A/N: Another week, another chapter! Two things, I don't have a beta so all logic blunders, grammatical errors etc are on me!
Also, thank you so much for taking the time to read, review and otherwise follow my story, it makes me genuinely happy :)
Chapter 13: Sleepovers and School Trips
Amanda was en route to Olivia's office when Amaro came out of the teaching lounge. His eyes landed on the two cups of coffee Amanda was carrying and his face lit up. "One of them for me?", he asked and while Amanda could hear by his tone of voice that he was not 100% serious, she politely handed him the coffee she'd actually bought for Olivia. Everything else would have been unkind and.. .suspicious. Suspicious? Why, because it's not normal to get a coffee for the principal?
"Oh, thank you." Nick took a sip and sighed in contentment. "Feel much better already."
"Tough week?", Amanda asked him. He shook his head, then shrugged, then nodded with a snort. "Yeah... well, the usual stuff, but then there's also some personal stuff going on.." He glanced around them, then grimaced. "Never mind. I don't want to bore you with my problems."
"You don't", Amanda assured him. She felt safer now in his presence after he'd kind of suggested friendship. Friendship she could handle. Maybe not well, but she also wasn't going to be the shittiest friend in the universe if she could help it. It wasn't like Nick demanded a lot from her, after all.
"Yeah, okay, I'll fill you in soon. Thanks." Nick Amaro furrowed his brow when he realized that Amanda had been headed to the principal's office. "You have an appointment with Olivia?"
Amanda raised her cup of coffee and took a large sip, pondering her response. She finally settled on a shrug. "Not really", she conceded.
"Okay, well." The bell rang and only moments later, the school filled with break-related noises of students shuffling out of classrooms, talking to each other, complaining about the homework they'd been burdened with or exchanging the latest rumors.
Saved by the bell, Amanda thought, and she and Nick stepped a little to the side so that a couple of teachers and students could pass them more easily.
"Hey, I have to teach now", Amaro said, "but if you're still here afterwards, we could go through some of that student-paper stuff?"
"Oh, you don't have to help me that much, Nick, I'm sure you have enough work to do", Amanda said even though she was secretly grateful to him for his suggestion; the school year had really picked up speed now and she already knew that she'd be buried in work on the weekend – grading papers, creating new worksheets, doing some preparation for the weeks to come...
"Nonsense. I'm your friend and friends support each other", Nick said and Amanda gave him a relieved smile. "See you later, then."
After Nick had vanished into the teacher's lounge to grab his things for his next lesson, Amanda contemplated not going to Olivia Benson's office. She didn't even have a coffee to bring her anymore! Quickly, she got rid of her own coffee so that they would at least be even, already being pulled to Olivia like the opposing side of a magnet.
Olivia told you to pop by anytime, she reminded herself when she waved at Marcy who was once again on the telephone, this time rolling her eyes so hard it looked almost painful. "Yes, we are a large school in the middle of New York, so our electricity consumption should not be compared to a normal residence, Sir!"
After she'd knocked and Olivia had called out to "come in", Amanda slipped into the principal's office.
Olivia immediately broke into a wide smile when she saw Amanda.
"Sorry, no coffee today. Nick stole yours", Amanda raised her empty hands as if to provide evidence.
"Okay, that's enough, I'll cut his pay", Olivia joked, making them both laugh a little which served to ease their nerves at least some. Olivia's features settled into a more neutral expression. "Don't you want to sit down?", she asked gently but Amanda politely declined. "Nah, I really just came here to say hello", she confessed and was astonished by her own honesty. She'd just wanted to see Olivia, really, coffee or not.
Olivia didn't seem to find this odd. But after all, she had been the one to offer Amanda to drop by anytime.
"I haven't seen you much the last few days", Olivia mused. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Amanda shrugged the brunette woman's concern off. "Just a lot of work to do, so..." She tried to come up with something more substantial to say. "I guess I'll need a few more days for your pictures."
"I told you there's no hurry", Olivia assured her. "Oh, and next week", the principal recalled, "you are going on that job-fair excursion, right? Do you still feel up for that?" Her question sounded utterly genuine as if she truly considered to let Amanda off the hook if the blonde teacher was too overworked.
"I'm fine", Amanda replied and let her eyes wander around the office so as not to drown in dark chocolate orbs. There was a question caught somewhere between her rib cage and her throat, and why was this so damn hard although she was craving it so much?
