Chapter Seventeen

Do not forsake your own friend

Proverbs 27:10

Seraphim made his way over to Sennett's flat once he received the Abbot's letter. He felt ambivalent once more. He knew Silas would be safe in Switzerland which was good but he had doubts about Silas' vocation. His time at Opus Dei had been very unhealthy. It was no true indication of a vocation to have lived an extreme ascetic life in an extreme sector of the Church like Opus Dei. It seemed to the Bishop that it was just Silas' way of escaping from a world that had been very cruel to him into a place that seemed safe, although it hadn't been at all.

He had the feeling that Silas wasn't all that enthusiastic either, although he was trying to take it all seriously and learn as much as he could. There was a restlessness about him that worried Seraphim, like Silas might take it into his head to run away from the Abbey after awhile. If he did, he just hoped that Silas stayed in a country with no extradition like Switzerland.

"Are you looking forward to going to Engelberg?" Sennett asked, the Tuesday night they received the reply from the Abbot.

Seraphim watched Silas carefully as he replied, "Yes, I think so," he said slowly, frowning.

Seraphim wasn't convinced.

"I think I am a little uncertain because I don't know what it will be like and there will be a whole community of men that I don't know," Silas said.

"There are only sixty including the Abbot," Sennett said with a laugh, "It won't take you long to get to know them, living with them every day."

"Sixty is quite large for these days," Seraphim said musingly.

"Have you seen pictures of the Abbey and its church and the little town?" Sennett said, "I want to go and live there too! It's absolutely gorgeous."

"No women allowed," Silas said in his deep, grating voice.

"No kidding! We're not even allowed into the library. Can you believe it's the twenty-first centuary? It's a disgrace. Someone like me with all my degrees can't even get in to look at those fabulous manuscripts," Sennett said with utter disgust.

"I'm sure someone like you could get permission," Seraphim said mildly and truthfully.

"That's not the point," Sennett muttered wrathfully with narrowed eyes.

Silas couldn't understand why Sennett cared so much. After all, there were plenty of convents that didn't allow men in them just as magnificent, if not more so, than Engelberg.

"In that case, you won't be able to accompany Silas there," Seraphim said thoughtfully.

"No, I'd already figured that out. I was going to ask you to go if the Abbot accepted Silas," Sennett said frankly, "I'm going to charter a small plane. I don't think commercial flights would be a good idea for Silas at the moment."

"That makes sense for a short hop like that. It should only take just over an hour in the air," Seraphim estimated.

Silas could feel doubt creeping up on him again. He felt events were out of his control. He could feel himself on a path to Engelberg that he could not escape from should he wish to. He wasn't sure of anything.

Sennett had noticed that Silas was very quiet.

"I hope you understand that you don't have to go to Engelberg if you don't wish to," Sennett said gently, "You're welcome to stay here as long as you need to in order to choose what you want to do next. I am a bit afraid that if you stay in London however, you will eventually be found. I'd hate that to happen."

"You could stay with me too," Seraphim offered cheerfully although his one bedroom flat was considerably more crowded than Sennett's elegant Kensington flat.

Once again, Silas pondered, Sennett had picked up on his thoughts. It could get very creepy, that ability of hers. It made him frightened every time it happened.

"I think," Silas said slowly, "It would be best for me to go to Engelberg, at least for the time being. There will be plenty of time during the Novitiate for me to make up my mind."

The plane was booked for Friday. Diggory was happy with the progress of Silas' healing and would take the stitches out before he left. He had given Silas exercises to keep the healing tissue supple and enough medication to see him through until he was fully healed.

"Did you know Silas has been here nearly a full four weeks?" Sennett said to Seraphim when he came round to meet Silas for the trip. Sennett would be taking them out to the airport in a hire car rather than risking Silas on public transport. They were flying out at night too, to minimize the chances of anyone spotting Silas' unique colouring even under a hood and sunglasses. Silas would get to Engelberg around 10pm that night after the drive from the airport to Engelberg at the other end.

"In some ways it feels longer and in others, hardly any time at all," Seraphim said musingly, as they waited for Silas to finish gathering his belongings into the suitcase Sennett had bought for him.

Unknown to Silas, Sennett has already transferred a large sum to the Abbey. She had made a large donation as well as sending money for Silas' robes. She wanted to make sure that Silas received the best possible welcome, although she had no doubts that the Engelberg Abbey community would do that anyway.

