Super Sped Bros.
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the related games.
Chapter Five
Samus' Story
The Prime Suspect
Master Hand - The Metroid is a parasitic alien race that Samus has practically eliminated, but they just keep coming back. Also, I never did the beginning of the Prime games… Oh well… Let's observe…
Samus - Finally. Time for some R and R.
(Samus enters her room and sees that something is missing from her bed.)
Samus - And by R and R, I mean Rage and Really Scary Missile-Looking Things.
(The group is watched TV until Samus punches a hole through it.)
Ness - What was that for?
Samus - Which one of you lowlifes took it?
Fox - Lowlifes?
Samus - Answer me!
Mario - What are you talking about?
(Samus grabs Mario's face and lifts him up.)
Samus - I'll ask the questions! -throws Mario down- Where's the baby Metroid?!
(Silence follows.)
Jigglypuff - Jiggy Jiggypuff? (What's a Metroid?)
(Samus fires a missile at Jigglypuff and she flies behind the couch.)
Samus - What did I say about the questions?
(Jigglypuff hops onto the couch and gets that puffy, pissed-off look.)
Samus - Bring it on, bitch!
(Jigglypuff and Samus begin circling each other until Jigglypuff pulls out a ray gun and shoots Samus. Powerups fall out of her body and fall through holes that suddenly appear in the floor.)
Samus - No! My skills of perception!
Sight - Lost
Hearing - Lost
Smell - Lost
Taste - Lost
Touch - Lost
(Samus slowly gets up and puts her hands in front of her. She wobbles into a wall and falls done.)
A Hope In Hell - Lost
Fox - That's saying a lot.
Ness - So, what do we do?
Master Hand - In space…
Falcon - 'And thou must stabeth this, the golden spork of Antioch, into a heart of thine oldest relative and thou must not be sad, for hopes that this, the oldest of men, will one day be revived as a younger, more mobile human.' At least, that's what I remembered.
Pikachu - Pika pikachu… (Save me, please…)
Master Hand - Back on Earth…
Samus - I can't see, smell, hear, touch, see, or touch.
Fox - What about taste?
Samus - I can taste the sweetness of your blood, which will be spilled as soon as I get my hands on you.
Fox - You can't touch, remember?
Samus - Right. I'll be back.
(Samus barely manages to get into a previously locked room.)
Announcer - Race to the finish! Go!
(Samus does a retarded war cry and begins running down the hall, shooting like crazy. She hits the ledge at the end and flips over it. She gets up and repeats this process for the rest of the floors.)
Announcer - Complete!
(Samus grabs a powerup and throws it into the air.)
Powerup Get!
(Samus walks back into the living room.)
Samus - Hi, everybody!
Fox - Hey! Samus! Where am I?
(Samus aims her buster at him and begins charging, moving her buster with Fox. Finally, she unleashes a super missile, which sends him flying.)
Ness - Point proven.
Samus - Now, which one of you stole the Baby Metroid?
Luigi - We didn't steal anything.
(After a long and pointless battle between Samus and the television, Samus grabs another power up.)
Powerup Get!
Samus - I can hear again!
Ness - How'd you hear Fox?
Samus - Good point. I can see again.
Ness - That was your first powerup.
Samus - Oh yeah. I can touch again!
Ness - You can't really…
Samus - Work with me here.
Luigi - This is so confusing…
Samus - Well, I've got all but my taste back. Which means… It's time for the final boss. The one who stole the Metroid.
(Donkey Kong walks in and flexes his muscles.)
Samus - It's on, donkey!
(After beating DK mercilessly, Samus does a victory dance.)
Powerup Get!
Samus - I can taste again.
Mario - Is this yours, Samus? It was clogging the toilet.
(Mario holds up a turd.)
Samus - No…
Mario - What about this?
(Mario holds up a green turd.)
Samus - Again…
(Mario shrugs.)
Mario - Oh yeah. The baby Metroid rolled off your bed. It's in the dirty clothes pile.
(Samus walks to her room and returns with a tube. A little Metroid is on the inside.)
Samus - Yay!
(Samus takes off helmet, reaches into the tube, and swallows the Metroid.)
Ness - I am very scared right now.
Master Hand - And you should be. In the next chapter, Luigi tries replacing Mario.