"Amanda... are you okay?" Now Liv got up and approached her only a tad hesitantly.
Amanda tried to shake off the awkwardness. She nearly stumbled over her words when she finally managed to get them out. "Err – I know I have a huge to-do list and everything, but I meant to ask whether you'd like to go for a run again this weekend? I could watch Noah in the meantime, y'know..."
Olivia stood in front of her, all calm and collected. Her lips contorted into a soft smile. "I'd love that, Amanda."
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And thus, they spent another Saturday together, starting the morning with a good run and afterwards enjoying a cozy breakfast on Olivia's blue couch while Frannie napped on the floor and didn't even so much as twitch when Noah started to build a – well, a something that couldn't quite be defined just inches away from her face with some of his toys.
"She's such a good dog", Olivia marveled. "You never told me how you got her", she remarked and took another forkful of her bowl of fruit salad.
Amanda swallowed the piece of thinly buttered toast she'd just been chewing on and reached for a napkin to clean her hands that had gotten a little greasy. "I got her from a shelter", she explained. What more to add? "She's been with me for well over a year now."
"Why did you pick her?" At Amanda's confused gaze, Olivia hastily added: "It's not that I don't understand why, she's great. But I've never really had much to do with animals and I figure the shelters are quite full so how did you know which one to choose?"
Now this territory was slippery, as Amanda's heart that had picked up speed reminded her. She could not very well admit how little she actually remembered of that day. Of that time at all, really. Fishing for crumbs of memory inside her brain, Amanda thoughtfully said: "I don't know... I guess I just saw her sitting inside her kennel and there was something about her... I hadn't had anything specific in mind, I just wanted a dog..."
"She's your first dog, then?", Olivia gently inquired. When Amanda nodded, she hummed approvingly. "She's quite well behaved. I kinda guessed you grew up surrounded by animals."
"Well, I once brought in a stray cat and my mum went ballistic because it supposedly had fleas."
"Bummer." Olivia smiled at her and Amanda tossed the question back at her: "So you didn't grow up with pets, either?"
"My mother wasn't too enthusiastic about animals. I kept a pet hamster secretly once, though."
"Secretly? How so?", Amanda asked, intrigued by any nugget of personal information Olivia was willing to share with her.
Olivia chuckled. "A school friend gave it to me and I bought the cheapest cage they had in the pet store – I used my pocket money for the purchase – and then I just took it home and hid it in my wardrobe, cage and all."
"And for how long did you get away with it?"
"Oh, almost a year", Olivia replied chewing, apparently finishing her story together with her last bite of fruit salad.
"A year?", Amanda could not entirely hide her surprise. She had thought that such a ruse would have only been able to last for a matter of weeks, tops.
Olivia put her bowl back onto the low couch table and reached for her coffee mug. After taking a sip, she shrugged. "My mother was not going through a good phase back then and I mainly had to take care of myself. I was about twelve years old and wasn't particularly keen on her coming into my room anyway." Amanda remembered the hint Olivia had recently given about her mother not having wanted her in the first place. She grimaced at her own insensitivity. "I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to pry."
Olivia gave her a faint smile over her coffee mug. "It's fine. I was the one who asked you about your dog, anyway." She cocked an eyebrow at the younger woman in something akin playfulness. "Guess what it was called?"
"Your hamster?", Amanda asked, momentarily taken aback. Olivia confirmed her question with a small nod and a smile tugging at her lips.
"Umm – I have no idea. Marvin, maybe? Lucky?", she guessed.
Olivia chuckled. "Okay, I'll give you a hint. My mum was an English professor."
"Yeah, I remember that, but I still have no clue!", Amanda said, getting a tad competitive now. "Let's see... maybe something like Moby Dick? Copperfield, like David Copperfield?" She huffed in frustration when Olivia only shook her head. "Yeats? Beckett? Oh, c'mon, give me a break", she demanded with a laugh when it became obvious that she would never make the right guess.
Olivia smirked. "Ulysses."
"You called your pet hamster Ulysses?"
"I know, right? I was so pretentious."
"I would have gone for precocious, but I get your point." They both smiled at each other warmly. The moment expanded and Amanda noted that her heart had started a somewhat irregular rhythm, almost fluttering inside her chest like a small bird's wings.
