that the cafeteria smelled. The girl laughed. Her cheeks had become pink and she had moved away while looking at Chandler. Chandler had looked away from her to Ross, his hands in his pockets. Ross had gotten angry at him, accusing him of stealing the girl he coveted, before lining up to get something to eat. Chandler had stood behind him and told him that it wasn't by talking about lizard feet that had been dead for so long that he was going to get a girl into bed. Ross replied that dinosaurs had legs and that was that. They had become friends in a matter of minutes, and since Chandler had arrived at the university the same day, they had become aware that they shared the same room.

"Because he was even more pathetic than I was socially, and he came from a family that brooded over him a lot."

"You were the opposite of each other. A young man from an overly protective family and a young man left to his own since birth."

"He was boringly serious, but so endearing. He was in history, while I was in mathematics. But we had a lot in common. We didn't have much luck with girls crush, and we were both into music. I honestly don't know why Ross Geller had it so easy, but he did."

"Doesn't your wife have the Geller name?"

"Yep, she is. She's Ross' little sister."

"Interesting. Yet you have no memory of her."

Chandler wondered why Dr. Nolan found this so interesting, and corrected the therapist.

"Not exactly. There are two moments when, when I remember her. But they're not happy moments."

"Explain."

"She was 17 and was overweight and I made a mean comment to Ross and she heard it."

"How did she react?"

"She acted like she didn't hear it. Monica told me a little while ago that she had heard."

"So it's not such a difficult memory for you, because you didn't know that she heard you."

"Maybe I didn't. But I'm not proud of it. She is my wife."

"Try not to mix up what you've learned about yourself with what you remember. It was awkward of your friends to put a lot of images in your head that you couldn't understand, but I guess they meant well. You seem to be much loved, Mr. Bing. You may not feel it because you don't have the memories of that love."

"That's exactly right."

"So before we begin, I have another question."

"Before we start? Haven't we started?"

Chandler was confused. What was he doing here with this doctor who had been talking to him for twenty minutes, but hadn't started the session? Was it misplaced curiosity?

"No, we were getting to know each other. Would you like a glass of water or coffee?"

"Water, please," said Chandler, not expecting such a naive question.

The therapist got up to leave through the door he had entered earlier. Chandler emptied his lungs by breathing out deeply and wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. His heart was beating very fast. He was terrified and wanted to flee the office and run until he passed out. He did not want to remember.

He was comfortable in his ignorance and did not need this fear. He could make a new life for himself without these five adults and four children who expect something of him. He didn't even think he could take care of himself, so how could he be the rock of a family and a circle of friends? He was mentally preparing to leave when Dr. Nolan returned with two glasses of water. He sat in his seat and crossed his legs, looking at Chandler with a sympathetic smile.

"How long did you give yourself before you leave?"

Chandler let out a nervous laugh.

"I had twenty seconds left."

"But leaving is just as scary as staying, isn't it?"

"Uh, how?"

"You're not the first person to react to his amnesia. I know it feels like you're alone in the world, but everyone reacts to memory loss in this way. Shock, denial, fear, and then acceptance. Once you get to this stage, anything can happen."

"But I may never get my memory back," exclaimed a desperate Chandler.

"Yes, that's true. But here you are, sitting across from me. Before acceptance comes fear. It's a powerful defense mechanism and it's normal that you feel it so intensely with what you've experienced. Not many people go through what you are going through, but you are no different from anyone else, Mr. Bing. Your pain is real, your fear is legitimate. Tell me about what you're afraid of."

Chandler ran his hand through his hair, repeating over and over in his head that no one would laugh at him if he talked about his emotions. The therapist was there to help him be able to put into words what was happening to him. He now understood why the therapist had told him that the interview had not yet begun. The questions got harder as the session progressed.

"It wasn't really who I was that terrified me, but the possibility of not becoming that again. I was being humorous when I said 'Prince Charming', but that's kind of how Monica described me. I went from asshole to friend, from friend to best friend and finally from best friend to the love of her life in ten years. We supposedly lived an idyllic 25-year life and had four children. From the time I woke up from my coma to this very moment, I feel nauseous just thinking about the fact that I have been married for 25 years and have four children."

"It is difficult for you to imagine that you wanted this life."