Finally Silas came out of his room with his suitcase, his hood over his head and his sunglasses already on. The sun had just gone down and the hire car was parked in a nearby laneway.

"I guess it's time to go," Sennett said with an odd feeling. It would be strange to come back to the flat knowing Silas would never be in it again.

The drive to the airport was fortunately uneventful. Seraphim and Silas boarded the small plane without incident. Seraphim was to stay in the Abbey for a couple of days on retreat as a special guest of the Abbot. He had been thrilled to hear Seraphim was accompanying his latest Novice as he had sincerely wanted to meet the Orthodox Bishop. It would give Silas an opportunity to settle in with a familiar face around too and also give Seraphim a chance to fill in the Abbot with further details about Silas without breaking the seal of the confessional, of course.

Just before they boarded, Sennett said good-bye to Silas. She couldn't see his eyes because he was still wearing his sunglasses. Without thinking, she stepped forward and hugged him the way she would any good friend she was saying goodbye to. It was a light embrace, their bodies hardly touching but she felt Silas' entire body freeze into immobility. Sennett realized she had made a mistake. Silas wasn't used to being touched at all. He didn't hug her back, didn't even raise his arms to put them around her. Sennett felt something as cold as ice lodge under her ribs. She remembered all too well how it felt to hug someone who didn't hug her back. Her father would do it to her all the time. Intermittently, she'd forget how he reacted and would hug him on a special occasion and every time, he would do the frozen routine. It was such a terrible rejection every time, like being dashed with icy cold water. It was utterly humiliating too and often, he'd do it in front of others. All the memories came back to Sennett in a dreadful, hideous rush. She had actually forgotten it until just that moment. They suddenly overwhelmed her and she had to fight them down.

Hurriedly she stepped away, confused by the rush of memories and the emotions they created. Trying to squash them and appear normal, she turned to Seraphim and gave him a hug as she had many times before. He returned the embrace enthusiastically. Seraphim liked hugs. It made Sennett feel a bit better.

Sennett waited in the hanger and watched the plane taxi away. She waved from the doorway as it disappeared onto the runway, too far away for them to see each other anymore. Before it took off, Sennett got into the car and headed back to Kensington. She didn't know what she felt but there was relief underlying it; perhaps just relief that the goodbye was over. Sennett hated goodbyes. This one had been an almost non-event. She realized that Silas probably had no idea how to say goodbye graciously to a friend, not having had much chance to develop social skills but his almost complete emotional withdrawal at the time was still hurtful. Perhaps the monks at Engelberg would help him learn these things.

Silas sat on the plane feeling very odd. No-one had ever hugged him in his life – not ever. He couldn't compare it to the cold embraces exchanged in the brief sexual encounters in his early life. It was different. Sennett had hugged him like a friend would, with affection and liking. It was stranger and more precious than mere sex. He was so surprised and pleased that he was literally stunned into immobility. When he glimpsed the expression on her averted face as she pulled hastily away from him, he could have kicked himself. He should have hugged her back. He wanted to but had been too astounded to move quickly enough. Then it was too late. He envied the ease with which Seraphim pulled the slight woman into a close, warm embrace.

After that, there was little to do but say goodbye and wave.

For the hour plus flight to Zurich, Silas berated himself for the mistake. He alternated between remembering the pleasure of the hug and feeling stupid. He couldn't forget the look on her face when she had stepped away. He felt ashamed by his own idiocy.

After dropping the hire car back, Sennett walked the couple of well-lit streets back to her flat. If she got mugged, it couldn't possibly make her any more miserable. Then again, no-one got mugged in Kensington. It was too expensive for muggers to hang out in; they'd stick out like sore thumbs.

She pushed open the door of her flat and tiredly closed it behind her. She had been right; the flat did seem very empty now. She hardly wanted to venture into it far enough to make a cup of tea. She forced herself to do it, scolding herself for being melodramatic.

As she sipped her tea, she contemplated that the problem with being unlonely for awhile was that you had to get used to being lonely all over again. You had to start from scratch. Her flat had never seemed empty to her before. It did now. It was as simple as that. She didn't even feel like contacting any of her friends tomorrow to see if anyone was available to do anything. She just wanted to hole up and be miserable.