"Err", she started dumbly, "I think – thank you for the breakfast and the company, Olivia. I'd actually love to stay for a while longer, but..." She pulled up her shoulders in a gesture of apology. "There's such a ton of work waiting for me." Suddenly overcome with a tiredness that had not been there before, she tried to stifle a yawn.
Olivia scooted closer to her on the couch ever so slightly. "Didn't you get a good night's rest?", she inquired with a gentleness in her tone that touched Amanda to her core. She shrugged the principal's concern off as nonchalantly as she could. "It's okay. I often have trouble sleeping."
The words had just slipped out of her mouth before she'd given them any further thought. But Olivia's brow had creased and her eyes darkened in sorrow. "That does not sound good, Amanda. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Amanda felt her cheeks redden. "Nah, I guess it just runs in my family..."
"Have you ever tried medication?" Olivia's voice was like a cool breeze on a warm day, so perfectly soothing.
Amanda blinked. "Not really." She hesitated, then added: "It hasn't always been that bad. Maybe it gets worse the older I get. Isn't that a thing?", she tried to steer the conversation into a more general direction. Olivia did not let her off the hook that easily though. "I'm just saying, if you ever want to do something against it... there are options." Amanda sensed that she intended to say more, but that she held back somewhat. Maybe she did not want to scare her off. Nevertheless, Amanda was unsettled by the way she had been so honest with Olivia, so unguarded. She realized how tempting it was to place her trust in the other woman, to just come clean. She bit her lip hard. Very hard.
"Gosh, you're bleeding!" Olivia pulled her out of the rabbit hole of her tangled thoughts as Amanda tasted blood on her tongue. She had bitten down on her lip too harshly.
Olivia was already reaching for a napkin. She held it out to Amanda gently. Amanda was too numb, too stunned, to move. Olivia mistook her reluctance for something else and gently asked: "May I?" and then she closed the few inches of distance that were still between them almost entirely, shifting closer on the couch so that she could very, very gently dab at Amanda's bleeding lower lip with the napkin.
Amanda closed her eyes for a second. This was too much. And not nearly enough. The metallic aftertaste of blood in her mouth made her shudder. And then she was back, back to where she did not want to go, and there was that taste again, a thin trail of blood running out of her nose, into her mouth, and there was this other sensation, she was being suffocated, she could not breathe, the weight resting on her body so heavy that she could not even move at all, pinned down helplessly underneath -
"Amanda. Amanda, sweetie, what's wrong?"
Sweetie. It was the unexpected term of endearment that brought her back, that made her aware of her surroundings again, of Olivia sitting next to her, of Olivia's hand on her shoulder, just resting, not squeezing or pulling or anything.
Amanda held back the sob that threatened to escape her. "I'm sorry – I kinda just zoned out". She was still deeply exhausted, even more so now than before. Only a few seconds could have passed, right? Right? Panic surged up inside her and she got up frantically: "I should probably really head home - "
"Do you think that's a wise idea?", Olivia interrupted her. She had remained seated on the couch so that Amanda had to cast her eyes downward to meet the older woman's kind, wondering gaze.
"I just need to catch up on some sleep", Amanda replied. Her voice wavered ever so slightly which seemed to be enough for Olivia to notice, though. "Amanda – I'm your friend. Something clearly just upset you. I don't know what and you don't even have to tell me but I don't feel comfortable with you – you ran here, right?"
Amanda gave a curt nod to confirm Olivia's assumption. She was not really capable of anything else because she had picked up on Olivia calling them friends. She hadn't said co-workers. Or played the hierarchy card: I'm your superior. She was just being herself and she maybe, maybe really simply wished to be her friend although it was puzzling to Amanda that anybody could want that. Especially someone like Olivia who was kind and good and warm.
"So, let's see – two options", Olivia stated matter-of-factly. "Number one, I drive you home so that you get to your apartment safely. Number two, I still drive you home but you can get some of your belongings, whatever stuff you need, and come back here with me."
Amanda would almost have bitten down on her lip again. There were two versions of her fighting an internal battle. One of them was thrilled by Olivia's caring, her tenderness. By the sheer prospect of Olivia's apartment being some kind of safe place for Amanda to turn to. By the prospect, admittedly, of being close to Olivia for some time longer. But then there was that other part of her, the one that blindly wanted to bolt, to not be all vulnerable and human and weak. That version won: "I can't do that to you, Olivia. Please, I want you to enjoy your weekend. You can just drop me of at my place. I'll be fine once I've had some sleep."
