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ANAKIN'S REDEMPTION
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Chapter Seventeen - ReconnectingAnakin was glad to have some time alone. He secluded himself in a store room, surrounded by bits and pieces of various tools and machinery. He was home there. He felt good about the conversation he'd had with Luke. Yoda had been right; Luke had been feeling a tremendous amount of responsibility for him. What a heavy burden for such a young man.
Anakin sighed. He hoped that after their talk, Luke would finally be able to let go.
Let go.
The words haunted him. Anakin felt his lip quiver, and the tears start to burn behind his eyes.
How can I let her go?
A sob welled up in his throat and choked him.
Padme…
Were Yoda and Obi-Wan right? Was she bad for him? Dangerous?
How could something so strong, be so bad?
The tears spilled out and rolled down his cheeks. "Padme," he whispered. He thought of her, holed up in that tiny house, the look of terror on her face when she saw him.
"What did I do to you?" he said aloud. His shoulders began to shake as he cried. He cried for Padme, the shattered life that he had made for her. Because of him, she had spent her life hiding, alone…
Alone.
For a split second, Anakin felt a glimmer of pleasure. Pleasure that Padme had not remarried, that she had spent her life alone rather than go on without him…
She loves me. She belongs to me.
STOP! Anakin caught himself. What he was thinking? They were right! Obi-Wan and Yoda were right! He did want to own her! He should be hoping for her happiness, not rejoicing in her inability to move on! They were right… Anakin's face contorted as he twisted in anguish.
"No!" he whispered. "NO!" His entire body convulsed in horror as he broke down into desperate sobs.
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Leia felt a brief glimmer of her father in the next room. She hesitated outside the door for a moment, then went in.
Anakin was sitting alone, his head buried in his hands. Leia stood and watched him for a moment. He sensed her presence and looked up. His eyes were swollen, his face red and tear streaked.
"Oh," he said, wiping his eyes hastily. "I didn't realize you wanted to come in here. I'll go." He started to get up.
"It's ok Anakin, stay where you are," said Leia, gesturing for him to sit back down. He slowly lowered himself, looking at her uncertainly. Leia stood looking down at him, her hands on her hips. "You're afraid of me, aren't you?" she asked curiously.
"Afraid? Me? No of course not..." Anakin stammered. Leia raised her eyebrows at him. "Well, maybe just a little," he confessed.
"How can the big powerful Darth Vader be scared of me?"
He frowned at her. "I've told you, I'm not Darth Vader anymore. I know it's hard for you to accept, but I am Anakin Skywalker. And really, I always was. Somewhere in there, hiding, just waiting for a chance to escape from Palpatine."
"Was it Anakin who tortured me on the Death Star?" Leia said bluntly, her eyes hard. Anakin closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face. "I'm sorry Leia," he said softly, barely a whisper. "I'm – I'm so sorry. It wasn't me, that was Vader. You were so strong and defiant, you wouldn't give in and tell us the Rebel base location. I wanted…Vader wanted… to break you. I admit it. I didn't like to see anyone strong, because I was so weak myself."
"You felt weak? But you were ruling the Empire!"
"Palpatine was ruling the Empire," he corrected. "I was nothing more than a henchman, a servant who did his bidding. I wasn't even second in command – I had to take orders from Tarkin of all people. You were right when you said he was holding my leash. A short leash at that. When you saw me parading around with my big black suit and cape, you probably thought you saw a powerful man. Well if you could have seen beyond that, you would have seen a crippled, burned little man who was trapped inside that suit, dependant on it to survive, even to breathe. A man who was once great, who sacrificed his life and everything he cared about, to become a slave to an evil man."
Anakin paused and took a breath."I was once Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Clone Wars Commander. A highly respected hero of the Jedi Order. I was happily married to a woman I loved more than life itself. We were awaiting the birth of our first child…or children, as it turned out. I had it all. I had everything a man could ever want. And I threw it all away…I lost it all! Chasing a string of lies and getting consumed by a twisted hunger for more power. Ironically, in my desire for more power, I lost it all. So I tried to show my power by intimidating and hurting everyone around me. Including you. I thought respect was making everyone afraid of you. But it's not, it's not at all. They all hated me. And I knew, deep down, that I was a fraud. I was not powerful, just a sad man who had nothing to live for and who took out his misery on the world around him."
Leia was watching him, a solemn expression on her face. Anakin could not read her feelings. "I was jealous of you Leia, there on the Death Star," he admitted.
She raised an eyebrow. "Jealous?"
"Yes," he nodded, not able to look at her. "You were so strong. I've seen grown men fall apart and cry for their mothers under an interrogation droid's torture. But you...you sat there and took it…you never gave in. You were not afraid of me. I saw your strength and I wanted it. I saw something in you that I had once seen in myself, something I had lost. You reminded me so much of Padme…it hurt me so badly that I wanted to hurt you back, for making me think of her again. I made you suffer for it. But even after all your suffering, you were not afraid. You almost made me laugh when you told Tarkin you 'recognized his foul stench.' I couldn't believe that someone who had just undergone hours of torture could still be so rebellious and insolent. In that moment I was – well I was proud of you. For what it's worth – you helped me to fight Palpatine and save your brother."
"I…helped you?" Leia raised her head slightly, her eyes full of confusion.
"I – I was standing there, watching Palpatine torture my son. He was killing him and I just stood there. I couldn't do anything. I was too afraid. I was not strong enough to fight the Emperor. But then…I remembered you. I remembered you there on the Death Star and how you refused to give in. Even after Alderaan – " Leia flinched and turned her head away. "…after Alderaan…you had just lost your home, your family, everyone you loved - in a single flash. And even then, you did not give up. I realized that you are my daughter, you are part of me, and if you had that strength then I must have it too. That's how I did it."
Anakin stood up and took a step towards Leia, who was still not facing him. He placed a tentative hand on her shoulder; she tensed but this time did not push him away. "You helped me. When Padme was pregnant with you, I sensed a little girl. I felt you in there and I thought of the name Leia. I was so looking forward to your birth, I loved you even then. I didn't get to know you but I'm proud of the woman you became."
Leia shuddered a little but still refused to look at him. Anakin continued.
"I thought my daughter died along with Padme. When I first met you, you were everything I thought my little girl would be. You had her name, Padme's eyes, my former strength and courage. I hated you for it. And I punished you, not realizing that you really were my Leia. I'm truly sorry for everything I put you through. And even if you can't ever forgive me, or accept me…well, I'm really proud to have you as a daughter. If it helps you to know this, I hate Vader as much as you do. And if you want revenge on him, then please know that your rejection of me is worse than any torture an interrogation droid could ever give. If there's anything I can do for you, anything at all, then please – "
"Oh Father!"
Tears streaming down her face, Leia fell into Anakin's arms, much to his astonishment. He pulled her to him and stroked her hair. Her body convulsed, racked by sobs as she cried into his shoulder. "Father – I – " She was having trouble speaking through her tears.
"It's okay," he comforted her. "You don't have to say anything."
Father and daughter stood holding each other, a lifetime of anger and hatred now bridged. Leia sobbed uncontrollably into Anakin as he rocked her gently.
"Hey Leia, I found – oh!" said Luke, walking in and stopping dead when he saw his father and sister. Leia had not heard him over her own crying, but Anakin gave Luke a small smile and a gentle nod. Luke smiled in amazement, nodded in return and backed out of the room. He shut the door quietly. Luke leaned back against the door, shook his head, and let out a small laugh of relief.