"Yes. It's impossible for me to think that this is what I wanted. I don't know what could have made me change my mind."

"Part of you wonders what made you move to this reality."

He never said it, but Chandler felt like a victim. Subconsciously, he didn't believe he had evolved into this reality, but had been trapped in it against his will. He knew it didn't make sense, but that's where the dissonance between his different realities was happening. Chandler closed his eyes and tried to imagine himself wanting everything he had. Nausea gripped him violently in the throat.

"Having seen and heard that you are a good and loving father does not confront what you feel."

"I. No. Yes, a little, but fear has been with me my whole life and I'm very good at keeping that feeling from coming up too much. When I can't control it, I run away. I've always been unable to face what terrifies me."

"I don't believe you," Dr. Nolan replied.

Chandler sat back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest. This sign of withdrawal was so apparent that the doctor had to suppress a slight smile. Chandler Bing was protecting and fighting himself bravely.

"I need to know what I'm like, don't you think?" replied Chandler, pissed off that Nolan told him what he was like.

"You're in a committed relationship with a future. You got married and you have four children. Not one, but four! And I even heard that you changed jobs at age 35, after more than 10 years in the same industry. If that's not a person who has fought his fears with ferocity, tell me what it is?"

"I forgot all about it!"

"Yes, but here you are in front of me, fighting that paralyzing fear again to give you the tools to find the one who terrifies you."

"I'm not terrified of who I was, I told you that! But he's gone! And I have to go on with who I am now! You think the memories are going to come back and I'm going to suddenly want this life?" My wife and children are complete strangers to me! And I don't want these commitments! I never wanted them!" shouted Chandler in agitation.

Everything was getting mixed up in Chandler's head. He took the glass of water and half-emptied it before wiping the water that had run on his beard. He tried to calm himself, embarrassed by the outburst.

"What is it about commitment that scares you?" asked Nolan, who had remained calm.

"I," Chandler began before thinking about it. "I just, I don't know."

"Your childhood trauma isn't just related to your parents' divorce. That's what I understood from what you told me. Your mother did not show maternal love and your father was confronted with who he really was did not help the bond between you two. Having lacked, during your youth, demonstrations of love that are essential to the psychological development of children handicapped your emotional life. You have locked yourself in your shell of humor and sarcasm until you were 18. There was one person significant enough to open up to, and that person has remained despite your flaws. Ross Geller and then his younger sister gave you the love you were missing. Friendship is not equal to parental love, but these two people became your friends in your late teens and they did not judge you. They accepted you as you were. Then your circle expanded. Don't you think that at some point in your life, you wanted to evolve into something that your parents never were? A loving spouse and a loving parent?"

"I guess so. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten married and become a father," growled Chandler.

"Nice conclusion, Mr. Bing," laughed Nolan.

"That's your conclusion," Chandler replied briskly, annoyed by the therapist's laughter. "All this doesn't change the way I feel. It's science fiction what's happening to me right now. I'm not the 30-year-old Chandler Bing who jumped right into a relationship with his best friend. As I speak, I don't even feel a friendship for Monica Gell–."

Chandler didn't finish his thought and quickly shut up. The therapist leaned over his notebook and began to write briskly with a slight smile on his lips. This man could scream to anyone who would listen that he was afraid of his shadow, but he didn't even think he was himself anymore. Chandler Bing was in an internal battle with himself, as was every one of his patients. The 53-year-old seemed to want to come back, but couldn't find his way through all the conflicting emotions he was feeling."

"Do you like your wife?"

The doctor still had his gaze bent over his notebook as he asked this question, as if he had guessed that the answer might intimidate Chandler.

"She's beautiful"

"Have you ever had a crush on her?" he asked, still not looking at him.

"I kissed her once and, she pushed me away."

"Did you feel rejected?"

"Not really, I'm used to it. Well, at least as I remember. Monica told me that I wasn't exactly her husband, so she didn't want to try anything. I guess I had more experience when we became a couple."

"You never thought about your wife in a more intimate way after that?"

"Yes. I, I had dreams about her and me. Well, you know about what"

"Really?" said Nolan in surprise, looking up from his notebook.

He quickly pulled himself together, kicking himself for projecting his own interpretation onto Chandler.

"Well, there is nothing surprising. Monica is really sexy and beautiful. I don't see anything that could make you react like that. It's just another fantasy."