Olivia nodded solemnly. "Okay, then." She pointed to Noah who was still engrossed in his playing on the carpet. "I'll just get him dressed and then I'll be ready to drive you back home."
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"Amanda. Amanda, wake up, sweetie." Amanda stirred in her sleep, mumbling something unintelligible. She tried to cling to the remnants of the dreamy state she had just been in, so peaceful and enticing.
"We're here", the familiar voice that sounded like safety, like a blanket wrapped snugly around her body, announced in a low murmur.
Amanda blinked her eyes open. She needed a minute to gather herself and understand the situation she was currently in but she quickly recognized the tiny Korean restaurant that she was looking at from out of a car's window. Olivia's car window, to be precise. Olivia had offered to drive her home and Amanda must have fallen asleep. She remembered a red traffic light after they'd rounded the first corner from Olivia's apartment.
"Oh God – I'm sorry", Amanda said and wiped over her face with the palm of her hand, hoping she had not drooled or mumbled in her sleep. She felt right then and there that she would not be able to fall asleep again once she was back in her apartment. Her mind had somehow granted her this rather short nap but she was already back to her usual, alert state. The one where sleep equaled nightmares equaled powerlessness equaled the one thing she longed for but could not allow herself.
"Don't be." Olivia touched her arm gently after Amanda had lowered her hand. "I think you needed those ten minutes of sleep." There was no judgment in her voice, only understanding.
"Okay, so I'll see you on Monday?", Amanda asked and unbuckled her seat belt. "Thank you so much for -"
"My offer still stands." Olivia was speaking calmly, turning her gaze directly towards Amanda.
"Which off-oh, the one where I get my things and we go back to your place", Amanda recalled although she had not truly forgotten. How could she forget such a generosity? Impossible.
"It's just an offer", Olivia said with a smile. "My apartment is spacious enough for you to do your work there, too." But what she really said was: I mean it. I'm being a friend. I like you, I care about you. I don't want you sitting in your apartment unhappily, I don't want to leave you alone right now but if that's what you want I will respect your decision.
Amanda somehow, surprisingly, heard it all. Maybe it was because the drowsiness she had just woken up from still lingered in her bones, maybe it was also just the sound of that rich, velvety voice, maybe it was the looming emptiness she knew was awaiting her in her apartment. At any rate, she nodded. "I – I'd like to take you up on your offer,then"
It felt good to leave Frannie in Olivia's car, to know that she'd be back with her in only a matter of minutes. It felt right, in a peculiar way. And yet, despite the oddness of the situation, it made perfect sense. It all made sense somehow.
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They both managed to get a couple hours of work done after a quick lunch that consisted of sandwiches and salad, Olivia had retreated to the bedroom together with Noah a while she'd left the living room to Amanda who felt self-conscious at first, but soon was quite absorbed in her work. Finally, after Olivia had successfully put Noah to bed, she entered the living room where Amanda was just finishing her work. The younger woman looked up when she sensed the other one's presence. "Hey", she offered with a tentative smile.
"Hey yourself." Olivia returned the smile. "Been productive?", she inquired gently while moving to sit down on the couch next to Amanda who was in the process of saving and closing documents on her notebook.
Amanda sighed. "Yeah, I think so. I actually finished more stuff than I intended to do today, even." She rubbed her eyes that were starting to sting a little from looking at the electronic screen for so long.
"Do you want some tea? I think I also have a box of cookies hidden somewhere", Olivia looked at her questioningly.
"That sounds great."
"Any preferences? I have chamomile, peppermint, fruit..."
"Peppermint is fine, thanks."
Olivia put the kettle on and Amanda could hear her busying herself in the kitchen. She considered to join Olivia in the narrow yet welcoming room to make herself useful, but she figured that Olivia was alright on her own, as tea and cookies did not really require a lot of preparation, so she leaned back on the couch instead, pulling her legs up and resting her head on her knees while wrapping her arms around her thighs to make herself comfortable. Frannie yawned on the blanket that Olivia had thoughtfully placed on the floor a couple of hours ago so the dog had a place to rest. It was quite the heartwarming gesture, actually. Amanda had taken a short break some time before to walk Frannie. A glance to the living room windows told her that it had gotten dark outside, as the days were getting noticeably shorter now that it was November.