She didn't even know why she was miserable, apart from the flat being empty. It wasn't as though she and Silas had really been close. Yes, they'd told each other all sorts of secrets that neither of them had probably ever told anyone else (apart from the confessional) but that sort of thing could create a false intimacy. It was like the years when she used to date and men would tell her every gory detail of their life almost on the first date. Not only was it a way of sucking up sympathy (whilst also boring her to death) but it also created a false intimacy that could be mistaken for something more significant than it was.

Silas hadn't expected sympathy, interestingly enough. He had expected condemnation. When it hadn't been forthcoming, he was surprised. She smiled to herself. Silas sure was a funny person.

"I hope you're happy at Engelberg," Sennett whispered to the ghost of Silas in her flat, "and I hope you find everything in life that you need and that you're looking for."

It was like a prayer.

That night when Sennett went to bed, she had a good cry. It was her first in a long, long time.

Silas lay awake on his own cot in his cell at Engelberg. In some ways, it was eerily like Opus Dei but perhaps even more starkly simple.

The Abbey itself was very beautiful and the Church was stunning. He hadn't seen it firsthand himself yet, arriving so late but he had looked at many pictures on the internet.

He didn't care right now. He felt hollow and not much else. He didn't like being in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar place. He wanted to be back in his bed in Sennett's spare room. At least it was familiar and he felt safe there. He trusted Sennett and Seraphim and Diggory. He didn't know who to trust here.

He was still burning over not saying goodbye to Sennett properly. He didn't think he had even said thank you to her which was unforgivable after everything she had given him so freely. It was like he had shut down completely and was unable to say everything he wanted to say. He felt like an ungrateful fool.

But he didn't feel ungrateful. What use was his gratitude if he didn't have the common sense to communicate it? With a feeling of resolution, he determined to email Sennett in the next few days to at least say 'thank you'. He was sure the Abbey had access to the internet.

Slowly, his eyes stinging, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

As it turned out, the Abbey did have internet access and they had permission to use it on a Saturday to communicate with friends and family. They could really have logged on at any time but it would have meant breaking their vows of obedience and none of the men would have dreamt of it.

The day was so strictly timetabled that the only way to use the internet was to give up some sleep during the evening rest period. As such, most of the brothers only used it occasionally which meant Silas didn't have to wait for a turn to use the computers in the magnificent library.

Silas pulled the small notebook Sennett had given him with her contact details, and Seraphim and Diggory's details in case he needed to get in touch. He logged onto yahoo and quickly created an account for himself. Previously if he needed to use email, he had used an address that Opus Dei had created for him but he would never use it again. This time, he used a name that could not be traced back to him.

Sennett,

I just wanted to send you an email to say thank you for everything you did for me during the past month. Not many people would have taken in a stranger and even less would have hidden a fugtive, let alone helped him escape to a safe place.

Silas knew that Police scanned the internet looking for key words. The best way to escape detection was to change one letter. It was a paranoid measure, particularly now in Switzerland but being paranoid had saved his skin many times in the past.

You were a Good Samaritan to me – feeding and clothing and sheltering me, helping me get medical aid, giving me privacy and peace, finding me spiritual solace, even donating blood – what more could any person do for another? For the first time in my life, someone helped me and asked nothing in return – not even the obedience and good works that the Church demands.

I had nothing to offer you, I still don't – but I know you would still keep giving of yourself as long as I needed anything without looking for a return. That makes you a very unusual person, in my experience.

It feels strange to be here still, even after my first full day. It's good to have Seraphim here but the Abbot tends to keep him occupied with Ecumenical talks. The day is fully occupied from 2am to 6 or 7pm at night. As a Novice, I don't have to keep all the Divine Offices but it would be impractical not to fit myself into the routine now. The Abbot is already talking about teaching me animal husbandry so I can work on the Abbey farm. He knows my sensitivity to sunlight but doesn't think it will be a problem as most of the animal tending is done in the sheds and stables. He is also going to let me start my degree in Theology at the start of the next semester by correspondence through Berne University although that is not usual with Novices.

I'm only allowed to use the internet on a Saturday, so I won't be able to write again until next week. As I said, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for everything you've done. Words don't really cover it but all I can do is say, thank you.

Sils.