"Have you thought that this dream could be a memory?"

"Oh shit!"

"Have you discussed this with your wife?"

"I mean. I. I, we haven't. I. No, I haven't talked to Monica. And frankly, I don't see myself describing my dream and asking her if it's a memory."

Sensing that this was making his patient more nervous and that they were not there yet in the process, Dr. Nolan simply wrote in his notebook that Chandler's erotic dreams could be memories. He decided to bring him back to when he woke up from his coma.

"What's the first thing you remember about waking up?"

"That I had a bad headache and I heard a scream that said I was awake. Then I was swarmed with people."

"Do you know who screamed?" asked Nolan, knowing full well the answer and figuring that was part of the reason for his emotional shock.

"Yes, it was Jack."

"Your oldest son."

Chandler winced. He remembered being told that the doctor looked very young. When his real doctor explained what had happened to him and introduced him to Jack as one of his children, Chandler had panicked. He had thrown up because he felt like he was living in a nightmare.

"How did you react," the therapist continued.

"To make a long story short, they had to restrain me because I was so shocked, and, and I was given a sedative."

"And Jack, how did he feel about your reaction?"

Chandler frowned. His eyes had seen Jack's reaction, but his brain had never wanted to process it. He could see himself screaming that he would never have children, that it was wrong, that Jack was lying. He remembered seeing him collapse on the floor, his face pale. He remembers the arrival of Monica who had approached Jack and had taken him in her arms while the young man was crying. But Chandler was struggling, panicked by what he had just learned when he woke up. He had murmured before falling asleep, because of the sedative, that he would have preferred to die than to wake up in this reality.

"Jack, I... Shit! I understand now the behavior he had with me afterwards."

"Can you tell me more about it?"

"Because, I had more or less the same behavior with my father when, when he announced to me that he was a woman himself and that he liked men. I literally kicked him out of my life. My father always tried to be in my life, while I kept him away from me as much as possible."

"And the other kids?"

"What about the other kids?"

"What were they like with you?"

"Erica, Jack's twin, was quieter, more observant. She smiled, but never...Daniel, the youngest guy, he was quiet. I almost never, I. And Elizabeth, the youngest, is only 10 years old. She, she jumped on me when I came back. I froze and I asked Monica to take her away. Oh my God! They had lost their father and me, I just, I just–"

"Does it make you emotional to talk about them?"

Chandler buried his face in his hands in shame. Four children between the ages of 17 and 10 had what he thought was their father, and in his selfishness he refused to understand that even if he didn't remember them, he was still their father. He had not even wanted to acknowledge the obvious. He was married and a father, and his fear had hurt the five people he should have loved the most in the world. It had been four months since he had come out of his coma, and the first three months Monica had been alone with him, an amnesiac jerk who thought that if he told himself he didn't want a family, she would magically disappear.

When the group of friends had arrived, he had still locked himself in his negative thoughts because facing what scared him seemed insurmountable. He had talked about divorce even before he had even made any effort to solve his problem, because he didn't want anything he had.

"I'm ashamed that I don't live up to who I was."

"The fact that you have empathy for the consequences of the people around you is a great start. That will be all for today."

Chandler pulled his hands away from his face and looked at him, surprised.

"Wha... What do you mean?"

"We'll see each other again Mister Bing, once a week to start with."

"But... But I don't remember anything."

"Did you think that after one session you would get your memory back?"

"Well... Yeah."

The therapist smiled at him before standing up, followed by Chandler. They shook hands and he invited Chandler to go to the reception desk so he could give him the date of his next appointment. When Chandler headed for the door, Dr. Nolan stopped him.

"Mr. Bing, one last question. If you had met Monica four months ago and she had been a single mother of four, would that have prevented you from falling in love with her?"

"I... I don't think so."

"Keep that in mind. You just met Monica and she has four children. What friend is waiting for you?"

"Phoebe."

"Is she close to you?"

"That's what she says, yes. But, I sense something else."

"Do you think she's lying to you?"

"Oh, no, not really. She's right there. She must think she's as close to me as the others. "But I feel she is less friendly and she seems to pity me less."

"You feel better with her."

"I feel less pressure, yes."

"See you next week, Mr. Bing."

Until next chapter, have a good week !