Olivia came back into the room with a tray that held two mugs of steaming hot tea and a plate of cookies that looked absolutely delicious and rather expensive. Not the usual cheap stuff one could buy in every supermarket. After Amanda had nibbled on one of them, she commented: "Wow, these are divine!"
"I got them from a small bakery in the city, I think they make the best cookies in all of New York", Olivia replied, munching on a chocolate chip one.
"Gee", Amanda remarked, "now that I have tasted them, I think I can never buy the supermarket ones ever again."
Olivia chuckled and took a careful sip of her chamomile tea. "Yeah, they kinda ruin the taste buds for anything that's not the real deal."
"Well, thank you, that will definitely cost me a fortune", Amanda bantered and soon, the two women found themselves engrossed in conversation, totally forgetting about time, both not wanting to call it a night, enjoying too much the stimulating company of the other one. It was only when they had both finished their second mug of tea and all the cookies had been relished that Amanda threw a rueful look at her phone. "Oh God, it's gotten so late, I gotta go...", she mumbled, already looking around the living room to make sure all her belongings were still strewn on the couch table so that she would not forget anything, but Olivia had now also checked the time and gasped in surprise. "It's close to midnight, Amanda, you shouldn't be out on the streets in the middle of the night!"
Amanda was touched by the principal's concern but she waved it off. "I'm a big girl, Olivia, no need to worry about me. Besides, I can always call a cab", she pointed out.
Olivia still did not seem convinced. The words that tumbled out of her mouth seemed natural and unrehearsed, but Amanda was still a good deal surprised by the unexpected offer: "You can totally stay the night, you know that, right? I mean, I don't have a guest bedroom, but you could have the sofa – it's a pull-out couch, so I could make it comfy for you..." Was Olivia babbling out of nervousness? It sure seemed like it, Amanda noticed that she was starting to fidget too, unnecessarily fiddling with the hem of her blouse, and pulling at its sleeves. It was endearing to see the composed, professional principal Benson so visibly flustered, but at the same time, Amanda was instantly overcome with the wish to put her at ease and spare her any uncertainty she felt.
The thought of gathering her belongings, of having to descend the stairs, of having to call a cab that accepted Frannie and of returning to her apartment in the middle of the night was not particularly appealing, and Amanda could not deny herself the chance of staying overnight at Olivia's place, something she now desperately wanted to do.
"You're honestly too kind", she said and tilted her head. "Are you really serious about this, Olivia?" She'd understand if Olivia backpedaled. She supposed that adult sleepovers between two women were harmless enough but she could also not shake her hunch that that this was not something Olivia regularly did. No, the older woman seemed way too agitated for this to be something that was a common occurrence in her home.
"Of course I am", Olivia brushed her off. "Umm – maybe I'll bring you a set of clothes and let you use the bathroom afterwards? There's a new toothbrush in the cabinet above the sink... and while you get ready for bed, I'll make this couch more comfortable for you, alright?"
Amanda nodded gratefully. About twenty minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom and went back to the living room barefoot. Olivia had indeed pulled out the sofa and draped the pillows at the head end nicely, she'd also spread bed sheets over the couch, explaining that otherwise, it would be "too itchy" to get a good night's rest. She pointed at the duvet she had prepared with a doubtful look on her face. "Do you think that blanket will do? I can get you another one if -"
"Oh, Olivia, everything's just perfect", Amanda assured her and grazed her fingers over the duvet lightly. It felt incredibly soft, something high-quality that Olivia had probably purchased in a more high-priced store for reasons unbeknownst to Amanda. "This looks almost more luxurious than my bed at home", she quipped to keep the mood light.
"Right. If you need anything, call out to me anytime, okay?" Olivia pointed to a jug of water and a glass she had put on the coffee table. "If you get thirsty, but you can get whatever else you want from the kitchen, you don't even have to ask... make yourself at home."
They both reddened a little at these last words that sounded so inviting, so intimate. Olivia shyly downcast her eyes and Amanda felt the older woman taking in the clothes that she was wearing for the night: Olivia had gotten her a pair of black leggings that miraculously fit like a glove, and a white over-sized shirt. Amanda had also removed her hair tie for the night, now the fine blonde strands were cascading over her shoulders. There was something in Olivia's look that seemed to border on – admiration? Appreciation? Amanda would not have dared to entertain such a thought if not for the time of day - or rather, night – that made everything seem less clear-cut, more open to interpretation.
The brunette suddenly emitted a noise that sounded like a guttural growl, almost. They both looked at each other somewhat lost.
"Well – good night, Amanda. And you know where to find me if you need me", Olivia nearly stumbled over her last words, and when she took a small step backwards, she would have almost tripped over a forgotten building block on the play rug.
"Careful – are you okay?", Amanda rushed to help her although Olivia had already caught herself and now shook her head in mild embarrassment with a chuckle. "Guess I should really get some sleep now before I break a bone", she attempted a joke to dissuade the awkwardness of the situation. Amanda did not want to cause her host any more stress, but she was standing close to Olivia due to her failed attempt at stopping a fall that had not even happened, and she was drawn to the woman's irresistible smell (sandalwood and something else, something that seemed purely Olivia), she was drawn to the chocolate pools that were her eyes, the kindest ones Amanda had ever come across, and drawn to the woman's olive-colored skin that looked so soft, that had felt so soft the few times the two women had actually touched, and so she haltingly closed the distance between them and gingerly put her arms around the taller woman in a very careful hug that was really just one third of a hug, a test of sorts, she was not properly embracing Olivia, it actually were merely her arms and hands that made true physical contact... but then she felt Olivia shift forward a little, felt her inclining her head a bit, and the subtle movements caused Amanda's chin to almost come to a rest on Olivia's shoulder, and her impulsiveness and her need both got the better of her and so she turned her head sideways a little and placed a feather-light, gentle kiss on Olivia's cheek, her lips barely touching soft skin for more than a split-second...
"Good night, Olivia", she whispered and let go reluctantly. Olivia's gaze lingered on Amanda's lithe form for a long, drawn-out moment and Amanda met her eyes as calmly as she could because she was certain that she would freak out otherwise. She had to make this look normal and natural, it could after all very well simply be a friendly way of showing affection and expressing gratefulness, right?
Olivia started to open her mouth, but then, instead, her lips curled upwards into a faint timid smile, the most beautiful Amanda had so far seen on the principal's often so determined-looking face. "Sleep tight...Amanda", she said and it seemed to Amanda that her name had rested on the tip of the other woman's tongue for a moment longer than strictly necessary, and that it still hung in the air and reverberated softly even after Olivia had left the living room.
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Thursday morning was difficult for Amanda, as she had to get up even earlier as usual to make sure to be at the school at 7am sharp to meet Nick and make sure that the overnight school trip to the job fair did not begin in utter chaos. The bus was just pulling up in front of the school as Amanda arrived and Nick and her quickly introduced themselves to the bus driver who looked like he had transported busloads of adolescents for at least three decades and who helped them stow their luggage before he planted himself firmly next to the huge yellow vehicle and lighted himself a cigarette. "Shall I get us some coffee?", Nick suggested after a look around confirmed that no students were yet in sight. Most of them would probably show up last-minute, excited but also too cool too really care about any school-related activities.
Amanda stood on her tip-toes and stretched her body in a vain attempt to ward off her exhaustion. "Yeah, that would be great", she sighed. "I won't survive a two-hour drive with dozens of unruly teens without the aide of caffeine."
Nick smirked in the boyish way he had. "I don't think they'll act out, I've heard you run quite a tight ship."
Amanda shrugged. "I have to, they'd just not take me seriously otherwise."
"Hey, I know", Nick assured her and added with a chuckle: "This is my third year here, so..."
"I'll be much better company once I've had that coffee", Amanda said, and Nick immediately understood that she actually mostly needed a minute to herself, so he lifted his wallet in acknowledgment of the mission at hand and swiftly made his way across the street to get two steaming cups of the much-desired liquid from the bakery over there.
Amanda closed her eyes for a moment, taking in the crisp, chilly air of this unremarkable day mid-November. She wasn't able to keep her thoughts from revisiting her weekend spent at Olivia's place, though. She had slept on the sofa fairly well, although she had woken up in the wee hours and pulled out a book from Olivia's well-stacked shelf at random in order to occupy herself, her body and mind both all too aware of the fact that only a few walls were separating her from a probably sound-asleep Olivia Benson. Finally, she'd gotten up and quietly entered the bathroom to make herself somewhat presentable. She had then taken the spare key Olivia had casually shown her on the day before, and left the apartment with Frannie, looking for a bakery to get some breakfast. And how touched Olivia had seemed when Amanda returned with two large cups of coffee, freshly baked rolls and some sweet delicacies for them to indulge in!
Sunday had been nice and relaxed, both women a little shy towards each other but often maintaining eye contact and throwing each other smiles and curious, friendly glances.
And then there was that question Olivia had asked her in the middle of the afternoon, when driving Amanda home.
Amanda's stomach fluttered ticklishly when she remembered the question, not only the words itself, but the way Olivia had spoken them and the way she had looked at her. She also remembered the hug that Olivia had initiated before Amanda had gotten out of her car; it had been a slightly firmer one, their upper bodies pressing against each other in a strangely pleasant way, a strand of brunette hair brushing Amanda's cheek.
She mustn't allow herself to read too much into it. Amanda knew that she should simply be glad that someone like Olivia voluntarily wanted to spend time with her, willingly made an effort to have her in her life. After all, it wasn't like she deserved any of Olivia's kindness. Also, there was still that nagging assumption that maybe Olivia put up with her mostly out of good-natured pity. That thought stung. Amanda glanced around furtively hoping no one had noticed how deep in thought she was when she heard an all too familiar voice only a few steps away from her. She turned halfway around just to look into the beaming face of Olivia herself, a light smile on her lips, her hand lifted in greeting. "Amanda! Good morning!"
She was wearing an attire suitable for school, a sensible dark-green parka, black pinstriped pants and a pair of shiny black boots that she probably used for school days only to keep them as clean as possible. But Amanda wasn't really paying much attention to Olivia's outfit. She was more taken by the woman's soft expression, by the barely even noticeable wrinkles visible on her face when she smiled like that, genuine and warm. Her smile also did not stop at her eyes; it made the dark chocolate orbs seem rounder, younger even, and the sparkle in them was oh so precious.
Involuntarily, Amanda crossed her arms, feeling naked and exposed despite her dark-blue denim jacket.
Olivia came to a halt in front of her, the height difference between them more pronounced because of her heeled boots.
"I just wanted to say goodbye", she explained, suddenly seeming a little unsure of her own presence here. Little she knew that Amanda was almost melting internally at her cautious words that sounded very much like a confession.
Amanda tried to convey her gratefulness with a smile but she was beginning to feel insecure, not used to such a level of care and consideration, and she assumed that her smile was looking more reserved because of all that. Out of the corner of her eye, she could spot Amaro making his way back to to them with the two coffees he'd just bought. Olivia noticed Amanda's sideways glance and hastily said: "Listen – er, do you like turkey? I mean", and now she actually seemed to falter a little, her shoulders sagging ever so slightly, her posture becoming somewhat crooked, "if you're still up for spending Thanksgiving at my place, that is."
Amanda wanted to tell her that she'd never been more overjoyed about a Thanksgiving invitation. That she was looking forward to the weekend so much that it made her heart beat faster. But although she was an English teacher with an extensive vocabulary, words failed her now. It was almost comically ironic that she currently only managed to duck her head awkwardly and confirm that, "yeah, 'course I'm up for it, and turkey's fine, thank you so much..."
And then Nick had covered the distance left between him and the two women, and he raised his cup to Olivia in greeting while simultaneously handing Amanda her beverage, and although Amanda would have liked to add something more substantial to her reply to Olivia, Amaro's presence made this even more difficult, yes, actually made it impossible for her to do anything else than sip on her drink a little too eagerly which naturally burned her tongue and when she winced internally at the unpleasant sensation, Olivia and Nick had already struck up a conversation, and then the loud, chatty voices of some approaching students rang out in the otherwise quiet morning, and that was, of course, the cue for the two teachers two shift back into "professional mode", and it was only after Amanda had greeted the students and instructed them on how to safely store away their baggage for the drive, that she found a minute to look around in order to say goodbye to Olivia, but all she spotted of the other woman was her backside, the principal already walking towards the school building at a brisk pace, not looking back although Amanda already yearned for another dimpled smile, another of her expressive glances.
"Everything okay over there, Amanda?", Nick inquired casually and strode up towards her.
Amanda gestured dismissively. "Just tired. Look", she pointed to the street corner, "there are some more of our students coming. Do you have the list with you so I can check off the names of everyone?"